Feeling Bummed

Yeah, this is a mopey, whiny post. You've been warned.

I'm just feeling bummed out. It started with something that happened with my mom. This is going to sound cryptic, but you'll see why by the end, and it's because my dad reads this blog. My mom did something without telling me about it. And I found out through one of my sisters. My sister didn't/wasn't supposed to tell me, but I kind of put her on the spot and in a situation that she either had to lie, or tell me. She isn't into lying, so she told me, then later told my mom she told me. I was kind of surprised my mom didn't tell me, and then a bit hurt. Apparently, my mom didn't tell me because she didn't want my dad to know. (So dad, when you read this, just leave it as is and don't ask questions please, PLEASE! And definitely don't say anything to any of the other "kids" or mom!) And apparently, she doesn't want my dad to know a lot of things. She said that he "always knows stuff, and it's none of his damn business". OKAAAAAYYYYY......
Really, I guess what she was saying was that I am telling him stuff, as if I'm going around gossiping about her to my dad. Which I don't. I tell him small things, things which I've never considered to be personal, but apparently they are. I guess EVERYTHING is personal according to her.
You see, she made me feel like some kind of snitch. Like I'm untrustworthy. Like a child. If she had just said to me to begin with, "Please don't ever discuss me or any aspect of my life with your father," then I could have done that. I didn't know that EVERYTHING was taboo!!
So she called and sort of apologized, meaning, she said she was sorry she didn't tell me but.... And because I didn't want to make our relationship more troubled or rocky, I didn't say anything, about the but part. And I really should have. I should have let her have it. But I didn't of course. Grrrr. And I'm sitting here thinking about the fact that even writing this, and knowing that my dad is going to read it, I probably shouldn't even write it, since it means technically I'm talking about her with my dad. But damn it, this is MY life too, and it has affected and upset me, so I have every right to vent about it, I feel.

So I've been stewing about that, and to top it off, it's the beginning of the month. Which means, bills, bills, bills. Now that DH is working fulltime, I had thought we would have some leeway with our finances, but no. I'm so stressed about money. We're still not making ends meet, and that's scary. I'm struggling to find new kids for the daycare, and now the washing machine has something wrong with it, and both cars have issues, and we really have to change our sliding back door before winter. Yikes! Our credit can't handle much more, and I worry about something happening to one of us. So it's all piling up onto me. Of course once I get my brain working, I think about EVERYTHING, so now I'm thinking, great, Xmas is less than three months away, and I had really wanted to get the kids skiing lessons, but that's out of the question now, and so on, and so on.... I even had to tell the kids we couldn't go to the movies this weekend because of lack of funds. It's my birthday tomorrow, and my dad has kindly offered to watch the boys while DH and I go out for dinner, but being the way I am, I'm thinking we had better not go. It's DH's 40th this year, in November, and that's going to pass by without much celebration either. Perhaps I can just get a few friends to come over for one afternoon for some homemade cake and coffee.

Wow, talk about getting off track! So, I'm moping. And I'm probably also freaking out a little that I'm one step closer to forty tomorrow. 
But thanks for "listening". Venting always makes me feel a tiny bit better. And a good cry, ha ha.

Wheat Free

After receiving my endometriosis diagnosis, I started doing some research on the Internet. One site I came across mentioned the "endo diet". It's basically eliminating pretty much all food aside from fruits and veggies.
Really.
My mom and family are quite into natural healing, and healthy eating. Granola, is the term some would use, I think. Radical, is probably the term my DH thinks in his head. Being the Libran that I am, I try to find a happy balance. I'm easily convinced of new theories, which is probably why I get walked all over a lot in life. And DH always takes the opposing viewpoint of ANY issue I bring up (read: non-supportive) so he is on the other side of the fence. So....somewhere there's a happy balance.
But that's neither here nor there.
I do believe that much of what we eat greatly affects us. Look around you at all the health problems people have, all the obesity, even mental health problems. We eat more processed food, more genetically modified food, more chemical and hormone saturated food than we did fifty years ago. How can anyone ignore the fact that it's probably related?
And it's hard to go back to a more "natural" lifestyle, although more and more are realizing it, that we need to. It's not only hard to give up the easy food lifestyle we're accustomed to, it's also expensive! I wish I could afford to only buy organic foods. But a bag of organic milk for $8? A few chicken drumsticks for $10? Sorry, but no. It's just not within my means.
So here is what I read, as far as this diet goes (which is meant to reduce, if not, rid one of endo):

• no wheat (gluten)
• no dairy
• no soy (products)
• no red meat
• limited  organic chicken and fish
• no sugars (aside from organic maple syrup or agave)
• no caffeine (that one will be very difficult)
• no alcohol (not so difficult, I barely drink three drinks a year) 
• no eggs (I LOVE eggs!)

I'm sure there was more, but I can't think of it. There's no way I'm going to be able to do all that. I'd starve on nothing but veggies, fruits and nuts. And I would miss cheese.
So much.
But I thought I would try. I would start with one step (or two) and go from there. I will gradually wean myself of some of these things, gradually get them out of my life.
I started with wheat, as this made the most sense to me. First, because my mom has a problem with wheat, my sister has a problem with wheat, and so does my niece, to some extent. It seems to be in the family, although I'm thinking that if you picked ten people out of a crowd at random, and made them eliminate wheat from their diet, I'm betting at least five of them would notice a difference (in their health, I mean, not their palate!) so maybe it's not exactly in the genes...
I've always been somewhat, ahem, gassy. And that seems to run in the family too... I have known since high school that lactose is a huge contributor to that problem, and so I avoid it as much as I can. But I never really thought about other foods giving me that problem. Well, I sort of did, but didn't really care. After all, I do work from home, LOL. No need to worry about it too much.
I also chose to start eliminating wheat because a friend did and lost weight. I'm not deluding myself into thinking that I'll magically drop ten pounds, but I was thinking that if I'm not eating wheat, I'm also not eating cookies, muffins, cakes, buttery crackers, fattening pizzas and starchy pastas. It's like being forced to go on a diet.
So I've been wheat-free (as much as I can, but not 100%, I'll explain later) for 9 days now. Today would be the tenth day. Is the tenth day! I'm not giving up! And what have I noticed so far?

1. I'm less bloated.
2. I'm less gassy (although not like, 90% less, so I'm thinking something else is a culprit here...corn maybe? It's in EVERYTHING!)
3. Aside from today, as I think I may have a cold coming on, I haven't had one headache in nine days. That's unusual for me. 
4. I can almost move my belt in a notch (it's a little too tight if I do)

One of the less pleasant side effects from this "experiment" has been the discovery that I need to up my fibre intake some other way now. I always relied on whole grain breads, and high fibre cereals in the morning. Since I've replaced the bread with a much less fibrous gluten-free bread, and the cereal with mainly oatmeal, I'm kind of missing out. I won't go into details, don't worry. But I'm going to buy some steel-cut oats this weekend, and experiment with making oatmeal that way, and I'm also going to buy some flax seed or ground flax to add in. That should help.
I hope.
So while I thought I was wheat-free, after researching some more on gluten-free diets, I learned that there are so many products with hidden wheat in them. Like, soy sauce! And, stock (for soups, etc). And malt vinegar. Things you don't really think of. Things I was eating.
Oh well. Now I know.
I haven't baked yet. For the kids, for my family. I've lost the want and will to do that completely. I should though, because they enjoy it, and because DH was complaining about having no treats to eat after I yelled at him for going after my gluten-free ginger cookies I bought. Maybe today.
I hope I can stand the smell of freshly baked cookies.

