L is crying in his bed. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. I don't know whether to go to him or not. I know if I do go to him, it will turn into a big crying/whining fest along with lamenting and self-hatred I'm sure.
I'm trying to get him to bed early(ish) for once. My goal was 7:30, but that time went past quickly and there was much stalling going on, so when the light finally got turned out, it was about 8:10 or so. I put some quiet piano music on on his iPod dock, but as soon as I left the room, he ripped his iPod off the dock. I don't know why. Maybe it was an act of defiance, maybe it annoyed him, who knows, I didn't ask.
I know he is tired. He MUST be! 11:00 bedtime last night, nearly 10:30 the night before, and late nights of past 9 before that, all with rising around 7 in the morning. He was yawning away this evening, and was suffering from a bad headache late this afternoon. The headache worries me, as headaches always do with the kids. Likely the cause was fatigue, as well as some dehydration (he doesn't drink enough) and also part hunger too. But then there's the worried part of me that wonders if it's a side effect of the St. John's Wort, and the even more worried part that immediately thinks the worst. I can't even type it out.
So I don't know if I should go in. I knew it was going to be a difficult bedtime. DH is out for the evening at a work function. Well, he didn't even come home, so L hasn't seen him at all today. His behaviour was starting to ramp up already at dinner time, and escalated to annoying behaviours from there, like refusing to do as he was told and generally acting like a two year old. Part of me is cursing myself for letting him stay home today, but I'm sure I took the lesser of the two evils. He would have been in a real funk if he'd gone to school and had to endure a sad movie as well as teasing.
I hate though that I'm leaving him to his misery. I don't want him to feel alone in this, I want to be supportive. But I also REALLY want him to go to sleep. He needs that so badly.
I'm sitting on the stairs, to be able to hear him more easily, to decipher, I suppose, what's going on. It's quiet now, but that doesn't mean he's asleep. He could be playing on his iPod. Maybe I should check....
Miracle of miracles, he's asleep! I think....he seems to be a good faker at times, but at the very least, he's lying quietly.
I pray he wakes in a good mood for tomorrow.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Feb 27
Last night and this morning haven't been too bad. Not sure if its the incentive thing, or what. He's also not sick, which helps a huge amount as well. Last night he went to bed fairly nicely, although he's still pulling a lot of stalls so we still can't get him to bed early enough. However, I don't want to ruin the pleasant (ish) vibe of these bedtimes just to get angry at him for stalling. The improvement of not having whining and screaming is all I can ask for right now. Expeditious bedtimes are not in the immediate future, I'm sure.
I have started him on St. John's Wort. I can't find a whole lot of info about using it for children, although there is a bit. It's like that with most holistic things, I find. No one wants to say anything, because nothing has been "scientifically proven", although there at least has been more research on St. John's Wort than there has been on other types of natural remedies. That being said, I'm watching him as best I can for side effects or allergic reactions, and I am giving him less than half the adult dose. Of course now I wonder if that's even enough, but I can up it to half once I know if his body is ok with it or not (you never know with my family). I also bought some herbal tea with all kinds of good things like cinnamon and chamomile in it for him. It's actually called "happy tea" which made me think it would have cannabis or something in it! As well, I stocked up on Rescue Remedy for the really anxious times, and I also found Rescue Remedy in a pastille form in black currant flavour. I had to point out to L they ARE NOT CANDY and showed him the price tag to prove it ($8!) since he's quite old enough to understand that.
So last night, even though he went to bed ok, he still came downstairs a bit later to have a conversation with me about school. He expressed a huge dislike for this extra help group he goes to during the day for reading and writing. A SERT runs it, and she's one of the ones I like. I know that he just doesn't like work in general, especially reading and writing, so he's looking for excuses why he shouldn't go. Last night it was that some of the kids in the group are bragging about having their work finished first and making him feel bad. We actually managed last night to avoid tears and expressions of self-hatred and somehow I managed to get him back to bed. He sucked on one of his pastilles, and we put a movie on his iPod on, playing through the dock with the sleep timer set for a half hour.
