The Guilt Complex

Why is it that ever since I became a woman, I feel guilt ALL the time? Is it like some sort of pre-requisite for being a woman or what? Men don't seem to suffer from this complex as much, or at least they don't show or voice it.

Take for example, tonight. I was putting R to bed, and as is the routine I was reading to him. Yes, he's nine now and can read to himself, but we both enjoy it and it's a nice end to the day (we do the same with L, DH and I switch back and forth between the two when we can). The usual lights-out time we aim for is 8:00, give or take a few. I was anxious tonight to watch House, one of my favourite shows. So I was trying to get it all done before then, but at the point that I said goodnight, R complained vehemently. We hadn't actually finished a chapter, and when I said I wanted to watch my show, he looked at me with glassy eyes and said that it made him feel bad.

GOD! The guilt! That I would put my own selfish needs to watch a show before him...So of course I stayed, read more of the book and missed my show. Oh well.

Then there's Mother Guilt. And I'm not talking about the same mother guilt as above, the kind when you feel guilty for every action you take in regards to your children because you feel like you're f*ing up their lives royally and feel bad for it. I'm talking about Mother Induced Guilt - my OWN mother. I'm not sure how I end up feeling guilty about the things that are wrong in her life, but I do. I guess it's because she's done so much for me in my life (raising me, taking care of me, feeding me, clothing me, giving up things to buy me stuff, being there when my own kids were born, you know, small stuff like that!) and I'm not there for her when she needs someone. It's not really possible most of the time, due to the (geographical) distance between us and time constraints. But this coming weekend I have chosen to spend my birthday weekend with the boys at their Scouting camp (DH is going too as he is a Beaver leader, and the parents are allowed to come for Beavers) instead of going to my mother's as she suggested. This decision was made partly because I still want to spend my birthday with my boys (as much as I don't wish to celebrate turning 37), we wanted to go camping this summer but never got to, and another friend/mom who said, "Awwww, come on, it'll be fun!!" Yeah, sure, spending a night in a cabin with 50 other people and one (?) washroom sounds like a disaster waiting to happen blast.

So I feel guilty about that. That once again I'm not going over to see my mom. Here's the funny thing - She has one Friday a month off. That Friday happens to fall this week (tomorrow). My birthday is Sat. She had said she was going to come see me on the weekend for my birthday, however since I've chosen to go to the camp, she obviously won't. Then I asked her about her off Friday. I asked her when it was, and she confessed that it was this week. I asked her if she would come over then, but she has to take the car in, and then she is going out to celebrate a friend's 70th birthday. So why am I feeling badly about not seeing her when A - it's my birthday and B - she's choosing to celebrate a friend's birthday over mine? Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter about that, really, I'm not. I'm happy she has friends, and I know she really needs those relationships. Plus I am still harbouring guilt (again with the guilt) about not going to see her on her birthday this year due to a cotttage trip, so I kind of feel like I deserve it. But I just wish I could stop feeling guilty about it!!

Let's not even get started about the other kinds of guilt I feel. Guilt for having a crappy looking garden in the front of my house that doesn't look even close to as nice as anyone else on my street, guilt for throwing out things in the garbage occasionally that should have been separated for recycling, guilt for using non-environmentally friendly cleaning products, guilt for not taking my kids to the dentist, guilt for not taking them to (take your pick here), guilt for not paying more attention to the dog when he was around, guilt for not donating enough to charities, guilt for not being able to go on field trips or volunteer in the classrooms etc, etc, etc.

I once read a book about motherhood and the pressures that mothers feel in this day and age as compared to say, the 50's. It had a lot of info about guilt. It said that we need to rephrase in our heads anytime we feel guilt for things. For example, when you think, "I feel so guilty for dropping him off at school upset," you simply rephrase "I regret dropping him off at school upset" and if it makes sense to you phrasing it that way, then you take steps to change that. If not, stop the guilt and accept it for what it is. Guess I need to remember that.

Brithday Blues

On Friday it was my birthday. My, hmmm hmmm, 36th birthday. I don't know why, but for some reason, that number sounds so big to me. Turning 35 didn't affect me this much, or any other number. Just, 36 sounds so old. So much closer to, gulp, 40! *shudder* How depressing.

So the day started off as per normal. It was a working day, so, same old same old. Only I slept pretty badly the night before, and the day before I had been dizzy as anything upon waking, which did get somewhat better throughout the day. So I wasn't feeling 100% Friday, but what can you do? As a mom, you carry on.

