Moments of Clarity

The Best Valentine's Gift Ever

2012-02-14T10:41:00.000-05:00

I don't really care for Valentine's Day. It's no secret. I think it's an excuse to sell stupid cheap stuffed toys, or chocolate, or over-priced cards and half-dead flowers. It's for the young, the teen-aged and early twenties set. The kids like it because they get to bug their parents to buy more crap and eat crap for really no reason other than Hallmark says it's ok.
I really should one day research the actual meaning and origin of Valentine's Day. I'm curious to know who started it.
I don't hate it. It does provide a much needed break and splash of colour in an otherwise dreary and long winter haul. It also gives me a theme to work crafts around for the kids. The sugar-high part, I could do without.
But as far as my own love life, I don't need Hallmark and mass marketing to tell me I need to tell my DH I love him. I tell him that anyway. And cards have never been much of big thing around here. My DH believes in only funny cards, for any occasion, and has never been one to express any sentiment whatsoever via the written word, unlike my sis's sweet hubby. (Perhaps he should give lessons)
To me, actions speak louder than words, written or spoken. And this morning, my DH gave me a most fabulous gift:
He did the dishes from last night.
Without being asked to, or hinted at.
I told him I loved him, and thank you. And that he really couldn't have given me a better gift.
L objected, saying that he's sure lots of things would have been better. But I don't think so. Flowers are pretty, but a waste of money. Chocolates are yummy but fattening and they generally don't agree with me anyway. Even a maid service would be great, but I would have been annoyed at the money spent to get it.
Nope. Doing the dishes was truly the best Valentine's gift I've ever received.

So Now What?

2012-02-09T21:24:00.001-05:00

On Tuesday, I went in for my laparoscopic surgery to remove my dermoid cyst, look for endometriosis, and tubal ligation. The surgery itself went fine, I guess. I mean, I'm still alive, no lasting damage done.
The day was very long. I had to be at the hospital for 11:00 a.m., which meant no food after midnight, and no liquids after 8:00 a.m. (and only clear ones before that.) it was a long time to wait to be without fluids. That really sucked. I was so thirsty. I have no problem going without food, not that I could have eaten with my nerves anyway, but I hate being unable to drink. My head was pounding by the time surgery came around 2 in the afternoon!
My mom came with me, and I felt bad for her. It was a lot of waiting around for her. At least I was unconscious for part of it.
So this was my first experience with anesthetic and surgery. I was very worried about the coming around part, but it wasn't that bad. They didn't rush me, or tell me to stay awake, so that was good. They did, however shove pills into my mouth when I was half conscious. I thought that was weird. I think I was coming to, and losing consciousness a fair bit, although it didn't see like it at the time. I remember coming to, coughing, and then feeling like I didn't want to open my eyes, so I didn't. In my half-lucid state, I was thinking rather childishly that if I pretended to be asleep, they'd leave me alone. HA HA! The next thing I remember is someone calling my name and shoving a straw between my lips, then telling me to open and shoving pills in my mouth! Lucky for them I take pills easily, unlike some people I know that can't take pills at all.
The next thing I remember is them moving me to the next recovery room. I did manage to look at a clock and was shocked to see it was around four. I was in a fair amount of pain, like really bad cramps. They were asking me how bad the pain was, on a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst pain I ever felt. Well, I've felt some really bad pain in my life. I've had two children without any drugs, so I know pain! But telling them that this pain compared to that was merely a three wasn't going to get me any more pain meds. I'm learning that the hard way. Thankfully they took pity on me when they couldn't take watching me lie there grimacing and writhing anymore. They shot me up with something, and then I was better.
But I was so sleepy. My mom came into the room,we talked for a bit, then I went to sleep on her. So she just played solitaire on my ipad When I woke up, I felt a bit nauseous, so even though the nurse was hoping to get rid of me, she shot me up with gravol, which meant that I had to stay another half hour. I was ok with that. I promptly passed out again.
The next time I woke, I realized the whole place was pretty much vacant. But I still felt sick. Mom helped me dress, then got my drunken self into a wheelchair and wheeled me out. That was the worst ride I've ever had. By the time mom got to the doors, I was opening the barf bag and holding it up to my face. When she went to get the car, I asked her to leave me outside, despite the negative temperatures. Actually, that's the only thing that helped; the cold, cold fresh air.
When I got home, I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I was shocked by how grey I looked. Horrible.
I basically slept on and off since two o'clock that day until seven the next morning. That's a lot of sleep, even if some of it was drug-induced!
Since then, I've been ok. The incisions aren't too sore, it's more the air that's stuck inside of me that's killing me. They pump air into you so they can see what they're doing, but don't remove it. So it's stuck in my abdominal cavity, bubbling around and driving me crazy. It's painful, as gas can be. Only I can't burp or fart it out (forgive the crudeness!), I can just hope for it to somehow dissipate.
The weird part of this experience is that the doc never came to talk to me afterwards. I had to call his office the next day to find out what happened. I also had to make a follow up appt for six weeks away.
So as it turned out, I never actually had a dermoid cyst. What I do have, is stage four endometriosis, which is severe, and a lot of scarring on my uterus and ovary. Apparently, my ovary is stuck to my bowel, so he couldn't remove it without fear of putting a hole in my bowel.
So basically, he said my option is to have a hysterectomy. Which I guess doesn't really make it an option. Unless I choose to not have one, but then what? I'll continue to have these painful episodes. And likely they'll get worse. But even a hysterectomy doesn't guarantee the endometriosis will go away.
So that's my story. I don't know what to do,but I'm guessing the next time the endo flares up, I'll be making a solid vow then to end the pain by any means possible.

So Frustrating

2012-02-03T10:02:00.001-05:00

Not knowing what to do in a situation can be one of the most frustrating things ever. Especially when the situation has happened before, and you did what your instincts told you to do, and everything was ok. But every situation has variables. No two are the same. Especially when it comes to L.
L is eight years old now. Not a teen, not even a pre-teen really. So when he shuts me out, and refuses to talk to me like a teenager might do to their parents, it DRIVES. ME. CRAZY!
I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. I've never faced this problem before. And yeah, it's such a small problem in relation to other problems other kids have, but this is my dilemma, my blog.
Here's an example:
Yesterday, I picked him and other kids up from school. Outside the school there is a small hill, that's covered in ice. Not a safe situation, but a fun one for any kid not concerned with head injuries. The kids were playing on said hill, blowing off after-school steam. Everyone was fine. L was fine. L was happy.
I gave the "one more turn" warning, and after that, turned and left. Like the Pied Piper, children followed me.
As we approached home, I noticed the gloomy look on L's face. "Now, what?" I thought. I asked him what was wrong, and he ignored me. I tried to stop him walking and look in his eyes, but he wouldn't meet my gaze. I asked again, and again, he shrugged me off and pushed past to continue on home.
And again this morning. We were walking to school, everything was hunky-dory. L stopped to slide on some ice against my advice, and the other kids were still continuing on to school, so I did too. We were only next door to the school, and I left him behind. He was not crying, he wasn't shouting, "Wait!". He didn't seem to care. And he's 8, so he can manage to walk that short distance by himself.
When we arrived at the school, he had caught up, but had that disgruntled look on his face again. I asked what was wrong, and he wouldn't answer. Again.
This kind of thing just makes my blood boil. I can't even begin to describe the inner turmoil I feel, how ANGRY and FRUSTRATED it makes me feel! I want to take him, and shake him. I want to force him to tell me what is wrong, why he is behaving like this. I want to threaten him with punishments if he continues like this.
But I don't.
It takes EVERYTHING, every ounce of control I have to walk away and leave it be. Because there isn't anything I can do. It's out of my hands. It's out of my control.
But it's not right. He shouldn't be shutting me out. Not at his age. He is still young, I feel. Logically, your mother should be the one you turn to for comfort at his age. He should be looking to me to make it better. Why is he bottling up these feelings? Is it to punish me? To make me hurt too? Because that's what it feels like.
And the frustrating thing about it is that I can't see what the sudden mood swing is from. What happened between minutes 35 and 36 of that hour? He wasn't hurt, he wasn't shouted at, he wasn't ridiculed or poked fun of. What was it?
It angers me too, because he is ignoring me, and to ignore someone when they ask you a question is just the height of rudeness in my book. And you don't ignore your parents.
So what do I do? Do I continue to question him, to demand an answer because he should not be getting away with this behaviour? Is it just bad behaviour, another form of manipulation?
Or do I leave him alone, respect his wishes? Do I allow him his privacy to brood? Do I recognize that maybe he can't help this behaviour?
But bottling up your emotions isn't healthy, right? Doesn't that lead to more problems? Shouldn't he be forced to explain what he's feeling?
The dark looks directed at me during these times (and those two examples are MERELY the tip of the iceberg!) scream to me that his ire is focused on me. That I've done something wrong, or that he wants me to notice that he's upset at something. But if the goal is to get me to notice something is wrong, then bloody well tell me what it is!!
So if he has a problem, a real issue with feelings and sorting through them, then I need to help him. But I don't know how.
And if it's a behaviour thing, then the answer to me is obvious; I need to ignore the behaviour and show him that if he wants attention, he can get it by cooperating.

Update on L

2012-01-12T11:03:00.001-05:00

So back in November I posted a little about L, and the troubles he was having. Finally, this week, we had a doctor's appointment. I have to say, I felt kind of weird making him go to the doctor when he isn't physically sick, and he was a little confused too. It's not like we ever go there at all really. As you can see, this is how long I had to wait to get him in to even see the doctor. So we don't go there for other stuff, like sore throats, or sore ears, or anything that needs to be looked at within the next day or so. And because the appointments are so difficult to make (between the scarcity of them and mine and DH's schedules), my kids never have check-ups either. I think the last time they had one they were toddlers. Come to think of it, I'm not even sure my Dr.'s office DOES check-ups. There are all kinds of weird restrictions they have, like "only one problem at a time" (SERIOUSLY? What if the two problems are related?) and they don't do vaccinations either. You have to go to the public health office for those. Sigh.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic.
L went with DH, since I had other kids to look after. Plus, I felt like I might turn into Hysterical Sobbing Mother if I had to talk about this out loud to another person, so I felt DH was the better choice here. He's more level-headed than I when it comes to the kids. He's the one that says, "He's fine," when the kids tell me they have a headache, while I'm thinking, "OMG, do we need an MRI?"
I gave him a small list of my biggest concerns, and when DH came home after dropping L off at school for the day, he said the Dr. is referring him to a pediatrician. The good part of this is that he took it all seriously. He didn't blow it off, although a part of me did want him to just say, "You worry too much, he's fine."
Of course the not-so-good part is that he said he may have a form of childhood depression. And also, the fact that now we will have to wait months and months I'm sure for anything else to be done. Getting a pediatrician appt in this town is next to impossible. I'm sure it will be at least July if we're lucky.
He also said it could simply be something is bothering him; something he can't even figure out himself. But of course, he isn't exactly qualified to make any sort of diagnosis. He isn't a specialist, only a family doctor.
And then of course, we will have to wait for the pediatrician to refer us to a further specialist.
So much waiting. And we haven't even begun. I feel badly for the parents who have children with disablilities and are waiting for support services. It must be agonizing.
Right now, I can just thank god that he isn't too bad. He hasn't had a really "down" episode since that one. His need isn't as urgent as others, although that doesn't make it less important. I've been trying to do some reading on childhood depression, but I need to delve deeper. If I could find the time. That kind of reading calls for uninterrupted quiet time, something scarce around here.

The End Of An Era

2012-01-10T10:16:00.001-05:00

Ok, maybe not an era, but it's the end of an age, a term, a life-stage.

Next month I'm getting my tubes tied. And I'm a little sad, but mostly I know this is the right decision. Let's face it, 38 is getting a little old to have a baby. And please don't be offended if you're reading this and you're pregnant and like, forty or something. I'm not judging others, I'm just saying 38 is too old for ME to have another child.

Intentionally.

I'd be freaking out but also happy if I found out I was pregnant right now. It definitely wouldn't be an intentional thing though. I know lots of people get pregnant "accidentally", but how "accidental" is it, really?

"The condom broke" : Really? How rough are you when putting it on? Those things are pretty tough!

"My pill didn't work" : Hm. There are things that can affect the efficiency of the pill, but if you're on a medication, you should educate yourself! Mostly, I think people aren't taking it properly. I've had moments when I worried about being pregnant while on the pill, and it's NEVER happened. Even with me screwing up the day I should have started the next month's pack, or missing a pill in the middle, it still hasn't happened.

"We were using the withdrawal method" : Ok, and you're surprised about being pregnant?

Anyway, we're done. As much as I love my kids, and love babies, I just can't imagine starting all over again. The lack of sleep, being a slave to someone helpless, not owning my own body for years, the sickness and all the other fun pregnancy symptoms, the added stress of someone else to worry about - all things I can live happily without.

So next month when I go in for my cyst removal, I'm also getting my tubes tied. Might as well, since they will already have me there on the table and in that same area.

Mostly I'm sad because the biggest pat of it is that it means I'm getting old. Moving past the child-bearing years is huge to me. Too old to have kids = too old in general.

At least I don't have grey hair yet.

Happy New Year

2011-12-31T21:49:00.000-05:00

Wow, I've really been negligent of my blog haven't I? Sorry about that. I'm having mixed feelings about the whole happy new year business. I'm thinking back on 2011 and trying to decide if you would consider it a good year, or a bad year. Certainly, it wasn't a horrid year. It's been a year in learning a few lessons. Like, appreciating your family while they are here. Taking each day as it comes. Being grateful for each day. Making the most of each day. And, when things seem bad, they can always be worse. To break it down, I'll give you some of the bad, and some of the good:In early spring my niece was diagnosed with inoperable, "incurable" brain cancer, and was given only a year to live. It was heartbreaking, and gut wrenching, and devastating, and any negative word you can think of. So, you might say, it was a bad year. But here's the good; she is still with us, and thanks to homeopathy, getting BETTER! It taught me to hug my children more, to take a deep breath and remember this when they are irritating me, and to love every moment I have with them. And that's definitely a good thing. It's been a rough year financially. That can be looked at as a bad year. I've had less kids in daycare, and unable to get more new babies easily, so making less money. My DH has been in and out of work due to school and other stuff for over three years now. That, plus the financial burden of school is tough. But my DH is also incredibly resourceful at times. He managed to get scholarships, loans, some employment, and even grants, which has all helped. And even though I cry sometimes with worry for our future, the fact is that right now, in the present, everyone is fed, clothed, and well-entertained. And by this time next year, my DH will be a fully-fledged graduate and hopefully employed full time! I'm not ready to let go of 2011 yet. Time sometimes feels like its rushing past me. My boys are growing too fast. I have some things to look forward to in 2012, like the birth of my next niece, and DH being done school. But I have things I'm not, like surgery on my cyst in Feb. Everytime I think of that my stomach turns over. I'm looking forward to being pain-free finally, but I'm TERRIFIED of going under anesthetic. And believe it or not I'm also NOT looking forward to DH finishing school. He enjoys school. He's happiest in school. When he's happy, I'm happier. He's around more too. When he's working, he's gone for almost twelve hours a day. It's nice when he's around for the boys, not just to say hello and goodnight. In 2011 we also travelled to Disney. As much as the old lady annoyed us, we will never forget that vacation and will forever be grateful for that. Those are memories that we will hang onto forever. I started 2011 with a broken wrist. So, not so great there, but it's fine now, so that's good? And I didn't do many dishes for about 8 weeks, which is definitely good. I guess I will just half to say that this year is one of those years that depends on whether you see the glass as half-empty or half-full. And I like to think that most of the time, I try to see the half-full point of view.

Help

2011-11-25T09:59:00.004-05:00

Today I am fighting tears and trying to appear normal to the kids I am looking after. Sometimes not having the ability to take a "mental health day" really sucks bigtime. I sure could use one.

Lately we've been having issues with L. Things that may or may not relate to school, or home, or me, I don't know. All I know is that it's time for us to get some outside help, or at least an outside opinion.

Most of the time, L is fine. But sometimes he has these moments when something will set him off and he'll get really down on himself. Like REALLY down. It could be anything that sets him off, like getting into trouble, or getting hurt, or watching a sad movie, or not getting what he wants. And he starts with the self-criticism.

"I'm so stupid!"

"I'm a loser, a cry-baby, and dumb!"

"I want to hurt myself."

"I want to die."

Yes, those last two are shockers. At first, we thought they were just a cry for attention. Thrown in there for shock value. I still think that, a bit, but I have to be sure. He's said it too many times now.

Sometimes he does hurt himself. Like when he's extremely frustrated or angry, he'll grab his face and scratch his nails down his cheeks. Or bang his head on the table or hit it with his fists (his head, not the table, I'd rather he hit the table...)

