The Power of Positive Thinking?

I have to commend my sister, S. She has got it goin' on, for lack of a better expression. She is just lucky in life, it seems.
Ok, that doesn't mean that her life is perfect (well, maybe close to it now) or that it has always been either. She's had her share of trials, heartache and difficulties.
What I mean is that it seems that when she puts her mind to it, and she wants something, it happens for her.
She always said married and first child by 30, and there you go. She has a wonderful, loving husband who adores her, and a gorgeous baby girl, 4 months now.
She said they would have a baby right away, and they did.
She said she wouldn't gain weight, or have to lose weight after the baby, and she didn't.
She said she wouldn't get stretch marks, and she didn't.
She said she wanted to be a SAHM, and that will be true also, which is an incredible feat in today's economy.
Some things she says I just smile and nod, while "pshawwing" in my head and thinking "yeah, right, you just keep thinking that!" But not so much anymore. Because she seems to have this way of making things happen the way she wants for herself.
I have to say, I'm just a little jealous. And curious.
HOW DOES SHE DO THAT???
My life is only about half of how I pictured it. There are so many things I would love to do over, so many things I would change in a heartbeat.
I try to keep my focus though. The most important things in my life....my boys. At least my dream of being a mother became a reality for me, and that is the most important part.

A Quick Note

Just a quick note to let you all know that I am still alive. I haven't blogged lately for a few reasons; one being that a new baby started with me so my computer time is way more limited, it's spring and nice weather is here so I'm outside more instead of inside on a computer, and also I really haven't felt much like it and don't have much to share (well, that I can share.)

Anyhow, I am sure I will find something to ramble mindlessly about soon. And to all of you who commented on previous postings, thank you and the fact that your comments weren't visible until today is partly my fault, partly not, but it wasn't because I didn't want to make them visible. I hadn't realized that when I changed my settings to comment moderation that I would have to log on, go to my dashboard and review them that way. I didn't get any emails letting me know that anyone had commented, so I didn't know, and also....I totally forgot I changed the settings, so I've changed them back now.

OK, that's it for now.

Ten Pounds

If you knew me in high school, I was that girl who could eat anything she wanted to, and would never gain an ounce of fat. Even after high school and the years following in college I could drink beer all night, eat pizza for breakfast, burgers for lunch and carbs for dinner and still I was a nice, trim 117-121 lbs. Yes, that was my weight and what a wouldn't give to have that weight back again in the blink of an eye.

So here it is, y'all. I'm going to tell you my weight. I do this with trepidation, because for some, you might go, "What the hell is she complaining about?", and for others, like my sisters, they may go, "Wow, I seriously didn't think she was that much!" (I don't even know if they read this, actually.) I guess I should start off by saying that I'm about 5'6", or just slightly shorter. I have a medium build as far as bone structure goes, and tiny boobs, so I can't blame any weight on them, for sure! I guess I'm just comparing myself to my sisters, who are about the same height as me, with my youngest sister S having a slightly more delicate bone structure.

So S weighs 115 lbs, and had a baby just 3 months ago. Doesn't that make you sick? She has her perfect body back with no stretch marks to show for it, and lovely big (albeit a bit leaky at times, *snicker* ) boobs.

My other sister, N weighs 122 lbs, and we are pretty well matched in body structure (right down to the boobs!) Now, she has an 11-month-old but she works pretty hard to keep in shape, and exercises regularly. I can't really begrudge her her weight, because she deserves it, and also had to give up eating many, many yummy and delicious things to keep my nephew T happy and healthy while he was nursing (he has a lot of sensitivities, it seems, poor guy.)

So here it is. I weigh, on any given day between 130 (that's a good day) and 135. Ugh. I don't really know why my weight fluctuates so much, but it has always been like that, so I'm used to it. It's my norm. It also means I can't really celebrate the loss of a pound or two, because it could be right back there in another day or week. As I said, I'd give anything to have my weight drop by 10 pounds in the blink of an eye. Notice I said in the blink of an eye.

Because apparently, I'm not willing to give up anything at all to have it drop within a reasonable amount of time. Every damn day I wake up and think, OK, today, I'm not going to eat so much. I'm going to have fruit for breakfast, salad for lunch, and a FAR smaller portion of dinner than even the boys do! And I'm not going to eat anything containing sugar!

Yes you can see how well that's going. Well, not see, but read. I have no idea how people do it. How do they find the willpower to make themselves exercise? How do they find it to tell themselves NO when they want something to eat? I get to lunchtime and I'm starving! I want real food, not rabbit food! How do I turn off that thing in my brain that tells me to eat carbs and sugar? Or butter? God, I love butter...

All I want is to lose 10 pounds and keep it off. Just 10 pounds.

Anyone have a magic pill I can take???

