Blah, Blah, Blog

I'm hurting for blogging ideas lately. Maybe it's because I'm having a hard time following up great blogging material like a trip to Disney, or I'm finally realizing just how boring my life has become. So I'm just going to ramble, and we'll see where that takes us.
Today was forecasted to be 23 or 24 C here, depending on which weather forecast you watched. But here it is, 10:20, and it's still quite cold out. It's actually cooler than when I took the kids to school at 8:30, when the sun was just behind a thin layer of cloud. Now it's behind a thick layer of cloud, and I feel really bad that I told my boys they were fine to wear shorts to school for the day. R has gone on a trip to another school for a track and field day. He'll be outside all day, and I really hope he brought his sweater with him.
Today I have four kids for the day. I was supposed to have six, but two of my three older girls are away, so I have the three toddlers, and one almost 6 year old girl. She is ok with playing on her own, but the oldest toddler, J(2 3/4) is making a real nuisance of himself. He's being rough, loud, and obnoxious (following in his two older brothers' footsteps) and he's driving poor S mental (and me as well!)
We were going to go to the park, or for a walk or something, but it's kind of chilly and I'm feeling like staying home now. We did already play in the backyard this morning.
Tomorrow is Friday the thirteenth. Yes, that's random, I know. Anyone superstitious out there?
This weekend DH is going up to the cottage with a few buddies from school to put the water line in and hang out. Probably do guy stuff, whatever that is. I'm glad he has friends, but it still annoys me that he's going away. He doesn't even ask me if it's ok, or for that matter, bother to tell me to my face he's going. I found out he's going because I overheard him telling his grandmother (yes, the Nan). She owns the cottage as you probably know, and spends most of the summer up there. Then she calls our house or DH's cell phone every few days asking him inane questions and complaining about stupid stuff like the tv isn't working (because she hasn't plugged it in, or the remote's batteries are dead) and asking him to quickly make a two+ hour drive up to fix it. It's VERY irritating, and after spending a week with her and seeing for myself just how deteriorated her brain function is, I REALLY don't think she should be living up there alone. One day she's going to go to bed with the stove on and burn the place down.
Anyway, everything about the cottage irritates me. I hate how we have to give up our time and money to do stuff for it, and don't even ever get to have it for ourselves. I get that in life you give a little to get a little, and to enjoy a cottage, you have to put in the work (or exorbitant amounts of money to pay someone else to do the work). But we never really get to enjoy it. Because to me, enjoying it would be being up there with just my family, without HER, or for once to be able to have friends up there enjoying it with us, or MY family. But I just can't do that to anyone else; make them put up with HER. Everyone has one or two of those people in their family, so they don't need to be subjected to them if they're not in the family. Know what I mean? Plus, for the most part, in order for us to invite up other families, we need HER bedroom.
I've been painstakingly typing away here on my iPod for a good 45 minutes, and the sun is finally starting to burn through some clouds. Of course it's too late now to go anywhere, but the kids are having fun with playdough.
So back to the weekend. DH is going away for most of the weekend, so I am stuck with the boys and all of the weekend stuff to do by myself. Grocery shopping is no fun with them as it is, as they hate shopping, so I'm not looking forward to that. L has a birthday party to go to Sat night, and swimming lessons on Sun morning. Then after that we'll be heading out to see my family. I'll visit my dad on the way to see my mom and sister N. I don't know if my sis S will be around; hopefully I'll get to see her too.
I was hoping to get some more work done on prepping my veggie garden. I'd like to get a few things started, like peas and potatoes and perhaps some herbs too. But all the soil needs to be turned over, and mixed with some bags of organic material or manure. Not a job I like to do on my own.
Well, it's nearly lunchtime, and the children need to clean up, which essentially means I clean up while they wander around the room as I try to direct them to "pick that up and put it here". So tedious.

Weight Woes

This is the second attempt at writing this blog entry. Hopefully all goes well. As an aside:
I EFFING HATE MY EFFING COMPUTER!!!!AAAARRRGGGGGHHHH!!!
Ok, I'm better now.

