The End Of An Era

Ok, maybe not an era, but it's the end of an age, a term, a life-stage.

Next month I'm getting my tubes tied. And I'm a little sad, but mostly I know this is the right decision. Let's face it, 38 is getting a little old to have a baby. And please don't be offended if you're reading this and you're pregnant and like, forty or something. I'm not judging others, I'm just saying 38 is too old for ME to have another child.

Intentionally.

I'd be freaking out but also happy if I found out I was pregnant right now. It definitely wouldn't be an intentional thing though. I know lots of people get pregnant "accidentally", but how "accidental" is it, really?

"The condom broke" : Really? How rough are you when putting it on? Those things are pretty tough!

"My pill didn't work" : Hm. There are things that can affect the efficiency of the pill, but if you're on a medication, you should educate yourself! Mostly, I think people aren't taking it properly. I've had moments when I worried about being pregnant while on the pill, and it's NEVER happened. Even with me screwing up the day I should have started the next month's pack, or missing a pill in the middle, it still hasn't happened.

"We were using the withdrawal method" : Ok, and you're surprised about being pregnant?

Anyway, we're done. As much as I love my kids, and love babies, I just can't imagine starting all over again. The lack of sleep, being a slave to someone helpless, not owning my own body for years, the sickness and all the other fun pregnancy symptoms, the added stress of someone else to worry about - all things I can live happily without.

So next month when I go in for my cyst removal, I'm also getting my tubes tied. Might as well, since they will already have me there on the table and in that same area.

Mostly I'm sad because the biggest pat of it is that it means I'm getting old. Moving past the child-bearing years is huge to me. Too old to have kids = too old in general.

At least I don't have grey hair yet.