Things I Can't Seem To Find Anymore

Have you ever had a favourite product that just sort of, disappeared? From the stores, I mean. Boy, does that ever drive me crazy. We have had several disappear lately, so if you are from Ontario (Canada) and you know where I can find these things, please let me know!
My boys like waffles and pancakes for breakfast. Not something I really want to start their day off with, sugar and white flour, but I have found in the past Eggo Plus Fibre waffles. I used to be able to find them in three different flavours; cinnamon, plain and blueberry. Now, I can't find any at all!! I don't get it. I really thought the trend towards eating more whole grain foods was really picking up, so why get rid of this product? Perhaps it's just where I live, but I can't find them in any of the grocery chains around here. And I know, just because it says plus fibre doesn't make it whole grain, but it does make it a healthier choice than the regular kind.
DH really enjoys the Nature Valley Maple Flavour granola bars. I can find many other flavours of Nature Valley granola bars, but these specific ones seem to have disappeared as well.
L will occasionally eat tomato soup. I got him onto this because he liked the Heinz brand of Spiderman soup. It is essentially tomato soup with Spiderman shaped pasta in it. Now, of course, I can't find it anywhere! I can find Heinz Spiderman Pasta, but this is not soup, you see.
Occasionally, I will pick up So Nice soy milk, usually around Christmas when they sell their version of egg nog, called Noel Nog. I like it because I'm lactose intolerant, and I've not yet found a lactose-free version of regular egg nog. However, I used to come across the same brand of soy milk with other flavours such as cappuccino, or chai. I know, yuck, soy milk, but these were quite good. Alas, I never see these around anymore.
Well, that's my rant for the morning. Not terribly interesting, but I felt like writing my annoyance about these things.

A Waste of a Day

I am quite upset. Today was supposed to have been a perfect day, my last "day off". Next week I will have a new baby starting, and the schedule I have goes back to normal. Sigh.
I had so many wonderful plans for today. And it's such a BEAUTIFUL day as well.
So how did I spend it?
In bed, asleep, for the most part.
This morning I got up at my normal 6 am, and became so dizzy I almost hit the wall going into the bathroom. I had to steady myself against the bathroom counter before I could go turn on the shower. While in the shower, I was still dizzy, trying desperately to keep my head still (which is the only thing that seems to help) while wetting my hair. Do you know how hard that is? Not an easy task unless you want water pouring down your face. I didn't even bother to actually wash (I know, ewww, but I do take a shower every day!) and instead just wet myself before stepping out I was so nauseous.
My DH comes into the shower shortly after I do, as he has his breakfast first, and I begged asked him if he would stay home and help me this morning. Of course, I already knew he wouldn't, as that's just the type he is. I have to be literally dying first.

So I took a Gravol, and went downstairs to soldier on with my day. I told the boys they had to make their own lunches today, which I normally do myself, as I don't really think a lunch of nothing but chewy granola bars and cookies is entirely healthy. But today I couldn't care less. As long as they didn't come home starving, I'm happy enough with that lunch.
They also had to make their own breakfast, which they are getting better at, as that is a more frequent occurrence. I then drove them to school, which I NEVER do, and came home to bed.
Gravol totally knocks me out, and now it is wearing off, so I am now more lucid, but also more nauseous. Time to decide if I can make it through without it, since I have to go and get all the kids from school soon.

I Don't Like My Kid And I Feel Like a Bad Mom Because Of It

I'm thinking that my friend from Running Out of Hands can sympathize here. I've heard her often comment on how she struggles with her middle child, R*, and her difficulties in liking him very much sometimes.

I often feel the same way about L. Sometimes he is great. Other times, not. He seems to go through these "phases" of being utterly and incredibly annoying to me.

I think our personalities clash. That must be part of the problem. He can be so rude and obnoxiously snarky at times, and it builds over time. I won't notice it so much at first, but it gets worse and worse over time until I'm like, hey, how come I'm letting him talk to me like that?? Then I have to harp at him over and over again for a week or so, punishing him and telling him off until he stops and goes back to being a little more meek and humble. Boy that sounds dictatorial, doesn't it? But I can't have my kid talking to me like I'm his equal, his peer. I'm his mother, for goodness sake!

So then I put this kid to bed at night, and he cries. He tells me he feels like no one likes him, that everybody hates him. And then I feel so guilty. And angry. Both, at the same time. There's the mother (guilt) part of me that is saying, "You made him feel this way! Aren't you ashamed of yourself? You should only ever make him feel nothing but loved!"

And then there's the normal, human (angry) part of me saying,"You're kidding me, right? Kid, you don't KNOW what it feels like to be unloved and hated!! How can you be so ungrateful for all you have? You seriously need a life lesson!"

DH says he and I are too alike. I disagree. I don't know where he gets this from. He says L pushes all the right buttons on me. I won't disagree with that.

So I go to bed that night and tell myself that I promise, I really, really will try very hard to be a better, more patient and understanding mother tomorrow. And I will, but it's so hard sometimes.

Wishful Wednesday

I wish...

I could reverse time.

• I would go back and revisit the days when I was nursing my babies. I miss that closeness.
• I would eat less during that nursing time, so my body could have used up its fat storage.
• I would put my foot down about some monetary "loans" we made, so that we didn't do it, which would have changed a lot for where we are now today.

We could win the lottery. I know everyone wishes that, so why can't I? It doesn't have to be a big one, I'd be happy with the half million!!

There was some way to know if putting a lot of money into medication for a dog was going to pay off with having him live for many more years to come.

My sisters lived closer. I hate that we only see each other once a month or so. I wish they lived next door, or just down the street.

I had more willpower. Willpower to exercise regularly, to not eat treats, and to stay away from technology when I have things I should be doing otherwise!

I could be 17 again for a day or so, knowing what I know now. There are so many more risks I'd take! I was too shy, too cautious as a teen. I still am, really.

What do you wish?