God, I'm a sobbing mess now. This is really hard for me to write. It was hard to pick up the phone this morning and make that phone call to make a drs appt. At this point, I don't know what else to do. I'm hoping that if he needs therapy, that going through the dr will maybe get some of the cost lowered and deemed "medically necessary".

It was hard because it means admitting I don't know what to do. It's a selfish POV really. But I guess I'm vain that way. I've always liked to think I knew how to handle any situation my children throw at me.

But this -

I just don't know. I really don't know what to do, what to say, how to make it better.

And that's so scary.

I feel like a failure of a mother. Is it my fault he has these feelings?

Probably.

I didn't give him enough attention. Enough compassion. I made him share me with many other kids that weren't even related to him. I did things wrong when he was a baby, or when he was in the womb. I remember being really depressed at times when I was pregnant with him. Maybe those emotions imprinted on him as he was developing.

Who knows?

I'm too hard on him when i need to be softer, and I'm too soft when I need to give more tough love.

Maybe.

Our personalities clas terribly, and many times when he's in one of these "moods" I end up saying all the wrong things, becoming really frustrated and end up yelling at him! I'm a horrible person for doing that. My temper gets the better of me and I lash out. Most of the time, what he's saying to me doesn't make sense, and he's so stubborn. No matter how many times I try to explain that he's not dumb, or a loser, or whatever, he still insists. I can't snap him out of it, I get frustrated, and I give up. That's what makes me feel terrible. That I don't try HARDER.

And if I'm failing at this, taking care of my own child's well-being and happiness, perhaps it's a HUGE mistake for parents to be leaving their sweet babies in my care. I don't want to ruin them too.

So I am taking a step towards letting someone else give me their opinion. The thing is, is that I don't have a lot of confidence in our dr. But we'll see.

I'm awfully scared. I'm worried that he's on a path to a lifelong battle with depression or mental illness. And there are so many stories these days of professionals who are supposed to be helping struggling children who aren't, and these people/places are actually harming them more. How am I to know what is helping and what isn't? What of it's one of those things like, you have to get worse before you get better? Or it's not, and I think it is, and all the while things are getting worse while I think that's supposed to happen?

God.

But I must do something. I can't sit by and hope it'll get better on its own.

The Age Old Problem

2011-11-15T10:43:00.003-05:00

Here we are in mid-November already! I can hardly believe it, time flies fast. Of course, Christmas mania has begun already, and as the hype escalates, so does my stress level. It seems like every year I say we have no money, we need to be careful (frugal), we've got to cut back, and I worry and worry about how we will manage. And every year, I look back at the last year and think "Boy, I thought we had no money then! Now we really don't!"
Of course this year is no different. And I feel it's worse than ever, because my daycare numbers have dropped, and the cost of living is getting higher, and my DH is going back to school full time in January, which means no more income coming from him. On top of that, my only full time charge, Kadybug, is going to be going part time in February due to mom having another kid. Good news for when mom goes back to work, but not so great for the interim. To say I'm stressed is an understatement. I think it's part of why I am not sleeping well, and can't get over this damn cold as easily as I usually do. My every thought right now goes to saving money.
"Turn off the lights!"
"Hurry up and close the door, you're letting the heat out!"
"Turn off that water!"
I can't do laundry now, it's "high time".
I've even considered asking all the kids to stop flushing the toilet if it's just a pee, just to save on the water bill. And of course I've vaguely considered getting another job. I just wish there was something I could do from home, on the computer for a couple of hours or three each day. I think I'd be exhausted if I had to go out every evening after working from 7 till 5 at home. Nevermind that I would have to wait until DH got home, so I really couldn't start any kind of shift until 6:30 at the earliest. And I REALLY don't want to work weekends, which is part and parcel of working part time.
So the thing about Christmas, is that I set myself up for a hard act to follow years ago, when R was little, but old enough to understand the whole Santa act. I grew up with having most of my gifts from Santa, and wanted to continue that tradition here. But it's backfiring. What I should have done was to have Santa bring one main toy, the stocking, and that's it. That way, if we are having a lean year (when are we not?), it would be easier to say to the kids that they won't be getting much this year. Now if I were to say it, the answer is, "Why not? I thought Santa brought all the toys anyway?" It also makes it really hard to explain why other kids get less than they do, if they are really underprivileged.
Now R, who is 10, has said to me, "I don't know if I believe in Santa anymore, I can see a lot of things that don't make sense." A part of me died a little when he said that, but you know what? A larger part of me said, "FINALLY!!" He is a smart kid, so I was beginning to wonder when he would put the pieces together. I also don't want him to be the only kid in fifth grade who still believes in Santa Claus (I'm sure he's not, but he is probably in the minority.) So I'm not sure if he's going to ask me for the truth before Christmas, or if he's going to have one last year of childish innocence. I don't want him to grow up too fast, of course not, but it's like I have this secret I can hardly contain. And having them know the truth will make it much easier on me, and I can say, "This year, Mommy and Daddy don't have ~~any money for the bills let alone gifts!~~ much money to spare, so for Christmas you'll just be getting a few small things." As heartbreaking as that sounds, at least it doesn't set them up for disappointment Christmas morning.
Of course, L has started in with the skepticism as well. Although I think that he wants to believe, as much as his devilish little self would love to catch the adults in the act. I want to tell R to shut up when he starts spouting off his statements about the holes in the Santa story, but I also don't want to draw attention to it. If I were to tell him to stop, pull him aside and explain why he needs to keep the faith for his brother, that just makes it all the more obvious to L that something is fishy.
But having them know the truth means that I can watch so many more great Christmas movies with them. They have never seen The Santa Clause, with Tim Allen, because how many times in that movie do the adults tell the poor five-year-old that there is no Santa?? I didn't want them watching that, even though I do like the movie. And I've never shown them the beginning sequence of the Polar Express, when the kid spouts off about how he doesn't believe. And there's Miracle on 34th St., which is another set of adults telling a kid Santa isn't real.
I'm not ready to give up the magic that Santa brings to Christmas. Having that role to play brought me a lot of joy. I really didn't like Christmas very much as a young adult, until the boys were old enough to "get it". I'm scared that I'll just see Christmas as another bother again if there's no magic and wonder anymore. Even now, half the time I wish we just celebrated every other year.

What . The . F ?

2011-10-20T09:30:00.005-04:00

I dream a lot. I'm one of those people that often remembers her dreams, unlike my DH, who rarely remembers what he dreams about. He says he doesn't have dreams, but I've told him that everyone dreams, it's just a matter of whether you remember them or not.

I also often have rather strange dreams. Usually I can decipher them. I can see how I dreamt about X because I was thinking about it or discussing it during the day. Or I have a dream about Y because I am fearful of it. My brain takes bits and pieces of events or things I come across during the day or week, and meshes them all together. They don't make any sense when you wake up and try to tell someone about them, but in a way, they make sense to me, or I can see what prompted the dream.

But every once in a while I have a dream that just makes me sit up and say, "What the HELL was that all about?"

Last night was such a night.

I dreamt I had driven the boys to the nearby city where DH works. It wasn't a planned trip, but somehow we just ended up there. Once we arrived, we spied DH sitting on the front steps of a building, somewhat looking like a town hall. He was speaking to a group of surrounding men. We waved, and decided to wait until he was finished to go and say hi.

At that point, I spotted a Canadian celebrity, Chef Michael Smith. I really like this guy in real life; I've always enjoyed his cooking shows, especially Chef At Home. I'm also extremely envious of his large, well-stocked, beautiful kitchen. However, it's been a very long time since I've watched his show, and I really haven't thought of the show or him at all lately, nor have I heard it mentioned.

As I approached dream Michael Smith to speak to him, I noticed that his face was disfigured. He appeared to have two extremely large tumors protruding off his cheek and forehead. They had to be at least 3 or 4 inches long, and in the shape of a termite mound, or skinny volcano. They were very red and sore-looking, with blood and pus at the tops.

Now comes the weird part. (That's not the weird part, you say?)

Attached to the two tumors were a couple of big black birds, like crows, and they were pecking at the tumors.

What The Hell??

Where does my brain come up with this stuff???

As I chatted with the chef, I ignored the huge disfigurement as if it were an unfortunate but somewhat normal problem. Then the next part I could remember was me asking him why he was here, when he normally lives in P.E.I. I then realized that his face was smooth and normal, and asked him what happened. Apparently some unknown time had passed as he replied that he had just been to the doctor for his treatment and she had lasered them, but that they would come back eventually. According to dream chef, he had a rare form of cancer and it attracts black birds!!

My mind is so messed up!!

As a side note, as I was googling the chef to come up with a link, I got to perusing his website and found a bread recipe I really want to try. Perhaps this weekend... It's a no-knead bread! I'm so intrigued...

Make this recipe your own with a blend of your favourite grains. Makes: 1 loaf of bread per recipe.

Preparation time:
Cooking time:
Yield: 0

Ingredients

For 1 normal loaf of Country Bread

2 cups all-purpose or bread flour
1 cup whole-wheat flour
1/2 cup any multi-grain mix
1/4 teaspoon of active dry yeast
1 1/4 teaspoons salt
1 5/8 cups of warm water

For 1 normal loaf of City Bread

3 cups all-purpose or bread flour
1/4 teaspoon of active dry yeast
1 1/4 teaspoons salt
1 5/8 cups of warm water

For 1 larger loaf of Country Bread

3 cups all-purpose or bread flour
1 cup whole-wheat flour
1/2 cup any multi-grain mix
1/2 teaspoon of active dry yeast
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
2 1/4 cups warm water

For 1 larger loaf of City Bread

4 cups all-purpose or bread flour
1/2 teaspoon of active dry yeast
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
2 1/4 cups warm water

Brown Butter

4 sticks of room temperature butter (sixteen ounces)

Directions

For traditional baking

Whisk the dry ingredients together thoroughly. Add the water and stir until a wet dough forms. Continue stirring until the dough incorporates all the loose flour in the bowl, about 60 seconds in total.
Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and rest in a warm place for 18 hours. It will double in size, bubble and long gluten strands will form.
Knock the dough down and form it into a baking pan. Rest the dough a second time. In 2 to 3 hours it will rise again and double in size once more. Bake 45 minutes in an oven preheated to 425 degrees F.

For baking in a covered pot

Whisk the dry ingredients together thoroughly. Add the water and stir until a wet dough forms. Continue stirring until the dough incorporates all the loose flour in the bowl, about 60 seconds in total.
Cover the bowl with a towel and rest in a warm place for 12 to 18 hours. It will double in size, bubble and long gluten strands will form. Lightly flour your hands and the work surface then remove the dough from the bowl. Quickly form it into a ball. Thoroughly flour a cotton towel and rest the dough on it. Cover it with another floured cotton towel.
You may also rest the dough on a non-stick ‘Silpat’ mat and cover it with just one towel. Rest the dough a second time. In 2 to 3 hours it will rise again and double in size once more. A half an hour or so before the dough is ready preheat your oven to 450 degrees. You may use cast-iron, steel, enamel or ceramic.
When the dough has fully risen slide your hand under the towel and quickly invert the delicate dough into the hot pot. Shake the pot a bit to settle it then place the lid on the pot and start baking.
Bake for 30 minutes with the lid then remove it and bake for 15 minutes more.

Thanksgiving Weekend

2011-10-11T13:14:00.012-04:00

Thanksgiving.....

A time for...

Leisurely walks with your cousins...

One last dig in the sand...

Or swim... (if you're brave enough!)

The sights and sounds of busy chipmunks...

Playing in the warm sun with cousins...

Having a snooze wherever you happen to lie down...

And a very long trip home!

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving weekend!!

Yet Another Quandry

2011-09-20T12:42:00.002-04:00

Here I am, once again faced with another decision regarding L's education. As I mentioned in this post, L has two different teachers this year. I didn't update you on this, but I did in fact, talk to the principal. I didn't go in with a complaining-fix-this-now attitude, but I did go in and speak with him as a concerned parent left out of the loop.
The principal at our school really should have been a politician. Really. He always has a smile on his face, and he works very hard I think at making it seem genuine. No one can be that happy all the time to be talking to disgruntled parents and dealing with children that are causing problems or having issues. He likes to placate the parents, tell them what he thinks they want to hear without out-right lying. He paints a glorious rainbow over the situation every time.
I guess I shouldn't complain. At least he's approachable. I just wish sometimes he'd be a little more honest and less, I don't know, "everything is perfect at my school". He does know my face now though. Not sure if that's a good thing or not, LOL!
Anyhow, he once again, painted his pretty picture with words and gushed over how good these two teachers are. He explained (and not very well), that L's class was not so very different than the other grade three classes, because the other classes' teachers leave the classroom for planning time for a grand total of six hours per week. In his mind, every class has another teacher for basically what adds up to a full day over the course of the week. L's class just happens to have another teacher for two days a week.
But that's not exactly true. You see, all the classes have gym with another teacher, and library, and computers, and whatever else (like media literacy). So the teacher can use those times for their planning time. So it really doesn't add up, if you see what I'm getting at.
But back to the issue at hand. The principal also said that he purposely placed L in that classroom because of his reading and writing issues, as he feels that those two teachers would be the best ones for him. He made a point to say the issues that my husband and I spoke to him about and were concerned about last year were what prompted him.
Hm.
Basically, in his very political way and without so many words he was telling me don't I dare complain because it is for L's sake he is in that class almost at DH's and my request. In a manner of speaking.
So I decided to leave him be, and see how it pans out. He was settling into the class now and he did seem to like his teacher. He brought home this ginormous project to do over the course of two weeks that was basically a front page of a newspaper with all these sections to fill out about himself. That was like torture to L, all that writing. Long story short, there were many tears, many hours put into this and in the end, my wonderful sister N skyped with us and helped L to complete the project in no time at all. I love her!!
After that ordeal, I decided to write the teacher a note and have a meeting with her. I needed to know if this was going to be a common occurrence; what were the expectations of a grade three student and how much was I supposed to be helping? What was the amount of homework she would be sending home? I needed to make it clear to her that this was very stressful on our family, and that L just isn't ready for that level of work.
So this morning I trudged into the school at a rather early hour. The only kids at the school yet were the ones training for cross-country running. The principal met me at the front door and asked me if I was going in to see Mrs. G. I said yes, and then he said he'd walk with me. I guess my face belied terror because he laughed and said not to worry, no one's in trouble! Ha ha. I don't know why I reacted like that but I guess I just immediately think the worst when the boss or the principal wants to talk to you. Gut reaction I suppose. I always have a hard time hiding anything on my face. You can read me like a book.
He said that they were going to be moving a few students out of the class and into another classroom. He asked me if I would be ok with L being one of them. Now I'm confused. Didn't he just tell me last week that he placed L in that class for his own good? That his words, specifically, were, "Honestly, if my son were in this school I would definitely want him in this classroom." So why now is he giving me the option of moving him out? Did he think I was complaining? Did he think I was hoping for a transfer? In all honesty I kind of was, but only to another certain teacher's room, the teacher R had for grade three. Not to this other teacher's room, Mrs. V. I don't know her any better than I know L's teacher, plus she is pregnant. Which means she'll be leaving soon and he'll have yet again ANOTHER teacher! What if she's terrible? But maybe it would be better to have just one teacher for consistency's sake. What if the teacher turns out to be Mrs. B, who R had for kindergarten and is a long term supply teacher? She was amazing. Then I would be kicking myself. That's a stretch though, a big what if.
I did go in and speak with his possibly temporary teacher. She seemed nice. She definitely appeared to be on the ball. She was easy to talk to, not patronizing in any way (like L's last teacher was) and not fake. She seemed like she could be a real hard-ass if need be, but I didn't get the impression that she was overtly mean.
I just don't know what to do. I'm so confused. I did call another mom, whose child is L's only friend in the class. I gave her the head's up about what was happening, and told her that I was up in the air about it. I also think that the two of them should stay together, because I would feel bad for L's friend if we left him behind, and even worse for L if the friend got moved and he didn't. Then he'd really have no friends in that class.
Which brings me to another issue. L has been upset that he has "no friends" as he puts it. No one to play with at recess except his buddy J (who's in another class). Perhaps moving to that other classroom would rekindle some friendships once again. When I say his only friend in the class, I really mean that. For some strange reason, none of the other boys except for the one have ever been in L's class before. Not even kindergarten. So it's almost like starting from scratch for him.
What to do, what to do. DH will be no help. He'll likely tell me to do whatever I think best, since he has even less insight than I do into what the teachers are like. I'm thinking I'll ask L what he thinks. Maybe he can't stand the teacher, Mrs. V. I need to talk to the other mom again, see if she has any more thoughts. And lastly, I need to speak with the principal again, tell him how confused he's made me and ask him why he would even give us this choice.
GAH!!!
I'll keep you posted...