Happy New Year

Wow, I've really been negligent of my blog haven't I? Sorry about that. I'm having mixed feelings about the whole happy new year business. I'm thinking back on 2011 and trying to decide if you would consider it a good year, or a bad year. Certainly, it wasn't a horrid year. It's been a year in learning a few lessons. Like, appreciating your family while they are here. Taking each day as it comes. Being grateful for each day. Making the most of each day. And, when things seem bad, they can always be worse. To break it down, I'll give you some of the bad, and some of the good: In early spring my niece was diagnosed with inoperable, "incurable" brain cancer, and was given only a year to live. It was heartbreaking, and gut wrenching, and devastating, and any negative word you can think of. So, you might say, it was a bad year. But here's the good; she is still with us, and thanks to homeopathy, getting BETTER! It taught me to hug my children more, to take a deep breath and remember this when they are irritating me, and to love every moment I have with them. And that's definitely a good thing. It's been a rough year financially. That can be looked at as a bad year. I've had less kids in daycare, and unable to get more new babies easily, so making less money. My DH has been in and out of work due to school and other stuff for over three years now. That, plus the financial burden of school is tough. But my DH is also incredibly resourceful at times. He managed to get scholarships, loans, some employment, and even grants, which has all helped. And even though I cry sometimes with worry for our future, the fact is that right now, in the present, everyone is fed, clothed, and well-entertained. And by this time next year, my DH will be a fully-fledged graduate and hopefully employed full time! I'm not ready to let go of 2011 yet. Time sometimes feels like its rushing past me. My boys are growing too fast. I have some things to look forward to in 2012, like the birth of my next niece, and DH being done school. But I have things I'm not, like surgery on my cyst in Feb. Everytime I think of that my stomach turns over. I'm looking forward to being pain-free finally, but I'm TERRIFIED of going under anesthetic. And believe it or not I'm also NOT looking forward to DH finishing school. He enjoys school. He's happiest in school. When he's happy, I'm happier. He's around more too. When he's working, he's gone for almost twelve hours a day. It's nice when he's around for the boys, not just to say hello and goodnight. In 2011 we also travelled to Disney. As much as the old lady annoyed us, we will never forget that vacation and will forever be grateful for that. Those are memories that we will hang onto forever. I started 2011 with a broken wrist. So, not so great there, but it's fine now, so that's good? And I didn't do many dishes for about 8 weeks, which is definitely good. I guess I will just half to say that this year is one of those years that depends on whether you see the glass as half-empty or half-full. And I like to think that most of the time, I try to see the half-full point of view.

Thanksgiving Weekend

Thanksgiving.....

A time for...

Leisurely walks with your cousins...

One last dig in the sand...

Or swim... (if you're brave enough!)

The sights and sounds of busy chipmunks...

Playing in the warm sun with cousins...

Having a snooze wherever you happen to lie down...

And a very long trip home!

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving weekend!!

Camping Trip

In the past few days, I've been perusing my favourite internet shopping sites and looking to see if they have started selling winter and skiing gear. **ducks head**
I know, I know, you are screaming at me that I'm crazy.
It's not that I can't wait for winter, because I can, it's just that I do love window shopping online, and as I've said before, my secret obsession is buying outerwear.
Yes, I'm weird.
The number of times I actually purchase anything is really minimal, but I can still dream, right?
Anyhow, back to summer.
We have only one week left until school begins, and I'm still unsure as to whether I'm happy or sad about that. More sad, I think.
In an effort to take advantage of the good weather while it's still here, we decided to go camping last weekend in Arrowhead Provincial Park that is in Huntsville.
We had a pretty good time, even though my DH really doesn't like car camping. He says it's not "real" camping, but sleeping in a tent practically on the ground, having to hike to the bathroom and cooking outdoors is real enough for me.
When I was a kid, my dad used to take my sister N and I camping quite a bit. I don't really remember many camping trips involving my younger siblings (S and A), nor my mother, so I'm guessing she declined a lot in favour of staying behind with the littler ones and a comfortable bed and private washroom. We used to take hikes through the woods, and my dad would point out all the flora and fauna and fungi that he could identify, and the ones he couldn't as well. Any love of nature I have is due to him. I think if he had never done this, exposed us to camping and nature, I really wouldn't be very outdoorsy at all. And I'm pretty lacking in that area as it is. So, thank you Dad.
The coolest part of our nature hikes were looking at all the fungi and mushrooms. We really don't know any names of any of them, but always found them fun to look at and poke. Here are some pictures of our trip and wildlife. Sorry they are all out of order and mixed up. I still can't figure out how to get them the way I want...Hope you like 'em!

At the falls in the park. The sign says "no swimming" but everyone does anyway. Who can resist a natural jacuzzi?

Some awesome fungi. I really like the one above, it looks like lacy coral to me.

Above, the boys climbing the falls (probably not the best idea), and below, L holding a salamander found in a rotting log.

Below, a shot from our canoe ride.

The falls again.

R taking a turn to paddle the canoe. He did really well!

This guy (a great blue heron) was hanging out at the bottom of the falls watching everyone watching him.

Ow, again.

Today I'm lying in bed and trying to stem the pain radiating from my right side. I'm using Tylenol, Advil, and a hot water bottle to help. Earlier I actually took one of my T-3's, around 7:00 a.m. and promptly passed out until about 10:30! It's been a very long time since I slept in that long!
So what is my deal? I thought that I had actually posted this, but turns out I didn't. It was still in my drafts. So go read it please, and then you will know.
It's back.
Well, I guess it never really went away. It's just flared up again.
I'm feeling rather guilty being miserable about something so trivial. Especially given that I know so many people worse off than this. My friend Cindy, my hero really, of Running Out Of Hands just gave birth naturally to her fourth child! Ok, she's not worse off, she's gloriously blessed and happy, I just mean she went through way more pain, I'm sure, than I'm in.
And my Dad's GF is in the hospital after falling down a flight of stairs and totally shattering her wrist and elbow, and had to have seven hours of surgery to fix it.
And of course there's my dear, sweet niece M, who has now completed her radiation and has to play the waiting game to see if it helped at all.
So really, I shouldn't complain. Things could be worse. I'm actually worried that they will get worse. Last time this happened I was in pain for three days. I only have two days right now to be in pain. The third day is Monday, and I can't afford to be in pain that day. And I'm a little worried that I screwed myself over by canceling my doctor appt last week. Obviously the problem is still here and needs attention. Damn.
While I'm very glad we didn't have plans to do anything today that I would have had to cancel, it still feels like such a waste of a day. I haven't dressed, and I've been lying in bed or on the couch the whole time. The house needs to be cleaned, there's shopping to be done as well as laundry, and tomorrow we're supposed to go over to my mom's for a BBQ. It's my nan's last weekend here in Canada before she returns home to UK. I really don't want to back out of that, I've only seen her twice since she arrived at the end of June. Truthfully I don't know how many more times I'll see her at all, she's 85 now. But I don't know how I can stand an almost hour and a half car ride feeling like this.
Guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens tonight.

