Another Dilemma

***WARNING: THIS IS AN EPIC POST! ONLY READ IF YOU HAVE TIME.***

Last week was not a good week. There were a bunch of things that happened, one of them being that we found out that we can't actually take a trip that we were so hoping to take. Regardless, that's not the part of the bad week I was going to write about. Just something that added to it.

I look after a bunch of kids, as you know, and there is one child in particular that has been a bee in my bonnet (or wasp in my pant leg, since this IS the new millenium and as I'm not Amish I do not wear a bonnet!) We'll call him X. X has been with me since he was almost three. He is now 9. Ever since L could move independently, he and X have clashed. X has "had it in for him" for his entire life. Almost like it's been his personal life's goal to make L's life as miserable as he can. He teases him, fights and argues with him, provokes and taunts him, and just generally does everything within that vague circle of allowable limits that he can do to pester him. And there's the odd time that he gets physical with him too.

At first, in the early years, I chalked it up to #1) immaturity on X's part, and #2) jealousy felt on X's part at having to share my other son R. I always thought that he didn't like that R loved L more than him, or something like that. I also always tried to be objective; to hide that mother bear instinct to immediately rage at and throttle anyone who dared to make my child cry. I tried to see L as another kid I cared for, without special treatment and to allow him to find his own way through it. I tried to give him his own chances to stand up to X or to find acceptable coping strategies and conflict resolution. I've never wanted to say, "It's all his fault" (X's), because I fully realize that it takes two to argue or fight.

I had hoped that X would grow out of it eventually. I mean, every kid has to grow up and mature at some point right? I see it in many of R's friends, and R himself. They are growing past the petty fighting and bickering. They are all starting to be able to see beyond themselves and to look at the "big picture". They can put themselves in another's point of view without having to be reminded to do so. They are starting to see when to let things go, and what's worth fighting over and what's not. As a side note, I am LOVING this age! Nine is wonderful! R is (mostly) compliant, helpful and generally a joy to be around. But apparently that doesn't apply to all nine-year-olds.

So here it what happened last week. It was a beautiful afternoon, and I had quite a few children under my care after school. A 15-month-old, a 26-month-old, one 4-yr-old, three 5-year-olds, my own two (6.5 and 9) and X. To say I was a little taxed in my patience is being generous. It started off by L, X and the 4 and a 5 year old making some sort of obstacle course involving the slide, and several pieces of equipment in my backyard. Well, actually it was L who was making it, the others were watching. L was getting frustrated as the 26 mos old kept trying to steal away some of the obstacles, so he was already ramped up. I was being run off my feet, as usual, getting snack, sorting fights, and looking after the youngest. My patience was also rather short due to a severe depletion from having my newest little one visit that morning (she cried and cried if that says anything, poor thing.) When L had finally completed his course, he claimed he would be the first to try. Fair enough. The one who made it should be the one to try first. Laws of the playground. The 4 and 5 year olds (brothers incidentally) agreed and were waiting patiently for their turn. X however, decided that he was going to go first no matter what. It didn't matter that L was screaming at him "NO!" or even that the brothers were also telling him to wait. It didn't matter that L was climbing up the slide (the starting point of the course) effectively blocking X from going down and beginning. It didn't matter that L was extremely upset, in tears even because he knows X so well and knew that he would do his darndest to get what he wanted. I don't even know what the attraction was for him. It wasn't even challenging to a much taller 9-year-old. But the fact that it was of no great feat to "beat" this obstacle course, or that he was playing with children much younger than him instead of seeking out R didn't make a damn bit of difference to X. He was going to go no matter what, and go he did. He hopped around L and completed the course in less than two seconds, cheering as if he'd won a gold medal at the Olympics while L screamed at him and the brothers shouted that he was being annoying and unfair. At that point, they refused to "play" with him, which you'd think would be enough of a lesson (peer pressure can be powerful!) but not for X. He continued to be his obnoxious self and tried to be as intrusive and annoying as possible, hopping through the course as the others were trying to complete it and just genterally getting in the way.

And what did I do during all this, you may ask? Nothing, aside from a few verbal warnings to X to quit it. And herein lies part of my dilemma. I've always felt and run my daycare by being an observer. I have always tried not to jump in and solve the children's problems for them. I think they need to learn how to deal with them on their own. So if there is fighting, but no one is being hurt, I don't usually jump in. Part of that is also that I can't stand the whining and tattling, so I ignore it as best I can. I guess I shut down a little too much.