More School Aggravation

2011-09-15T10:14:00.002-04:00

It never fails to amaze me at how worked up I get around this time of year, every year. I've always had a hard time accepting the control that school brings into our lives. My loss of control, namely.
When your child is a baby, and little, you have so much control over their lives. What they eat, where they play, what they play with, who they play with, when they sleep, and more importantly, by whom they are cared for. I was, and still am, a SAHM. A working one at that. I never had to put my children into daycare thankfully. I wanted it that way. I wanted to be the one to raise them, to experience all the firsts with them, to spend all the wonderful (and miserable) moments with them. Other parents are not so lucky. They have to go out into the working world. Some do it for money, some do it because they love their job. Some are not bothered that they can't spend all that time with their child. But most do spend a lot of time searching for the right provider. They want to make sure their child will be safe, will be loved, will be amused, or entertained, or stimulated or taught, the RIGHT way. The way that agrees with their own parenting philosophy.
So when my son R started JK, it was a huge shock to my system. What do you mean I don't get to choose the teacher? What do you mean I have no choice about what days he goes to school, or how he is disciplined/reprimanded (not that he needed it) or when he eats and plays? It was hard for me to accept that that piece of control I had over his life was gone. I had to let go.
Most people who know me well, know that I do not like being told how to raise my child! After all, I MADE them! I carried them, I sacrificed caffeine and alcohol for them, (and chocolate when they were nursing), I sacrificed my much-nicer-body for them, and I gave birth to them. I don't even like my husband telling me what to do, or how to handle them. I love them more than anything in this world, so I should be the one to decide what to do in relation to my kids.
I have learned to let go more (I think.) It might have more to do with the fact that they are so much older now and more self -sufficient. I do realize that if I try to control them too much that they will resist and rebel more.
All this is leading up to the one thing that pissed me off this morning. Every year there is something for me to hate about school, some little thing that I resent. Another small piece of my control lost. But this morning I was angry. I still am, really, and I'm hoping that my DH will pick up the slack here and become just as outraged as I am. I doubt it though.
So here's the thing:
Every year the kids bring home tons of paperwork at the beginning of the year for us to sign. I deal with it all, since the forms don't require two parental signatures. And every year a form comes home about student accident insurance. I always decline. What's the point right now? My boys are not very athletic or adventurous. R usually joins the chess club most years, but he's not on any teams. L is not a team player, so it would shock the hell out of me if he told me he had joined a team. He did give choir a little go last year, but that's only because they were told there would be a pizza party at some point, LOL! He didn't last long with that, and he just likes to do his own thing. I'm ok with that, because they both have extra-curricular activities outside of school.
This year, I received two forms about insurance again. Only this time, the two boys' forms were different. R's had three options: 1)Yes, we have purchased the Student Accident Insurance, 2)We have our own Extended Health/Dental coverage, and 3) We decline. L's form did not have the third option.
What? I was confused. How am I supposed to sign this form saying I have insurance, when I don't. I'm not purchasing the money-grab insurance the school promotes. What for?
*And in case you are American and you don't already know this, we Canadians have "free" health coverage. (I put free in quotes, because, well, we do pay for it with our high taxes!). It doesn't include dental, but if we have an accident, I can take my kid to the hospital and I don't have to pay a dime (well, for parking I do, but you know...)*
We don't have extended health coverage for dental and whatnot. I work for myself, and my DH has been in and out of work for years, and is now in school. Health coverage through your work only comes when you are a fulltime employee that's been there for a while. We just take our chances mostly that we aren't going to need that kind of insurance, and if we did come across that situation, we'd find a way to deal with it. I guess DH's nan is kind of like our insurance, because she has PILES of money, and we know that despite her stubborness, she'd never let her grandchildren or great-grandchildren suffer with no teeth, or no wheelchair (god forbid!) or whatever OHIP doesn't cover.
So, back to the forms (are you still there?). Long story short (too late) I was told when I phoned the school this morning, that the form with three options was the wrong one and was sent out in error, and the form with only two options was the right one. And basically, it was the school board's decision (not the school secretary's, so I wasn't going to yell at the poor lady) that any child wanting to participate in ANY extra-curricular activity, INCLUDING chess club, had to have insurance. So basically, no insurance, no fun.
I really resent this! How dare they tell me I have to have some type of insurance in order for my boys to join a team or club? Are they really going to go and tell them when they show up for the club, "I'm sorry, but you can't be here, because you don't have insurance." I can't even imagine the look on their faces. R would be pure red with embarrassment (an inherited trait from me, unfortunately), and tears would be threatening. How would this affect their social life? I want them to feel free to join any team or club they want. I really don't want them to be like me, socially awkward and so not the joiner in school.
But in order to do that, I'm being told to purchase insurance. And I don't care how much it is, it's just the principle of the matter! It doesn't seem right. Even if it is only $20/year. So in essence, I'm losing more control, and this time it's over my money! Using my children's happiness and enjoyment is like blackmail!

Conflicted

2011-09-12T11:03:00.004-04:00

I'm not sure if I mentioned this in a previous post, but this year L has two different teachers at school. He is in grade three, and it's kind of an important year, so I'm not quite sure how to take this news. Not that we've had any actual "official news" about it. Only what he and the other boy in his class have mentioned.
I am frustrated. It seems that every year I am fighting with the school about something to do with L's class placement. Or I'm upset but silent about it.
In JK, L had the most amazing teacher. She made all the difference in my choice to leave L in school. He was so young when he started, just 3.5 really, as his birthday is late December. He was just a baby, to me, and never been away from me. He really struggled with being away from me. And having school every other day for a full day each time was hard on him. He was still napping at the time too! If it hadn't been for his wonderful, caring teacher, plus the EA in the room (she was amazing too and helped all the children, not just the one or two she was assigned to), I am sure I would have pulled him out and left it for the year.
So the next year, we happily started SK and got to know his new teacher. She was young. She obviously didn't have children herself and had limited experience (from what I could tell) with children that young. She was coming from teaching grade four, apparently. Let's just say, I didn't agree with her philosophies and how she approached the children. She wasn't mean...just....not motherly AT ALL. And I'm sorry, but a kindergarten teacher needs to be motherly.
As the end of SK approached, I expressed my desire to her that L not be placed in a certain grade one classroom. Any other teacher was fine. Of course, he was placed in the one teacher's classroom I didn't want. And his best friend from kindergarten wasn't in his class either, because the teacher felt it would be beneficial to split them up.
Beneficial to who?? They weren't trouble-makers. They weren't co-dependent on each other. They just needed some comfort of a familiar face, each other. They were two little boys with similar personalities and similar birthdates that got along really well with each other.
So we struggled through grade one with the teacher that, when you mentioned you had her to other parents they gave you the sympathetic look like your pet just died. She wasn't mean, but not a strong teacher at all. She was flakey and phoney and when you spoke to her you felt like she was being very condescending and that she was wanting to be anywhere but in your presence. Again, another single woman with no children of her own, although she would have been much more suited to kindergarten. On top of all that, his classroom was a split class, a strange gr.1/SK split. My L is very distractable. He can be distracted from a task by the wind. Imagine trying to make a gr.1 child work and focus, while kindergarten children are playing around him.
He came out of grade one with the teacher telling me that he wasn't where he should be in his reading and writing. Well, go figure.
The morning gr.2 started I was hopeful, optimistic and rejoiced that we would get a fresh start. However, I quickly learned that he had been placed in her classroom, yet AGAIN!!
DH and I couldn't believe it. How could this be happening? We went straight to the principal and complained.
I was distraught. I had even written a very nice and hopeful letter to the principal the previous spring asking very nicely if L could be placed in a certain teacher's classroom, one his brother was in before, and the teacher I knew to be fantastic and amazing and that would get him up to where he needed to be.
I don't think he even read that letter. In a very patronizing tone, the principal told us that that classroom was full, save one spot, and that that spot would only be given to a girl. RRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!! He could take L out of the classroom and put him in one of the other classrooms, both strong teachers I knew well, but both teaching splits. So we had to weigh the options. What would be better, have him in the weak teacher's class, or have him in a split? (Again, very distracting for him). Since his best buddy was in his class this year, we decided to stay where we were. I'm still not sure that was a good decision....
This year, again, I was hopeful. Positive that things could only be good. We had had three shoddy years. Our luck had to change.
The first day of school dawned, and in the line-up to go in, we learned his teacher was not going to be one of the other three that I knew of, but a different one. Ok, that's fine, I thought, I don't know any of R's teachers either with him being the oldest and being the "guinea pig". I have no expectations this way. L was dismayed to learn who she was, as he knew her from in the school. Apparently, she normally teaches all the students something called Media Literacy. I'm not really sure what that is, or why we need it, but whatever.
As the afternoon came to a close that first day, I learned more disheartening news. L was to have not just this M.L. teacher, but another as well, because she still has to teach M.L. two days a week.
I'm not really sure that having two different teachers is the best thing for L to have. He needs consistency. I'm sure that these two teachers are fully qualified and all, but they are two different people, with two different teaching styles, two different personalities, and two different philosophies. Who will teach what? Will they both teach a little of everything, or will they split up the subjects? (Which would be best, I think). If L only likes one of them, will he be miserable a few days a week and happy the other? It's only inevitable that he will have a preference for one over the other.
The thing that I'm most perturbed about, is that the school itself hasn't even bothered to send out an official notice of this. Were they not going to tell us this information? Did they not think it important enough to have the courtesy of letting the parents know?
I am frustrated, as I said. And weary. I know if I go in and complain and question, I'm going to get the same old patronizing speech as usual. Last year, about two thirds of the way through the year, we sat down with the good ol' principal and his sidekick VP and had a chat about some issues occurring with last year's teacher. After venting our frustrations and again reiterating our dismay at having the same teacher two years in a row, the principal assured us that next year he'd make sure L had a good teacher, and was in a good situation.
Yeah, thanks so much buddy.
I wish I had recorded that conversation so I could play it back to him.

Star Wars, Re-re-re-re-released.

2011-09-09T21:17:00.005-04:00

You've got to be kidding me. Again? How much money has this franchise made off of suckers that buy these movies over and over again?
Nevermind, don't answer that.
Because we are one of those suckers.
I just found out today that Star Wars: The Complete Saga is being re-released on Blu-ray on Sept. 16. You can get it for the one really low price of $79.99.
I really don't think we'll be rushing right out to buy it, even though DH has always been a huge Star Wars fan, and even though both my boys are also Star Wars fans. Maybe if we were still young and childless and had extra money lying around we would, but now we're smarter than that.
I hope.
So let's see...we've now owned four different copies of the Star Wars franchise. If we got this one, it would be the fifth. We have the three original movies in their original wrapping on VHS, the way they were made the FIRST time, without all the CG stuff added in later. Stuff the purists would like.
Then we owned the series when they came out with the digitally re-mastered version of the original three, but without all the CG stuff as well.
After that, we owned the next VHS release with all the CG stuff added in plus the next (or actually previous) three movies in the boxed set.
And finally, we got the DVD boxed set, complete with extras and a whole additional DVD on the making of, etc.
Well, maybe it will make a good Xmas gift.

Internet Safety

2011-09-08T13:35:00.000-04:00

Don't you think it's cool how you can go onto your blogger interface and see how people reach your blog? I just discovered this today, and saw that my post, Megamind Review was my most popular one! I can see that someone reached it by googling : Megamind Easter Bunny Queen of England. It's all very interesting how the internet works, and how one person can reach billions in the blink of an eye, and how nothing is private anymore either. One day, I'm sure, we'll be able to tell exactly who that person was that googled: Megamind Easter Bunny Queen of England, where they live, and what they look like, without having to be a hacker even! (Ummm, not that I would want to!)
As my boys are getting older, I find I'm having to delve into the whole world of internet privacy. I'm so glad that they reinforce it at school. This is an issue we were never faced with as children, and our parents didn't have to deal with. I'm still learning about it.
Recently, both my two got email accounts. L doesn't really care about it, because he loathes reading and especially writing, but I got it because they both wanted Moshi Monster accounts and I didn't want to give them my email addresses to use, and they both needed two separate emails. R is on the fence about it. I got his set up because a friend of ours (whose daughters used to come to my daycare before they moved) set her daughter up on Facebook. Being a 10 year old girl and much more social than my two boys, she was very excited about it. She and R have been friends since they were toddling naked around my kitchen (that's a story best saved for their wedding~hey! I have my dreams too!) and I figured that despite the over-an-hour driving distance between us now, they could find a way to stay in touch through email.
Of course, me being the internet addict and social networking freak of the family, I was at him to check his emails wanting to know if she had written back or not. After a while, he got tired of it. He was nowhere nearly as enthusiastic as I had expected or hoped he would be. I just don't understand it. Isn't it exciting to discover a new email in your inbox? Isn't the anticipation of a written message delightful? As a kid, I used to write letters to my grandparents. Getting that letter back in the mail was the best thing ever! Email is so much better! No two-week-long waits in between letters.
Ah, well. I guess it's a female thing.
But back to the internet privacy.
I had to warn them of course to not open spam, to not reply to people they don't know, or addresses they are unsure about. It was kind of an eye-opener. It showed me how much more they have to learn about it all, and made me realize how I need to maybe rethink my own internet safety. You know that I don't put their full names here. I try to keep them somewhat anonymous that way. I try to limit details about where exactly we live, and to not have too many pictures (if any) with their faces. I'm not exactly sure if that is effective at all with protecting them, and I'm not even sure what I might be protecting them from. I'm naive about this stuff but just following the lead of some other friends who also blog.
So all this made me pause to think the other day, when I sat down to sign all the millions of forms that came home from school. One of them was a consent to allow their pictures to be taken and names to be published. It had a long list of checkboxes, including one for if the media came to the school would we allow our children to be filmed or photographed? There was also one asking for permission to print their names and achievements in the school newsletter and on the school website.
That's where I stopped checking yes. If I don't want to print their full names here, where no one knows where we live (except my near and dearest readers), then would I or should I allow their names and pictures to be displayed for anyone to see where they can also see where they attend school? After thinking about it, I checked no. I'm far too much of a worry-wart, I know. But there are weirdos out there....
I'm sure I'm just being paranoid. I'm wondering what other blogging moms checked, or will check when that day comes?

Camping Trip

2011-08-30T08:56:00.007-04:00

In the past few days, I've been perusing my favourite internet shopping sites and looking to see if they have started selling winter and skiing gear. **ducks head**
I know, I know, you are screaming at me that I'm crazy.
It's not that I can't wait for winter, because I can, it's just that I do love window shopping online, and as I've said before, my secret obsession is buying outerwear.
Yes, I'm weird.
The number of times I actually purchase anything is really minimal, but I can still dream, right?
Anyhow, back to summer.
We have only one week left until school begins, and I'm still unsure as to whether I'm happy or sad about that. More sad, I think.
In an effort to take advantage of the good weather while it's still here, we decided to go camping last weekend in Arrowhead Provincial Park that is in Huntsville.
We had a pretty good time, even though my DH really doesn't like car camping. He says it's not "real" camping, but sleeping in a tent practically on the ground, having to hike to the bathroom and cooking outdoors is real enough for me.
When I was a kid, my dad used to take my sister N and I camping quite a bit. I don't really remember many camping trips involving my younger siblings (S and A), nor my mother, so I'm guessing she declined a lot in favour of staying behind with the littler ones and a comfortable bed and private washroom. We used to take hikes through the woods, and my dad would point out all the flora and fauna and fungi that he could identify, and the ones he couldn't as well. Any love of nature I have is due to him. I think if he had never done this, exposed us to camping and nature, I really wouldn't be very outdoorsy at all. And I'm pretty lacking in that area as it is. So, thank you Dad.
The coolest part of our nature hikes were looking at all the fungi and mushrooms. We really don't know any names of any of them, but always found them fun to look at and poke. Here are some pictures of our trip and wildlife. Sorry they are all out of order and mixed up. I still can't figure out how to get them the way I want...Hope you like 'em!

At the falls in the park. The sign says "no swimming" but everyone does anyway. Who can resist a natural jacuzzi?

Some awesome fungi. I really like the one above, it looks like lacy coral to me.

Above, the boys climbing the falls (probably not the best idea), and below, L holding a salamander found in a rotting log.

Below, a shot from our canoe ride.

The falls again.

R taking a turn to paddle the canoe. He did really well!

This guy (a great blue heron) was hanging out at the bottom of the falls watching everyone watching him.