Summer Days

Hey, long time no see! LOL! It's been a week or so since my last post, so that's not too bad, right? Things around here have been busy as usual for summer. The daycare is busy of course, with the 2 yr old, Kadybug everyday, the two P brothers, C&E (5 & 6.5) and nearly 2 Miss Mack. I haven't had the almost 3 J, thank God! I'm hoping his mom is toilet training him as we speak! And C (9) and his sis A (6) have been away for almost 4 weeks now due to their mom having back trouble and being home from work, and also they have been at camp. I won't have to deal with them until the last week of July! HOORAY!! C is a huge pain in my ass, as you may know. And A is ok, but being the only girl and a bit of a princess (too good to play with the boys) she drives me nuts by following me around all day! Miss Mack doesn't come everyday, but she is a good playmate for Kadybug. The numbers are nice for now. I'm not looking forward to adding two more...sigh.
So L and R have been ok so far. Not too many, "I'm BOOOOOORRRED"'s yet! They both had upset stomachs in the middle of the night a few days ago, and I thought we were going to have to deal with a stomach virus, but they seemed fine the next morning. Then last night L had diarrhea and was complaining of stomach pain, and also he was burping up horrible rotten egg smelling sulphurous burps! The smell was disgusting! I can't imagine how nasty the taste was. (TMI?) R has had this before, twice actually and he ends up puking a couple of times after a few hours, a horrible rancid smelling puke (I know, puke stinks but this is beyond gross). I have no idea what it is, other than researching on the internet and finding out it may Giardia. Anyway, L was distraught when I told him he may end up puking. So I got him very reluctantly to drink some baking soda mixed into water (it was recommended on several chats regarding this egg burp, and it couldn't hurt so why not?) Ok, if you've ever tasted baking soda in water ladies, you'll know it has a very, VERY familiar taste....relating to oral sex....s'all I'm sayin'...
I also decided to go against medical advice and gave him a teaspoon of Pepto. They say now kids shouldn't have it, because of the same dangers as giving them Aspirin, but I had it all the time as a kid and I'm fine. Plus, he didn't have a fever, so I wasn't too worried about him getting this Reye's syndrome. And it seemed to help. He slept all night, and ate breakfast, but I'm not going to say he's cured until he goes to the bathroom again.
Monday this week I had an unexpected day off. It was really nice. I was only supposed to have Kadybug, but her dad wanted to spend the day with her (Awwwwwwww) and so she stayed home. My mom, nan and nephew T came over, and we took the kids to the splash pad. It was so nice to spend time with T without his mom around (sorry N, I did miss you though...). Kids are always different without their parents around, mine too, I'm sure. Instead of being sucky and clingy to Mommy, T took my hand and led me all around the splash park, smiling and laughing with me. It was so cute. Then later when we got home, he and L went upstairs and played together. That was sweet. Usually I see R being the more "brotherly" figure to his cousins, but it was really great to see L in that role.
After they left, I took the boys to a local public pool and we went swimming. So, lots of water Monday! I'm wondering if L picked up some bacteria or virus from one of those places....I've had a weird itchy rash on the underside of my right arm since...hmmmm....
I started the kids on their new summer workbooks. L is not too happy with that, of course, seeing as how he hates school so much, but he needs it the most. The P Bros don't mind, especially E who is going into SK. He has already flown through the first part of his book. I'm going to have to get him another! R and L got thicker ones, containing much of the Canadian Curriculum. It's not the Ontario curriculum, but whatever. As long as they're learning/reviewing something and it's not too American (meaning history, spellings and currency) then I'm happy. We usually do this in the summer, and start off with gusto, and that wanes and fades. It's a lot of work for me, having all these kids needing help and all being different levels. I really don't know how home-schooling moms do it! One kid, yeah, maybe two, meh, but more? I couldn't do that full time!!
Today I was supposed to have a follow-up Dr. appt. for my cyst problem. Not sure if I blogged about that or not.... Anyhow, about a month and a half ago, I was in terrible pain and went to the ER thinking I had a kidney stone or something. Turns out ovarian cysts. I was told to go to my doctor and have him make an appt for a U/S in two weeks. I laughed hard at that, and it wasn't because I was stoned on morphine either. Our Dr. NEVER has appts. As you can tell, my follow-up appt was for more than a month later - today. However, due to the fact that I couldn't get the day off, I have had to cancel it. I tried to ask the parents to find alternate care, but I made two big mistakes:
One, is that I neglected to ask them right away. It just slipped my mind, so I ended up asking them last week. Kinda short notice.
Two, is that because I was an idiot, I felt bad about asking them for time off at such short notice and I ended up telling both sets that if they couldn't find alternate care to "not worry about it". I sort of figured that at least one set of parents would be compliant, and that would help me out, but of course, Murphy's Law, neither one of them did. Well, actually, the one set of parents I'm pretty sure completely forgot to try. Typical.
So last night I debated and debated and this morning I debated and debated. Take five kids to the Dr. with me? Or cancel? The baby is no prob. She's easy to take anywhere. My two, fine. But the P Bros? They are good boys but combined with my own two lately and they have been quite the foursome to handle. Very rambunctious and loud and giggly and silly and at times, a little out of hand. I really didn't know if they would behave being left in the waiting room by themselves. It wasn't something I felt comfortable with. Plus, my truck only fits four kids. R would have had to ride in the front seat, something I don't mind if we're just going around the corner to the school or the local beach, but not for a +20 minute drive through town. I can't turn the airbag off in that vehicle.
But cancelling means that I don't get taken care of. I feel alright now of course, but something tells me that this is more of a chronic thing rather than a one-off. And cancelling means no appt again for months. Sigh.
So I called this morning and cancelled. It wasn't worth risking my child's safety or my own sanity. I called around 9:15. The office opens at 9, but apparently they don't answer the phones until 9:30 (WTF?). These people drive me nuts. It's like they try to work as little as possible, and get max. amount of money for it. Sheesh. So they are open Tues, Wed and Thurs from 9 to 4, that's only 7 hours, and really it's only 6 hours because they are closed from 12 to 1 for lunch! They are only open from 9 to 12 on Fridays. On top of that, they don't answer the phone until 9:30? Why? How do they get any business done. It's no wonder we are struggling in our city with sooooo many people without regular healthcare.
Anyhow, the thing that pissed me off was that when I called and listened to their long message before I could leave mine, I heard them say that I would be charged a fee for a missed appt, or one cancelled with less than 24 hrs notice. WTF?! There is no way in hell that I am paying any God Damn fee!! It's not like they couldn't fill the missed appointment. I'm sure anyone on their very long list of patients waiting for appts would gladly take my place. If they send me a bill, I'm going to rip it up and mail it back to them. They make me wait all this time for a simple appointment, and then they have the nerve to tell me I have to pay a fee for missing it? NO WAY.

My Weekend Off

Last weekend I had three glorious days to myself. Well, not completely to myself. I did see other family members, but I had the house to myself, the bed to myself, the tv, computer and peace and quiet ALL TO MYSELF.
And it was wonderful.
On Thursday night, DH and the boys packed up and were gone by 7:00 to the cottage until Sunday. After they left, I went around to our local burger joint and grabbed myself some dinner. I sat and ate without interruptions, without having to yell at anyone to, "Just. Get. Eating!", and watched what I liked on tv. Not that there was much on. Afterward, I contemplated contacting a friend and having a movie night, but I was just so tired. I kept falling asleep on the couch. Go figure.
Finally I went up to bed and awaited my phone call letting me know that they had arrived safely.
Friday morning came fast, I find I always sleep so much better without anyone else in the bed with me. I kept having dreams all weekend though that my weekend was being ruined by either A) me giving in and going up to the cottage, or B) they all came home early!
Friday, being Canada Day, meant that not much was open, so no temptation for me to go out shopping. I started the ENORMOUS task of cleaning the house. Why, you ask, would you spend your weekend off cleaning? Because my house desperately needed it. And because it's so much easier to clean when no one else is here following me around making a mess right after me. And because looking at a completely clean house is oh, so satisfying as well as knowing it will stay that way for at least the next two days. Plus, I don't mind cleaning nearly as much when I can keep going on task (no interruptions) and I can blare my music at the same time.
After a full day of cleaning (and no, I never really finished) I took a shower and awaited my Dad's arrival. He was coming over to spend some quality time with his favourite first-born child.
Dad and I went out to eat at my new favourite Thai restaurant here in town. I can't eat there normally, as my DH is allergic to peanuts and most other nuts, and the boys are not that adventurous beyond pizza and chicken nuggets, so it was a real treat for me.
After, we strolled along the main street downtown where they had lots of vendors and bands playing for Canada Day. We stopped for a quick drink at a local bar/brewery, and then went to claim a spot along the waterfront for the fireworks later. It was a really great "date" with my dad.
Saturday, I got up later, cleaned a little bit more, then ran some errands. I really didn't have enough time to do all I was supposed to because I was too lazy to get out of bed at a decent hour, and I hurried off to go see my mom, nan, sisters, nephew and nieces. It was a lovely visit, and my mom had a bbq with lots of salads and stuff. It felt nice and a little bit evil to be getting just my own food and sitting and eating peacefully without having to make sure my children had food, a decent amount of the healthy stuff, and were eating it. My sisters were of course, running around tending to their flock while I sat back and ate. Nice.
I stayed at my mom's until almost ten, visiting with her and my nan (her mom who is over from England) and didn't have to worry about getting home at a decent time to get anyone to bed.
Sunday came quickly and I got moving with some more chores I needed to do. The family got home around 3, and I went out shortly after to grocery shop, enjoying a few more minutes of "aloneness".
Some things I learned from this weekend:

• DH was wrong when he said, "It won't help." It did me a world of good. I'm not saying I'm supermom now, or that I have an endless well of patience, but even the time apart from me was helpful for L, I think.
• It wasn't enough time. I really could have used a couple more days. Does it make me a bad mom to say that I didn't even miss them? I think I was too busy to. But I didn't. When they got home, it felt to me as though they had just left.
  
• I didn't even miss DH. Not sure if that's a bad sign or not. I do think that if he had come home alone, leaving the boys with his mom for the rest of the week or something, it would have been nice too. We still need some time together, which I really need to arrange somehow.
  
