What . The . F ?

I dream a lot. I'm one of those people that often remembers her dreams, unlike my DH, who rarely remembers what he dreams about. He says he doesn't have dreams, but I've told him that everyone dreams, it's just a matter of whether you remember them or not.

I also often have rather strange dreams. Usually I can decipher them. I can see how I dreamt about X because I was thinking about it or discussing it during the day. Or I have a dream about Y because I am fearful of it. My brain takes bits and pieces of events or things I come across during the day or week, and meshes them all together. They don't make any sense when you wake up and try to tell someone about them, but in a way, they make sense to me, or I can see what prompted the dream.

But every once in a while I have a dream that just makes me sit up and say, "What the HELL was that all about?"

Last night was such a night.

I dreamt I had driven the boys to the nearby city where DH works. It wasn't a planned trip, but somehow we just ended up there. Once we arrived, we spied DH sitting on the front steps of a building, somewhat looking like a town hall. He was speaking to a group of surrounding men. We waved, and decided to wait until he was finished to go and say hi.

At that point, I spotted a Canadian celebrity, Chef Michael Smith. I really like this guy in real life; I've always enjoyed his cooking shows, especially Chef At Home. I'm also extremely envious of his large, well-stocked, beautiful kitchen. However, it's been a very long time since I've watched his show, and I really haven't thought of the show or him at all lately, nor have I heard it mentioned.

As I approached dream Michael Smith to speak to him, I noticed that his face was disfigured. He appeared to have two extremely large tumors protruding off his cheek and forehead. They had to be at least 3 or 4 inches long, and in the shape of a termite mound, or skinny volcano. They were very red and sore-looking, with blood and pus at the tops.

Now comes the weird part. (That's not the weird part, you say?)

Attached to the two tumors were a couple of big black birds, like crows, and they were pecking at the tumors.

What The Hell??

Where does my brain come up with this stuff???

As I chatted with the chef, I ignored the huge disfigurement as if it were an unfortunate but somewhat normal problem. Then the next part I could remember was me asking him why he was here, when he normally lives in P.E.I. I then realized that his face was smooth and normal, and asked him what happened. Apparently some unknown time had passed as he replied that he had just been to the doctor for his treatment and she had lasered them, but that they would come back eventually. According to dream chef, he had a rare form of cancer and it attracts black birds!!

My mind is so messed up!!

As a side note, as I was googling the chef to come up with a link, I got to perusing his website and found a bread recipe I really want to try. Perhaps this weekend... It's a no-knead bread! I'm so intrigued...

Make this recipe your own with a blend of your favourite grains. Makes: 1 loaf of bread per recipe.

Preparation time:
Cooking time:
Yield: 0

Ingredients

For 1 normal loaf of Country Bread

• 2 cups all-purpose or bread flour
• 1 cup whole-wheat flour
• 1/2 cup any multi-grain mix
• 1/4 teaspoon of active dry yeast
• 1 1/4 teaspoons salt
• 1 5/8 cups of warm water

For 1 normal loaf of City Bread

• 3 cups all-purpose or bread flour
• 1/4 teaspoon of active dry yeast
• 1 1/4 teaspoons salt
• 1 5/8 cups of warm water

For 1 larger loaf of Country Bread

• 3 cups all-purpose or bread flour
• 1 cup whole-wheat flour
• 1/2 cup any multi-grain mix
• 1/2 teaspoon of active dry yeast
• 1 1/2 teaspoons salt
• 2 1/4 cups warm water

For 1 larger loaf of City Bread

• 4 cups all-purpose or bread flour
• 1/2 teaspoon of active dry yeast
• 1 1/2 teaspoons salt
• 2 1/4 cups warm water

Brown Butter

• 4 sticks of room temperature butter (sixteen ounces)

Directions

For traditional baking

1. Whisk the dry ingredients together thoroughly. Add the water and stir until a wet dough forms. Continue stirring until the dough incorporates all the loose flour in the bowl, about 60 seconds in total.
2. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and rest in a warm place for 18 hours. It will double in size, bubble and long gluten strands will form.
3. Knock the dough down and form it into a baking pan. Rest the dough a second time. In 2 to 3 hours it will rise again and double in size once more. Bake 45 minutes in an oven preheated to 425 degrees F.