Rant of The Day

What a day today has started out to be. I hate days that start like this. But I've learned over the years that just because a day starts badly, it doesn't mean it has to continue or end badly, I just need to stay positive if I can.
My mood hasn't helped. I kinda feel a little bit like how I do right before my Aunt comes to visit. But it's not that time. So I'm not sure what's up with that. But little things are bugging me, and DH is getting on my nerves, as he often does when I'm in this mood. For as long as I can remember, he always takes another side when I'm complaining about something, or telling him about an issue. It doesn't seem to matter what we're talking about, work, the kids, or something I saw on the news, anything, he always takes the other side. That is so annoying!! I know that he is just trying to present another POV, but sometimes I'd really like for him to just agree with me and to sympathize, or even rant with me! Sometimes it makes me want to scream at him, "You aren't helping with my mood!"
So this morning L came downstairs and seemed in a giggly mood, which is a nice change. He was also sporting a mohawk, something he'd obviously been creating in front of the bathroom mirror before coming downstairs. I laughed and started to chase him around the house, trying to get in a few hugs and kisses and trying to enjoy his rare good morning mood. This turned into a bit of a pillow fight, in which he grabbed a few throw pillows from the couch and tried to hit me with them. Of course, I didn't let him, and got in a few light (very light) hits myself. He was laughing, and so was I. At one point, I tossed a pillow to him (not hard) and this dark look came over his face. It was like watching Bruce Banner turn into the Incredible Hulk. He screamed at me, "YOU MESSED UP MY MOHAWK!!" and whipped the pillow at my face, which actually did hurt a little.
I tell you, it was like night and day. One minute we're giggling and having fun, the next minute he's demon child. And I would expect that a little if I had inadvertently hurt him, but I know I didn't, I barely tossed the pillow at him. And there were no sharp zippers or buttons on it, so I am positive it wasn't a pain thing.
I took him from the room and told him that sort of behaviour wasn't acceptable, and that was way too hard to be throwing a pillow, as we were just having fun and playing around.
How did it go from light-hearted and fun, to me having to practically yell at him?? Every morning I end up mad at him for something, usually taking too long to get ready, so I was thinking how refreshing it was that we were having fun for once. Why did he have to ruin it? It made me wonder if he has some kind of mood disorder.
When DH came down I told him what had happened. And instead of sympathizing, or offering to talk to him, what does he say? He blamed it on a hormonal surge!
What?!
And he didn't mean my hormones either. He meant L's.
I say again, WHAT??
The kid is not even 7 yet.
He said, "I remember getting that feeling when I was a kid."
Umm, ok, whatever. Maybe when you were 12!
I said that even if that were true, it wouldn't excuse that behaviour.
It's like he is trying to take another side and he's reaching for explanations.
Reaching, HUGE.
So that made my mood dampen.
Then another child arrived. Now the other day, I was expressing to DH how this father brings his child in, who is a just-walking baby and allows her to climb into the house herself. This is all very sweet and all, and a great step towards independance, but I'm sorry, sometimes you can't allow for independance, especially when someone else's heating bill going up is the result of it! He stands there with the door open for ages waiting for her to get herself in the door!
So it was suggested that if it happened again, that I say something gently, before the snow comes and it really has an effect on the heat.
As he opened the door, I put a smile on my face and wished them good morning, and said, "Come on in (child's name), quick, quick, before all the heat goes outside!"
Now wouldn't you take that as a hint if you were the parent? I know I would!
But no, what does the dad say?
He actually scoffed,"Oh, it's not that cold out!"
Say what?
Excuse me, but is he the one paying my bill? I think not. It totally pissed me off. But I tried not to show it, and asked jokingly if he hadn't turned the heat on in his house yet. He said, of course, but he didn't think he had it as warm as I did. What was that supposed to mean? That if I wanted a warmer house, then it was my own fault when other people caused the bill to rise? Or what? Because that's the way I took it. I calmly informed him that I keep the heat set at 21C. That's all.
So now I don't know what else to do. You know me, I hate confrontation, but I really can't allow him to hold the door open wide for a solid minute while he waits for his daughter to climb in all winter long. Especially when the wind is howling and snow is blowing around! I'm thinking maybe I'll have to speak to the mother about it, maybe have her say something, I don't know. I guess that is the coward's way out. Maybe I'll send out a general note asking all the parents to remember to enter and exit quickly? But that seems kind of stupid, especially since I've never done that before. Perhaps I'll just quickly meet them at the door, and pull her in myself.
Not too long after, it was time to get ready so I hustled two babies and six kids to the door to get ready. Of course, the youngest baby had pooped, but there was no time for changing at that point. Why do they always choose the worst times to poop?
Upon returning home, I picked up said baby and whisked her off to the change table, only to discover leakage that was now also all over my sweater! Gross! This baby's diaper was so full there is no way that the mother had changed her diaper this morning! Either that of she drank a GIANT bottle before coming here. And I mean, like, at least a half litre. It takes a lot of pee to make a Pampers leak.
Sigh. That was my current favourite sweater too. The one I had saved for wearing today, what's supposed to be the coldest day of the week. And I always hope to wear my sweaters twice, as it cuts down on laundry and also makes them last longer. I only got to wear it for a couple of hours.
So now I'm feeling rather grumpy. The youngest baby is whining (she's really rather a whiny little thing), the other one won't let me leave her sight (as the appearance of the younger one somehow turns her into a cling-on) but at least the girls are behaving.
I'm also stressed out because tonight was supposed to be P/T conferences. I specifically signed up for later interviews for tonight because of our crazy evening schedules, and because both DH and I want to be there. But now L's teacher needed to reschedule tonight's due to a death in her family, so DH can't come, and R can't even come to his own because his Cub troop is going to a local hockey game. And don't even get me started on how stressed I am about that. Large crowds and children on the cusp of independance make me nervous. I already emailed the leader about making sure he doesn't get to go to the bathroom or snack bar alone. Too many weirdos out there! Anyhow, I hate going to P/T stuff alone, because DH is so much more aggressive and forceful than I am. And L's teacher is a bit of a flake, so she needs to be intimidated encouraged a bit to give L a kick in the ass. DH is better at that than I.
God, I'm a wimp, huh?
Well that's it for my rant today. Hopefully I haven't bored you to tears, or made you want to slap me for whining so much.

PIGGIES!!

Most of you who have me as a FB friend will already know this, but on the weekend we got two adorable baby guinea pigs. The boys have wanted some for a while now, and to be honest I did too, so it was an easy sell for me. The one pictured above is R's, and he named her Mocha, because that's the colour they were calling her in the store. She is a smooth-haired cavy, and she is very soft.

This one is Rosie, L's choice. She is an abyssinian, and her hair is more coarse, and will always stand up like that.

The two girls in their new home:

This is their cage we made. It may look big right now, but it won't be for long.

We are in love with them already; they are very sweet!

Evian Commercial

My sister showed me this commercial on Youtube. I thought it was just so adorable, and the kids I look after love it too! They say, "Again, again!" I don't know why I can't get it to show the whole "screen" though, but maybe you can go to Youtube and see it properly yourself.