I'm sure the mothers out there are going, why didn't you stick up for your son, and help him? Put X in time-out or something? And the answer is in a few parts. Part one, see above. Part two, I'm soooooooo tired of it! I'm so sick of the fighting between these two that I just don't want to hear it anymore. I don't want to deal with it, so I don't. I know, it's selfish of me, and mean, and last week I would have said I didn't care anymore but this week I'm seeing a new light and I've learnt my lesson. I'm getting to that part. And part three is that I just don't know how to punish a 9 year old. Time outs are for toddlers; for children that have not yet learned to control their tempers, like my 26-month-old. I rarely have to punish any of the other kids EVER, so I must be doing something right, right? I have no authority to take away cherished possessions or privileges, which is how I punish my own children. The privileges at daycare are limited. They don't have computer time, tv time or video game time in general (occasionally but not often enough for it to make a difference to take it away). So how do I punish him, other than telling his parents and leaving it up to them? Which is fairly ineffective, as I've seen.

But I must get on with this story. That's right, my friends, it's not over yet! The climax is yet to come. And then I will reveal my true dilemma.

At some point, the fighting was forgotten (as it seems to go with boys) and the four were somewhat playing together again. This time it was my ever-hated-least-favourite game of all that they play, sword fighting. Or some sort of weapon. They gather up all the plastic sporting equipment (bats, golf clubs, lacrosse sticks, etc.) and run around the yard using the two play structures as "bases" and the sporting equipment as weapons. This is why I hate looking after boys. They are so violent all the time. I fought against this sort of play for so long. I became tired of the fight. A part of me realized that it's genetically ingrained in boys to play this way, to work through their long buried hunting instincts by playing aggressively. There needed to be some outlets, such as this game, or the real fighting escalates and they start wrestling, which I hate EVEN MORE!

So now, I let them. But at some point during the game, as I was talking to one of the moms of the sweet little girls I look after, L hurled or either his hand slipped off one of his "weapons" and of course landed on X. X immediately began to cry like a baby because of course he should, I mean he's ONLY nine, right? The crying was extremely forced and whiny, which I can't stand so I mostly ignored him. My standard statement is, "If you guys are going to play that game, someone ALWAYS gets hurt, you know that, so I've told you don't cry to me about it! If you don't want to get hurt, don't play that game!!" The mom just chuckled and we continued our conversation. I'm not sure how the fight began, but the next thing I knew, L was attacking X by running at him. X defended himself and then proceeded to attack L. The mom alerted me to this fact and I, like the amazing childcare giver that I am, calmly walked over there, got down to their level and gently told them to stop screamed at them to stop from where I was. Of course my screeching was duly ignored and the fight continued. At this point my brain was weighing the odds. I was soooo tired. Sooo tired that day. I had used up my patience long ago. I couldn't deal with this. I should have. I really should have. But that other part of my brain said, they're boys, sometimes boys need to fight. Stupid, eh? Really stupid. Because my stupid brain didn't remember to clue me in to the fact that maybe boys the SAME SIZE need to fight, but definitely not when one is much larger than the other! What ended up happening, was that at some point when L was trying to retaliate, X put his knee up into L's face. L screamed in pain and came to me, to which I gave the standard reply like the horrible uncaring person I am. Then the mom pointed out that he was, gasp, bleeding!



OMG. I am the worst mother in the world for letting this happen.



I immediately bid her goodbye, grabbed L and the baby and made for inside, telling X to sit his butt down on the deck and not move from that spot until his mother arrived. L's nose had been badly bumped by X's knee and was bleeding. I didn't want to apply pressure, because I was scared it was broken. So I put a kleenex under it, and a bag of frozen corn niblets over it, and made L sit there for 20 mins like that while I obsessed that my child would be damaged for life and it was ALL MY FAULT!



When X's mother finally arrived to pick him and his sister up, L didn't hesitate to let her know just what her son had done. I elaborated, explaining generally how the afternoon had gone and that they had ended up in a physical fight. I downplayed the fact that it was all X's fault, and allowed that some of it was L's fault too. I never want to be one of those parents who thinks that their child can do no wrong. I also never want to make anyone else feel like they're a bad parent either. I can't imagine arriving at daycare or the school to pick up my kid and being told that they alone had caused and instigated a fight, that essentially they were an evil little shit-disturber! Dealing with this sort of thing (telling parents about the bad stuff their kids did) is one of the worst parts of this job, mostly because I put myself in their shoes too much.