Summer's End

2011-08-21T17:06:00.003-04:00

Summer feels like it has gone both quickly, and slowly. Weird, I know. On one hand, I can scarcely believe that we have only two weeks + a day left until the first day of school, but on the other, it feels like my kids have been home for ages. Again, I am feeling bad sometimes because we really haven't done much with our summer. We've been to the local beaches several times, and of course to the parks a lot and the splash pad twice, but I feel somehow that we really haven't got much out of our summer. We haven't been camping, we haven't gone on enough bike rides or walks, we've done nearly no summer attractions, such as Wonderland, Ontario Place, etc...
I can't help but feel badly about that, but it's just not in our budget. We did go to a small local zoo last week with Kady-bug, as she was the only daycare kid I had for the day. That was fun, but still cost me a pretty penny, even with the toddler being free. I just don't want my kids to grow up and think back on their summer vacations and realize how boring they really were. I'm lucky that my kids are home-bodies like me. They really just like being home and hanging out with their Lego and toys. I guess I shouldn't complain if they aren't complaining. Really I think it's just me. I'm so bored lately. So bored with my life. I am missing the routine of school (I just don't miss the lunch-making), I am missing the after-school sports/activities. I am tired of the same walls, the same tv programming, the same internet pages, the same view outside my window and in my neighbourhood. I miss talking to other moms at the school yard.
I'm not really anxious for school to get started though. It means so many unpleasant things, mainly the passage of time. I know, I know, whether there is school or not makes no difference on how time moves, but it seems that once school starts, time flies. My babies are growing up, and much too fast. R starts grade five this year (!!) and L grade 3. I know that in the blink of an eye, it will be Hallowe'en, and then another blink, boom, Christmas, and then another and it's February and we're all looking forward to spring. Another blink and it's the end of another school year. Before I know it, they'll be graduating.
Sniff.
Of course, along with that unpleasant thing are others that come with school. Making lunches (yes, I had to mention that again because I despise it so), early mornings, earlier bedtimes, grumpier L, dealing with teachers, dealing with issues, and the exponential increase in exposure to illnesses.
Yes, I'm a hypochondriac of sorts. I hate dealing with illness, the kids', mine or hubby's. And guaranteed every September as soon as school starts, so do the illnesses. And this year R is in a portable, which means even more chance of him getting sick. Yes, it's not a proven thing, but just think about it. A closed-in environment, one room with no great ventilation, thirty kids breathing/coughing/sneezing on each other and most of them do not wash their hands at all.
Sigh.
And I will miss my boys. Yes, they've driven me crazy with fighting at times. But mostly, they've been pretty good all summer. I like having them around. It kills me to think when they're at school that the teacher sees more of them than I do. I guess that's probably the way parents feel when they send their kids off to daycare.
So I have this week off and I am desperate to fill the days with fun activities we can look back on during the winter months and remember fondly.
I just have no idea what those things will be. Anyone have any great (cheap) ideas?

Is This Real?

2011-08-16T14:30:00.000-04:00

Recently, I've been trying to find new business for my daycare. I need to take on a couple of new kids for the fall so I can fill the spots vacated by kids going to grade one.

So I have an ad on Kijiji, which has worked pretty well for me in the past. I also have people spreading the word, and on Marketplace via Facebook.

I haven't had much luck, and to be honest, I'm starting to get anxious and worried. I really need the money, but that's a boring and ongoing story.

Anyhow, every once in a while I get an email from a mom looking for more info, or if I'm lucky enough, an interview. Even though I have a website with all my info, and my ads direct them to said website, the contents of the emails are usually questions like, "Where are you located?", "What school do you service?", "What do your charge?" and "Are receipts included?", plus many others. I always try to be polite, and give a prompt answer even if they don't match well with me. I mean, who knows, maybe they'll pass on my name to a friend that does match.

But today I received this email. It's just...weird. It's sending up alarm bells in my head. It's not from Kijiji, because emails through that state they're through Kijiji.

It could be someone that arbitrarily found my website and emailed me from that, but they don't say where they got my email from.

They obviously don't speak English very well, as you can tell from the mistakes in the letter.

The weirdest part is that they say "your area" (non-specific) and that they don't really ask any questions other than hours and price. If I was coming from another country I would be asking a million questions, even if this is a preliminary "feeler" letter.

And, missionary work?? WTF? I'm not religious, and I don't know much about the goings-ons of a church, but isn't missionary work done in poor countries and stuff? And where they want to teach the "heathens" (me!) about Christ?

Um, yes there's poverty in Canada and even where I live, but not to the degree of say, African countries. And most of the people where we live are already Christians.

Ok, so here's the email, read for yourself:

Hi there,

We are christian family from California, USA coming to Ontario,Canada for a missionary work and this will last for 6 months so we are looking for a loving caregiver to take care of our son age 2years old (Dominic). The care giver will take care of our son's academic and personal requirements. The caregiver should able to converse reasonably well in English and should be willing to work 5 days a week.Kindly get back to us stating the best time for you to care for our son daily and your fee per month.Our missionary work can be done anywhere in your area so your location will not be a problem.

Please respond if only you have a vacant spot.

Thanks and God bless

Jessica and Thomas Piteau

Ok, so if this isn't a scam or spam then I'm going to feel bad for these people. But this really isn't the way to go about finding childcare. They make it sound as if they are moving into any area they find childcare. And that's just…

Weird.

You find childcare where you work or live, not the other way round.

But it screams fake to me. But the question is why? Why would you use this approach as a scam? And for what purpose?

Well, I won't answer them, purely based on the fact that they sound extremely religious and I'm not.

And yes that weighs heavily on my scale. Because you need to mesh and have similar ideals with the parents. And that doesn't make the cut.

Sorry Jessica and Thomas, if that's who you really are.

FREAKIN' FLIES!!!

2011-08-03T13:49:00.004-04:00

There's nothing I hate more than bugs, except maybe bugs in my house! A week ago or so, I was dealing with mysterious maggots. This week, despite my best efforts to seek out and destroy all of them and their source, it seems the little buggers have matured, and after the long weekend away at the cottage, I returned home to a house full of flies!

UGH!!

It's sooooo disgusting! It was so bad, that we actually opened up all the windows and doors hoping most of them would fly out. I am usually ~~screaming at~~ reminding the kids to hurry and close the screens/doors so the flies and assorted bugs don't get in. But for the one or two flies that flew into the house during this "open house", probably about five to ten flew out.

Now, two days later, I am still finding random flies buzzing around. And it annoys me so much! Because I can't figure out where the hell they're coming from! I took the compost garbage out before we left for the weekend. There was nothing in the regular garbage bin like old meat trays that would attract the pests. Nevertheless, I wasted a garbage bag just to empty the garbage can of it's pitiful contents so I could be sure. We cleaned the guinea pigs out. I cleaned the whole main part of the house, and all the bathrooms. I can't detect a rogue, rotting smell anywhere (and I have a pretty good smeller).

Just now the boys informed me that there were quite a few more of the bothersome creatures zooming around in the basement. So I went down there and went through the same routine. Emptied the garbages. Sniffed around. Searched for rancid or rotting food.

Nothing so far.

Tomorrow, when I have no daycare kids here, I am going to scour that basement. It's something I LOATHE doing, because it takes me all day, and it's like having to go to work for free on your day off. But as much as I hate it, I hate those pesky vermin even more.

Bored

2011-07-29T10:06:00.002-04:00

I'm bored. I'm trying to keep an eye on the multitude of kids I have here, and not get too engaged on anything on the computer (like reading my stories) so I can hop up in an instant to intervene should the need arise.
It's pouring rain. I should be grateful, as our lawn was starting to look a bit like a prairie scene. But after about a month of having less than a millimetre of rain, it's been raining on and off for almost a week now. C'mon Mother Nature! A little balance would be nice! So we are yet again stuck inside. I have limited craft supplies, due to funds, not that most of them want to do crafts anyway. I have an air hockey table that doubles as a junk collector, and I finally cleaned that off so they could play with that. That lasted about 10 minutes. I even asked who would like to put on their bathing suit and go outside to splash in the puddles, as my sister and I loved to do that on warm rainy summer days when we kids. No takers.
Sigh.
Right now they are all playing on their DS's. All five of the boys. Seriously. I feel like the worst babysitter in the world right now. But I can't find it in me to care that their brains are slowly turning to mush. They are not fighting. They are relatively quiet. They are fairly calm. They aren't saying, "I'm BOOOOOOOORRRRREEEDDD!!!!" or whining or annoying me. What could be bad about that?
I have so many things I need to be doing right now. Folding/putting away laundry. Ironing. Packing for the weekend at the cottage. Baking cookies and brownies to take with us. Preparing things for our meals on the weekend (marinades, grated cheese, etc, just stuff that's easier to do at home rather than in a small hot kitchen with two other women vying for space, one of them obstinate and quite literally pushy.)
(Yes, The Nan.)
I wonder if half of them would be willing to bake with me? I know A would. But she's not one of the trouble-makers. Hopefully I can convince L to come bake with me.

A Little Bummed

2011-07-28T13:52:00.004-04:00

I'm finally enjoying a few moments of peace and quiet. It seems too good to be true. Perhaps it will turn out to be....
This week has been busier, with the return of the PIMA C and his sister A. (PIMA stands for Pain In My Ass). I've had quite a few kids here, which is good for money but not so much for my nerves. With the PIMA here I have to be constantly on my toes. I have to supervise constantly I've learned, which is really a sad comment because he's almost 10! And it's not because he destroys things, or smokes up in the bathroom, or flashes his privates (THANK GOD!), but he argues and fights with my L and also the other kids (although not as much as with L) and it drives me crazy! He also has a lot of bad language. While that wouldn't bother me so much if it were just my two kids here, but I have little ones here. Little ones that are at the heart and the peak of their language acquisition. They are learning new words and how to express themselves EVERY DAY. It's crazy-fast how they learn to talk once they start. And I really don't want them picking up phrases like, "Suck this!", or "What the hell?!", or "idiot" or "stupid", or "DIE!" or many, many others.
Not only that, but he can't ever seem to step outside of himself and try to just be a little bit selfless. He's just so immature in so many ways. Every year I hope and pray he grows up, but he never seems to. I'm sorry to say this about a child, but that kid is going to be an asshole when he grows up. I can just tell right now.
And my sister has told me a million times to get rid of him. But I can't because I'm a wimp, and really not enough of a bitch to do that. I have to see his mother in the neighbourhood. His mom is really nice too. She has done me favours when I was in a crunch before. And I really don't want to jeopardize that. I will be speaking to her about his language tonight though. He has been away from here for almost a month, so perhaps he needs her to remind him about appropriate language for toddlers' ears.
So I am trying to count my blessings that I have kids here and the fact that I am getting paid at least. But I am stressed and worried. And jealous.
I'm stressed because I'm not making enough money. I thought that with the fact that DH has been working now for a few months (he returns to school fulltime in Dec)that we would be able to at least break even each month, if not even get to paying down some more debt.
Not so much. The fact that I don't have a whole bunch of kids is really hurting me. I've just paid some bills and pretty much used up the rest of the reserve we had for times such as these. Which totally freaks me out thinking about how I no longer have that cushion. AHHH!
I am worried too because I've been trying to get some more kids for daycare for the fall, and have had basically no bites. It's scary. Where are all the parents going back to work? What am I going to do when DH goes back to school in January and is out of work once again? If I have even less kids then, I am screwed. So you see how I can't get rid of kids that are annoying. I just can't afford it.
And I am jealous because of all these people that are on vacation. They have time off work, and families are doing things together and going places and having fun. I do get time off work, although unlike the general population, I don't get vacation pay, which kind of puts a damper on it.
No work, no pay.
And DH doesn't get any time off work either. His time off is during the school year, when they have "reading week", which never coincides nicely with any time the kids have off or what I can take off.
I guess I shouldn't complain, because we did just have a family vacation in Disney. But that already seems so far away.
Next week I have sort of a vacation week. Sort of. It's not because I took time off, but it's just that so many of the kids I watch are on vacation that week, plus schedules work out that other kids are here less. Plus I still have a kid coming here on Friday, and possibly two on Wed. So not exactly a week off. I'm screwed for money next week. I'm going to have to raid the freezer and do some serious meal planning revolving around what we have available. It's difficult, but doable.
Alright. Now I've moaned and complained enough, about the same old, same old. I should be glad that we have a home, health, and food on our table.
I just needed to get it off my chest ;)

Ow, again.

2011-07-23T15:35:00.003-04:00

Today I'm lying in bed and trying to stem the pain radiating from my right side. I'm using Tylenol, Advil, and a hot water bottle to help. Earlier I actually took one of my T-3's, around 7:00 a.m. and promptly passed out until about 10:30! It's been a very long time since I slept in that long!
So what is my deal? I thought that I had actually posted this, but turns out I didn't. It was still in my drafts. So go read it please, and then you will know.
It's back.
Well, I guess it never really went away. It's just flared up again.
I'm feeling rather guilty being miserable about something so trivial. Especially given that I know so many people worse off than this. My friend Cindy, my hero really, of Running Out Of Hands just gave birth naturally to her fourth child! Ok, she's not worse off, she's gloriously blessed and happy, I just mean she went through way more pain, I'm sure, than I'm in.
And my Dad's GF is in the hospital after falling down a flight of stairs and totally shattering her wrist and elbow, and had to have seven hours of surgery to fix it.
And of course there's my dear, sweet niece M, who has now completed her radiation and has to play the waiting game to see if it helped at all.
So really, I shouldn't complain. Things could be worse. I'm actually worried that they will get worse. Last time this happened I was in pain for three days. I only have two days right now to be in pain. The third day is Monday, and I can't afford to be in pain that day. And I'm a little worried that I screwed myself over by canceling my doctor appt last week. Obviously the problem is still here and needs attention. Damn.
While I'm very glad we didn't have plans to do anything today that I would have had to cancel, it still feels like such a waste of a day. I haven't dressed, and I've been lying in bed or on the couch the whole time. The house needs to be cleaned, there's shopping to be done as well as laundry, and tomorrow we're supposed to go over to my mom's for a BBQ. It's my nan's last weekend here in Canada before she returns home to UK. I really don't want to back out of that, I've only seen her twice since she arrived at the end of June. Truthfully I don't know how many more times I'll see her at all, she's 85 now. But I don't know how I can stand an almost hour and a half car ride feeling like this.
Guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens tonight.

GROSS!

2011-07-20T10:20:00.003-04:00

Anyone who's read my blog before may know how disgusted I am by bugs, like in this post here. This morning as I was getting the kids ready to head out into the backyard, I was greeted by a disgusting surprise crawling across my kitchen floor....
a maggot.
UGH!! EWWW!!! GROSS!!
Why oh why it was at the back sliding doors is beyond me. I have found them in the kitchen before, unfortunately, but they were in the general vicinity of the garbages (both regular and the green compost one). Usually the compost bin is the culprit, which is why I hate it, but put up with it for the sake of the environment and saving money on garbage tags.
This one was crawling away from the back door under my table. Where it was going, I can't fathom, but it ended up in a kleenex squashed up. I quickly scanned the area for signs of rotting food or otherwise, and other than the usual and constant sand/grass/crumbs, I couldn't see anything.
Then one of my daycare kids C went back inside to use the bathroom and came back out to inform me that he saw another one! ((shudder))
After we all came back inside, I searched the whole kitchen. I looked under the table, under the baby booster seats, under the doormat, in the track of the sliding door, the air vents and even climbed onto the table to look at the top of the blinds and to see what I could see! I swept and swiffer wet-jetted. I took out all the garbage, bleached the green bin and took out all the recycling. I still can't figure out where they were coming from. Why, if they were coming from the garbage (the likely place) were they all the way over on the other side of the kitchen?
I am so beyond grossed out right now, and I am compelled to finish this post and go upstairs to check around for more.
Too be continued..............................?
Let's hope not!