As I'm sure you've heard me mention before, I'm not entirely happy with my body shape. Of course it's not what it used to be. I'm not 20 anymore, and I've had two children which stretched my muscles and skin all to hell. I could lose 25 pounds and I'd still be saggy. Right now I'd be just fine with 10 lbs.
I know I need to tone up.
I know I need some cardio/aerobic exercise.
I know I need to stop eating all my baking!!
I also know that I've been coming to terms with the fact that I'll NEVER wear a bikini again without the aid of either A)surgery to remove the extra fat/skin/bulging veins/unsightly stretch marks or B)some sort of lobotomy/medication/hypnosis to make me not care about showing off all the above things in public.
It's ok to come to terms with being not so attractive, right? Or is it like giving up? Because according to my DH, it's not ok. He has some idealistic vision of me in his head looking like I did when I was in college. He actually thinks this is attainable again. Pfffftt.
I wish he would be like other husbands and just tell me I'm beautiful to him no matter what. I wish he would realize the gift and sacrifice of bearing his children. I also wish he would look in a mirror.
He's no prize. He's probably gained 20 pounds since college, and at least I have the excuse of bearing children!!
Lately he looks fatter to me. I see it in his gut, his chest, arms and most of all, his face and neck. It's not enough for me to say, "Ugh, you disgust me, where's my blindfold?", because he's still him. But it is enough to make me bite my tongue a little when I see him walking around in the bedroom.
And I do bite my tongue. Because my mom always told me, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!" Plus I've been on the receiving end of his criticism, and the truth hurts, y'all. I know my remarking on his weight gain would only lead him to remark on my own body, and I really don't want to hear it. It's not like I don't think about it mostly every damn day!
So I've tried to subtlely suggest that he get back to playing ballhockey. A few times. To no avail.
Yesterday I stupidly tried to stand in the kitchen and take my own measurments for a bathing suit I desperately need and was hoping to purchase online. (That takes the pain out of bathing suit shopping somehow, doing it online.) L said, "Are you trying to see how fat you are Mommy?"
Nice.
I have no idea where he got that from, as I've always tried to be conscientious about not dwelling on fat and body image around my kids. He must have got it from his father.
So I swallowed my pride and said, "No I'm trying to get a measurement so I can buy a bathing suit."
DH didn't miss a beat. He piped up immediately to claim, "Yes, we both need to work on losing some weight."
WTF??!!
I ask you, did I ask for a comment like that? Did I set myself up for that? It wasn't like I was complaining about my size or weight or anything. I was just innocently taking measurements.
Why did he have to drag me into that? Couldn't he just have said he needed to lose weight, and hoped his initiative would catch on? At least aside from my normal 1-5 lb fluctuations, I have remained the same weight for the past few years.
Geez.
Just for that, I'd like to work hard and lose weight and tone up. Then I could throw it in his face and call him a lard-ass next time he says something like that. But I'd have to hide it from him, and that would be kind of difficult.
Or maybe that was his secret agenda. To goad me into doing just that.
Maybe I'll sit around eating chocolate for the next month and gain another ten pounds just to spite him.
HAH! Take that lard ass!!

Dear, Dear Husband

Dear DH;