For baking in a covered pot

1. Whisk the dry ingredients together thoroughly. Add the water and stir until a wet dough forms. Continue stirring until the dough incorporates all the loose flour in the bowl, about 60 seconds in total.
2. Cover the bowl with a towel and rest in a warm place for 12 to 18 hours. It will double in size, bubble and long gluten strands will form. Lightly flour your hands and the work surface then remove the dough from the bowl. Quickly form it into a ball. Thoroughly flour a cotton towel and rest the dough on it. Cover it with another floured cotton towel.
3. You may also rest the dough on a non-stick ‘Silpat’ mat and cover it with just one towel. Rest the dough a second time. In 2 to 3 hours it will rise again and double in size once more. A half an hour or so before the dough is ready preheat your oven to 450 degrees. You may use cast-iron, steel, enamel or ceramic.
4. When the dough has fully risen slide your hand under the towel and quickly invert the delicate dough into the hot pot. Shake the pot a bit to settle it then place the lid on the pot and start baking.
5. Bake for 30 minutes with the lid then remove it and bake for 15 minutes more.

Stressed

Lately I've been feeling rather stressed. There are quite a few reasons why this is, and for most people they probably don't think that my problems are really all that bad. But I don't think I handle stress very well. It's probably because I don't have to deal with any large amount of it on a daily basis, as say, a commuter would, or a doctor would, or a single mom working two jobs would. So I'm out of practice.
But lately I haven't been well. I'm not sleeping well, tossing and turning and dreaming troubling dreams. I've also been having stomach issues, and feeling really tired. And of course my patience is thin. Then there is the really annoying symptom of not being able to take a satisfying deep breath. I know, weird right? I am breathing, and I can once in a while get in a deep breath that is satisfying, but usually it's through yawning. I've googled it a lot, and there seems to be a lot of people out there with this same problem, but with no true answers to this problem. I've had this issue before, many times throughout my life, even as a kid. It usually resolves in a week or two, but damn it's annoying until then. And I think L has inherited this issue. He complained about it last fall for a few weeks. My mom also struggles with it.
ANYWAY...
My stress is from a few things. First, are my computer issues. I don't necessarily need my computer on a daily basis, I can use my iPod touch for my socializing. But I do need it! It has all my iTunes stuff, plus files for daycare, and tax stuff. That's really important right now! And I really can't afford a new one.
Then there's the age-old problem of money. That one never goes away. But it leads to the trip.
Yeah, I'm stressed about that.
Stupid?
Maybe. But I'm not one lucky enough to go on vacations much. The only other real family vacation we've had was six years ago, to New Brunswick. Before that, was our honeymoon ten years ago, and other than that it's just been weekend trips to Niagara and various other Ontario cities. I guess I'm just worried about things going wrong, like missing our flight, someone getting sick (that's a BIG one), luggage being lost, plane crashing, the kids being sick on the plane or suffering with their ears, not being ready, DH getting a hard time going through customs, bad weather, the condo sucking, getting food poisoning...etc., etc., etc...
I know, I'm borrowing trouble. But I've been dreaming about this damn trip, and they're troubling, stressful dreams, not good ones. I wake up and I don't want to go back to sleep.
Then of course there's the money side. Even though the trip is being paid for, we still need money for souvenirs and incidentals. And food, some, I'm sure. And definitely there's the loss of income. I don't get paid for a week, and then the next week, as I've found out since booking the trip (I know, the parents I "work for" SUCK for never giving me enough notice!!) two of the families I care for are off themselves!! (If I'd known, like, a week or two sooner I could have made the trip the same week!) So, it's not like I'll be making up for the time off at all. Thank god DH will be starting work soon after.
And DH and I are arguing. I won't bore you with all the details, but in the end he came to me and in a roundabout way offered me an apology, but expected one back! There wasn't anything I'd felt I'd done wrong! If I felt bad for something, I'd apologize, but I didn't. So he's mad at me for that. He said HE was the one ALWAYS apologizing. While that is certainly not true,as he rarely apologizes sincerely for anything, he thinks that when we have an argument that we're both to blame. WHATEVER! Sorry guy (there's your apology!) but YOU are the one that does things wrong, not me! Haven't you learned by now, the woman is ALWAYS right?? I know that's cliche, but in this case it's right. My life really doesn't vary that much day-to-day. There isn't much I could do that was wrong and would piss him off. Really! So when he does shit to piss me off, he always gets mad back at me, instead of being contrite. There's no way I should apologize because HE can't take criticism or accept his mistakes and reacts the wrong way. Sheesh.
So, I'm stressed. And griping to anyone who will read this tripe does make me feel a little better. Although, winning the lottery and taking a nice vacation at a spa retreat ON MY OWN would make me feel much better!

Sent from my iPod

Dreams

Ever have a dream that was so disturbing you can't shake it? You want to forget it, forget your twisted brain could ever have imagined it, push it to the darkest recesses of your mind, but it just. won't. go.