Summer Days

2011-07-13T09:28:00.003-04:00

Hey, long time no see! LOL! It's been a week or so since my last post, so that's not too bad, right? Things around here have been busy as usual for summer. The daycare is busy of course, with the 2 yr old, Kadybug everyday, the two P brothers, C&E (5 & 6.5) and nearly 2 Miss Mack. I haven't had the almost 3 J, thank God! I'm hoping his mom is toilet training him as we speak! And C (9) and his sis A (6) have been away for almost 4 weeks now due to their mom having back trouble and being home from work, and also they have been at camp. I won't have to deal with them until the last week of July! HOORAY!! C is a huge pain in my ass, as you may know. And A is ok, but being the only girl and a bit of a princess (too good to play with the boys) she drives me nuts by following me around all day! Miss Mack doesn't come everyday, but she is a good playmate for Kadybug. The numbers are nice for now. I'm not looking forward to adding two more...sigh.
So L and R have been ok so far. Not too many, "I'm BOOOOOORRRED"'s yet! They both had upset stomachs in the middle of the night a few days ago, and I thought we were going to have to deal with a stomach virus, but they seemed fine the next morning. Then last night L had diarrhea and was complaining of stomach pain, and also he was burping up horrible rotten egg smelling sulphurous burps! The smell was disgusting! I can't imagine how nasty the taste was. (TMI?) R has had this before, twice actually and he ends up puking a couple of times after a few hours, a horrible rancid smelling puke (I know, puke stinks but this is beyond gross). I have no idea what it is, other than researching on the internet and finding out it may Giardia. Anyway, L was distraught when I told him he may end up puking. So I got him very reluctantly to drink some baking soda mixed into water (it was recommended on several chats regarding this egg burp, and it couldn't hurt so why not?) Ok, if you've ever tasted baking soda in water ladies, you'll know it has a very, VERY familiar taste....relating to oral sex....s'all I'm sayin'...
I also decided to go against medical advice and gave him a teaspoon of Pepto. They say now kids shouldn't have it, because of the same dangers as giving them Aspirin, but I had it all the time as a kid and I'm fine. Plus, he didn't have a fever, so I wasn't too worried about him getting this Reye's syndrome. And it seemed to help. He slept all night, and ate breakfast, but I'm not going to say he's cured until he goes to the bathroom again.
Monday this week I had an unexpected day off. It was really nice. I was only supposed to have Kadybug, but her dad wanted to spend the day with her (Awwwwwwww) and so she stayed home. My mom, nan and nephew T came over, and we took the kids to the splash pad. It was so nice to spend time with T without his mom around (sorry N, I did miss you though...). Kids are always different without their parents around, mine too, I'm sure. Instead of being sucky and clingy to Mommy, T took my hand and led me all around the splash park, smiling and laughing with me. It was so cute. Then later when we got home, he and L went upstairs and played together. That was sweet. Usually I see R being the more "brotherly" figure to his cousins, but it was really great to see L in that role.
After they left, I took the boys to a local public pool and we went swimming. So, lots of water Monday! I'm wondering if L picked up some bacteria or virus from one of those places....I've had a weird itchy rash on the underside of my right arm since...hmmmm....
I started the kids on their new summer workbooks. L is not too happy with that, of course, seeing as how he hates school so much, but he needs it the most. The P Bros don't mind, especially E who is going into SK. He has already flown through the first part of his book. I'm going to have to get him another! R and L got thicker ones, containing much of the Canadian Curriculum. It's not the Ontario curriculum, but whatever. As long as they're learning/reviewing something and it's not too American (meaning history, spellings and currency) then I'm happy. We usually do this in the summer, and start off with gusto, and that wanes and fades. It's a lot of work for me, having all these kids needing help and all being different levels. I really don't know how home-schooling moms do it! One kid, yeah, maybe two, meh, but more? I couldn't do that full time!!
Today I was supposed to have a follow-up Dr. appt. for my cyst problem. Not sure if I blogged about that or not.... Anyhow, about a month and a half ago, I was in terrible pain and went to the ER thinking I had a kidney stone or something. Turns out ovarian cysts. I was told to go to my doctor and have him make an appt for a U/S in two weeks. I laughed hard at that, and it wasn't because I was stoned on morphine either. Our Dr. NEVER has appts. As you can tell, my follow-up appt was for more than a month later - today. However, due to the fact that I couldn't get the day off, I have had to cancel it. I tried to ask the parents to find alternate care, but I made two big mistakes:
One, is that I neglected to ask them right away. It just slipped my mind, so I ended up asking them last week. Kinda short notice.
Two, is that because I was an idiot, I felt bad about asking them for time off at such short notice and I ended up telling both sets that if they couldn't find alternate care to "not worry about it". I sort of figured that at least one set of parents would be compliant, and that would help me out, but of course, Murphy's Law, neither one of them did. Well, actually, the one set of parents I'm pretty sure completely forgot to try. Typical.
So last night I debated and debated and this morning I debated and debated. Take five kids to the Dr. with me? Or cancel? The baby is no prob. She's easy to take anywhere. My two, fine. But the P Bros? They are good boys but combined with my own two lately and they have been quite the foursome to handle. Very rambunctious and loud and giggly and silly and at times, a little out of hand. I really didn't know if they would behave being left in the waiting room by themselves. It wasn't something I felt comfortable with. Plus, my truck only fits four kids. R would have had to ride in the front seat, something I don't mind if we're just going around the corner to the school or the local beach, but not for a +20 minute drive through town. I can't turn the airbag off in that vehicle.
But cancelling means that I don't get taken care of. I feel alright now of course, but something tells me that this is more of a chronic thing rather than a one-off. And cancelling means no appt again for months. Sigh.
So I called this morning and cancelled. It wasn't worth risking my child's safety or my own sanity. I called around 9:15. The office opens at 9, but apparently they don't answer the phones until 9:30 (WTF?). These people drive me nuts. It's like they try to work as little as possible, and get max. amount of money for it. Sheesh. So they are open Tues, Wed and Thurs from 9 to 4, that's only 7 hours, and really it's only 6 hours because they are closed from 12 to 1 for lunch! They are only open from 9 to 12 on Fridays. On top of that, they don't answer the phone until 9:30? Why? How do they get any business done. It's no wonder we are struggling in our city with sooooo many people without regular healthcare.
Anyhow, the thing that pissed me off was that when I called and listened to their long message before I could leave mine, I heard them say that I would be charged a fee for a missed appt, or one cancelled with less than 24 hrs notice. WTF?! There is no way in hell that I am paying any God Damn fee!! It's not like they couldn't fill the missed appointment. I'm sure anyone on their very long list of patients waiting for appts would gladly take my place. If they send me a bill, I'm going to rip it up and mail it back to them. They make me wait all this time for a simple appointment, and then they have the nerve to tell me I have to pay a fee for missing it? NO WAY.

My Weekend Off

2011-07-05T10:57:00.004-04:00

Last weekend I had three glorious days to myself. Well, not completely to myself. I did see other family members, but I had the house to myself, the bed to myself, the tv, computer and peace and quiet ALL TO MYSELF.
And it was wonderful.
On Thursday night, DH and the boys packed up and were gone by 7:00 to the cottage until Sunday. After they left, I went around to our local burger joint and grabbed myself some dinner. I sat and ate without interruptions, without having to yell at anyone to, "Just. Get. Eating!", and watched what I liked on tv. Not that there was much on. Afterward, I contemplated contacting a friend and having a movie night, but I was just so tired. I kept falling asleep on the couch. Go figure.
Finally I went up to bed and awaited my phone call letting me know that they had arrived safely.
Friday morning came fast, I find I always sleep so much better without anyone else in the bed with me. I kept having dreams all weekend though that my weekend was being ruined by either A) me giving in and going up to the cottage, or B) they all came home early!
Friday, being Canada Day, meant that not much was open, so no temptation for me to go out shopping. I started the ENORMOUS task of cleaning the house. Why, you ask, would you spend your weekend off cleaning? Because my house desperately needed it. And because it's so much easier to clean when no one else is here following me around making a mess right after me. And because looking at a completely clean house is oh, so satisfying as well as knowing it will stay that way for at least the next two days. Plus, I don't mind cleaning nearly as much when I can keep going on task (no interruptions) and I can blare my music at the same time.
After a full day of cleaning (and no, I never really finished) I took a shower and awaited my Dad's arrival. He was coming over to spend some quality time with his ~~favourite~~ first-born child.
Dad and I went out to eat at my new favourite Thai restaurant here in town. I can't eat there normally, as my DH is allergic to peanuts and most other nuts, and the boys are not that adventurous beyond pizza and chicken nuggets, so it was a real treat for me.
After, we strolled along the main street downtown where they had lots of vendors and bands playing for Canada Day. We stopped for a quick drink at a local bar/brewery, and then went to claim a spot along the waterfront for the fireworks later. It was a really great "date" with my dad.
Saturday, I got up later, cleaned a little bit more, then ran some errands. I really didn't have enough time to do all I was supposed to because I was too lazy to get out of bed at a decent hour, and I hurried off to go see my mom, nan, sisters, nephew and nieces. It was a lovely visit, and my mom had a bbq with lots of salads and stuff. It felt nice and a little bit evil to be getting just my own food and sitting and eating peacefully without having to make sure my children had food, a decent amount of the healthy stuff, and were eating it. My sisters were of course, running around tending to their flock while I sat back and ate. Nice.
I stayed at my mom's until almost ten, visiting with her and my nan (her mom who is over from England) and didn't have to worry about getting home at a decent time to get anyone to bed.
Sunday came quickly and I got moving with some more chores I needed to do. The family got home around 3, and I went out shortly after to grocery shop, enjoying a few more minutes of "aloneness".
Some things I learned from this weekend:

DH was wrong when he said, "It won't help." It did me a world of good. I'm not saying I'm supermom now, or that I have an endless well of patience, but even the time apart from me was helpful for L, I think.
It wasn't enough time. I really could have used a couple more days. Does it make me a bad mom to say that I didn't even miss them? I think I was too busy to. But I didn't. When they got home, it felt to me as though they had just left.
I didn't even miss DH. Not sure if that's a bad sign or not. I do think that if he had come home alone, leaving the boys with his mom for the rest of the week or something, it would have been nice too. We still need some time together, which I really need to arrange somehow.
If I was a SAHM (meaning without having to work from home!) I think my house would be really clean!
Even if I had two weeks alone, my house still wouldn't be clean. The more I cleaned and did the basic stuff (wash floors, vacuum, clean toilets, etc.) the more stuff I noticed that needed to be done; I need to clean the light fixtures, wash the cupboards down, clean the windows, wash the blinds, clean the screens, and so on....I'm ashamed to admit, that things like cleaning light fixtures and blinds, NEVER get done around here. NEVER. I'm too busy. I really have a hard time keeping up with the normal cleaning, that stuff is secondary, and when I do have a moment, I'd far rather curl up with a good story, or do something with the family.
If I was a SAHM, I think I'd lose weight. Weird? Here's my reasoning: I noticed this weekend that I stress-eat. And I eat out of boredom. When I'm working, when I have other kids here, I can't do things like get involved with cleaning. I have to watch them. I can sit on my ipod, or the computer in the same room with them, still interact with them and still watch them, but I can't physically leave and go vacuum the bedrooms upstairs (or clean the light fixtures, LOL!) I can however, take short trips upstairs to the kitchen. At which point I satisfy cravings for things I've stashed away, or things I've baked. I do believe that if my kids were in school all day while I was here, I'd be cleaning, or running errands, or volunteering, and I wouldn't be as stressed out over kids' behaviours etc, and I'd be too busy to mooch stuff to eat. Over the weekend, I barely had a snack at all. On Sunday I skipped lunch and grabbed a yogurt as I ran around trying to finish cleaning. Hell, I'd probably even have time to actually join a gym! Sadly, I'll probably never have the chance to find out my theory, so I guess I'll just have to continue fighting with my willpower.

So when's my next weekend alone? Who knows. I'm severely tempted to stay home EVERY time they go to the cottage. They really didn't seem to miss me, nor I them, so what is the point of me going? Only DH wants me there really, so he can relax while I watch the boys. I guess we'll see what happens next time the cottage gets brought up. It would be nice though, a girl can dream...

This Weekend

2011-06-28T09:50:00.003-04:00

My plan for this weekend has me all torn up inside. Recently, as you may know from my previous blog, I have been pretty stressed out with the kids, specifically L. I do ok during the week and then the weekend comes along and I find myself yelling, seething, and constantly losing my patience.
And it's scaring me.
I don't want to be that mom. I don't want to be.....my mom.
I hesitate to write that, because I love her so much. She was a great mother. But most of my memories of my older childhood are of her yelling. A lot.
I can't blame her. She was a stay-at-home (mostly) mom of four kids. My dad worked, often long hours. We had a limited budget. Many, many things that will stress a mom out. And although she had many friends, I don't think she had a large support network. She didn't have ECE training, or parenting magazines, or the internet to help her learn new ways to deal with different situation. (Ok, that sounds conceited. I'm not trying to say that I'm a better mom than she was just because I have ECE training, I just maybe have more insight into some situations.) She did the best she could. But my memories are of a grumpy mom. I specifically remember loving the holidays (vacations or Christmas) because that's when my mom would be happier.
And that proves the old adage: Happy mom, happy kids.
So back to my dilemma, what's tearing me up. Last weekend, I found myself crying, and telling myself that I really needed a break. And that I would take one.
DH is planning to go to the cottage this weekend. As you know, not my favourite place, but it is his. For you Americans, it is a long weekend here; Canada Day is July 1st, and happens to fall on a Friday this year. So that means DH would probably leave and go up to the cottage on Thurs night.
I told him yesterday that I wasn't going.
DH- "WHY?" (now looking very disgruntled)
Me- "I really need a break. I really need this if I am going to spend the next nine weeks surrounded by kids and fighting."
DH - silence.
Me- "What are you thinking?"
DH- "I'm just disappointed I guess."
Here's where I'm thinking, Does he want me to come because he will miss me? or Does he want me to come because he knows this means he's left with the kids on his own?
I thought I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. I assumed he meant he wanted to be with me. So I offered a compromise. "Why don't we give the kids to your mom, and we could have the weekend to ourselves?" (We haven't had that in, well, forever.)
DH - (in an almost whiny tone) "But I really want to go to the cottage."
Ok, fine. Guess that answers my question. So apparently, my needs are not important. It doesn't matter that I'm stressed. It doesn't matter that we haven't had couple time in forever. It only matters that he gets what he wants. So now I'm made to feel guilty for wanting some sanity. For wanting to regain my composure, to feel like an adult instead of a mom.
Part of me is saying that it's not as bad as all that. Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. We aren't very good communicators. Probably because I bottle everything up out of past experiences of learning that being emotional gets me nowhere with him. He is very stubborn. And if he does give in to what I want, he will sulk and be sullen about it, for AGES!! Boy that guy can hold a grudge! So I probably should talk to him, and let him know that us spending alone time together is very important to us as a couple.
But then there's the selfish part of me that wants to be ALONE alone. No one else. Free to have the whole bed, to eat when I want, to eat what I want (not what I think is a decent compromise of all the family's likes and dislikes), to run on my own schedule. To have NO schedule! So I don't know if I want to change his mind...Plus that selfish part wants him to suffer. I want him to see what I go through. Of course knowing my luck, the boys will be angels all weekend. They'll save it all up for when they get home.
So there is another reason I want to stay home. It's my mom's birthday on Sunday, my nephew T's 2nd birthday tomorrow, and my Nan is arriving from England for her annual summer visit. Three good reasons to go visit with my family this weekend. And due to the holiday, we almost ALWAYS miss my mom's birthday. And I feel awful about that. I want to celebrate with her. She deserves it.
So what, you say, is my problem?
I feel bad. I feel like a horrible mother for not wanting to be with my kids. I feel like I'm letting them down, that I'm giving them some idea that I can't stand them. And I know I'll miss them. Especially when I'm hearing or watching the fireworks here in town on Friday night. But, it's not enough to make me go with them.
I think.
Maybe.
We'll see.