I know that returning to school as a full-time mature student is tough. Our brains don't pick up new information or retain it as well as they did when we were young. I know that you have to study more, and harder to get good grades and learn all the necessary knowledge for your diploma. I understand all of this.
And that is why when you disappear off to the bedroom for hours at a time at night to "study" or "do your homework" I look the other way. I carry on with the daily household chores on my own, look after our children on my own, and do what I can to make sure you have the time you need to complete your schoolwork. Even though I worked all day from 7 in the morning until 5 in the evening looking after other people's children and I'm bone tired and my patience has just about run out, I still carry on, because I am trying to be a supportive wife.
HOWEVER;
When you start your school day at 11 a.m. and you have completed all your schoolwork the night before, I'm sorry but that DOES NOT give you the right to sit on your ass and play Wii games until you need to leave.
Look around you. Do you not see that the carpet is covered in lint and god knows what else, and that the goddamn vacuum is sitting right there in front of your damn face because I got it out a few days ago but didn't get to it? Do you not see the mildew growing in the toilet because I'm sorry, I'm too tired at 8:30 at night to start cleaning bathrooms? Do you not see the load of dishes in the sink waiting to be cleaned from the meal that I cooked last night and once again had to listen to my kids complain about it and whine, "How much more do I have to eat?" and didn't receive even a word of thanks or praise for making it? Did you not see me gathering the sheets from the beds and putting them in the laundry, meaning, duh, the beds now need to be made up with fresh sheets? Do you not realize that the groceries are running out and that your extra time could be spent running to the grocery store and picking up a few things so I don't have to drag two whiny kids out later at the end of my long day (and probably in the rain at this point)? Are you completely blind, or just stupid?
I find it hard to believe that you are that stupid, seeing as how you are maintaining A's in college, which leads me to to the conclusion that you may be blind, but you must be pretty talented to be playing Wii without vision.
So maybe you just don't care. Which begs the question, do you not care about the state of the house, or do you not care about me? Because truly, if you sat and thought about all I do, and cared enough to try to make life just a little bit easier for me, you would at least do something.
Maybe you'll care enough when you're out of clean clothes, fresh food and you can't tell if it's the floor that's making your socks dirty, or your socks that are making the floor dirty. Perhaps you'll care if the Wii is accidentally "broken" during a cleaning mishap, or the tv was "knocked over" rendering it useless.
Your spiteful ever-loving vengeful caring about to quit doting wife,
Me

On Men

**DISCLAIMER: THIS BLOG CONTAINS MUCH COMPLAINING AND BITCHING, SO IF YOU AREN'T IN THE MOOD FOR READING THAT, DON'T PROCEED. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!!**