This morning he told me that he was awake for when it shut off, which means another bedtime of past ten. This kid's sleep debt must be racking up something fierce.
This morning I was lucky to not have any problems with him, other than his usual daydreaming and slowness. He even let me hug him goodbye! Perhaps it was because I told both boys they could stay home tomorrow if they wanted, as its some kind of play day with the theme of bullying awareness. Basically, they play some kinds of games outside for the morning, and in the afternoon they watch a movie. The older grades (4-8) are watching The Odd Life of TimothyGreen. I heard this movie was sad, and L is very sensitive to sad movies. The last thing he needs is to watch an emotional movie at school and then get teased for crying. So he's staying home. So much for a full week.
Oh well. ************************************************ Feb 28*************
Bedtime was very late again. We try to get things going before 8:30 normally, but last night we were finishing off a movie we had started the night before. So it was about 9 before we sent them up to bed (they were all ready)but still, L was anxious again about the extra help class and so we talked for a bit and he had a pastille and I set up the iPod for a half hour of him listening to a movie.
I don't think the movie thing is working out too well. He is too tempted to watch it, and so he ends up taking it off the dock like last night. When I went to bed at 10:30, he was still awake. And then at 11, I heard him get up to go to the bathroom, so he still wasn't sleeping yet. This is getting ridiculous and I really hope this isn't turning into a nightly insomnia thing. Lack of sleep just makes him worse, as does hunger. I'm really going to try hard for an earlier bedtime tonight, like 8:00.
I have started him on St. John's Wort. I can't find a whole lot of info about using it for children, although there is a bit. It's like that with most holistic things, I find. No one wants to say anything, because nothing has been "scientifically proven", although there at least has been more research on St. John's Wort than there has been on other types of natural remedies. That being said, I'm watching him as best I can for side effects or allergic reactions, and I am giving him less than half the adult dose. Of course now I wonder if that's even enough, but I can up it to half once I know if his body is ok with it or not (you never know with my family). I also bought some herbal tea with all kinds of good things like cinnamon and chamomile in it for him. It's actually called "happy tea" which made me think it would have cannabis or something in it! As well, I stocked up on Rescue Remedy for the really anxious times, and I also found Rescue Remedy in a pastille form in black currant flavour. I had to point out to L they ARE NOT CANDY and showed him the price tag to prove it ($8!) since he's quite old enough to understand that.
So last night, even though he went to bed ok, he still came downstairs a bit later to have a conversation with me about school. He expressed a huge dislike for this extra help group he goes to during the day for reading and writing. A SERT runs it, and she's one of the ones I like. I know that he just doesn't like work in general, especially reading and writing, so he's looking for excuses why he shouldn't go. Last night it was that some of the kids in the group are bragging about having their work finished first and making him feel bad. We actually managed last night to avoid tears and expressions of self-hatred and somehow I managed to get him back to bed. He sucked on one of his pastilles, and we put a movie on his iPod on, playing through the dock with the sleep timer set for a half hour.
This morning he told me that he was awake for when it shut off, which means another bedtime of past ten. This kid's sleep debt must be racking up something fierce.
This morning I was lucky to not have any problems with him, other than his usual daydreaming and slowness. He even let me hug him goodbye! Perhaps it was because I told both boys they could stay home tomorrow if they wanted, as its some kind of play day with the theme of bullying awareness. Basically, they play some kinds of games outside for the morning, and in the afternoon they watch a movie. The older grades (4-8) are watching The Odd Life of TimothyGreen. I heard this movie was sad, and L is very sensitive to sad movies. The last thing he needs is to watch an emotional movie at school and then get teased for crying. So he's staying home. So much for a full week.