• If I was a SAHM (meaning without having to work from home!) I think my house would be really clean!
• Even if I had two weeks alone, my house still wouldn't be clean. The more I cleaned and did the basic stuff (wash floors, vacuum, clean toilets, etc.) the more stuff I noticed that needed to be done; I need to clean the light fixtures, wash the cupboards down, clean the windows, wash the blinds, clean the screens, and so on....I'm ashamed to admit, that things like cleaning light fixtures and blinds, NEVER get done around here. NEVER. I'm too busy. I really have a hard time keeping up with the normal cleaning, that stuff is secondary, and when I do have a moment, I'd far rather curl up with a good story, or do something with the family.
• If I was a SAHM, I think I'd lose weight. Weird? Here's my reasoning: I noticed this weekend that I stress-eat. And I eat out of boredom. When I'm working, when I have other kids here, I can't do things like get involved with cleaning. I have to watch them. I can sit on my ipod, or the computer in the same room with them, still interact with them and still watch them, but I can't physically leave and go vacuum the bedrooms upstairs (or clean the light fixtures, LOL!) I can however, take short trips upstairs to the kitchen. At which point I satisfy cravings for things I've stashed away, or things I've baked. I do believe that if my kids were in school all day while I was here, I'd be cleaning, or running errands, or volunteering, and I wouldn't be as stressed out over kids' behaviours etc, and I'd be too busy to mooch stuff to eat. Over the weekend, I barely had a snack at all. On Sunday I skipped lunch and grabbed a yogurt as I ran around trying to finish cleaning. Hell, I'd probably even have time to actually join a gym! Sadly, I'll probably never have the chance to find out my theory, so I guess I'll just have to continue fighting with my willpower.

So when's my next weekend alone? Who knows. I'm severely tempted to stay home EVERY time they go to the cottage. They really didn't seem to miss me, nor I them, so what is the point of me going? Only DH wants me there really, so he can relax while I watch the boys. I guess we'll see what happens next time the cottage gets brought up. It would be nice though, a girl can dream...

This Weekend

My plan for this weekend has me all torn up inside. Recently, as you may know from my previous blog, I have been pretty stressed out with the kids, specifically L. I do ok during the week and then the weekend comes along and I find myself yelling, seething, and constantly losing my patience.
And it's scaring me.
I don't want to be that mom. I don't want to be.....my mom.
I hesitate to write that, because I love her so much. She was a great mother. But most of my memories of my older childhood are of her yelling. A lot.
I can't blame her. She was a stay-at-home (mostly) mom of four kids. My dad worked, often long hours. We had a limited budget. Many, many things that will stress a mom out. And although she had many friends, I don't think she had a large support network. She didn't have ECE training, or parenting magazines, or the internet to help her learn new ways to deal with different situation. (Ok, that sounds conceited. I'm not trying to say that I'm a better mom than she was just because I have ECE training, I just maybe have more insight into some situations.) She did the best she could. But my memories are of a grumpy mom. I specifically remember loving the holidays (vacations or Christmas) because that's when my mom would be happier.
And that proves the old adage: Happy mom, happy kids.
So back to my dilemma, what's tearing me up. Last weekend, I found myself crying, and telling myself that I really needed a break. And that I would take one.
DH is planning to go to the cottage this weekend. As you know, not my favourite place, but it is his. For you Americans, it is a long weekend here; Canada Day is July 1st, and happens to fall on a Friday this year. So that means DH would probably leave and go up to the cottage on Thurs night.
I told him yesterday that I wasn't going.
DH- "WHY?" (now looking very disgruntled)
Me- "I really need a break. I really need this if I am going to spend the next nine weeks surrounded by kids and fighting."
DH - silence.
Me- "What are you thinking?"
DH- "I'm just disappointed I guess."
Here's where I'm thinking, Does he want me to come because he will miss me? or Does he want me to come because he knows this means he's left with the kids on his own?
I thought I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. I assumed he meant he wanted to be with me. So I offered a compromise. "Why don't we give the kids to your mom, and we could have the weekend to ourselves?" (We haven't had that in, well, forever.)
DH - (in an almost whiny tone) "But I really want to go to the cottage."
Ok, fine. Guess that answers my question. So apparently, my needs are not important. It doesn't matter that I'm stressed. It doesn't matter that we haven't had couple time in forever. It only matters that he gets what he wants. So now I'm made to feel guilty for wanting some sanity. For wanting to regain my composure, to feel like an adult instead of a mom.
Part of me is saying that it's not as bad as all that. Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. We aren't very good communicators. Probably because I bottle everything up out of past experiences of learning that being emotional gets me nowhere with him. He is very stubborn. And if he does give in to what I want, he will sulk and be sullen about it, for AGES!! Boy that guy can hold a grudge! So I probably should talk to him, and let him know that us spending alone time together is very important to us as a couple.
But then there's the selfish part of me that wants to be ALONE alone. No one else. Free to have the whole bed, to eat when I want, to eat what I want (not what I think is a decent compromise of all the family's likes and dislikes), to run on my own schedule. To have NO schedule! So I don't know if I want to change his mind...Plus that selfish part wants him to suffer. I want him to see what I go through. Of course knowing my luck, the boys will be angels all weekend. They'll save it all up for when they get home.
So there is another reason I want to stay home. It's my mom's birthday on Sunday, my nephew T's 2nd birthday tomorrow, and my Nan is arriving from England for her annual summer visit. Three good reasons to go visit with my family this weekend. And due to the holiday, we almost ALWAYS miss my mom's birthday. And I feel awful about that. I want to celebrate with her. She deserves it.
So what, you say, is my problem?
I feel bad. I feel like a horrible mother for not wanting to be with my kids. I feel like I'm letting them down, that I'm giving them some idea that I can't stand them. And I know I'll miss them. Especially when I'm hearing or watching the fireworks here in town on Friday night. But, it's not enough to make me go with them.
I think.
Maybe.
We'll see.

Irritated

Sorry, this is a griping and complaining sort of blog entry. Pretty whiny, all things considered.
But I'm annoyed.
At, you might guess DH, but no, The Nan.
She called tonight, around 5:30. I hesitated to answer the phone, as I always do when I see her name pop up. I know it's mean, but it almost always means she wants something from DH. Something time-consuming, mostly. But I talked myself into answering it for a couple of reasons. One, she lives with DH's mom and dad, so when the name pops up, it's not always her (although usually it is) and I really don't mind having a chat with his mom. Two, I have to keep reminding myself that she is old, and she can't help that her mind is "going", and karma can be a bitch if I don't remember this.
Why, oh why did I not listen to my instincts this time? I knew that she had only just called last week to ask how we were all doing. So she had to have been calling because she wanted something. It was too soon for another, "How are you?" call.
She simply asked me if DH was home (not yet) and to call her when he was. I really should have "forgotten" to pass the message on.
Turns out, she wanted him to drive to Richmond Hill where they live to go car shopping! WTF? She wants to go NOW, because some Ford promotion ends tonight.
Really? She couldn't have called several weeks ago to ask him when a good time would be? She had to wait until the last minute, of the last day of the promotion? And, incidentally, what promotion ends on a Tuesday?? Or, the 14th of the month?
And why does HE have to go? We all know how pig-headed and stubborn she is, it's not like she's going to listen to anything he says! She could easily have dragged out DH's dad and not listened to his advice instead. He does live with her, and wouldn't have to drive for an hour to get there.
He had just got home from work, plus he had cut the grass, and wolfed down his dinner. The boys got to see their dad for about 10 minutes as he inhaled his meal.
I SO hate this! This....this....power, I guess, that she has over him. Well, that his whole family seems to have over him. He is at her beck and call. What is with that? Why couldn't he have just told her no, I'm sorry, I'm busy? To call and expect him to jump and run immediately there is unbelievable! And unfair! She is so irritating!!