X's mother asked me, "Did you punish him?" Ummmmm....not sure how you want me to do that? Any ideas lady? I sat him on the deck, which is where he thankfully stayed, but that's about it.



So now my dilemma. I have debated for years about what to do with this child. My sister N has told me several times to "fire" him. But it's more complicated than that. Firstly, it's difficult for me to say, "I'm sorry, your child has no place in this daycare anymore due to his behaviour." Part of it would be sort of like admitting defeat, telling everyone that I can't handle the children the way I should be able to. Plus I would hate to be on the receiving end of that statement, so I can't do that to someone. Secondly, he has a younger sister who is great to look after, is very good friends with two of the other children, and would surely follow him to whatever new daycare his family found. Thirdly, his family has been with me for 6 years now, so how do I now, after all this time, say that's it? Why didn't I say something sooner? Fourthly, if he goes, I lose income and have to replace that income for not only him, but also his sister. And lastly, since I have known his family for so long, it would be so awkward. His mom is not exactly a friend, per se, but we have had many friendly conversations and "bitch" sessions, as well as I've been over to her house for tea a few times and I've used her out of desperation for my own babysitting needs or tight spots I've got in from time to time with the daycare. (I don't mean financially I just mean not being able to pick up her kids, my kids or whatever).



She emailed me today, telling me she had been thinking about it a lot, and didn't know what to do and did I have any ideas or thoughts?? Of course I do, but how do I express them without hurting her feelings? How do I tell her that she better straighten her son out today, or that's it? Oh, and by the way, leave little x here. We like her just fine. Part of me wonders if she herself has been looking for an out. Maybe she found cheaper daycare, or can find cheaper daycare and is looking to me to tell her to go, saving her the trouble of firing me. Or maybe she doesn't like me anymore. Who knows?



What I do know is this. Part of this is my fault. I should never have stood by and let them "fight it out". I am damn lucky (and so is L) that L's nose wasn't broken. At least I'm pretty sure it wasn't. I will be vigilant from this day forward to immediately jump in and break up any sort of argument or fight between the two of them. And I won't hesitate to let X know he is treading on VERY thin ice.



Your thoughts? Please?

The Guilt Complex

Why is it that ever since I became a woman, I feel guilt ALL the time? Is it like some sort of pre-requisite for being a woman or what? Men don't seem to suffer from this complex as much, or at least they don't show or voice it.

Take for example, tonight. I was putting R to bed, and as is the routine I was reading to him. Yes, he's nine now and can read to himself, but we both enjoy it and it's a nice end to the day (we do the same with L, DH and I switch back and forth between the two when we can). The usual lights-out time we aim for is 8:00, give or take a few. I was anxious tonight to watch House, one of my favourite shows. So I was trying to get it all done before then, but at the point that I said goodnight, R complained vehemently. We hadn't actually finished a chapter, and when I said I wanted to watch my show, he looked at me with glassy eyes and said that it made him feel bad.

GOD! The guilt! That I would put my own selfish needs to watch a show before him...So of course I stayed, read more of the book and missed my show. Oh well.

Then there's Mother Guilt. And I'm not talking about the same mother guilt as above, the kind when you feel guilty for every action you take in regards to your children because you feel like you're f*ing up their lives royally and feel bad for it. I'm talking about Mother Induced Guilt - my OWN mother. I'm not sure how I end up feeling guilty about the things that are wrong in her life, but I do. I guess it's because she's done so much for me in my life (raising me, taking care of me, feeding me, clothing me, giving up things to buy me stuff, being there when my own kids were born, you know, small stuff like that!) and I'm not there for her when she needs someone. It's not really possible most of the time, due to the (geographical) distance between us and time constraints. But this coming weekend I have chosen to spend my birthday weekend with the boys at their Scouting camp (DH is going too as he is a Beaver leader, and the parents are allowed to come for Beavers) instead of going to my mother's as she suggested. This decision was made partly because I still want to spend my birthday with my boys (as much as I don't wish to celebrate turning 37), we wanted to go camping this summer but never got to, and another friend/mom who said, "Awwww, come on, it'll be fun!!" Yeah, sure, spending a night in a cabin with 50 other people and one (?) washroom sounds like a disaster waiting to happen blast.