Feeling Like A Bad Mom

2011-06-26T20:48:00.005-04:00

Lately I've been having a hard time with L. My patience for his antics has long since worn thin. Let me try to explain a few of the things that he does.
He constantly complains about anything and everything. Even when something hasn't happened yet, but there is a small chance it could, he moans and whines about it.
He doesn't listen. I tell him to do something, and he ignores me. Until I threaten him with taking away something such as his iPod.
He has a hard time getting along with the other kids here at home. He can't seem to make compromises, and when things don't go his way, he throws a fit, or he lashes out physically, or he does things to deliberately annoy them.
He argues with me, his brother, anyone, and he slams doors.
When he has things that don't go his way, or he gets hurt, or he is asked to do some kind of chore, it's a huge drama. It's the "worst day ever" or he wants to "die" or "kill himself" or he "hates this world". I don't know how to take that. DoI take him seriously and get him professional help? Is he depressed? Or is it a ploy for attention? So far I've tried to ignore it, but I don't want to ignore something potentially serious.
Everything is boooooorrrrrrriiinnnggg.
When he gets into trouble, he hits himself in the head and calls himself stupid. I can't seem to make him see that he's not, no matter what, and I want to know where I went wrong with fostering his self-esteem. Who has told him that he is stupid? He feels inadequate next to all the other kids at school.
Things are bad. I want him to be a happy child. But he makes it seem like his life is a total hardship. I don't know how to show him that he has a great life. That he's so lucky to be him.
The worst part of all this is that I don't want to be around him anymore. When he screams out, "I HATE THIS WORLD!!" it takes everything in me not to tell him to leave then. The comments that go through my head when he is being irritating are shocking even to me. And while I realize that I shouldn't be saying (I don't) or even thinking those things as his mother, I can't help it. It isn't until later when I calm down significantly that I feel a little bad.
The other weekend, after saying at least five separate times that the floor was wet (freshly washed) and to stay off, I lost it. He walked onto the floor while having a fit because his brother got a lemonade and he never asked for one, to dump out the drink he did have. Aside from the fact that he was wasting something out of spite, I was very angry that he was on my clean wet floor! I screamed at him so loudly that A) I'm sure the neighbours heard, B) I made my throat hurt and C) I startled him so bad he started to cry. You'd think I would feel bad for that, but I didn't. I was seething, my blood was pounding through my veins, and it was only by a slim margin that I managed to say "Go to your room!" instead of "Get out of my sight, I can't stand looking at you!"
Because that's what I was thinking.
After a 20 minute walk around the neighbourhood and a small stay in my garden, I finally felt calm enough to go back in the house. I was still angry though, but forced myself to go to his room and try to make amends.
I know this may seem an extreme over-reaction to you, but this is an ongoing thing. It's a culmination of one misbehavior after another. I can handle not listening. I can handle whining. I can handle mess-making. I can handle complaining. I can handle (some) fighting. But I can't handle ALL of it, ALL at once, ALL the time.
I feel like a bad mother. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make him happier. I don't know how to make myself want to be around him. And I'm scared that one day I'm going to say or do something I'll really regret.
I think the main problem now is that there's no reward. You know how you say, "It's all worth it" when they give you a hug, or kiss, or sweet smile, or say they love you out of the blue?
Yeah, there's none of that. He won't hug me unless I steal one or ask, he NEVER gives me a kiss, the only I love you's are when I day them first and that's few and far between. There's not a lot to keep me coming back for more. Right now, to me, he feels like another kid in my daycare who annoys the hell out of me and hasn't got picked up for days! Even my babies give me more love than he does.
So here's my next question. Do I continue to "force" physical affection on him/from him, or do I leave him alone? Am I disrespecting his personal space or wishes by hugging him and kissing him when he clearly doesn't want me to? Or is it my right (because really, I think it is)?
What do I do? School is done in three days, and honestly, I'm worried. I'm worried we'll have a crappy summer and I'll end up mentally ill or something.
Right now he is in bed. I am thinking back on my day, and analyzing it. Today, I really tried to keep my cool. No yelling. I did pretty well. However, I ended up crying instead. I was chopping rhubarb and couldn't stop the tears from falling as I was feeling like a horrible mom for wishing my kids away. Luckily no one noticed, as I couldn't really explain it.
Sigh.
I just can't win.

Irritated

2011-06-14T19:30:00.003-04:00

Sorry, this is a griping and complaining sort of blog entry. Pretty whiny, all things considered.
But I'm annoyed.
At, you might guess DH, but no, The Nan.
She called tonight, around 5:30. I hesitated to answer the phone, as I always do when I see her name pop up. I know it's mean, but it almost always means she wants something from DH. Something time-consuming, mostly. But I talked myself into answering it for a couple of reasons. One, she lives with DH's mom and dad, so when the name pops up, it's not always her (although usually it is) and I really don't mind having a chat with his mom. Two, I have to keep reminding myself that she is old, and she can't help that her mind is "going", and karma can be a bitch if I don't remember this.
Why, oh why did I not listen to my instincts this time? I knew that she had only just called last week to ask how we were all doing. So she had to have been calling because she wanted something. It was too soon for another, "How are you?" call.
She simply asked me if DH was home (not yet) and to call her when he was. I really should have "forgotten" to pass the message on.
Turns out, she wanted him to drive to Richmond Hill where they live to go car shopping! WTF? She wants to go NOW, because some Ford promotion ends tonight.
Really? She couldn't have called several weeks ago to ask him when a good time would be? She had to wait until the last minute, of the last day of the promotion? And, incidentally, what promotion ends on a Tuesday?? Or, the 14th of the month?
And why does HE have to go? We all know how pig-headed and stubborn she is, it's not like she's going to listen to anything he says! She could easily have dragged out DH's dad and not listened to his advice instead. He does live with her, and wouldn't have to drive for an hour to get there.
He had just got home from work, plus he had cut the grass, and wolfed down his dinner. The boys got to see their dad for about 10 minutes as he inhaled his meal.
I SO hate this! This....this....power, I guess, that she has over him. Well, that his whole family seems to have over him. He is at her beck and call. What is with that? Why couldn't he have just told her no, I'm sorry, I'm busy? To call and expect him to jump and run immediately there is unbelievable! And unfair! She is so irritating!!

Glee Concert

2011-06-13T11:20:00.005-04:00

On Saturday I traveled to downtown Toronto to see Glee Live in Concert with my sister N and niece M. The boys and DH came with me for the ride, and they went to take in Casa Loma while we girls did our thing.

It was all very exciting, and our seats were amazing! We had floor seats, twenty rows back from the main stage. There was another smaller stage set up in the middle of the floor area that we were even closer to. I took this picture of Kurt (Chris Colfer) and Rachel (Lea Michele)with N's camera, since I stupidly thought we couldn't bring cameras and so didn't bring mine. They were on the smaller stage at this point.

I felt a little like a teenager again, screaming and applauding, jumping up and down and dancing. It's easy to get caught up in the enthusiasm and excitement. I bought the three of us matching red Glee shirts from Walmart, but miss M wouldn't wear hers, as it wasn't pink or sparkly at all. Hey, that's what's important when you're a four year old girl! I probably won't be wearing the shirt again, other than for cleaning or something, because even though in the moment it felt "cool", I probably look like a real dork as a 37 year old mom sporting a teenager's apparel.

So I've been following the cast of Glee on Twitter, which I don't normally bother with (I'm listed as mom2others, if you care, which I don't really). I wanted to see what they would say about Toronto and such. I came across a link to a blog that Dianna Agron writes (she plays Quinn). It is about tolerance, and it is so well written. I don't know much about the personal lives of any of these stars, but she must be well educated, and very smart. If you have a chance, you should read it, here.

GLEE!!

2011-06-10T13:35:00.003-04:00

I am very excited to be going to see Glee in Concert at the ACC tomorrow! I am going with my sister N, and little Miss M as well. I bought us all matching red Glee t-shirts from Walmart. Since M is only 4, her's will be more of a dress, but that's ok, the t-shirts are tight fitting and I bought her x-small.
I know, I'm a GLEEK, but I can't wait!

I'm A Terrible Blogger

2011-06-09T09:35:00.003-04:00

I've been really bad at blogging lately. Part of this is due to the fact that I am just so busy during the days now. I don't seem to get too many breaks like I used to during the day, mostly because the older non-napping children will no longer be good and go watch a movie at naptime and LEAVE ME ALONE for an hour's peace. Oh no. They are "bored" with that. They don't waaaaannnnt to (said with an extended whine). So I feel that I must perform my professional duties and find things for them to do. Either that or appear too busy (which actually means being busy) to entertain them. Sigh. And because of the better weather, we've been outside a lot too, so I'm not near a computer. And then evening hits, and all I feel like doing is collapsing, and my brain is too tired to function.
So the other reason is that I am long-winded, as you know form my posts. None of them are particularly short. So I'll start writing a post, then get interrupted halfway through, and by the time I have a chance to get back to it, my muse is gone and I don't feel like writing that subject anymore. I just don't have enough time!
But sorry.
I'm sure all you nice people that read me (all what, 5 of you? LOL!) have been wondering what is going on with M, my niece. So here is an update.
My sis and BIL got the results of M's biopsy, and the news wasn't good. So here's what I've pieced together from various sources (N, my dad, and google). The main tumor is on her brain stem, which we already knew. It is inoperable, which we knew. It is definitely cancer. Ther are a couple of other smaller tumors in her brain. The outlook isn't good. My dad told me that they were told "a year to live". I didn't ask my sis N if that was true, because really, I couldn't ask her to rehash that, and also we are choosing to believe that miracles do happen and what is the point of listening to doctors' timelines? It's not as if you're going to cross off the days on a calendar.
I know from googling, that the prognosis for brain tumors of this type isn't good. The percentages of survival are extremely low. But here's my thought: Some people had to make up those statistics. That means some people had to have survived it. Otherwise, the percentage would be zero, wouldn't it? So why can't M be one of those in the percentage of survival? Hope is the only thing that keeps us going.
So on the medical side, she is having six weeks of radiation treatment, everyday, except weekends. That is to hopefully shrink the tumors and extend her life (I believe anyway). Chemo is not an option, as it doesn't work on the brain. This is both good and bad news. Good because it would be terrible to have to watch your child go through that, the medication is so toxic. Bad because it eliminates a treatment option and another pathway to a hopeful recovery.
On the non-medical side, my sis and BIL have contacted the homeopath I probably mentioned earlier. He is world-renowned in the homeopathic community, and has had great success with treating cancers and other terminal illnesses. He wrote a book that N read and told me that in it he claims to have a 70% success rate with curing the type of cancer that M has! And that was ten years ago. So hopefully the rate is better now, that he will have learned more since then. And he works in conjunction with modern medicine, so they don't have to choose one or the other. We are very hopeful that this will have a positive effect. I can't fathom the other option. It's just...too....wrong.
M is doing well. She hasn't had too many ill effects from the radiation yet, and you wouldn't know that she was a gravely ill little girl. This weekend M, N and I are going to see Glee in Concert! I am so excited to see it, and also to watch M enjoy it. She loves the music!

Ouchy!

2011-06-04T08:09:00.005-04:00

On Wednesday morning when I got into the shower to start my day, I could feel a pain in my back on my right side and what felt like a menstrual cramp in my groin area on the same side. I couldn't understand why I was feeling this, because really, it was completely the wrong time of the month for that. Plus, I never get cramps on one side only.
So I carried on with my day, although the pain continued to get worse. By mid-morning I had to lie down and just let the kids play around me. By noon, I was dying for naptime, and had to call DH to come home as soon as he could. Movement aggravated the pain, and I wanted to walk around holding myself hunched over like an old lady.
Finally, 5:00 came and all the kids left and DH sent me to the clinic. Two hours later I was home with no diagnosis. Stupid, useless Dr. They did test my urine and said no infection was present there, and that I wasn't pregnant. Well duh! I could have told them that! I actually did tell them I only just finished my period the week before, do wouldn't that be a little too soon for pregnancy? Whatever. So the Dr apparently didn't know what was wrong with me. Even when I asked him if the pain could be coming from my ovaries, he said no, the pain was in the wrong place!
Turns out, that Dr needs to brush up on his female anatomy.
Over the next night and in the morning I was in excruciating pain. I was in tears at one point. I don't even remember labour being as bad as that, although I'm sure it was, just not as constant. At least labour pain came and went in waves, giving me relief in the intermittent off periods. Anyhow, DH took the kids to a friend's place to be taken to school from there, and he took me to the hospital.
At first, when I hobbled into the triage area if the ER, it looked quite empty and I thanked the heavens. However, not two minutes later, the ambulances started rolling in. And we all know that of course they take priority. An hour or more later I was dying. I was whimpering and writhing in that stupid plastic chair, trying to find the most comfortable position. I really was about thirty seconds from saying "to hell with it," and laying down on the disgusting floor.
Finally, the angels of mercy looked upon me and they granted me entrance to the place with beds. The wonderful, heavenly beds. No other bed has ever been more comfortable, more wonderful.
And yes, I know it was a gurney.
From that point on I was given something called Toridol (sp?) via IV, and then taken for a CT scan. Then I was given a most wonderful blend of morphine and gravol. Ah, sweet heaven.
After a nap that I was rudely awakened from by the Dr, (how dare he!) I was told my kidneys were fine and that I did indeed have cysts on my ovaries, the right sided one being larger and therefore causing pain.
Ok, they really shouldn't talk to you when you've only just woke up in a gravol/morphine induced stupor. It's really hard to focus! Thank god DH was there to take all the info in.
So I was sent home with a paper explaining the results (in medical jargon, and I actually ended up googling much of it to try and decode and decipher it) and told to make an appointment with my family doctor within the next few days so he/she could send me for an ultrasound within the next two weeks. Hah!! Obviously the man didn't have any idea of how hard it is to get appts in this town!
So we shall see what happens next… For now I have a lovely bottle of Tylenol + codeine.

A Small Update On My Niece

2011-05-18T13:28:00.005-04:00

There hasn't been much in the way of news lately about M. A lot of the days has been waiting, waiting, and more waiting. Nothing, I'm sure in comparison to what N and D are going through, but just sitting here helpless and waiting for a scrap of news is hard. I know that there isn't anything anyone can do, other than offer to help in any way, or to pray and hope, but it still doesn't make you feel any less useless knowing that. I comfort myself by Googling stuff, hoping for a scrap of info that would help; daydreaming that I would find a small tidbit of information that would cause everyone including the doctors to go, "Oh! Of course!! We must try that immediately!"
I have found some information about cancer patients drinking breast milk. Some study in Sweden, I think, found that by putting breast milk onto a rat's tumor, it shrunk it. Other studies have found that patients with bladder cancer received breast milk and peed out dead cancer cells. Who knows if they are drinking the milk, or if the milk was being applied to the tumor directly. There's the thing: there isn't any proof that drinking breast milk will help. But it can't harm, right? I mean, it's not a nasty chemical or even from another animal; it's HUMAN milk! Something many of us were raised on.
So anyway, we still don't know 100% that it is in fact cancer, but it's not looking too good. Maybe I am grasping at straws like I always do, but I would be willing to do anything to save that little girl. I would go on that breast milk inducing drug (Domperidone?) to get myself lactating again, if I thought it would give an ounce of help or hope. My other sister, S, is still breastfeeding my niece, A, but I don't know if she has enough anymore. A is now pretty much almost finished with that. I know she could get it started again with some perseverance and pumping, but......well, it's all speculation. I've yet to mention it to N or D, simply because we have no diagnosis yet.
On the weekend, M as released to go home for a few days. The boys and I went over to their place on Sunday to hang out. M was happy and playing, although somewhat tired, probably due to lack of good sleep in the past few days and also the steroids they had her on.
On Monday, they took M back to Sick Kids to admit her for her biopsy scheduled for yesterday. Yesterday was a huge waiting day. Nobody knew what time the biopsy was happening. And we all had to play telephone tag : my mom, S, my dad and I. I'm sure my brother was in there somewhere too. He is lucky though, as he lives right in Toronto and can go over to the hospital basically anytime and be there very quickly. Can't believe I'm saying someone is lucky to live in T.O., because, blech, but in this case it is.
M finally had her biopsy around 3 pm I think, but didn't get out of recovery until about 8. I still haven't talked directly to N since Sunday, mainly because I don't want to keep bugging her with phone calls, and also because when S and I were trying to call this morning, we discovered we had the wrong numbers.
M spent the night in Constant Care, where they could monitor her carefully. Her heart rate was low after the surgery, and she is on morphine too, which requires constant monitoring of their oxygen levels. She was responsive though, a good thing, and she is having visitors today. They did a CT scan of her head this morning, to make sure that there was no hemorrhaging from the biopsy.
Unfortunately, it looks like they will be waiting until probably Friday before they get the results back. She posted a note on Facebook earlier, and mentioned that right now feels "a bit like the calm before the storm." It is terribly nerve-wracking. Even I dream of M every night, and wake often wondering what the outcome of all this will be.
I must stay positive and hopeful.

I Should Never Complain Of Boredom Again

2011-05-14T12:41:00.002-04:00

So yesterday, as I was trying to post to my blog about the horrendous ordeal that is going on, I was told over and over again by the blogger website that it was unavailable. When I finally got onto my blogger dashboard, I could see that my post from Thurs was missing. It wasn't a terribly exciting post, just me complaining of boredom mostly, but it seems to be back now so you can read it if you need a sedative (ha ha).
Anyhow, I will not complain of boredom again. Because you know the old adage; be careful what you wish for.... This was not the kind of excitement I was longing for! Not at all!
Last night the family and I went down to Sick Kids to visit my sis, BIL and M. With not being able to leave before 5 or just after, and having to stop and buy some Wendy's for dinner, and also with the constant traffic that encompasses the 400 series of highways, we didn't get there until almost 7. That left us with just an hour to visit.
But that was ok, because M and the rest were wiped out. M hadn't had enough sleep the night before for such a small girl, and then had been sedated during the afternoon for her MRI, so she was getting pretty tired.
She was, however, just as spunky and cute as ever. Looking at her, you'd never know there was something evil and ugly growing inside her sweet little skull. I constantly ask myself, as I'm sure so many have done before me, why? Why her? Why this??
WHY?
WHY?
WHY?
We've had a little bit more news since then. I'll copy and paste what my sis wrote on Facebook this morning.
"The oncologist came in with the results last night and they were a bit confusing. They said they were unusual. The one mass at the base of her brain has a cyst in the middle but is surrounded by tumor, but it has a clear defined edge which is supposed to be a good sign (benign?) They also found another mass on her cerebellum which is another tumor. They have decided to do a biopsy early next week, so we may possibly go home today for a couple days and then come back. The biopsy will involve removing skull to take it, and then they will decide on treatment, they won't remove the brain stem one and probably not the other one either, just chemo and/or radiation (I wasn't clear on that part)."
So that's all we know. It sounds a little more hopeful than what we were originally told...although the thought of my poor little M going through chemo and/or radiation is frightening at the least. Plus the whole removing of her skull business...
My sis and family are home now. They were discharged this morning with a prescription for a steroid for M, and were told to come back on Monday so they'd be ready for the biopsy on Tues.
That's it for now. Please keep sending those good vibes and prayers.