The Worst Day Of Our Lives So Far

My mind is in a whirlwind. Consequently, my body is feeling strangely detached. I am going through the motions, almost like I've been on some kind of heavy painkiller for the day. I'm tired of crying, and my head hurts from it. Today, at 6:00 a.m., I received a phone call from my sister. Everyone who has a telephone knows that phone calls at odd hours can never be good. Unless you're expecting good news, like, "The baby is finally here!" You hear that phone ring, and your stomach lurches up into your esophagus. Your heart starts to pound at three times its normal rate. And I received the worst news via telephone that I've ever had in my life. My four-year-old niece, M, is in Sick Kids Hospital. She has a mass in her brain. Oh. God. I had been talking to my sister N the previous day, and she was telling me about these strange symptoms that M has, that they've recently noticed. Her face was drooping on one side, and she had been talking out of one side of her mouth, almost like a stroke victim. Not only that, but she seemed weak on the left side of her body, unable to squeeze your hand firmly or balance on her left leg. My sis and BIL took her to the family doctor, who diagnosed Bell's Palsy. However, the symptoms didn't all fit. Bell's Palsy ONLY affects the face, and M was having trouble with the entire left side of her body. But the doctor, being stubborn, brushed off the other symptoms because they weren't that pronounced and didn't fit her diagnosis. Heaven forbid a doctor should be wrong! M was referred to a pediatrician, but around here, those are few and far between. You only see a pediatrician if you have a problem that needs monitoring and appointments are hard to get. My sis and BIL didn't get an appointment for M until the middle of June. So last night my BIL took M to the emerg at Sick Kids. They did a CT scan, and that's when they found the mass in her brain. My sis left my nephew T with my mom and my dad took her down. My brother A was actually with my BIL giving him support. As of yet, here's what I know. She has had a CT scan. There is a mass that appears to be on the brain stem. The neurologist said he was fairly confident it was cancerous, and that given the location, inoperable. The oncologist apparently talked to my sis and BIL for quite a while and my BIL gave my dad the impression that he seemed more hopeful than the neurologist. It's not 100% sure that it is malignant, but that's not ruled out yet. She will shortly be going for an MRI to determine more, and we won't have those results until this evening. I am sick to my stomach with this news. I can't eat. I can't think. I can only imagine what my sister is going through. When R was just three, we had him in Sick Kids. He had been crying with pain in his stomach for a day and a half. We had him at the hospital, and appendicitis was ruled out, and he was given an enema for constipation. Well, I knew my little boy, and he was never constipated, so I knew that wasn't the problem. However, they sent him home and said he'd be fine in a while. He wasn't. He was crying in pain, waking up from a dead sleep crying. He had no fever, no vomitting, it wasn't a virus. So I took him back to the ER and demanded more tests. I knew there was something wrong with him. After they gave him an x-ray and ultrasound, they saw a mass in his abdomen. The doctors at our hospital had never seen anything like it, they actually had to call Sick Kids to ask about it. At that point, he was taken by ambulance in the middle of the night to Sick Kids. So I know a little of what my sis is going through. I know that heart-stopping, gut-clenching fear. That switch in your brain that suddenly turns your emotions off and commands you to move on, because this really isn't happening to you. That night I had to go home. DH went with R to Sick Kids, but we had an 8-month-old waiting for us at home that was still breast-feeding. I had to go home and go to bed not knowing what was happening and what would become of my precious little boy. My DH had it worse. He had to explain, over again to the doctors, the technicians, whoever, what was happening. He had to keep calm a scared and in pain little boy. He had to hold him down while they inserted tubes and needles and a naso-gastric tube that made him puke. And he had to worry alone. R was taken to surgery the next day. The fantastic staff at Sick Kids removed a mass that had probably been growing there since he was a baby. It was benign. Fairly harmless, and something that just happens. The pain was because it was finally big enough to be putting pressure somewhere. He spent a week in the hospital, because that kind of surgery has to be monitored afterwards very carefully. They even showed us pictures of the operation the staff had taken with a digital camera. His guts were splayed out, on top of his stomach, outside of his body while they worked. It was gross, horrifying and fascinating all at the same time. Only for a micro-second during the whole ordeal did I let my mind entertain the thought of the C-word. It was too awful to think about. But for that micro-second, I know what I felt. And to think that N is going through that right now is heart-wrenching. She is hearing that word, over and over and over again. It's hard to imagine the world without M. I don't know how my sis and BIL will get through that, if it happens. And I'm not being negative here, or at least trying not to be, but sometimes I think we have to prepare our brains for the worst case scenario. I googled "brain tumor" a LOT this morning. I googled many variations. I learned that there are many different kinds of brain tumors. I also learned, when I typed in the location "brain stem" as well as "tumor" and "cancer", that the prognosis isn't good. Very low survival rate, very low cure rate. Basically, treatment is only to prolong the person's life, not to save it. I'm not a religious person. I have no faith in God, Jesus, or otherwise. I have some belief that we are all part of the same entity, the same energy, that we are all connected somehow. I also believe that positive thoughts can help, which is what praying can be for some people. At times like this, since I was brought up a church-goer, my first thought is to turn to prayer. But I don't believe in praying in the traditional sense, it's just a gut reflex. I will however keep the belief that we will all get through this together. I must believe that this isn't as bad as it initially seems to be. So I am asking you all, however you deal with these sorts of tragedies, to please keep my niece and family in your thoughts. If you pray, please pray. Both of my sisters do still have faith in God, so they will appreciate it. If you believe in sending "good vibes", please do. I do believe that positive thoughts and energy will help, however much we can get.

Quarantine??

I know you're probably all tired of listening to me whine and moan about my issues, and even my DH says I'm looking for trouble. So I'm trying to take advice of others to heart, and thank you all for your advice and comments (either through the blog, or emails). L's ear feels fine to him so far, after almost a week of being on cefzil (I think that was the name), but we will take him to the germ factory otherwise known as the clinic to get his ear looked at again on Monday. (And he will be instructed to NOT TOUCH ANYTHING while we're there!)
This weekend I'm hoping to accomplish a lot of my To Do list, providing no one gets sick, that is. And speaking of that, is it weird that I want to encase my family in a giant plastic bubble for the week? All I've heard lately is "this person is sick" or "my friend's kid is sick" or "we were all sick last week" from everyone I talk to as well as friends' postings on Facebook.
Ugh.
To top it off, one of the girls I look after, S, was up all night last night puking, dry heaving and crapping. Oh god. She was here, at my house, ALL DAY yesterday! It totally makes me want to go bleach my whole house. Instead, I'm sitting here blogging about it. Not that I have a choice, I have three kids under 3 today, so it's not like I can leave them unsupervised while I go upstairs and disinfect for the next two hours. But mark my words, I will be doing some of that for sure once they're in bed. Thank god for naptime!!
The three toddlers in question have colds now. I've been wiping their noses all week. I don't know if this is the cold I had the week before, or a new one. I wish there was someway to tell, like some sort of colour-coding to the snot pouring out of their noses.
"Oh I see J has blue snot, that's the same as M and me last week, but C's is purple so that's a different virus."
That would be kinda handy. At least I'd know I was either fairly safe from getting it again or quite likely to get another virus.
So the question is, what next? I seriously want to keep my kids away from all other children and dirty contaminated surfaces for the next week. It makes me want to pull them out of school for the start of next week. But considering they're already going to be missing a week of school already, I'm not so sure I should. Maybe the teachers could send their work home to me? Hmmm... However, I'd also need to close the daycare in order for us to truly be quarantined and that's not going to happen so ingress there's not much point. Only at home, I can nag them more about washing their hands. So, what to do, what to do…

Stressed!