So I feel guilty about that. That once again I'm not going over to see my mom. Here's the funny thing - She has one Friday a month off. That Friday happens to fall this week (tomorrow). My birthday is Sat. She had said she was going to come see me on the weekend for my birthday, however since I've chosen to go to the camp, she obviously won't. Then I asked her about her off Friday. I asked her when it was, and she confessed that it was this week. I asked her if she would come over then, but she has to take the car in, and then she is going out to celebrate a friend's 70th birthday. So why am I feeling badly about not seeing her when A - it's my birthday and B - she's choosing to celebrate a friend's birthday over mine? Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter about that, really, I'm not. I'm happy she has friends, and I know she really needs those relationships. Plus I am still harbouring guilt (again with the guilt) about not going to see her on her birthday this year due to a cotttage trip, so I kind of feel like I deserve it. But I just wish I could stop feeling guilty about it!!

Let's not even get started about the other kinds of guilt I feel. Guilt for having a crappy looking garden in the front of my house that doesn't look even close to as nice as anyone else on my street, guilt for throwing out things in the garbage occasionally that should have been separated for recycling, guilt for using non-environmentally friendly cleaning products, guilt for not taking my kids to the dentist, guilt for not taking them to (take your pick here), guilt for not paying more attention to the dog when he was around, guilt for not donating enough to charities, guilt for not being able to go on field trips or volunteer in the classrooms etc, etc, etc.

I once read a book about motherhood and the pressures that mothers feel in this day and age as compared to say, the 50's. It had a lot of info about guilt. It said that we need to rephrase in our heads anytime we feel guilt for things. For example, when you think, "I feel so guilty for dropping him off at school upset," you simply rephrase "I regret dropping him off at school upset" and if it makes sense to you phrasing it that way, then you take steps to change that. If not, stop the guilt and accept it for what it is. Guess I need to remember that.

My Secret Addiction

Ok, maybe I wouldn't call it an addiction, exactly. It's not like I can't stop, or that it's taking over my life or anything. But I do love it. It's so much fun.

Online shopping.

I spend hours perusing websites, dreaming about this product or that, adding things to my shopping bag and mostly never buying them.

I guess in that case it makes it a rather harmless hobby. But I worry that my frequency of pushing that purchase button is becoming, well, more frequent.

I recently had to purchase a uniform for R, who has this year finally decided to join Cub Scouts. Man oh man was I happy about that, as a part of me loves nothing more than seeing my children in uniform. What is with that? I don't know what it is, the conformity, the "matchy-matchy-ness" or just how darned cute they all look, but I love uniforms. I wish my kids went to school where they had to wear a uniform.

But I'm getting off topic.

So I had to go on the Scouting website to purchase the necessary items, which led me to perusing the not-so-necessary items. I ended up adding quite a few extras, like the travel mugs, the extra patches to sew on to their newly purchased blankets (for around the campfire), some zipper pulls, and a little stuffed beaver (for L) and a wolf cub (for R) on a key chain for their backpacks.

You see? I'm so bad.

But I do love that lovely package when it comes! The best ones are the ones that come straight to the door, but I'm good with the ones that come to the oversize mailbox (when they put that key in your regular mailbox, it's so thrilling!) or the ones that I have to go pick up at the postal outlet. Opening it up is like Christmas. Seeing all the things you purchased in reality, and not having to drag whining kids to the mall! Such a bonus!

I frequently look at my other favourite websites, Lands End.com and L.L.Bean.com. I also love Chapters.ca and Toys R Us. I often add things to a shopping bag, just to see how much it would all add up to in the end. Usually that's what stops me from pushing that buy now button. And I never have websites keep my credit card number on file, mostly for the reason that for me to make the purchase means I have to haul my lazy ass upstairs to get my wallett and credit card out, which is as much a deterrent as the huge number staring at me. This is my mistake with iTunes. My credit card is on file, which makes it oh so easy to just download new apps/songs/videos straight to my iPod.

Dangerous I tell you!

But come Christmas, my online shopping "addiction" is justified! Woohoo! I have very limited shopping time, worse now that you can't pull one over on the kids (they're just too darned smart and observant!) so I can't shop with them. And DH and I practically fight over who gets to be the one that gets to go get the gifts, seeing as how we can't go together. So I just boot up the old computer (ok, who am I kidding, it never gets turned off!) and shop to my little heart's content. Most of the online shopping sites will offer free shipping at some point, so you have to watch out for that.

Anyone care to share their favourite online shopping websites?