Oh well. ************************************************ Feb 28*************
Bedtime was very late again. We try to get things going before 8:30 normally, but last night we were finishing off a movie we had started the night before. So it was about 9 before we sent them up to bed (they were all ready)but still, L was anxious again about the extra help class and so we talked for a bit and he had a pastille and I set up the iPod for a half hour of him listening to a movie.
I don't think the movie thing is working out too well. He is too tempted to watch it, and so he ends up taking it off the dock like last night. When I went to bed at 10:30, he was still awake. And then at 11, I heard him get up to go to the bathroom, so he still wasn't sleeping yet. This is getting ridiculous and I really hope this isn't turning into a nightly insomnia thing. Lack of sleep just makes him worse, as does hunger. I'm really going to try hard for an earlier bedtime tonight, like 8:00.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Feb 25
This morning was extremely difficult. Or maybe I just felt like it was, and it wasn't much more than other times when I've given in and yelled at L.
I tried really hard not to yell, and reminded myself many times that this isn't my child, that this is his illness, but it's hard. Again, where do I draw the line between acceptance that he can't help this, and realization of bad behaviour? I struggle so with this, and can't wait to talk to a psychologist to have a professional opinion.
As a side note, I'm sitting in the OB/GYN office waiting for my appointment. I'm watching all these pregnant ladies go in and out with their husbands, and sometimes toddler as well. I look at their faces and see all the excitement and anticipation they have for this new life. This is the very office I was in when I was pregnant with L. The same dr, the same excitement and anticipation. Wow, that was nearly ten years ago, and never did I imagine this is how that small precious life would play out.
Anyhow, last night wasn't too bad. I know there were feelings there for him, anxiety, and despair as well for the looming school day to come. But with the promise of earning a puzzle piece (he's decided his prize is work gloves, safety goggles and a hammer for "mining" rocks) he went to bed fairly well.
Again, I'm not sure if this is right, this bribery. Am I bribing him to behave so I have an easier time, and is that fair to him? Am I bribing him to suppress those feelings, to stifle the urge to tell me all of them? Yes, that's easier for me, but not necessarily easier for him.
He didn't speak to me in the morning, and gave me a hard time about doing anything I asked. He even sat down in a snow bank on the way to school so that I had to physically hoist him up and push him along. Once at school, he didn't acknowledge me but went to his lineup and sat down. I waited, spying on him until the bell rang and he went in, because I honestly didn't know if he would try to skip off.
After school, he was speaking again, although still disgruntled about having to go to school, and he told me that some kids were picking on him. When I asked about what, it was a story I'd heard before. Apparently, one day L let it be known that he didn't believe in God or organized religion. I had warned him that if he threw that in people's faces, that there would be repercussions. Some people will take great offence to that, no matter where you are. So he told me that there are a few kids that just won't leave it alone, and keep asking him why he doesn't believe, or that he's wrong, or stupid for not believing. He did tell me he told the teacher, but ever-helpful that she is, she just told him to ignore them. I don't know how many times I need to spell it out for this woman, but once more apparently. What seems trivial and like a childish argument (and it would be for a "normal" child) is NOT trivial to L!! He needs the teachers to help him out. If one kid or two are "picking" on him, to L, it's EVERYONE hates him! And while I know that's not true, I think he believes it at times, just as an anorexic believes they are fat.
Sigh. When he was in a more positive frame of mind, I discussed it more with him, and talked to him about how this kid is just trying to get a rise out of him, and how he's actually REALLY good at ignoring people, like he did to me that morning. Hopefully he'll give that a try tomorrow, or whenever it happens again.
He went to bed well tonight, which was surprising. He was asking me if he gets a puzzle piece, so he wants to earn them. He also ended up staying up late reading a graphic novel-type book I got for him from the library. The times he reads voluntarily are few and far between, so it pains me greatly to have to tell him to stop and go to sleep, like I would to R. Plus we had said to him before that if his mind is worried at bedtime, to try reading, so I can't exactly tell him to stop. I guess he'll be tired tomorrow.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Feb 23
I guess I had this naive idea that weekend nights would be better than week nights. Generally, they are, and I suppose I'd come to expect that they just should be.
