Feeling Bummed

Yeah, this is a mopey, whiny post. You've been warned.

I'm just feeling bummed out. It started with something that happened with my mom. This is going to sound cryptic, but you'll see why by the end, and it's because my dad reads this blog. My mom did something without telling me about it. And I found out through one of my sisters. My sister didn't/wasn't supposed to tell me, but I kind of put her on the spot and in a situation that she either had to lie, or tell me. She isn't into lying, so she told me, then later told my mom she told me. I was kind of surprised my mom didn't tell me, and then a bit hurt. Apparently, my mom didn't tell me because she didn't want my dad to know. (So dad, when you read this, just leave it as is and don't ask questions please, PLEASE! And definitely don't say anything to any of the other "kids" or mom!) And apparently, she doesn't want my dad to know a lot of things. She said that he "always knows stuff, and it's none of his damn business". OKAAAAAYYYYY......
Really, I guess what she was saying was that I am telling him stuff, as if I'm going around gossiping about her to my dad. Which I don't. I tell him small things, things which I've never considered to be personal, but apparently they are. I guess EVERYTHING is personal according to her.
You see, she made me feel like some kind of snitch. Like I'm untrustworthy. Like a child. If she had just said to me to begin with, "Please don't ever discuss me or any aspect of my life with your father," then I could have done that. I didn't know that EVERYTHING was taboo!!
So she called and sort of apologized, meaning, she said she was sorry she didn't tell me but.... And because I didn't want to make our relationship more troubled or rocky, I didn't say anything, about the but part. And I really should have. I should have let her have it. But I didn't of course. Grrrr. And I'm sitting here thinking about the fact that even writing this, and knowing that my dad is going to read it, I probably shouldn't even write it, since it means technically I'm talking about her with my dad. But damn it, this is MY life too, and it has affected and upset me, so I have every right to vent about it, I feel.

So I've been stewing about that, and to top it off, it's the beginning of the month. Which means, bills, bills, bills. Now that DH is working fulltime, I had thought we would have some leeway with our finances, but no. I'm so stressed about money. We're still not making ends meet, and that's scary. I'm struggling to find new kids for the daycare, and now the washing machine has something wrong with it, and both cars have issues, and we really have to change our sliding back door before winter. Yikes! Our credit can't handle much more, and I worry about something happening to one of us. So it's all piling up onto me. Of course once I get my brain working, I think about EVERYTHING, so now I'm thinking, great, Xmas is less than three months away, and I had really wanted to get the kids skiing lessons, but that's out of the question now, and so on, and so on.... I even had to tell the kids we couldn't go to the movies this weekend because of lack of funds. It's my birthday tomorrow, and my dad has kindly offered to watch the boys while DH and I go out for dinner, but being the way I am, I'm thinking we had better not go. It's DH's 40th this year, in November, and that's going to pass by without much celebration either. Perhaps I can just get a few friends to come over for one afternoon for some homemade cake and coffee.

Wow, talk about getting off track! So, I'm moping. And I'm probably also freaking out a little that I'm one step closer to forty tomorrow. 
But thanks for "listening". Venting always makes me feel a tiny bit better. And a good cry, ha ha.

Cottage Woes

Well here I am bitching about the cottage again. So...if you don't want to hear it, don't read this post. Maybe some of you can sympathize, or empathize, I don't know.

You already know how I feel about the cottage and going there (see July ). Every year DH has to go up there and pull out the water line, drain the pump, pull up the dock as well as the useless boat ramp (for which we have no boat), among other chores. But those are the main things. The things that HE knows how to do, and really seems to be the only person that can do them. Really, all the other closing chores can and SHOULD be done by someone else. There ARE other family members!!

Which leads to my rant...Why the F*** is it ALWAYS up to him to do EVERYTHING??!! Last weekend, he went up on Sunday, leaving me, as usual to be a single mom. I'm used to that part. Not that I like it. He took his Dad with him, which I'm grateful for, because even if his dad is getting pretty useless as far as much physical labour is concerned, I'm glad he was there in case something were to happen. It's pretty isolated up there.

So he rented a wetsuit, which had to be back to the store by 3, and proceeded to pull the water line out, and do whatever else he did. When they arrived back home, I asked how things went, only to be told that he needs to go up again because he didn't finish everything!! WHAT!! Apparently, they didn't get the dock or boat ramp up, among other chores that weren't finished by Others-who-shall-remain-nameless. It made me so mad. I asked why he wasn't able to complete his main tasks, and he informed me it was because he was busy completely other things that should have already been done, but weren't. Which made me even angrier, of course. Now instead of being angry with Them, I was angry with him as well. I mean, why couldn't he have the common sense to finish his own tasks, and then leave whatever else he didn't have time for, for the Others?!!

My sister, N, has a theory about this. She thinks, and I tend to agree, that he thrives off it. That it doesn't annoy him, as it should, that They are taking away from his very limited family time by pushing all these demands onto him. That he isn't ready to let that go, for some reason. Maybe he just likes being up there, the quiet solitude, being on his own, despite having to do chores to do it. And, when I look at it that way, I can understand.

However, that also serves to make me angrier, because HOW DARE HE?? Do I get to spend a whole beautiful day away from my family? NO. Ever? NO. I don't even have a job that I get to escape the house and kids from. He does. Plus he has school now, which takes up even more of his time as he has assignments and studying to complete. And of course, I have to pick up the slack there.

I feel stretched. Not much more, and I'll snap, like an elastic band. I know this school thing is going to end at some point, and the ends justify the means, so to speak. It will be worth it in the end when he can get a better job and be happier doing it as well. So I will bide my time there.

But come on people, pray with me here, or whatever it is we non-religious folk do. Pray that that damn effing cottage BURNS TO THE GROUND this winter!! Please!