A Sad Day

Wednesday was the day. The day we had to put Vader down, our "puppy" of 13 long years. I talked in a previous blog about the fact that he had a bad heart, and mostly about the expense of it all. So here we are, almost 5 months later. That was five months of very expensive heart medication! We managed to cut back on how much he needed, which saved money of course, but it was still pricey.

So the decision to finally do it came a couple of weeks ago. His cough was getting bad again (which signaled the fluid in his lungs was building up again), and he was having more fainting episodes, which was something the medications were initially helping. We knew the vet had said he would deteriorate, despite the meds, and we honestly thought he wouldn't last this long.

DH was distraught. He cried and sobbed all night long, the night before he took him. Then we had to get up and tell the boys what was happening that day. They already knew it was coming at some point, but they didn't know when. L cried a lot. R cried for less than two minutes and was over it. I wasn't surprised; he was never very attached to Vader. L cared for him more, so is missing him more. I cried a little, the day of. I find I miss him at certain times of the day. Like when we come home from being out (and he would come greet us at the door) or at lunch time (when he would come out from wherever he was sleeping and wait patiently under the table for all the food to drop from the messy children.)

It was a rather long and stressful day. This is our first experience with having to put an animal down. And not the last, I'm sure. We still have our guinea pigs, so that will be another death we will one day have to face. And I don't doubt that one day we will get another dog (although it won't be soon, and I'd really like to avoid the puppy stage if possible.)

On a completely different note, I'm sorry I haven't blogged for a while. I also haven't been reading other blogs either, so if you are one of the ones I follow, I will be catching up on your adventures soon! And since I haven't been looking, I realized today that I have two new followers, which is very exciting!! Welcome! Now I feel all this pressure to write something good. I hope I don't disappoint you.

What Would You Do?

Today I had a lot of running around to do. It certainly piles up on you when you have limited weekday time for that and only one vehicle to share as well.

So I was at the police station about to get my criminal record check done and I noticed that in the van parked beside me, a dog was shut inside. The windows were up, and the sun was out. Now I know it's not the hottest day today (25C is supposed to be the high, so it was probably about 23 at the time) but that is still hot enough for the vehicle to heat up rather quickly.

I always feel sorry for animals shut up inside cars. They can't open the window or door to cool off, and plus they are wearing a fur coat! How would we feel in that situation? Everyone knows not to leave an animal in the car during a sunny summer day.

It's not the first time I have seen this. Nor, I'm sure, will it be the last. But I've never had the guts before to really do anything about it. I'm not a trouble maker, or shit-disturber. I'm really rather a wimp. I avoid confrontation at all costs. So the thought of approaching some stranger and having words with them over this issue makes me feel a little sick and weak-kneed. Even if it is in defense of something completely defenseless.

And so my conclusion was that this time I wasn't going to be a wuss about it. I was going to "woman up" and do something about it this time. I went inside the station, and approached the desk.

Friendly-looking officer - "Can I help you?"

Me - "Well, you see I came in for my record check, and there's a dog completely shut up inside a van beside me..."

Officer - Stoney silence.

Me - Feeling rather awkward and uncomfortable.
"So, err, I was wondering if you could arrest that loser maybe put out a page or something?"

Officer - "He'll be alright, no one's been in here that long."

Me - Feeling incredibly stupid and meddling by this point. I mumbled something about how I just felt sorry for the animal and went on my way.

So that's my heroic effort and how it went down. Never again will I try that. I felt so idiotic. Not to mention I'm sure the guy who owned the van heard every word and probably felt pretty smug about it. He was probably thinking, stupid cow, who does she think she is anyway?

So I'm wondering if everyone else would have done the same, or left it? Would you have carried it further, or slunk away with your proverbial tail between your legs like me?

Commenting

I recently received a comment on my last blog posting that made no sense to me whatsoever. I removed the comment, because even though I am still trying to make sense out of it, I get a negative feeling from it.
Now, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, of course. And I have no misconceptions about the internet world. I FULLY realize that anyone and everyone can read what I write. That is why I try to retain some anonymity if possible.
But seriously, if you are going to comment on my blog, especially if it's a negative comment, please try to be clear, concise, and above all, CONSTRUCTIVE. Tell me how to make it better, but don't be all cryptic and elusive about it. Tell me what parts you are referring to. If you want a response, let me know.
I also think, don't be a chicken shit. If you want to tell me something, then at least leave an identity of some sort. Some way of letting me respond would be nice.
I leave comments on stranger's blogs all the time. I don't leave negative comments for a few reasons. One is that if something on someone's blog offends me, I just don't read it. There's too much out there to be bothered with something I don't like.
Another reason is that I feel it takes a lot of guts to put stuff out there. As I said, I know anyone could read what I write, and most of what I write is personal and comes from the heart. I do care what people think about me, and so for me, that takes a lot of guts to write a blog. It took me ages actually, to even tell people that I had a blog. So keeping that in mind, I don't write negative things to others. Like my mother always said, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!"