My sister came over which was THE VERY BEST part of my day. Of my week for that matter. So I got to spend the day with my adorable niece and nephew and of course, my sis. However, as the day wore on, I was feeling less and less "well", but I tried to ignore it and also tried to be careful with not spreading any germs to anyone, most of all the baby. I also had the unexpected pleasure on Friday of having only two kids to look after, and they happened to be two of the easier ones. No babies!! YAHOO!

Then, partway through the day, we decided that we'd pull the boys out of school early, so that they could spend some time with their Auntie and cousins as well. I called the school and set it up, and at the second nutrition break, my sis went to the school to pick up the boys as a surprise. Of course, I still had to go back to the school later at the regular dismissal time to pick up one of the other kids I look after, but it was what it was. Well it sucked actually, because it was raining, and cold, and I was pretty sure I was starting a fever by then. But I sucked it up.

By the time everyone finally went home, and it was just me and the boys, my body was aching and I was running a temp close to 101. I dragged my shivering ass fully clothed into bed and stayed there for the night. So much for a birthday celebration. No dinner out, no cake, nothing. DH came home around 5:30, saw me in bed and resigned himself to the fact that he was in charge for the night.

Ok, being sick sucks so much when you are a mom. Nobody cares about you. Nobody checks on you, or soothes you, or asks you if you need anything. Not only that, you just fall asleep, and someone comes into the bedroom asking for something. Can't you ask Daddy?? I'M SLEEPING HERE!! You have to remind your stupid husband to actually feed the children, and absolutely nothing gets done all weekend! So the whole weekend's mess is left until you are better. I will say, however, that at least he went and got some groceries, and he did finally do some dishes, but only after I had to ask him to! What, you thought they would magically clean themselves??

But I am going to focus on the positive side, which was...I got to spend one day lounging around doing nothing but sleeping and watching tv in my pj's, and without any GUILT, so that was nice. Too bad I had to feel crappy to do that, but that's the part that nullifies the guilt, so there you go. Of course I do feel guilty that I may have infected my sister and her family, but that wasn't really my fault, I didn't realize that I was sick until later in the day, and by then it was too late. I just hope that they stay healthy.

Yesterday (Sunday) we had to go out to do some coat shopping. So I joked that my big birthday meal out was at the mall food court. Yippee.

It's Been Awhile

So, yeah, it has.... I guess in part due to my week off (the 24th to the 28th), as I actually did NOT spend all my time off on the computer!! Wow. But I digress, (I've always wanted to say that, and it's probably not even the right way to use it, but it sounds cool, doesn't it?) I use the computer to keep me sane during working hours mostly (but not always), and blogging helps that too. Sooooooo, since I wasn't working, I didn't feel the need.

As for this week (as it's now Friday), I have just been too effing busy to concentrate much on blogging. Not that today is much better, only slightly.

And it's FRIDAY peoples!!! The start of a long weekend, and the LAST day before school starts again! Can I say.....WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (don't tell my kids that)

Now, to business. I have had a crazy week, partly due to my insane scheduling hassles (and certain children that come part and parcel with that, need I say more?), and partly due to things beyond my permission to tell you.

I've had one of those weeks though. You know, the ones when you question your whole life? Well, maybe not everyone does that, but I'm sure some of you do. I think things like, How did this get to be my life? This isn't what I signed up for. This isn't even close to what I imagined it to be. When does my real life start?

Then the "What Ifs" come. What if I just picked up and left? What if I had gone to school when I was supposed to? What if I had never said yes? What if I had, I don't know, gone to Europe by myself for a summer? What if I decided to start all over, and is that even possible?

Ok, don't worry, I'm not planning on upping and abandoning my family, but sometimes you wonder...

And sometimes I think to myself things like, You only get one life, and it's passing you by, so shouldn't you make it what you want? And then the thought of trying to actually do that is just too scary to consider.

I'm a believer of everything happens for a reason. I think that, if people are meant to be together, they will be, and if not, then that's that. I think that if something is meant to happen, it will, and if bad things happen, then they must happen for some reason or another, to allow room for better things to happen. Of course, that theory is constantly being tested, especially the latter.

So here I am, awash in thoughts. I am trying to dwell on the positives, as I usually do. Everyone I know is healthy, Thank God. My children are smart and beautiful and healthy. I have a home to live in, in a beautiful city, in the best country in the world. I have food to eat, clean water to drink. I have my family that loves me. Really I shouldn't want for more.

And as a completely different aside, Happy Birthday to my baby, R. I can't believe that 8 years ago to this minute I was struggling to expel you from my womb. You're everything I could have hoped and dreamed for. I love you.