I am so stressed out, I can't help it. I'm trying not to be, I'm trying not to see the negative and look for the positive, but it's not working and I'm failing miserably. Every day that the trip looms closer, my blood pressure goes up in direct relation. And what, exactly, is the problem you may ask?
Money.
What else but money? It's my stressor extrordinaire . Of course, I'm thinking about a million other things at the same time, and that isn't helping.
Like, how L developed a screaming ear infection on the weekend like no other he's had before, and just when I thought we were all on the mend. So now I'm stressed that all the fluid trapped in there won't be cleared out by the time we have to board a plane, especially since I asked the walk-in dr. guy if he was going to be alright to get on a plane in ten days and he just shrugged his shoulders.
What if we go get L's ear checked next week and the doctor says he'll be in extreme pain if we try to fly? How do
I crush my whole family's hearts by telling them we can't go on the trip of our lifetime ( so far, anyway)? What if he looks ok at the doctor's but upon descent the poor kid is in screaming agony?? I could barely stand listening to him crying for two solid hours on Sunday. I don't think my heart could take it knowing how much pain he would be in.
And then there is the constant running list of things to do/buy/pack before we go, running through my mind like endless movie credits on a screen. And yes, I've made lists but it doesn't help. Because even when I make lists for shopping, I always still seem to miss items. So I'm afraid I'll forget something.
Of course I'm worried about things I can't control, like the weather, and someone getting sick.
Sickness. That's a HUGE one, as you probably know.
And the weather, well, I'm just being a complainer I know, but it's bothering me that every time I look up the long term forecast for Orlando it says the week we're there is slightly colder and rainier than it has been there for the past month! Why? Why OUR week?
And back to the money.
God I hate money. I'm still worried that we're going to end up spending more money than we have (which is basically anything over a dollar) on food, even though we were told that we wouldn't have to. I mean, it kind of goes against the grain really, being that dependent on someone else. It's not like I'm 14 and telling my parents I'm hungry and can I have some money for a snack. We can't do that. It'll be too weird. And what if we split up most days, and end up on our own (sans grandma) for lunch? As if we're going to say, "Ok, we'll meet you back here at say, 4:00, and by the way, we'll need $40 for lunch please." Do you see where I'm going with this? Each day will still cost us money for food.
So I'm now thinking about that, and trying to plan grocery shopping when we get there so we can pack lunches and stuff. And then my mind starts me thinking about packing containers, ziploc baggies, etc, and here we go with the mind credits again.
I was sitting and trying to pay some bills online, when I opened our gas bill and it's over $400!!
WHAT?!?!?!
Upon closer inspection, and I still have yet to verify this, it appears that we didn't have a bill last month and that this is a bill for two months a la Powerstream (our hydro). So now they've adopted this awful awful plan of billing us only every two months so that I can have a small MCI every time I open a bill.
Fun.
But how did I miss that? I don't remember reading anything telling me they were doing this now. And why did I not notice the fact that we didn't have an Enbridge bill last month?
Oh yeah, because I was too busy hyperventilating over taxes, which we still haven't filed. And being stressed about an upcoming trip.
To top it all off, I'm basically a single mom these days due to the fact that DH is busy busy with studying for exams and schoolwork and stuff.
What stuff? I don't know.
I just know that if the roles were reversed and I was the one in school, I would still be having to do all the cooking and laundry and cleaning.
Just sayin'.

Disney Details

I promised details of our Disney trip and now that it is all booked, here you go!

We are flying Air Transat (not my first choice, but really, beggars can't be choosers!) and thank God it is a non-stop flight! Our flight leaves at something like 7:00 in the morning, so it's going to be a long day! We are thinking that we'll stay over at the in-laws, since that's where the Nan lives, and then just go from there at 4:00 a.m. or whatever God-awful hour we have to go. I am going to put the kids to bed in their clothes so they don't have to do too much dressing when we wake them, just shoes and a jacket hopefully. I'm really hoping they'll go back to sleep in the car, but I'm not holding my breath on that one.

We are going for one week, and it'll be over Easter break so there are two less days that I need to take off. We are staying in a condo/resort-type-place, and it has three bedrooms and two bathrooms and a kitchen. Oh, and laundry too, so I won't have to pack too many clothes, we can just do a load or two and re-wear outfits. The downside to this place is that it's not like a hotel and there is no maid service, only if you pay extra for it. I don't really care about that, as I regularly live in filth and disarray, but I wasn't so sure about the Nan. So I made sure that DH mentioned it to her, so she didn't ream out the front desk staff when she found her bed unmade and no fresh towels in the bathroom. Or if she wants to pay extra for a cleaning, that's her prerogative. I won't be. I can go waaaaaaaayyyyyy longer than a week without cleaning! LOL!

The best part about this place (I think, since we haven't gone there yet) is the pool. Check it out! Sorry, I know the image is tiny but I had to steal it off the Facebook page for the resort. But look at that pirate ship! Isn't that just neat-o? I really hope that we get some nice weather so we can enjoy the pool to the fullest!


So now we have to decide when to tell the boys. As I said, we have to tell them with the Nan present, which I totally support, but also a pain because she lives an hour away! So we can't just decide, "Oh, today seems like a good day!" At first, I thought it wouldn't be too hard to keep it a secret, but DH was skeptical. I wrote all the daycare parents a note, telling them I'd be taking time off and asking them to please keep the secret and please not tell their own children either. It seems to be working so far...but....
Last weekend we were shopping in one of my favourite kids' clothing stores, Please Mum , and DH slipped across the mall hallway to check out the prices of Disney tickets at the Disney Store. As I was yelling at coaxing the kids to try on bathing suits in the changeroom at the back of the store, he was on the phone to the Nan relaying the info he'd gleaned. After we came out of the changeroom, the gloriously overly-pushy and insanely nosy store clerk showed me some zip-off pants, and proceeded to announce very loudly to the boys, "So I hear you're going to Florida? These would be GREAT for the plane!!" at which point I looked at her with a death glare and in a completely unsubtle manner (no, I'm no actress) screamed replied, "We're not going to Florida! Oh no, not us!!"

Luckily, she caught on quickly to her stupidity and backtracked saying, "Oh, that was someone else I was thinking of!"

Luckily, my children aren't suspicious of anything, because it's just so completely out of the realm of believable things that we would even consider going. They know that, and hold no hope (I think).

And luckily (and I can't believe I am saying this), they hate hate HATE shopping and I don't think they were even paying attention, as they were off standing at the entrance to the store praying that their mother would hurry her ass up and end their torture toute suite!

It would really suck to have to go and tell the Nan that her surprise was ruined by an extremely nosy store clerk! (Seriously, who listens in on other people's phone conversations and then comments on them?!! That's totally admitting to your own rudeness and lack of manners!) Conversely, it would really suck to have to convince the boys to be surprised for a second time (yeah, their acting skills are as good as mine!)

So those are the details thus far. We plan to do Disney for about four days, I think. One park each day. We're debating about a fifth, in case we missed something, but we're also debating about Universal. It's just as expensive though, so I'm not sure about that. Perhaps Sea World. Any thoughts from anyone that's been there?

Some Thoughts

Last week, my brother A's girlfriend's sister passed away. (You got that? Confusing, I know.) Now, you know that I've mentioned before that my brother and I are kind of distant now, we don't communicate and I'm assuming that since the only details of his life I get are through various postings on Facebook and random reports from my other family members, that he is getting about the same amount of info about me.

Up until Christmas, when one of my sisters mentioned to me the reason for A's absence from our own family's Xmas celebrations was that he wanted to spend it with his girlfriend and her sister, who was "having a hard time" (meaning she was depressed and as I was told, suffering from an eating disorder), I had no idea his girlfriend even had a sister. So that's how much I know about his life. I have met his girlfriend a handful of times and we have talked, I just didn't remember any mention of a sister.

So when my dad called me last weekend to let me know about this poor girl's passing (yes, she committed suicide), I was kind of like, ooohhkaaaaayy...I felt awkward. I didn't really know what to say. I've never met the girl, and didn't really know of her existence. Of course, as a human, a mom and a sister myself, I was very sorry for her family and those she left behind that loved her. But I felt nothing more than I would have if I had read about a random stranger's death in a newspaper.

As A's girlfriend M is one of my "friends" on FB, I could see updates she posted about details of the remembrance ceremony and visitation and such, so I knew that they were having it this Friday. I was also able to send her a private email expressing my condolences to her and her family. **

Yesterday my sister N called me to let me know that she, sister S, Mom and Dad were all going to attend the funeral. At first I wasn't sure why she called to tell me that, but as we talked, I realized that she was thinking of my feelings and wanted to make sure that I didn't feel left out of the loop. Isn't that sweet? What a great sister she is! Of course, I don't feel that way, as they had met the deceased and her parents and I hadn't, and they also all have more of a relationship with my brother than I do, so going to the funeral hadn't even begun to cross my mind. My family was going to be there for A, which was nice, but even then I was still confused as to why. Yes, it made sense for my mom to go, even my dad, but I really couldn't see why my sisters were going. It was then that N told me that A and the girl were very close. He had considered her a little sister to him, and I had no idea!! So he is probably way more upset by this then I had originally assumed (which wasn't nice of me to assume how bereaved a person is anyway, I know.)

But after I had hung up with N, and had some time to absorb the conversation, I started to feel a little sad. Not sad that they were all going to something without me, not sad that a precious life had been taken, just sad that our relationship has become so distant that I didn't even know my brother had lost someone very close to his heart.

So I bought a sympathy card and sent it this morning. I'm very sorry for his loss, but I'm also sorry for ours, mine and his. We appear to be siblings in name only now.