I'm An Auntie Again!

Just a quick post to share my joy at being an aunt again. My niece, A., was born yesterday around 3 p.m. at 6lbs, 9oz. I'm so excited and happy for my sister and her husband! I also cannot wait to meet this new little person. Unfortunately, due to the fact that #1 - I live an hour's drive away from the hospital (that factor combined with the fact that I am not free to leave my house until all the "other" kids have gone home, around 5 pm) and #2 - yesterday after a winter that has been fairly mild by our standards, it decided to storm like a bugger, I have to wait now until the weekend to see her. Sigh. Oh well, it's not like I'm not used to it by now, after all, I did choose to live here (and I do love it) so I have to make sacrifices.

The pictures I posted aren't the best, I know, because they were sent to me from my dad's iPhone, but they're all I have, and they are definitely better quality than the ones I tried to steal from my other sister's Facebook page. And yeah, they're typical red-faced-scrunched-up-puffy-eyed newborn pictures, but she's still pretty cute! And if she's anything like her mommy was as a little kid, she's going to be completely adorable (and spoiled)!!

Sigh Of Relief Part 2

Ok, I had to just quickly post an update to my recent posting.

I confessed to DH tonight that I had been worried, and that my period was a couple of days late. I'm not sure how the conversation came up, but it did quite naturally for some reason during dinner. 'Course, we're trying to talk in code 'cause the kids are sitting right there, which is awkward, but the message was put across, something like this:

Me: "Well, I was actually a little concerned for a couple of days there; It was a bit late."

DH: staring blankly ahead with a funny sort of smile on his face.

Me: "What?"

DH: "Well, it wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen."

Me: WTF??

DH: "Course that would make that little trip to Peterborough a little bit more necessary, wouldn't it?" (To a clinic that does laser vasectomies, apparantly)

Me: still dumbfounded "Yeah, I guess so."

So, hmmmmmm.....

A Sigh Of Relief?

The past few days have been like a living, well, not hell really, but... well in turmoil. That I've bore alone. You see, I thought that maybe, just maybe, I might have been *deep breath*, PREGNANT!
Firstly, I should explain something. I'm on the Pill. My pills are a pack of 21. I've never felt it necessary to take the 7 sugar pills that make up a 28 pack, but perhaps after this weekend, I should reconsider. So with my pack of pills, they are all the same. Each pill has the same ingredient, so it doesn't matter where you start. You can start at the beginning, middle or end, wherever. They usually include a set of stickers you can paste on the top with the days of the week, to help you remember, but I often don't use that either. I rely on my oh-so-wonderful memory.
Now, often, for some reason, my period will start on the second-to-last or last day of my pill pack. I think it's because the dosage of hormones or whatever isn't quite strong enough for me, although the dr. has assured me it's still safe. I've become accustomed to just stopping taking the pill at that point. I figure, I'm already bleeding, what's the point in taking a pill to prevent pregnancy? It saves me pills in the end, and after a while, one or two or three pills can add up nicely to another pack! At that point, I just take seven days off and then start again the next "month".
With me so far? Ok.
So at the beginning of this past cycle we were on vacation in Ottawa. I did bring a new pack of pills to start taking, but..... I kind of forgot. Oops. So I ended up starting my new pack a couple of days late.
Fast forward to this past weekend. As far as I could remember, I could have SWORN, that the last cycle I had started on a Saturday, the Sat before we went away (because I remember my period ending while we were at the hotel). So I stopped my pill on Friday (just past). Now, usually, my body is already giving me signs of my period coming, you know, that lovely gross spotting you get to begin with. I usually start my period before my pills are even done, remember? So when I didn't get my period on Sat., I was starting to wonder.... However, for any normal person, you really wouldn't start bleeding that day, because the pill is still in your system. You have to give it at least 24 hrs or so.
So, I "prepared" myself Sat night, and woke up Sunday morning to....
NOTHING.
Gads.
At this point, I'm starting to imagine pregnancy symptoms. My mind is going, going, going and I'm thinking about it CONSTANTLY!! I was going to the bathroom I swear, at least every half hour to check (inspect with excrutiating attention to the TP). Still nothing. The worst part was, is that I had this terrible headache, probably due to the weather, and I didn't know if I should be taking anything. So I took acetaminophen, which took the edge off a bit.
All I could think about was what if??? Most of me rejected the idea. There are so many reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea.
#1. Really bad timing - DH is going back to college fulltime in the fall and he is probably not going to be working.
#2. Really bad timing - (I know, I said that already) I am taking on a new baby in the fall, as well as getting a toddler back fulltime, as well as a CRAZY INSANE schedule, so I really don't know how I would have handled being sick and tired as well as all that.
#3. I already gave away all our baby stuff, so we would have to somehow reaquire it.
#4. How was I going to tell DH? That was the part I was most scared of. I was so afraid that he would be mad, and think I did it on purpose, not to mention all the stress he's already under in regards to work, etc...
But a small part of me was rejoicing. I was already imagining names, how we would have to move the boys around (bedrooms I mean), and how wonderous and exciting it would be to see them as big brothers.
So last night, I bought a test, secretly, and hid it in my purse. My plan was that in the morning, when DH got up to shower, I would sneak downstairs and use the bathroom down there if nothing happened in the night. But something did happen in the night. Along with all the fun cramps as well. Ick.
So while I silently breathed a sigh of relief to myself in the bathroom this morning, a very small part of me was crying.

