Weight Woes

This is the second attempt at writing this blog entry. Hopefully all goes well. As an aside:
I EFFING HATE MY EFFING COMPUTER!!!!AAAARRRGGGGGHHHH!!!
Ok, I'm better now.

As I'm sure you've heard me mention before, I'm not entirely happy with my body shape. Of course it's not what it used to be. I'm not 20 anymore, and I've had two children which stretched my muscles and skin all to hell. I could lose 25 pounds and I'd still be saggy. Right now I'd be just fine with 10 lbs.
I know I need to tone up.
I know I need some cardio/aerobic exercise.
I know I need to stop eating all my baking!!
I also know that I've been coming to terms with the fact that I'll NEVER wear a bikini again without the aid of either A)surgery to remove the extra fat/skin/bulging veins/unsightly stretch marks or B)some sort of lobotomy/medication/hypnosis to make me not care about showing off all the above things in public.
It's ok to come to terms with being not so attractive, right? Or is it like giving up? Because according to my DH, it's not ok. He has some idealistic vision of me in his head looking like I did when I was in college. He actually thinks this is attainable again. Pfffftt.
I wish he would be like other husbands and just tell me I'm beautiful to him no matter what. I wish he would realize the gift and sacrifice of bearing his children. I also wish he would look in a mirror.
He's no prize. He's probably gained 20 pounds since college, and at least I have the excuse of bearing children!!
Lately he looks fatter to me. I see it in his gut, his chest, arms and most of all, his face and neck. It's not enough for me to say, "Ugh, you disgust me, where's my blindfold?", because he's still him. But it is enough to make me bite my tongue a little when I see him walking around in the bedroom.
And I do bite my tongue. Because my mom always told me, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!" Plus I've been on the receiving end of his criticism, and the truth hurts, y'all. I know my remarking on his weight gain would only lead him to remark on my own body, and I really don't want to hear it. It's not like I don't think about it mostly every damn day!
So I've tried to subtlely suggest that he get back to playing ballhockey. A few times. To no avail.
Yesterday I stupidly tried to stand in the kitchen and take my own measurments for a bathing suit I desperately need and was hoping to purchase online. (That takes the pain out of bathing suit shopping somehow, doing it online.) L said, "Are you trying to see how fat you are Mommy?"
Nice.
I have no idea where he got that from, as I've always tried to be conscientious about not dwelling on fat and body image around my kids. He must have got it from his father.
So I swallowed my pride and said, "No I'm trying to get a measurement so I can buy a bathing suit."
DH didn't miss a beat. He piped up immediately to claim, "Yes, we both need to work on losing some weight."
WTF??!!
I ask you, did I ask for a comment like that? Did I set myself up for that? It wasn't like I was complaining about my size or weight or anything. I was just innocently taking measurements.
Why did he have to drag me into that? Couldn't he just have said he needed to lose weight, and hoped his initiative would catch on? At least aside from my normal 1-5 lb fluctuations, I have remained the same weight for the past few years.
Geez.
Just for that, I'd like to work hard and lose weight and tone up. Then I could throw it in his face and call him a lard-ass next time he says something like that. But I'd have to hide it from him, and that would be kind of difficult.
Or maybe that was his secret agenda. To goad me into doing just that.
Maybe I'll sit around eating chocolate for the next month and gain another ten pounds just to spite him.
HAH! Take that lard ass!!

Parking Signs

As we were out shopping on the weekend, I was thinking about all the specialized parking spots. Of course, there have always been handicapped parking spots, and more recently in the last ten years, spots for parents with young children, or spots for expectant mothers.

Saturday while we were at the bank I saw a sign for parking for senior citizens. Now what is with that?? I can certainly see why we need spots for handicapped people, and I can appreciate the closer spots for parents with young children, but now we have spots for seniors? Come on.

