Mar 9

Aaaaaannnnnnd....we're back.
To the same stuff, that is. The difficult bedtime, the sobbing and crying, the expressions of hatred, and the note-writing. I've yet to see what the note says, but I think DH is in there now talking to him (or the blanket more likely).
It's because he's tired, for one thing. Two nights in a row of really late bedtimes aren't conducive to a happy L. Last night, we went to a Toronto Rock game, which is professional lacrosse. We didn't get to bed until after midnight. And last night I let him go to bed without brushing his teeth, because he was so tired.
Tonight, we're late again since we went to my inlaws for dinner and then stopped for frozen yogurt on the way home at a specialty store that we don't have near where we live. L fell asleep in the car, and was sooooo grumpy when we had to get out and go to bed. The trouble started when I was brushing my teeth, and DH told L to go brush his, when L was already in his bed. Now, here's where I see one of those pick-your-battle things. I wouldn't have made him, just to avoid the fight, but DH did, and I had to back him up. So L stomped finally into the bathroom and shut and locked the door, and then wouldn't do anything else, shrugging me off when I tried to talk to him and say goodnight. DH finally went in there and scolded him for not listening, having to be asked MANY times to do it, and for being grumpy with me for no reason. He did brush his teeth then, and went to bed. DH followed, talking to him about listening and such, but L was sobbing a few minutes later.
Then I went into his bedroom, and talked to him. He said awful things, like, "I hate daddy," and, "he's an awful father". I know it's fatigue and anger talking, but that's so hurtful. He says daddy doesn't love him, and wishes he wasn't his dad.
Now, I have to remember how I said the same things to my own parents, my mother mostly. I think I was more of a teen at the time, and I'm not sure if I ever said them to her face, or if I just thought them or wrote them in my diary. I remember feeling those same things, so it comforts me somewhat to know that he is only in the moment, and he likely won't feel that way in the morning, after some sleep.
I hope so at least.
After he stopped crying, I told him goodnight, among other stuff like how much he's loved by us both, and he picked up pen and paper.
Uh-oh, I thought. Here comes the note. What's it going to say now?
Well, ten minutes later, he delivered the note to us, folded into a paper airplane and he had a small, almost shy, smile on his face. The note was mainly a drawing, with labels. It was stick figures of the four of us. L was being shot by DH, who was firing a gun at him, smiling. R and I are standing behind DH with smiles as well saying, "Yay".
I can't even begin to describe how this makes me feel. Many things.
Shocked.
Sickened.
Confused.
Sad.
Annoyed, even.
I don't understand it really. I don't know what it means. Does it mean he feels like he should be shot? Or that he thinks we'd be happy to see DH shoot him? Or that he thinks DH wants him dead? It's confusing.
And DH and I don't know what to do here. We are leaving it for now. To be honest, we're both too tired to deal with it anymore tonight. And L needs to go to sleep too, no more prolonged talks or crying sessions. But we don't know if it's the right thing to do. Should we go back in and question him? Or let him know how this makes us feel? And why was he smiling when he delivered it?
I do know one thing: I'm going to figure out with him tomorrow another incentive reward.