Happy Canada Day!!

Happy Canada Day everyone!! Especially my Canadian friends!

Ok, I know I'm a day early, but I don't think I'll have time to post tomorrow, so just pretend this is tomorrow, k?

You see, my sister had her baby boy last night, so tomorrow I'll be travelling to her neck of the woods to see the family and meet my new nephew!! I'm so excited to be an aunt for the second time! I remember when my niece, M, was born I was completely taken by surprise at how much I instantly loved her. I know, it shouldn't be surprising to love a child, but I didn't think someone else's child could come close to the love I feel for my own children, even someone as close to me as my sister.

But I loved (and still do, of course) M instantly, and profoundly, and that made it even harder to be over an hour's drive from my sister.

So I am looking forward to meeting this little guy, and experiencing that love once again. Isn't it amazing how love grows and grows?

Baby

I want another baby.

I don't want another baby.

This is how my mind works. I waver back and forth, back and forth, between the two decisions. How does anyone truly decide that they are finished having children? I know for some, it is not a choice unfortunately. Nature decides for them. Others have such horrible preganancies and deliveries that they just can't fathom doing it even one more time.

But what about the people like me? How do they decide? My pregnancies weren't horrible; they were pretty average. Some morning sickness the first few months, plus some of all the other fun stuff, like varicose veins, hemmorhoids, swelling, blah, blah, blah. But in the end, it's worth it I think. My kids are worth everything to me.

Of course, I say that now, right this moment, when I'm not feeling miserably sick and tired, and when I'm not suffering with aching legs, or a torn perineum from giving birth.

How quickly we forget.

Then there are those days when I feel sick, genuinely sick, due to virus or otherwise, and I just can't even bear to think about feeling that way for three months straight, PLUS having to get up at 6 am everyday, PLUS having to trek back and forth to the school twice a day, PLUS having to work through it looking after kids and having no sick days.

There are also those nights when one of my boys cries out, and I stumble out of bed barely conscious to find out what is wrong (sick? bad dream?) and I thank God that I don't have to do that every night. In the middle of the night, it's pretty hard to convince yourself that you want to go back to sleepless nights again, especially when you've had it good for a while now.

But then there are the times that I think about my own family. I grew up the oldest of four, and while we had many arguments, fights and general sibling rivalry issues, we are all pretty close now. I love my sisters and brother; I'm so grateful for them. I just can't imagine having come from a smaller family.

My boys are close. I love that. I hope they stay that way forever. They'll always have each other, but is it enough? Wouldn't it be nice for them to have just one more sibling?

Recently, a good friend of mine had a baby. We went to visit her the day after she came out of the hospital. R wanted to hold the baby. He was enamoured. It was magical to watch, and my mind marveled at it; I so much wanted to see what he would be like with a small baby sister or brother of his own.

Of course, there is one small problem with all of this.

My husband.

He is very comfortable with where we are right now, and doesn't feel those motherly urges to have any more. He would be hard to convince, therefore, I would have to have a very strong conviction to bring up and win this debate. And I don't. As I said, I waver. A lot.

I just don't want to be forty, or fifty, and thinking, "Gee, I wish I had just done it and had another one! And now it's too late..." I suppose I will have to leave it to fate to decide somehow...