Blast From The Past

This morning as I was watching (well, listening really, due to the chaos that is my mornings) a news show called Breakfast Television I heard something that piqued my interest. You see, this show is on for about 3 hours in the morning, and they do all kinds of pieces like local festivals, events, health and beauty stories, cooking, music, blah, blah, blah, as well as real news and weather. When I heard a band start playing (they almost ALWAYS have a band or singing group on at some point in the morning) an old John Cougar Mellencamp song, I had to look. I used to date this guy who played in a cover band for Mellencamp (and if you don't know what a cover band is, look it up) and the song brought back many memories and an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. As I watched this one guy singing his heart out about Jack and Diane (and pretty well too, I might add) the camera happened to pan over and zoom in on the drummer.
Lo and behold there sat my ex-boyfriend!! Unbelievable! It's always kind of weird to see someone you know on tv, especially someone you haven't talked to for about 15 years!
I yelled to the boys, "Guys! Look! I know that guy!"
Boys: "Which guy?"
"The one playing the drums! He used to be my boyfriend, waaaaayy before I met Daddy!"
Boys: "Him? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
Ok, I'll admit that time hasn't done him many favours. He's not one of those men that gets better with age...Poor guy. He's gained twenty or thirty a few pounds, and lost more than a few hairs. I'll ignore the weight gain though, haven't we all gained some in our middle-age?
He used to be really cute! Kind of...Doogie Howser-ish. He had a baby face, green (or was it blue? I know they weren't brown...) eyes and blond hair that was so soft when you ran your fingers through it....Oops, sorry, getting carried away there. I'll stop here with the physical descriptions...
He was the only guy I ever dated that smoked. He also drove a bad-ass black Camaro. It was his baby, and he only let me drive it once, when he was too drunk to drive it himself. Man was that fun! The car driving I mean, not the part about him being drunk. That part happened waaaaayyy too much. So much so, that I think maybe he had a bit of a problem back then. He was my bad boy phase. I went to more parties with him, snuck into more bars and drank way more than with any other boyfriend. And the fact that he was a drummer was a HUGE turn-on. There's just something about the drums that I love, and to this day I am still fascinated by anyone that can play them. I only wish.
So what happened, you say? (Or maybe not, you probably could care less.) Well, since you asked, he broke up with me on VALENTINE'S DAY! Seriously. What douche-bag breaks up with his girl on V-day? At least do it the week before. Geez.
But it was a good thing. The guy drank every penny he made, was way more interested in drinking and smoking with his buddies than seeing his girl, and had a very strange aversion to his own body fluids. Yeah. Nothing like shattering the moment by freaking out over you own ejaculate touching you. Problems.
Despite the ill-timed break-up, we remained in touch for a bit afterwards. He even came and visited me a few times in my college dorm...Yes, it was that kind of visit. But I wasn't the kind of girl by then that needed "more". I was in that phase of my life where I fully recognized the advantages of, well, satisfying one's own urges with no strings attached. So it worked to both of our benefits.
So now that I've walked down memory lane with you, I'm left wondering... What is it that makes us want to get in touch with people from our past? I now have this urge to get a hold of him, call him up or email him * and see how he's doing. I want to know things like if he's still teaching drumming, what he does for a living, does he have kids, or is he married.
*I'll admit here that I have actually tried to look him up on Facebook before.
Perhaps it's the innate tendency to show off, to brag about my life (not that there's much to brag about aside from my beautiful boys), to prove *snicker* that "I'm over him". That makes me laugh, but I think in a very small way it may be true. Don't you even kind of wonder if all your exes are "over" you, or if they're sitting around day after day pining for you, wishing they had had the good sense to smarten up and marry YOU?
LOL. Even my sister said something to that effect when I frantically called her this morning, yelling at her to turn on the tv, quick. She said, "Maybe he's on there, playing away and thinking at the same time, 'Gee I hope my ex-girlfriend Jenn see's this' " LMAO!! I seriously doubt the thought even crossed his mind.
Well, I'm off to do some cyber-stalking research!