For the most part, seniors are adults aged 60 and up. In some places it's 65, others it's 60. Do we really need to reserve some of the best spots for these people? Granted, some seniors have mobility problems and for them, I am most willing to let them have the closer spots. But as far as I know, most of the people in this group already have handicapped parking signs. The seniors that are not mobility-challenged don't need to have spots reserved for them. They can walk like the rest of us poor schmoes and like the rest of us poor schmoes, they probably could do with the exercise. The same thoughts go towards expectant mothers. If you are headed out to the shopping mall, chances are you're in for a lot of walking anyway, so a few more metres to your car is not going to kill you.

I know this all sounds really contrite, but at some point it's going to be getting ridiculous. One day, we may see signs like this:

• Parking reserved for 40 year old virgins, because they can't catch a break otherwise.

• Parking reserved for people whose asshole bosses watch every second they take of break time, and who only have a half hour lunch to run around and accomplish the 48 million tasks they need to accomplish during the day and have no time after work because they're too busy running kids to sports and other events so every second counts.

• Parking reserved for people who weigh over 300 pounds, because they can't move their fat asses any farther than they have to. (Hopefully this doesn't offend, but if it does, sorry, but this is MY blog.)

The list could go on and on. Our society has an oxy-moronic attitude towards health and exercise. On one hand, we are being told that as a society we are becoming less fit and more obese. We are being encouraged through various media to get up and get moving.

On the other hand, marketing and consumerism tells us to take the easy road. Everything is constantly being made easier to use, with less effort. And now, we are being handed parking spots closer to the door for rather mundane reasons.

Here's my idea. Reserve some parking spots at the back of the parking lots. Here's what their signs will say:

• Parking reserved for people who want to live past 65.

Ten Pounds

If you knew me in high school, I was that girl who could eat anything she wanted to, and would never gain an ounce of fat. Even after high school and the years following in college I could drink beer all night, eat pizza for breakfast, burgers for lunch and carbs for dinner and still I was a nice, trim 117-121 lbs. Yes, that was my weight and what a wouldn't give to have that weight back again in the blink of an eye.

So here it is, y'all. I'm going to tell you my weight. I do this with trepidation, because for some, you might go, "What the hell is she complaining about?", and for others, like my sisters, they may go, "Wow, I seriously didn't think she was that much!" (I don't even know if they read this, actually.) I guess I should start off by saying that I'm about 5'6", or just slightly shorter. I have a medium build as far as bone structure goes, and tiny boobs, so I can't blame any weight on them, for sure! I guess I'm just comparing myself to my sisters, who are about the same height as me, with my youngest sister S having a slightly more delicate bone structure.

So S weighs 115 lbs, and had a baby just 3 months ago. Doesn't that make you sick? She has her perfect body back with no stretch marks to show for it, and lovely big (albeit a bit leaky at times, *snicker* ) boobs.

My other sister, N weighs 122 lbs, and we are pretty well matched in body structure (right down to the boobs!) Now, she has an 11-month-old but she works pretty hard to keep in shape, and exercises regularly. I can't really begrudge her her weight, because she deserves it, and also had to give up eating many, many yummy and delicious things to keep my nephew T happy and healthy while he was nursing (he has a lot of sensitivities, it seems, poor guy.)

So here it is. I weigh, on any given day between 130 (that's a good day) and 135. Ugh. I don't really know why my weight fluctuates so much, but it has always been like that, so I'm used to it. It's my norm. It also means I can't really celebrate the loss of a pound or two, because it could be right back there in another day or week. As I said, I'd give anything to have my weight drop by 10 pounds in the blink of an eye. Notice I said in the blink of an eye.

Because apparently, I'm not willing to give up anything at all to have it drop within a reasonable amount of time. Every damn day I wake up and think, OK, today, I'm not going to eat so much. I'm going to have fruit for breakfast, salad for lunch, and a FAR smaller portion of dinner than even the boys do! And I'm not going to eat anything containing sugar!

Yes you can see how well that's going. Well, not see, but read. I have no idea how people do it. How do they find the willpower to make themselves exercise? How do they find it to tell themselves NO when they want something to eat? I get to lunchtime and I'm starving! I want real food, not rabbit food! How do I turn off that thing in my brain that tells me to eat carbs and sugar? Or butter? God, I love butter...

All I want is to lose 10 pounds and keep it off. Just 10 pounds.

Anyone have a magic pill I can take???