I had such a dream last night. And boy, I wish this dream would evaporate. It is disturbing me to no end, and I keep rationalizing with myself that it was only a dream, and it doesn't mean anything. But it still makes me shudder. Makes me cringe. Makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Ok, you are now wondering what was this horrific dream? Did I dream that I was murdering someone? Or perhaps that my family was wiped out by a catastrophe? Or that I aquired some sort of horrible disease?

No. No. And no.

I dreamt I was with another woman. And that I was somewhat enjoying it. (Pause here while I run to the bathroom to throw up.) And I say somewhat, because she was attempting to do something that I wasn't comfortable with, and wouldn't give in to, but the rest was ok. Herein ends the description.

I have had "lesbian" dreams before. And none of them ever incite good feelings in me once I'm awake. I always shudder at them, and thank God that they were only a dream and would remain in the privacy of my own head.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a homophobe. I don't harbour bad feelings towards gays and lesbians. I just don't swing that way.

I suppose that my brain sometimes just wants to play out the "what if?" scenario. I'm really not curious on a conscious level about experimenting with my sexuality, but maybe, somewhere deep inside of me I am. *shudder again* I think it's in the same way that my brain plays out other situations in my dreams, other "what if's?" Like, my kids being hurt, or my marriage ending, or my cheating on my husband. I don't dream these things often, but they do come up once in a while. Usually I wake up in tears, or gagging, as it were this morning.

So the very worst part of last night's dream wasn't the lesbian part. It was the 'who' part. And I won't tell you who it was. It was disgusting on soooooo many levels. The fact that I barely know this person didn't seem to matter to me in the dream, or that this person is already taken. I am so ashamed of this, that I wouldn't even admit it to my DH. I just wish, wish, wish, I could stop replaying this dream in my head!! I want to bleach my brain!!

It's Been Awhile

So, yeah, it has.... I guess in part due to my week off (the 24th to the 28th), as I actually did NOT spend all my time off on the computer!! Wow. But I digress, (I've always wanted to say that, and it's probably not even the right way to use it, but it sounds cool, doesn't it?) I use the computer to keep me sane during working hours mostly (but not always), and blogging helps that too. Sooooooo, since I wasn't working, I didn't feel the need.

As for this week (as it's now Friday), I have just been too effing busy to concentrate much on blogging. Not that today is much better, only slightly.

And it's FRIDAY peoples!!! The start of a long weekend, and the LAST day before school starts again! Can I say.....WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (don't tell my kids that)

Now, to business. I have had a crazy week, partly due to my insane scheduling hassles (and certain children that come part and parcel with that, need I say more?), and partly due to things beyond my permission to tell you.

I've had one of those weeks though. You know, the ones when you question your whole life? Well, maybe not everyone does that, but I'm sure some of you do. I think things like, How did this get to be my life? This isn't what I signed up for. This isn't even close to what I imagined it to be. When does my real life start?

Then the "What Ifs" come. What if I just picked up and left? What if I had gone to school when I was supposed to? What if I had never said yes? What if I had, I don't know, gone to Europe by myself for a summer? What if I decided to start all over, and is that even possible?

Ok, don't worry, I'm not planning on upping and abandoning my family, but sometimes you wonder...

And sometimes I think to myself things like, You only get one life, and it's passing you by, so shouldn't you make it what you want? And then the thought of trying to actually do that is just too scary to consider.

I'm a believer of everything happens for a reason. I think that, if people are meant to be together, they will be, and if not, then that's that. I think that if something is meant to happen, it will, and if bad things happen, then they must happen for some reason or another, to allow room for better things to happen. Of course, that theory is constantly being tested, especially the latter.

So here I am, awash in thoughts. I am trying to dwell on the positives, as I usually do. Everyone I know is healthy, Thank God. My children are smart and beautiful and healthy. I have a home to live in, in a beautiful city, in the best country in the world. I have food to eat, clean water to drink. I have my family that loves me. Really I shouldn't want for more.

And as a completely different aside, Happy Birthday to my baby, R. I can't believe that 8 years ago to this minute I was struggling to expel you from my womb. You're everything I could have hoped and dreamed for. I love you.

New Moon

Yes, I know, I'm a dork. I should also grow up, or as DH says, "How old are you?" But I can't help it. A woman needs her fantasies, and these characters from the Twilight Series are a large part of my fantasies. Of course, it helps to see them portrayed on the big screen. Mmmmmmmm.....
So I had to post this. I really really wanted to embed the video, but discovered that I can't, so I will have to make-do with linking you to the website for the New Moon movie . It is fuel for my fire, my wildest desires and dreams. Go there. You'll either see why, or you will think me as infantile as my husband. Whatever.
Can I say, I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS MOVIE TO COME OUT!!!!!
Who wants to come with me????