DH and I have been together this March for 15 years. Let me say that again.
15 YEARS!!!
We have been married for 9 (10 in October) years, but I can't believe we've been with each other for that long. It blows my mind.
That being said, I still do not get men. I guess I never will. Our relationship is pretty static, but there are still things we're working on. Things I still question when they happen, and I guess maybe that lasts forever??? I don't know.
I try very hard to not be like my mother. And I see little bits of her in me all the time. She took her relationship with my father for granted, I think. This is not to say that I blame her for the dissolution of their marriage, because I don't. That is another topic, but long story short, both parties are to blame there.
I just think that from my point of view as a child, I only saw my mother "being mean to my dad". Ok, I should explain that better. Keep in mind, this is the POV of a child. She constantly criticized him, and harped and nagged on him, and shrugged off his affections. That part, the affections part, I remember the most. And that is the part that I catch myself doing from time to time, and internally chastise myself about. I don't want to be like that.
Of course, now, as an adult, a wife, and a working mother of two, I can TOTALLY see where she was coming from with the nagging and the berating. It's hard to be all these things, and still be a positive person! A wife, a lover, a partner, a best friend, a mother, a nurse, a chauffeur, a cook, a cleaner, and a career person (in my case, babysitter of other's children.) Those are so many hats to wear in a day. And let's not forget that we are constantly being told by magazines, professionals, talk shows, etc, that we need to take time for ourselves and just be ourselves somewhere in there as well. I don't think men understand how much pressure we women are under to be so many things, and to be good at them! And some guys do get it, for the lucky women that have them, like my two BIL's. God, my sisters are lucky to have them!
But just a little help once in a while, without having to ask would be nice. But so many men don't understand that, and when we do ask, we get told we're nagging. Now I will be the first to admit that we don't always ask in the nicest ways. But really, should we have to?? At the point when we have to ask our DH's for help, we're usually at the end of our rope, and we have no more patience or "niceness" left in us. And it's because we bottle it up, bottle it up, bottle it up, for fear that we are labelled as the nagging wife. Then the bottle can't hold anymore, and the cork pops. I feel like we shouldn't have to ask, men should just know. So guys, take a hint when the eyes start rolling, and the huffing or the sighing begins. Those are the signs that the cork is going to pop!
Now back to the original purpose of this blog entry. This morning, I was annoyed because DH had left the gas fireplace on ALL NIGHT! Not only is this a waste of gas, but it also makes the rest of the house damn cold, especially when the thermostat is set lower for nighttime. I also happened to ask him if he had put gravy on the leftover dinners he prepared last night, to which the answer was no.
WHY?
WHY?
Ok, he knows I like gravy. He knows I believe it is practically a sin to waste gravy. He must know that, we've been together for 15 effing years now! And we've also had this "argument" before. So why would he neglect to use up the leftover gravy by putting it onto the leftover meat? To me, it just seems thoughtless and selfish. He totally was not thinking of me AT ALL.
I know it's such a small thing, but it just irks me so, because I know that D (my BIL) would NEVER EVER do that to my sister N. She is always in his thoughts. He is always thinking of her.
But really all that was said regarding that situation was "Did you...." and "Why not?" That is it. I didn't go on afterwards like I could have (and did in this blog), I left it at that. I didn't even huff. So really in all fairness, was I complaining there or nagging? I don't think so.
Then I brought up the fireplace because again, I thought it needed to be brought to his attention, and it's careless yet again. He knows, as I've told him before, that when he has the fire on at night (while staying up all hours watching tv) that it makes the upstairs frigid.
THOUGHTLESS.
So that, I did complain about. And he didn't like it. Not one bit. He hates when I complain about things (who doesn't really?) and he gets SOOOOOO DEFENSIVE!! And I only said one thing, but he considered it two. That in turn makes me mad. I mean, why shouldn't I be allowed once in a while to complain about something, point out something that is bothering me?
And here is where I get into a quandry. I try so hard not to be like my mother, complaining and nagging all the time, but on the other hand, I feel that we should be allowed to express our dissatisfaction about things. I really bottle a lot of things up. There are SOOOOO many things that I could complain about, and I don't, because I don't want to be a nagging wife. But then when am I allowed to say something. Should I just allow myself to be walked on? Are my concerns not relevant? So what exactly am I allowed to complain about, is what I want to know.
Here is another point of contention.
On the weekend, we helped my sis, S, move. This weekend also happened to be the start of DH's March break from school. So he has plans that he is going to paint my oldest's room. He was somewhat disgruntled on Saturday because I had told my mother and sister N that after we helped S, we would go over to their's for dinner. He "didn't expect to be gone all day, and had wanted to get started on R's room."
Well, too bad. I don't get to see my family as often as I like, and I'm not going to rush home and not see them just because he had plans he failed to mention to me. And I am sure that he wouldn't have carried those plans out anyway for a couple of reasons.
A) We ended up staying at N and D's later than normal because he couldn't tear himself away from the tv set and the gold medal curling game, so why would he have been stripping R's room if he was wanting to watch that?
B) He is currently upstairs playing the Wii. It is now 10:30 Monday morning, and he hasn't set foot in R's room.
So what was the big rush? I think he just didn't want to hang out with my family (why I don't know) and to that I say tough sh*t and if I have to hang out with his, then it goes both ways!! Never mind that the past few times I've been over to their place, he hasn't come.
So here we are again. Me, bottling it up. I could go upstairs and point out that he was so eager to get going on the room on Sat. and so what happened? I could even go up there and point out that he is being a lazy ass and to go get a job. But that's just getting a little bitchy, don'tcha think? (And yeah, I'm sitting here blogging, so that'd be a little like the pot calling the kettle black.)
But I won't.
Because again, I don't want to be labelled as a nagger.
So now I have to come up with a creative way to point out what he should be doing. Perhaps I will ask him if I should help him to start cleaning up in there, or moving furniture, or something of that nature.
See, woman also have to be creative and manipulative too.