But tonight wasn't great. The day had been good, but ended when DH got angry at L for whining. Actually, it started with L repeating over and over again a line from an annoying song. While it was nice that he was happy enough to sing, the song was less than desirable to have in my head, and he was asked to stop several times. So after about the third time, DH told him to stop. L said, "Sooooorrrreeeeee" in a very whiny voice which led to DH telling him to stop whining, more whining, and so on. He stormed off upstairs. After about twenty minutes, DH went up to see how he was, but he wouldn't speak to him or make eye contact.
Eventually,I went up and we had a conversation. I tried to explain to him that he shouldn't have been whining, that all he needed to do was stop, take a breath, maybe count to ten and proceed in a calm normal voice to say he was sorry.
He tried to tell me that daddy ruined his perfectly happy day (uh-huh, yeah) and it went from there. I can't recount everything we said, because our conversations seem to go in circles. Me saying something logical, him twisting it and being far too literal, me reiterating and trying to fine-tune my message, him interrupting me with a completely far-fetched and loosely connected scenario trying to prove me wrong, and so on....
Somehow we came around to going out to pick a "prize", to try this incentive program. He started crying saying he'll never be able to earn it. I don't know if he's feeling overwhelmed and defeated before he starts,or if he's just setting himself and me up for his failure, so he doesn't really have to even try. I laid down some rules for earning a piece of puzzle towards this prize, hoping that would ease his mind and show him that it's achievable. But he was in just too negative a frame of mind.
The evening ended with him trying to tape his bedroom doorknob up so it couldn't be turned, then me leaving without really saying a proper goodnight, because apparently he hates himself and (said screaming because I started to walk away at this point) he HATES HIS FAMILY!!
I just long for those days when we'd get a hug and kiss (soooooo long ago) and an "I love you Mommy, night-night."
But tonight wasn't great. The day had been good, but ended when DH got angry at L for whining. Actually, it started with L repeating over and over again a line from an annoying song. While it was nice that he was happy enough to sing, the song was less than desirable to have in my head, and he was asked to stop several times. So after about the third time, DH told him to stop. L said, "Sooooorrrreeeeee" in a very whiny voice which led to DH telling him to stop whining, more whining, and so on. He stormed off upstairs. After about twenty minutes, DH went up to see how he was, but he wouldn't speak to him or make eye contact.
Eventually,I went up and we had a conversation. I tried to explain to him that he shouldn't have been whining, that all he needed to do was stop, take a breath, maybe count to ten and proceed in a calm normal voice to say he was sorry.
He tried to tell me that daddy ruined his perfectly happy day (uh-huh, yeah) and it went from there. I can't recount everything we said, because our conversations seem to go in circles. Me saying something logical, him twisting it and being far too literal, me reiterating and trying to fine-tune my message, him interrupting me with a completely far-fetched and loosely connected scenario trying to prove me wrong, and so on....
Somehow we came around to going out to pick a "prize", to try this incentive program. He started crying saying he'll never be able to earn it. I don't know if he's feeling overwhelmed and defeated before he starts,or if he's just setting himself and me up for his failure, so he doesn't really have to even try. I laid down some rules for earning a piece of puzzle towards this prize, hoping that would ease his mind and show him that it's achievable. But he was in just too negative a frame of mind.
The evening ended with him trying to tape his bedroom doorknob up so it couldn't be turned, then me leaving without really saying a proper goodnight, because apparently he hates himself and (said screaming because I started to walk away at this point) he HATES HIS FAMILY!!
I just long for those days when we'd get a hug and kiss (soooooo long ago) and an "I love you Mommy, night-night."