The Worst Day Of Our Lives So Far

2011-05-13T13:31:00.002-04:00

My mind is in a whirlwind. Consequently, my body is feeling strangely detached. I am going through the motions, almost like I've been on some kind of heavy painkiller for the day. I'm tired of crying, and my head hurts from it.

Today, at 6:00 a.m., I received a phone call from my sister. Everyone who has a telephone knows that phone calls at odd hours can never be good. Unless you're expecting good news, like, "The baby is finally here!" You hear that phone ring, and your stomach lurches up into your esophagus. Your heart starts to pound at three times its normal rate. And I received the worst news via telephone that I've ever had in my life.

My four-year-old niece, M, is in Sick Kids Hospital. She has a mass in her brain.

Oh. God.

I had been talking to my sister N the previous day, and she was telling me about these strange symptoms that M has, that they've recently noticed. Her face was drooping on one side, and she had been talking out of one side of her mouth, almost like a stroke victim. Not only that, but she seemed weak on the left side of her body, unable to squeeze your hand firmly or balance on her left leg. My sis and BIL took her to the family doctor, who diagnosed Bell's Palsy. However, the symptoms didn't all fit. Bell's Palsy ONLY affects the face, and M was having trouble with the entire left side of her body. But the doctor, being stubborn, brushed off the other symptoms because they weren't that pronounced and didn't fit her diagnosis. Heaven forbid a doctor should be wrong! M was referred to a pediatrician, but around here, those are few and far between. You only see a pediatrician if you have a problem that needs monitoring and appointments are hard to get. My sis and BIL didn't get an appointment for M until the middle of June.

So last night my BIL took M to the emerg at Sick Kids. They did a CT scan, and that's when they found the mass in her brain. My sis left my nephew T with my mom and my dad took her down. My brother A was actually with my BIL giving him support.

As of yet, here's what I know. She has had a CT scan. There is a mass that appears to be on the brain stem. The neurologist said he was fairly confident it was cancerous, and that given the location, inoperable. The oncologist apparently talked to my sis and BIL for quite a while and my BIL gave my dad the impression that he seemed more hopeful than the neurologist. It's not 100% sure that it is malignant, but that's not ruled out yet. She will shortly be going for an MRI to determine more, and we won't have those results until this evening.

I am sick to my stomach with this news. I can't eat. I can't think. I can only imagine what my sister is going through.

When R was just three, we had him in Sick Kids. He had been crying with pain in his stomach for a day and a half. We had him at the hospital, and appendicitis was ruled out, and he was given an enema for constipation. Well, I knew my little boy, and he was never constipated, so I knew that wasn't the problem. However, they sent him home and said he'd be fine in a while.

He wasn't. He was crying in pain, waking up from a dead sleep crying. He had no fever, no vomitting, it wasn't a virus. So I took him back to the ER and demanded more tests. I knew there was something wrong with him. After they gave him an x-ray and ultrasound, they saw a mass in his abdomen. The doctors at our hospital had never seen anything like it, they actually had to call Sick Kids to ask about it. At that point, he was taken by ambulance in the middle of the night to Sick Kids.

So I know a little of what my sis is going through. I know that heart-stopping, gut-clenching fear. That switch in your brain that suddenly turns your emotions off and commands you to move on, because this really isn't happening to you.

That night I had to go home. DH went with R to Sick Kids, but we had an 8-month-old waiting for us at home that was still breast-feeding. I had to go home and go to bed not knowing what was happening and what would become of my precious little boy. My DH had it worse. He had to explain, over again to the doctors, the technicians, whoever, what was happening. He had to keep calm a scared and in pain little boy. He had to hold him down while they inserted tubes and needles and a naso-gastric tube that made him puke. And he had to worry alone.

R was taken to surgery the next day. The fantastic staff at Sick Kids removed a mass that had probably been growing there since he was a baby. It was benign. Fairly harmless, and something that just happens. The pain was because it was finally big enough to be putting pressure somewhere. He spent a week in the hospital, because that kind of surgery has to be monitored afterwards very carefully. They even showed us pictures of the operation the staff had taken with a digital camera. His guts were splayed out, on top of his stomach, outside of his body while they worked. It was gross, horrifying and fascinating all at the same time.

Only for a micro-second during the whole ordeal did I let my mind entertain the thought of the C-word. It was too awful to think about. But for that micro-second, I know what I felt. And to think that N is going through that right now is heart-wrenching. She is hearing that word, over and over and over again.

It's hard to imagine the world without M. I don't know how my sis and BIL will get through that, if it happens. And I'm not being negative here, or at least trying not to be, but sometimes I think we have to prepare our brains for the worst case scenario. I googled "brain tumor" a LOT this morning. I googled many variations. I learned that there are many different kinds of brain tumors. I also learned, when I typed in the location "brain stem" as well as "tumor" and "cancer", that the prognosis isn't good. Very low survival rate, very low cure rate. Basically, treatment is only to prolong the person's life, not to save it.

I'm not a religious person. I have no faith in God, Jesus, or otherwise. I have some belief that we are all part of the same entity, the same energy, that we are all connected somehow. I also believe that positive thoughts can help, which is what praying can be for some people. At times like this, since I was brought up a church-goer, my first thought is to turn to prayer. But I don't believe in praying in the traditional sense, it's just a gut reflex. I will however keep the belief that we will all get through this together. I must believe that this isn't as bad as it initially seems to be.

So I am asking you all, however you deal with these sorts of tragedies, to please keep my niece and family in your thoughts. If you pray, please pray. Both of my sisters do still have faith in God, so they will appreciate it. If you believe in sending "good vibes", please do. I do believe that positive thoughts and energy will help, however much we can get.

Blah, Blah, Blog

2011-05-12T10:18:00.000-04:00

I'm hurting for blogging ideas lately. Maybe it's because I'm having a hard time following up great blogging material like a trip to Disney, or I'm finally realizing just how boring my life has become. So I'm just going to ramble, and we'll see where that takes us.
Today was forecasted to be 23 or 24 C here, depending on which weather forecast you watched. But here it is, 10:20, and it's still quite cold out. It's actually cooler than when I took the kids to school at 8:30, when the sun was just behind a thin layer of cloud. Now it's behind a thick layer of cloud, and I feel really bad that I told my boys they were fine to wear shorts to school for the day. R has gone on a trip to another school for a track and field day. He'll be outside all day, and I really hope he brought his sweater with him.
Today I have four kids for the day. I was supposed to have six, but two of my three older girls are away, so I have the three toddlers, and one almost 6 year old girl. She is ok with playing on her own, but the oldest toddler, J(2 3/4) is making a real nuisance of himself. He's being rough, loud, and obnoxious (following in his two older brothers' footsteps) and he's driving poor S mental (and me as well!)
We were going to go to the park, or for a walk or something, but it's kind of chilly and I'm feeling like staying home now. We did already play in the backyard this morning.
Tomorrow is Friday the thirteenth. Yes, that's random, I know. Anyone superstitious out there?
This weekend DH is going up to the cottage with a few buddies from school to put the water line in and hang out. Probably do guy stuff, whatever that is. I'm glad he has friends, but it still annoys me that he's going away. He doesn't even ask me if it's ok, or for that matter, bother to tell me to my face he's going. I found out he's going because I overheard him telling his grandmother (yes, the Nan). She owns the cottage as you probably know, and spends most of the summer up there. Then she calls our house or DH's cell phone every few days asking him inane questions and complaining about stupid stuff like the tv isn't working (because she hasn't plugged it in, or the remote's batteries are dead) and asking him to quickly make a two+ hour drive up to fix it. It's VERY irritating, and after spending a week with her and seeing for myself just how deteriorated her brain function is, I REALLY don't think she should be living up there alone. One day she's going to go to bed with the stove on and burn the place down.
Anyway, everything about the cottage irritates me. I hate how we have to give up our time and money to do stuff for it, and don't even ever get to have it for ourselves. I get that in life you give a little to get a little, and to enjoy a cottage, you have to put in the work (or exorbitant amounts of money to pay someone else to do the work). But we never really get to enjoy it. Because to me, enjoying it would be being up there with just my family, without HER, or for once to be able to have friends up there enjoying it with us, or MY family. But I just can't do that to anyone else; make them put up with HER. Everyone has one or two of those people in their family, so they don't need to be subjected to them if they're not in the family. Know what I mean? Plus, for the most part, in order for us to invite up other families, we need HER bedroom.
I've been painstakingly typing away here on my iPod for a good 45 minutes, and the sun is finally starting to burn through some clouds. Of course it's too late now to go anywhere, but the kids are having fun with playdough.
So back to the weekend. DH is going away for most of the weekend, so I am stuck with the boys and all of the weekend stuff to do by myself. Grocery shopping is no fun with them as it is, as they hate shopping, so I'm not looking forward to that. L has a birthday party to go to Sat night, and swimming lessons on Sun morning. Then after that we'll be heading out to see my family. I'll visit my dad on the way to see my mom and sister N. I don't know if my sis S will be around; hopefully I'll get to see her too.
I was hoping to get some more work done on prepping my veggie garden. I'd like to get a few things started, like peas and potatoes and perhaps some herbs too. But all the soil needs to be turned over, and mixed with some bags of organic material or manure. Not a job I like to do on my own.
Well, it's nearly lunchtime, and the children need to clean up, which essentially means I clean up while they wander around the room as I try to direct them to "pick that up and put it here". So tedious.

Laundry Tips

2011-05-09T12:29:00.002-04:00

Do you know what this means??

Spring is finally here! I love that I can hang my laundry out to dry now! I love the smell of freshly air-dried laundry, it reminds me of home and childhood.

My mom always dried our laundry outside, except for in the winter of course. It saved (and still does) energy and money too. Sure, our towels were a little rougher and our jeans a little crinklier, but we grew up with that and didn't know any different.

Now I love that I am helping the environment just a little bit more, and saving my energy costs. I don't like bugs landing on my laundry, but it comes with the territory unfortunately.

If you are looking at getting an outdoor clothesline, I thought I'd give you some tips on drying your clothes outside. (Yes, I'm totally out of blogging ideas!!)

Start your laundry early in the morning. I try to have my wash finished by at the latest 10 a.m. If it's really hot in the middle of summer, this doesn't matter as much, as I've hung my laundry out at 1:00 or 2:00 and still had it dry by the end of the day.
Don't use Oxy-Clean in the laundry. One year I was throwing in a scoop-ful with each load to help get out all the stains the boys seem to always get. Once that laundry got in the sun, the colours in the clothes started to fade more and more. It wasn't until my sister pointed it out to me that I realized the culprit behind my not-so-colourful t-shirts.
If you're doing a load of whites, I find you don't need to add bleach. You can add some Oxy-Clean in then, and the sun will do the rest of the brightening for you.
I put in a little extra liquid fabric softener. It helps with the crunchiness.
Watch the forecast. If it's going to rain later in the day, get your laundry out earlier.
Shake the clothes out as you take them off the line!! Sometimes bugs hide!
If you decided to hang your wet clothes out late and leave them all night, you could end up with earwigs inside.

That's all the tips I have for you. As you can see, I have an umbrella style clothes dryer. It sits in the ground in a post-holder. I take it down every winter and store it in the garage. These types of lines can be expensive, but I've had mine for at least 8 years now, and it's still going strong. It's well worth the cost.

Disney Day 8: And Home

2011-04-29T10:06:00.000-04:00

Disney Day 8: And Home
I'm going to start off with the good here. We got up, and not needing to be at the airport until 11:30 or so, had a leisurely breakfast and then packed our bags. Then we headed to the pool for one last swim. Having showered already for the day (stupid me) I didn't want to get all wet and chlorine-y so I didn't swim. I did still enjoy the warm sun, putting my legs in and watching my boys enjoy the water. And I'm holding onto THAT memory as the memory that I will cherish for that day.
Because from that point on, the rest of the day went downhill.
We arrived at the airport rather early. We really could have spent another half hour at least at the pool, but oh well. We were so early that they weren't even checking people in yet! However, we weren't the first people in line. We were second. At one point, a helpful airport employee offered the Nan a wheelchair to sit on while we waited, and that was our undoing, I think. From then on, she became absolutely UNBEARABLE!! She started whining to me how she wanted me to tell the check-in guy that she wanted an aisle seat, even though she knew, and we reminded her, that we already had prebooked our seats. She said, "I don't care, I want an aisle seat!", just like a three year old.
Then we had time to kill. Over two hours actually. She demanded lunch. So despite the fact that none of the rest of us was ready for that and we could have waited and my boys were dying to go to the Universal Studios store as we had promised them, we went to the food court for some over-priced food. Then DH told her to stay seated, that if she gave him the money (I'm happy he made that a point!) he would go get what she wanted. So she basically yelled at him that she wanted a BLT from Quiznos and and shouted that it MUST be brown bread, with this attitude that DH was giving her some kind of hassle over it, which he wasn't. He was merely asking what she wanted. When he said "alright, calm down" she started ranting at him that she had to have brown bread, not white, because she'd been having white ALL week and she hates white!
WHAT? !
She had a couple of white bagels, and I bought those. No one told her to eat OUR food! She could easily have picked up her own brown bagels when she shopped for her stupid slippers. I normally have brown everything too, but R likes these everything bagels, which at home we get in white but with whole grains (does that make sense? The new style of "white" bread). We couldn't find those in Florida, just everything bagels that were white. But oh well, we were on vacation. We did buy WW pasta and WW bread too. We also bought cinnamon raisin bread which was also white, but again, no one shoved that down her throat! (Although that did make for a nice fantasy)
Anyhow, at that point DH's patience ran out. He started to yell back at her, telling her it's not his fault, regardless that it wasn't true! Then she yelled at him not to yell at her, and then....well, you get the picture. She stormed off to buy her own food (well look at that, her legs DO still work!) and the boys started crying. They'd never really seen DH yell at anyone other than me. I tried to calm the situation by explaining that everyone has fights, just like they do, but it doesn't mean anything bad. It was just too intense for them I guess.
After lunch, we headed for the shopping area, which has stores from all the theme parks like Sea World, Universal, The Space Centre, and of course, Disney. The boys each bought a wand from the Harry Potter section. L got Dumedore's and R got Voldemort's. We went over to the Disney store to look at the pins, and I found the tshirts I had wanted to get them in Disney but didn't have their size at the time.
After that, it was wait, wait, wait. One thing about having a person in a wheelchair: you don't have to wait in long line ups. We noticed this at Disney too. So we pretty much by-passed the whole huge line up at security and went through the side wheelchair access.
Thankfully on the plane, we were separated from HER and we had a pleasant flight. L passed out for about an hour almost as soon as we took off.
After we landed, and as we were passing her still sitting there on the plane, she said she'd meet us down there. Whatever. I guess she was waiting for assistance. Not that she really needed it, I mean for gods sake, she walked around all of Disney for three days straight! I'm sure she could manage to walk through the ramp to customs. So we went ahead and got through customs and waited at the luggage carousel. And waited.
And waited.
And all our luggage came and we still waited.
And every single other passenger from that plane got off and came through customs and got their luggage and we still waited.
And the carousel was emptied and filling up with a different airplane's luggage and we still waited.
DH couldn't go back through customs to find her, so we were stuck waiting. We had her suitcase too. DH went to get some sort of employee to find her, and I phoned my poor dad who was waiting to pick us up.
Finally, she was found. When I asked what happened, I was FUMING!! I expected that she had gotten lost, or for some reason they had pulled her aside for a pat-down or strip-search (ok I secretly hoped that was the reason, I'm bad). But the real reason we had been waiting for so long??
Get this, and please excuse the swearing but it's warranted.
SHE WOULDN'T GET OFF HER FUCKING ASS AND MOVE HERSELF TO FIND US!!
Apparently, they wheeled her off the plane, along with a few others, and parked them off to the side. All she had to do was get up and go through customs on her own two feet! It was right there!! But instead, she sat there, waiting for someone to come get her and keeping us waiting too!!
O
M
G
!!!
I was so angry. I still am a bit. Even the boys were angry. They just wanted to go home. By the time she was finally wheeled through, R said to me he didn't even feel like saying goodbye or thanking her, even though he knew he should.
I tell you, when we finally walked out, I have never been so glad to see my MIL in my whole life. I don't know how she stands living with her!
The Nan wanted hugs from the boys of course, and typical of R, who has never been much of a hugger on the best of terms, he didn't really give her one. It was sort of a sideways lean-in, barely touching sort of hug. Of course she got all offended and DH made it worse by telling her that he didn't want her cold. She of course denied having a cold, saying it was an allergy in to something in Florida. Whatever lady, you've only been coughing all over everything (ever heard of covering your mouth?) and sneezing and blowing your nose for the past week. She even said earlier in the week that she had a cold.
Anyway, that wasn't the true reason R wouldn't hug her, it was because he was annoyed with her. And it bothers her that I've never pushed my kids to give hugs and kisses to others when it's expected. I try to encourage them to, but I won't force it. I just don't believe in it. You should give affection if you feel it, not because it's expected.
So we parted on unhappy terms. She left not saying goodbye, and that's that. Childish.
The other person I was so happy to see shortly after was my dad! He felt like my savior! He showed up with our truck, complete with full gastank, two Timmies, and Timbits and drinks for the boys. What a fantastic welcome home!!