**I didn't want to interrupt my thought flow, but as an aside, I wanted to write that I was appalled at people's etiquette regarding sending out condolences. I assume this is the way of the world now, but sometimes it is still appalling. I myself probably should have sent a card to M and her family, but truly, I don't know them at all and I've only met M. So I felt in the name of saving paper and in keeping up with today's ways, I would send her an email instead of a card. It was still private and personal, it just didn't come on paper. But there were countless people that posted their sympathies on Facebook. Right on the wall, complete with textspeak and emoticons!! UNBELIEVABLE! I honestly couldn't fathom how lazy and just rude it was to tell someone you are sorry for their loss like this: Hrd about ur sister, hope u guyz r ok. :( Can people not even be bothered to take two extra seconds out of their day to write out the full words?? Is M's sorrow not worth their precious time? And emoticons? Try using words to tell someone how you feel people!!

Disney Update

Yesterday I posted about Disney, and I had a friend read my post and comment about it on Facebook.
She said,"Is there any way to find out what hotel she was thinking of staying in? You could look it up and see what star it is, and if it is an all-inclusive or not. You shouldn't be afraid to ask her for more details, especially if she just said "I want to take you all to Disney with me!" You have a right, without being rude, to ask if she had any plans other than just going!"
I started to write her back, but then thought I should just post you all an update about what I was going to tell her.
Actually, the Nan is having us do all the research, but she has the final say of course. DH is looking up suites, but I don't think there is anything "all-inclusive", a la Carribean resort style. We have seen some hotels with breakfast included, but that's about it. He did ask her about meals, and it sounds like she's paying, so that's a relief. I did express all my thoughts to DH, and he agreed and said he would try to watch himself, both with her and the boys. It set my mind at ease a bit. He also asked her about the part regarding her fatigue, if she wanted to go back to the hotel early and whatnot. She simply said she would bring a book, and to "leave her on a bench and come back for her in an hour". As accommodating as that seems, I don't see that as being very realistic. I just hope we can find a hotel not too far away from the parks, as it looks as though we will be renting a car unless we're right in a Disney resort, and that way if she really wants to go, she can catch a cab or something.
DH did say that the Nan remarked that she wouldn't be waiting for anyone for breakfast, meaning, we would need to get our butts in gear quickly. Now, I don't intend to waste my days sleeping in, but I also don't want someone standing over me huffing and puffing and harping at me that they're hungry. And I know that she is OCD about her breakfast. I've seen that much from being at the cottage with her. As soon as she leaves her bed she comes out to the kitchen, and regardless of who is already in there, or if someone is cooking something, or still sleeping, or whatever, she will basically push them out of the way to get her breakfast.
See, ornery.
Anyhow, DH and I thought it would be best then to either find a hotel that does free breakfast, or has suites, with a separate bedroom and kitchenette. That way, we can have breakfast in the hotel suite and eat when we please.
I just hope that we can get all this booked. It's all well and good to have us research and decide stuff, but until we find out for sure tomorrow afternoon sometime that DH is going to be good to go for entering the States, we can only look but not touch. And stuff is filling up. One of the resorts that looks best suited has like, three rooms left or something, and the flights are getting lean too. We can't be separated on flights. Well, not too much. We can do two, two and one, but I can't leave my children alone to fend for themselves on the other side of the plane! They are definitely not seasoned travelers!

Conflicted

This weekend we had a surprise that DH's Nan sprung on us. She wants to........get this................

TAKE US TO DISNEY!!!



Why then, you may ask, am I conflicted??

Don't get me wrong, this is a wonderful opportunity and a HUGE gift! I don't really know what made her decide to spring this on us, but I think it has to do with the fact that she loves to travel, especially in the spring for some reason, and she has run out of travel partners (she is 85? I think this year). I believe she mentioned taking K, DH's sis, and MIL and FIL, but they couldn't (wouldn't?) go. I'm not sure if that makes us her last choice, or if she was trying for a large family trip.

Whatever.

I am conflicted for several reasons. And here they are:

#1. As I'm sure you heard me gripe about before, we have no money. Yes, I know she is paying for the trip, but that likely doesn't include spending money, food, and definitely doesn't include the money I'm going to lose by taking time off. No work, no pay. I'm not sure about the food part. I mean, how do you ask someone who has generously offered to take you and your family to Disney if she is also going to pay for all your food? You can't. At least not without sounding like a greedy asshole.

#2. She has decided to do it in April, possibly over Easter. Wow, that's soon. Great, in that we won't have a long wait to go on vacation, but not great in that I feel bad giving the parents so little notice of my time off and not much time to try to save anything we can (yeah, right) for all the incidentals. Not to mention give my own kids time to save up their allowances for spending money. Also great that she is thinking of us in that going over Easter break gives me a few days that I don't have to worry about time off, but not great in that it is probably going to be very busy and flights may already be full up. I don't want to be stuck flying on a flight with stopovers, or a flight that leaves at 10:00 at night. (Yes, I know, beggars can't be choosers)

#3. Do I want to stay in a hotel and share my family's first Disney experience with an 85-year-old woman? Do we all have to sleep in the same hotel room? Will we be at her mercy as far as timelines, where to go, where to eat, when to eat? She can be real ornery at times, and extremely stubborn. She and DH butt heads, and me, being a Libra wants nothing more than peace and harmony. Part of why I hate going to the cottage is the awkward tension in the air and snide comments under the breath when she and another family member get into it. And I know that there is no way that we could spend 4-7 days together (it's undetermined yet for how long) without getting on each other's nerves.
And if we do stay in the same hotel room, I just don't think my kids could behave for that amount of time. I would be so tense by the end of it from trying to keep them calm, quiet and respectful, that I would need another vacation/therapy/hospitalization afterward to recover. My kids are generally good kids, but let's face it, they're no angels. They need time to misbehave, have a whine-fest or stubborn moment, or a melt-down from over-stimulation and over-tiredness. I expect that, they're kids. But I know that the Nan will expect excellent behaviour, and DH, who always bows to his family's expectations, will be extra hard on them just to be sure they behave, which won't make it a fun experience for anyone. I'll be tense and annoyed, they'll be pouty, and DH will be...well, he doesn't forgive and forget anything very quickly.

So what to do, what to do...I need DH to convince her that we need TWO hotel rooms. I just really don't think all of us staying in one room will be very good. Never mind that it's difficult to find a hotel room that sleeps three adults! And we should stay on the resort. I know that having the free shuttle to and from Disney multiple times/day will be best. If we stay off resort, in a cheaper hotel, we'll have to rent a car, then we're all stuck at the park together until we all decide to go back. What if she's too tired? She is 85. We can go and go. And knowing that this may be the only Disney trip we get for a long, long time, I want us to make the most of it, which will probably mean spending long hours at the parks.

We do have one issue to resolve first before we can even make permanent plans. DH has to see if he can even enter the U.S. I never blogged about this before, and I won't tell all now, but he recently had some legal trouble (not to worry, he didn't try to kill anyone, or set fire to anything, or anything equally horrible or shocking, it involved his former employer and that's all I'm saying for now...). The court side of it is done, and he's in the clear (as he should be! but still, thank GOD!) but that doesn't necessarily mean that the U.S. border security know that or anything. They are nazi assholes tricky buggers those guards. We tried to cross the border last year, and boy oh boy was that a scary experience! When they swipe/scan/whatever your passport, "things" show up. So we are hoping this "thing" is either not there anymore, or it shows that it's been resolved. Don't worry, we're not going to just hop on the plane and hope for the best. DH has to take a little drive to the Niagara border very soon and see what happens that way. GULP. Keep your fingers crossed!

So there's my dilemma. I'm happy, yet not. To put it mildly, it has me rather stressed out. I'm not excited at all, because I refuse to be excited until I'm actually packing for the trip. Then I'll know it's a go. It's like last time, in October. We tried then, but couldn't go because of DH. I'm just glad we didn't tell the kids. And we haven't yet this time either, so SHHHHHHH!