Sent from my iPod

Disney Day 7

2011-04-28T22:07:00.000-04:00

Disney Day 7
Last full day today, sigh.
I've developed some kind of weird rash on my legs. I've never had anything like it. A few days ago, I had a rash on my feet and mainly my ankles that was covered by my socks. I had worn new socks that day that hadn't been prewashed, so I figured that was the problem. I'm not the type of person to develop skin reactions like that though. I've never had hives in my life, although mosquito bites aplenty! Now I have all these red bumps that look like a ton of mosquito bites on the tops of my thighs and spreading down my legs somewhat. The weird thing (or good thing I guess) is that they're not itchy at all or sore. They're just there. So odd. All I can figure is maybe a reaction to the sun, if that's possible, or sunscreen. I have used this sunscreen brand many times before and never had a problem with it, and I thought I would have a reaction in just more places than my legs.
Hm.
Anyhow, back to Disney. Today was our final Disney day. Tomorrow, it's packing, breakfast, maybe a quick swim and we're off home. :(
I'm sad to be leaving the nice climate and the vacation feeling, but I'm ready to go home. I'm ready to go back to my own house, my own bed, my own mess and yes, the guinea pigs. I'm especially ready to get away from her. And I'm sure she's had enough of us too.
Today was tough. It started last night with the Nan telling us she wasn't coming today. Ok, fine by me. I set my alarm for 6 with intentions of us going out to a Waffle House for breakfast and then to Epcot. I read that it was the most walking, the biggest park and and to get there early if you could. I even made our lunches/snacks the night before.
So at around 7 SHE decides she's coming. Ugh. Which meant waiting around while she got ready.
Then off to breakfast we went. DH wanted to hit a Waffle House, just 'cause, and it was nothing great. Just a typical greasy spoon really. The waffles really weren't all that great; I like DH's much better. But I got to try some grits, which were nothing special either. Guess you have to have grown up with them to appreciate them. It's a southern thing.
The Nan, however, could only complain about the service (which was more than adequate really considering the waitresses are probably barely paid) and the fact that the strawberries weren't fresh on top of the waffle. GRRRRRRR. Again, WE paid for the meal. No thanks from HER. I think that makes one meal so far she's paid for. That's it.
And then we were off to Epcot. Another $14 parking for the day (let's see, that makes six days of parking we've paid for) but we finally got in a close lot. Despite my later than expected start, we still arrived in plenty of time for the opening. We convinced her to get a wheelchair this time (which was a blessing and a curse all at once) and again, DH paid. See a pattern here?? Sorry, I'm whining again.
We did quite a few rides in Epcot and beat alot of the crowds too thanks to careful planning. We all loved one ride called Test Track. It centers around testing cars for safety, durability, stability, etc. You get in a "car" and your car is put through a series of tests with the best one being high-speed cornering. The boys requested that we do that one again, so that was the last ride at Disney that we did. We also enjoyed Spaceship Earth, a slow moving ride about, well, the Earth (everything at Epcot is for learning experiences, it's like a suped up version of the Science Centre, only with rides and the magic of Disney, so, better!) We went on a movie ride starring Ellen Degeneres, and a few boat-type rides, and of course we walked around the world section with all the country pavilions. It also happened to be some sort of garden/flower festival too, so all the gardens and flowers were in bloom, with many butterflies, and cool Disney character topiaries. I will try and post some Disney pics soon, so look for a pictorial post soon.
As the day progressed, DH got more and more irritated with the Nan. I can't say that I blamed him. It seemed like as soon as she sat down in that wheelchair, she became an invalid. It was as if she couldn't walk anymore, like the first few days of all that walking around MK and such never happened! She started ordering DH around, telling him where to go and how to get there. By the end of the day, he was ready to push her into the lake in the middle of the park.
We left around 6:30, opting not to stay and pay for an expensive dinner or watch the fireworks show. L was dying for a swim, and I concurred. It was the hottest day so far, over 90 degrees! On the way home, we all discussed dinner. The options were to go out, which the kids didn't want and quite frankly neither did I, or to find food in our kitchen, which would be hard but not impossible, or get take-out. The Nan said she was fine with some soup she had purchased (yeah, the one and only food item she did buy, ok, not the only, but pretty much) and some toast. We decided to go for a swim, then make/pick up something. After getting back and changing into our suits, the Nan asked DH if we were ready to go. Um, to where? The pool?
She then got all mad at him and huffed and puffed because for some reason she thought we were going out to dinner, when she had only just said that she was fine having her soup and toast! The argument ended with her saying childishly and condescendingly that she "was going to buy us dinner but that's gone now!".
Really? Because somehow I think that was never going to happen, and can you blame me for not believing that tripe? Why do old people act like infants so often?
We then left for the pool, and avoided her for the rest of the night. The boys and DH and I all had a great time cooling off and then having a late dinner of pizza and salad. We were sad to be having to say goodbye to Florida the next day, but glad to be saying goodbye to Nan.

Sent from my iPod

Disney Day 5/6

2011-04-26T16:52:00.000-04:00

Disney Day 5/6
Currently I am poolside, enjoying the free wireless (which is how I could finally email in my recent blogs I've been writing on my iPod), the water, the heat, and watching my children run around trying to kill these annoying bugs. They are everywhere right now. Apparently they are called lovebugs. They are black and they fly around attached to each other mating. They don't bite, but they are annoying because they fly around you and land on you. Better than mosquitos though.
We've seen quite a bit of local wildlife, but no gators! I did see a wild armadillo though, walking around a field by the road so that was cool.
Yesterday, the Nan decided to stay home for the day due to her cold, which was fantastic! We went back for round two of the Magic Kingdom. We did the haunted house again, Pirates of the Carribean, the Swiss Family Treehouse, Jungle Cruise, and a few other things over again. We left around 3:45 to go back to get ready for dinner. Dinner was at Mikado, a Japanese restaurant where they cook at your table. L loved it as the food (seafood) was right up his alley. R was unimpressed. We've been to a couple of similar restaurants in Canada, so they've seen the routine before.
After dinner we returned to the MK to ride Peter Pan. The boys wanted to go to the haunted house again, which made a total of three times, and R and DH went on the Rocky Mountain railroad (a sort of rollercoaster) again which made that one three times as well. We also did Pirates again (my favourite) and saw the Electric Lights parade. It was again midnight by the time we got back.
Today we were having a day off from the parks so we were hoping the boys (and we) would sleep in. Not so much. The nan decided to emptying the effing dishwasher at 7:45 in the goddamn morning, making as much noise as possible clanking and banging dishes around. Of course this woke my light sleepers. I was quite annoyed. It could have waited!! But she doesn't think that way...she doesn't think at all sometimes. The other day I had to stop her from making DH sick witha contaminated peanut butter knife. She was making a peanut butter and cheese sandwich (ew, barf!!) and started to slice the cheese with the knife she used to spread peanut butter with. I stopped her, telling her not to use that knife, and she questioned me why. For gods sake, it's HER grandson that she lived with for many years!! Her brain is going.
Anyhow, today we went back to Downtown Disney to do some shopping, then back for some lunch, and a swim. We are cooking here today, so that kind of sucks :(
Tomorrow: Epcot and final Disney day. Boo!

Sent from my iPod

Disney Day 4

2011-04-26T16:24:00.000-04:00

Disney Day 4
At 6:30 this morning DH woke me. And then I panicked. My alarm I set for 6:00 never went off because I hadn't realized (or more likely was too tired to notice) that it was set for WEEKDAYS. Today is Sunday. Easter Sunday in fact. So we had to blast through getting ready and rush off to the Polynesian Resort for breakfast with Lilo, Stitch, Mickey and Pluto. It was a blast! The boys loved every minute of it and L is now right into getting autographs from all the characters. They even participated in the parade they had around the restaurant. That resort is fabulous! I'd love to stay there one day.
When I win the lottery, of course.
After WE paid the $100+ bill (she actually offered after DH already had his card out, but he told her to get the next one the idiot!), we were off to Animal Kingdom. Yes, change of plans from yesterday.
The AK is definitely one I'd like to go back to again. We started off with The Lion King show, which was fantastic! They had these five huge floats basically, that came into the room: one in the middle with a trampoline on it as well as bars, trapeezes and rings, and the four surrounding had one each of Simba, an elephant, a giraffe, and Pumba, the warthog. They were all animatronic of course. The people also had fantastic costumes, and there were monkey acrobats that did a routine on the middle one. There was singing and audience participation of course. So good!
If you aren't familiar with AK, they have this huge enormous man-made tree in the centre of the park called the Tree of Life. It has all these carvings of all kinds of animals in the "bark".
We loved also the Jungle Safari ride which takes you on a very realistic tour complete with live animals and fake mud ruts in the pathway. Unfortunately, we didn't get to see the Expedition Everest ride, as someone's feet were sore, and it was too hot, and she was getting a cold, and waaah, waaah wah. I'm mean, I know, but I've never been there and I wanted my money's worth! And apparently it's one of the best rides. Oh, well, like DH says, we need to leave stuff to see "next time". Like in about ten years I'm sure.

Sent from my iPod

Disney: Day 3

2011-04-26T16:20:00.000-04:00

Disney: Day 3

Today we decided to take it somewhat easier. With such a late night last night, we wanted the boys to get as much sleep as possible, and also we wanted them in bed at a decent hour as tomorrow we have to get up early to go have breakfast with Stitch. After then we'll be heading back to the Magic Kingdom to finish the stuff we missed and round two of things we loved.
So today we decided on going to Hollywood Studios. Since there were a bunch of things we thought we wouldn't be terribly interested in, or two wimpy to go on (like the Tower of Terror) we thought we'd get the park done in a short amount of time. We pretty much did, but we missed out on the Toy Story attraction, as it as a 70 minute wait with no fast passes left.
We headed back to the condo at that point. All our feet were sore and I was seriously getting tired of the Nan. But I'll get back to that.
The boys really enjoyed the stunt shows, like Indiana Jones, and another one involving car chases. They also got a real kick out of the Honey I Shrunk The Kids play area. The best part for me was watching them in the Star Wars Padawan Jedi Training Academy. R was right into it, and I got some great video. Afterwards, we hit the gift shop and the boys each purchased a build-your-own lightsaber. I got my first, and likely only souvenir, a small stuffed ewok fridge magnet.
So back to the Nan. Despite the fact that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity, I will just say that I will never again accept a "free" trip from her. You all (or as they are fond of saying down here in the south, y'all) know how I've fretted and stressed over the expense and money for this trip. And despite all the assurances from DH, my worries are coming to fruition. The first night we were here, in the T-Rex restaurant, she asked the waitress for a separate bill! DH and I were privately shocked (but actually not too surprised after all), as she had promised to pay for food. While I hadn't expected her to pay for lunches or snacks, we did figure that at least while we were sitting down to eat that she'd offer to foot the bill. So that was my first realization. Second came when later that night after the boys were in bed and DH and I went shopping, we had to pay for groceries that we were ALL sharing. I've also ended up cooking dinner for her once, and making her the lunch we took day two.
Now comes my biggest shock and also a bit of a panic. I'm trying not to dwell on it right now, but once the credit card bill comes in, I'll be crying I know. DH purchased all the Disney passes on our credit card, because it was up to us how we wanted to do things, like where to go, how many days and so on. So we picked five five-day passes. It worked out to just over $1200! Yes, Disney ain't cheap. She had been asking DH about how much it was so she could reimburse us. DH gave her the receipt this evening as I was at the stove cooking. When I heard her say to DH that she would give him half and would that be alright, I swear I nearly dropped the glass jar of spaghetti sauce on the floor!
WHAT???!!!
We came on this trip because she told us she was going to pay for EVERYTHING!! Flight, hotel, tickets and food. I know this sounds selfish and ungrateful, but we really wouldn't have come had we known this trip would cost us so much. We really can't afford it. But here we are now, so I must put it out of my mind. I'm just a little pissed off. And it makes me want to ditch her even more. I'm very tired of waiting for her, because she's so slow and old and refuses thus far to get a wheelchair. I'm tired of having to curb my boys' (and my) eagerness to get to the next fun attraction because we have to wait for her. I'm tired of hearing her complain about her feet, back, hip, head, the heat, whatever, and smiling and trying to look sympathetic. I'm sorry. I know she's ancient, I mean elderly. I realize one day I will be too. And so far I've tried to constantly remind myself that we wouldn't be here if it weren't for her and to be nice. But now that I know I'm footing my own bill somewhat, it makes me want to get more of my money's worth! If I'm paying, I don't want to be held back and slowed down. I want to forge ahead and go at OUR pace, not hers.
And having her around is worse than taking a toddler to the park. Because with a toddler you can put them in a stroller, and tell them to stop whining, and ply them with treats and snacks. With her, she wanders off, butts in line, talks to and yells at strange children, and practically stamps her foot when she wants her own way. Do you know we had to take her to Walmart because she insisted? She wanted to buy new slippers! Who the F needs slippers in this god damn heat?? I was surprised they actually sold them, and at this time of year too.
((Deep breaths....in.....and out....))
Day 4, here we come.
God give me strength, as my mother would always say.

Sent from my iPod

Disney: Day Two

2011-04-26T16:19:00.001-04:00

Disney: Day Two
What a busy day! I'm lying in bed awake this morning while the rest of the household sleeps. I don't know why I'm awake first, as I'm usually the best at sleeping in and the last to grudgingly wake up and get out of bed. I'm starving though, but I don't want to get breakfast as I'm loathe to do anything that'll wake the boys. We were out so late last night. It was after midnight by the time their little heads hit the pillows! But we had such a great time yesterday at the Magic Kingdom! Poor L was so tired that he fell asleep on DH on the tram ride back to the parking lot.
We did so many wonderful things and we haven't even finished the Magic Kingdom yet! We got totally soaked on Splash Mountain, which L hated and cried on after the final big drop, so now we know his limit for roller coaster type rides. Kind of glad now that Space Mountain was broken down, as we were almost on that one with him. I think he would have freaked out! I remember as a kid being really scared on it as my dad forced me and my sister N to go on with him.
I can't begin to tell you all the stuff that we did, so I'll tell you the favorites. The Haunted Mansion was definitely one of them, a ride that had to do with the character Stitch, the Laugh Floor by Monsters Inc., Mickey's Philharmagic, and for me, I loved the fireworks we saw at 10:00. We did take a break in the day to come back to the condo for a swim and supper, and it gave our feet a rest.
I'm loving that the boys have their own spending money. It's helping to teach them to spend more wisely, and they aren't asking me for everything they see!! No whining!! It also has really helped me to stop buying them everything I see, LOL!
So far, L has bought a Lego set from the big Lego store, a stuffed dino from T-Rex, a stuffed Stitch and a lanyard and two pins to go on it. He has a harder time not spending but he's doing very well for himself, I think. He considers more when he sees the prices if he really wants that or not, and he did choose the smaller, cheaper Stitch over the bigger one R bought.
R has purchased the Stitch, a set of three build-it-yourself Lego men, a geode you smash open to get crystals and that's it I believe. L also bought the geode.
We're not sure what park we're off to today, as we don't want another late night. We're off to a breakfast with some characters tomorrow morning, including Stitch, and we have to be there for 7:30 (yikes!) so definitely no late night!

Sent from my iPod