Reflections and Revelations

As it seems to always be these weeks, it was a busy weekend again. On Friday afternoon my mom came up to visit for the first time in ages. It was a nice visit, not as forced or uncomfortable as it has been before. I think it may have something to do with the fact that she seems to have finally made some inner peace with what has happened in her life (meaning her and my dad's separation). She seemed a bit happier, which is so good. We talked about plans for Xmas and she asked my opinion on inviting my dad for Xmas dinner. That shocked the hell out of me, and was kind of funny too since my dad and I had only just been talking Xmas plans the evening before. We had thought aloud that the chances of him being welcomed there for Xmas dinner were slim to none. However, it seemed like a good idea to me, and my mom said she'd run it by my sister N.
This conversation then turned to gift giving, and we both agreed that last year's "no adult gifts" policy was a little miserable, albeit a money-saver. So we decided this year that all those who will be present at Xmas dinner Xmas day at Mom's would draw a name, and we'd put a $50 cap on the gift. At least this way we're not spending a ton of money we don't have, and you get something to bring home.
Later Friday evening, mom and I went to see HP7.1. Really good, but even though I knew it wasn't going to be the full story, it still surprised me when it came to an abrupt end.
Saturday was DH's birthday, but not much time for celebrating as R had a semi-final playoff ballhockey game, we had shopping to do and L had a birthday party of his own to go to. I let DH pick the takeout dinner, and of course he picked Chinese food, his favourite.
Sunday dawned bright and early with a final playoff game for R (they lost :( ) and L's hockey lesson. I didn't even get to see R's game because I had to take L. As it turned out, it was ok, I hate watching them lose anyway.
Later on, we had to go to the inlaws for DH's bday dinner. Before we left I called N to see if Mom had talked to her yet about Xmas. As it turned out she had and N was good to go. I was so glad, because I hate the thought of my dad not getting a Xmas dinner. So we talked a bit about the gift exchange and decided that to eliminate spouses drawing their own spouse's name, the guys would draw guys' names and vice versa. This led to the question, would my brother A be attending? So N called him to ask which turned out to be quite the ordeal. First, he freaked out thinking we'd changed our minds about no gifts, stating that he and his girlfriend weren't purchasing gifts this year. N told him about our plan, and asked if he would be there. His reply was that he would likely be spending Xmas with his girlfriend (which is understandable) and that they'd already made tentative plans to be at her parents' place. When N told him about my dad coming, he seemed upset, God knows why. N said he almost seemed like he wanted to say no they wouldn't be coming, but didn't for some reason. I don't know why he didn't just say he already had other plans, it was a perfectly viable excuse. He also apparently stated that he and I weren't getting along. Really? News to me seeing as how we haven't communicated at all since N's party for my BIL in July. You would think that alone would mean we weren't talking, but that's actually pretty normal for us, to go months between seeing or speaking. Granted, we did have an argument then, but as an adult, I didn't feel that was a reason to believe we weren't "getting along". Don't you have to be in communication with someone in order for you to be "not getting along" with them? Siblings have arguments all the time, we're no exception. Whatever the truth of the matter is, if he doesn't feel comfortable being there, then he shouldn't come. And if he feels that we aren't "getting along" then he obviously is upset with me for some unknown reason, in which case perhaps he should talk to me about it. I'm not really sure how he could be upset with me when we haven't even communicated for 5 months! Whatever.
So Sunday we were off to the inlaws for yet another delightful dinner. Actually, the meal itself was for once not bad although as usual, overcooked and late. We had hoped to eat around 5, so that we wouldn't have to rush right off after dinner (it's an hour drive home). But of course we didn't eat until 6:30, as my MIL is stubbornly adamant when it comes to her meat thermometer. And she won't turn up the damn oven either! GRRRRRRR...
DH got a sweater from his Nan, and a Home Depot gift card from his parents. I got a spa gift card that I'll probably never use for no spas that are anywhere around here. Sigh. Again, whatever. And yes, I got a gift. Because his mother forgot my birthday back in the beginning of October YET AGAIN (every damn year). But she'll never ever admit to forgetting it. She made up some lame-ass excuse about "being on her back" and "laid up" whatever the he'll that's supposed to mean. Same excuse every year, it's getting old. I guess she's trying to tell me she's been too sick?? Um, since October? Not to mention all the times I've seen/spoken to her since then, and not a word, not a birthday wish, nothing. Give it up lady and just admit it!! You forgot!! Again.
So that was a reflection on my weekend, with some revelations thrown in there.

A Stupid Argument

Yes, I know it's been waaaay too long since I last posted, no wonder I don't have many followers! But it's only because I've been much busier with a new baby in the daycare, and things like summer, and....well, summer.

Anyhow, I'm not blogging today to apologize for not blogging. I wanted to try to clear my head about something. It's pretty trivial, you'll probably think, but it's still bothering me.

Yesterday I was at a bbq/party hosted by my sister, N, for my BIL's 40th birthday. There were quite a few people there, and the surprise portion was pulled off without a hitch. Instead of gifts, everyone was asked to bring a dish to share, and that worked really well. My sister provided the hotdogs and hamburgers, and my brother, A, volunteered to man the bbq.

Now my bro is 9 years younger than me. There is a world of difference between us. Sometimes I wonder if we're even from the same family. As he was bbq-ing the burgers, he passed me one, and I rejected it, telling him that it wasn't fully cooked. I could see that part of it was still slightly gooey, still a tiny bit pink. I am very conscious of undercooked meat and the bacteria that they may contain. I know that not every single piece of beef contains E-coli., and that not every piece of chicken contains salmonella. But who wants to take that chance?

So as he took back the patty, I also said that I needed a new bun. I wasn't going to take the chance that undercooked meat juices may have transferred to the bun, that's called cross-contamination people! Maybe you think I'm paranoid, but that's fine. As long as you agree that there is the slightest chance that a small vomit-and-diarrhea-inducing-bacteria may have fallen from the burger onto the bun, then I'm not going to play those odds!

A started an argument with me about this, telling me, ME!! that I needed to "do my research"! W.T.F.???!! Where does he get off? Isn't it common knowledge that improperly cooked burgers can make you sick? He had some strange, bizarre idea that "it's not the bacteria in the meat that makes you sick, it's..." and here is where I end quote because I can't remember for sure what he was trying to say, but it was such a strange and foreign idea that I think my brain rejected it. It had something to do with being left out, and making other germs though.

I know, it doesn't make sense.

The argument became more and more heated, with my mom trying to jump in and (thankfully) trying to support my argument. A was trying to argue that if there was bacteria in the meat, you would get sick whether you cooked the meat or not. Not true. Why on earth does he think that? Why does he think that "they" tell you to cook meat to certain temps? To kill any unwanted germs in there, that's why!!

The clincher of this issue, the part that pissed me off most, was when he said, "Whatever, I'm not going to argue with you."

People, if you ever want to piss me off for whatever reason, you're having a bad day and want someone to suffer with you, or I made you upset for something I did another time, or you just plain have it in for me, then the surest and fastest way to piss me off is for you to pick a fight with me (and it doesn't have to be about anything major, it could just be a harmless debate) and then end it with that statement.

Whatever, I'm not going to argue with you.

My DH does that. Often. And it NEVER fails to enrage me all the more. Why bother arguing in the first place if you're "not going to argue" with me? Just tell me I'm right, and have done with it.

So back to the purpose of this post. I am trying to figure out why this argument upset me so much. I dwelt on it for the rest of the afternoon/night, and even this morning I woke up thinking about it. I really shouldn't care. A and I see each other, at best 4 or 5 times a year. We don't communicate much at all otherwise. We don't phone each other, or even email. Even if I post on his FB page he rarely responds. We are both at very different stages in life, and will probably remain that way until we both have married children. He isn't even married yet himself, although he does finally have a steady girlfriend.

He and I are so different. We have different views on life entirely. He is the youngest child of our family, and was spoiled rotten. He was also the only boy. I am the oldest of the three girls. I'm not sure if these things matter, but they seem to in our family.

Outside of our family, if I ever met him on the street, or through a friend, I would NEVER be friends with him. Other than his sharp wit and wicked sense of humour, I would find nothing redeeming about him. He has unrealistic ideas of the world, and strange ideas at that. He is immature beyond what is acceptable to me, and stubborn and pig-headed. He has that sense of entitlement to him that irks me, and that my friend Lisa blogged about here.

So why was this argument bothering me so much?

Here are my theories:

1. I was concerned about his devil-may-care attitude that may lead to the sickness of all the party-goers, children included (yeah, that's probably not it.)
   
2. I rarely see him and so the fact that we were arguing during one of these rare times upset me all the more (hmmm, maybe.)
   
3. I was right, and he was wrong, and I want the world to know it! (this one's very likely)
   
4. He said the magic words to piss me off for all eternity (and I'm not going to repeat them again).
   
5. His whole pig-headed attitude and immediate assumption that I needed to get my facts straight made me second-guess myself, when I shouldn't be, so that pissed me off (another likely one.)
   
6. I wanted to smack him silly, and didn't get a chance to. (BINGO!)

I'd love to hear your take on this!