Friday, February 22, 2013
Feb 22
Once again, L was home from school today (another 2- day school week, sigh). Last night at around 11:30, he woke up and puked, then felt very nauseous for the rest of the night until he finally gave in to the Gravol and slept. In the morning he was in better spirits than yesterday,(go figure he was staying home from school) but he continued to have an upset stomach for the day and ate only small amounts of bland food. By this evening, I'm sure he was feeling ok since he REALLY wanted to have some pizza, but under the advisement not to, he decided it was better to wait until tomorrow instead of pushing it.
Then came bedtime. At 8:25 I turned off the tv and announced time for bed, at which point he protested and whined. Then, suddenly and magically he was feeling nauseous again.
Hmm.
Now I know he isn't making it up, but I'm pretty convinced that he's making himself nauseous with stress or worry or whatever.
Over what, though?
He's not going to school tomorrow as it's Saturday, and he doesn't have homework for the weekend, so I can only think that he is worrying himself sick over being sick.
Ridiculous, eh?
I gave him some more Gravol to hopefully relax him and induce sleep and we put a movie on in his room with the timer set for 40 mins.
He was fine then, for forty mins.
Then he came downstairs, crying that he felt nauseous again. So the thing that was taking his mind off feeling sick was off and now he had nothing to distract him. The movie thing is great, only he won't fall asleep to it, which would be ideal. He just stays awake watching it, then starts the pattern all over again.
I told DH that I'm worried now this is something else to add to his list, and now instead of crying and/or screaming and/or lamenting, we'll have to endure increasing hours of nausea.
Well, he will, and I'll have to endure sitting there rubbing his back and wishing I could take it away, and both of us not getting all the sleep we need.
I don't doubt that L's sleep debt is racking up, but it seems like no matter what, lately we can't seem to get him more sleep. Earlier bedtimes get stretched to late ones, late ones become later, telling him to sleep in is like telling your newborn to sleep in. He wants to sleep in on school days of course, but on days he doesn't need to be up, he's ALWAYS awake before 7. I even tried to get him to nap today. We both lied down on the couch, the tv off, fireplace on, blankets on all cozy, and who slept?
Yes, me.
When I cracked my eyes open, I could see he had retrieved his iPod and was playing that. He said he slept a bit, but I don't believe it.
So as of now, it's 10:15 and I'm wishing I could go to bed, and I will soon. But I need him to be asleep first, because honestly, I'd rather stay awake all night than be woken an hour after drifting off to "MOOOOMMMEEEEEEEE!"
Fingers crossed he's asleep now.
Please, please be asleep.
Then came bedtime. At 8:25 I turned off the tv and announced time for bed, at which point he protested and whined. Then, suddenly and magically he was feeling nauseous again.
Hmm.
Now I know he isn't making it up, but I'm pretty convinced that he's making himself nauseous with stress or worry or whatever.
Over what, though?
He's not going to school tomorrow as it's Saturday, and he doesn't have homework for the weekend, so I can only think that he is worrying himself sick over being sick.
Ridiculous, eh?
I gave him some more Gravol to hopefully relax him and induce sleep and we put a movie on in his room with the timer set for 40 mins.
He was fine then, for forty mins.
Then he came downstairs, crying that he felt nauseous again. So the thing that was taking his mind off feeling sick was off and now he had nothing to distract him. The movie thing is great, only he won't fall asleep to it, which would be ideal. He just stays awake watching it, then starts the pattern all over again.
I told DH that I'm worried now this is something else to add to his list, and now instead of crying and/or screaming and/or lamenting, we'll have to endure increasing hours of nausea.
Well, he will, and I'll have to endure sitting there rubbing his back and wishing I could take it away, and both of us not getting all the sleep we need.
I don't doubt that L's sleep debt is racking up, but it seems like no matter what, lately we can't seem to get him more sleep. Earlier bedtimes get stretched to late ones, late ones become later, telling him to sleep in is like telling your newborn to sleep in. He wants to sleep in on school days of course, but on days he doesn't need to be up, he's ALWAYS awake before 7. I even tried to get him to nap today. We both lied down on the couch, the tv off, fireplace on, blankets on all cozy, and who slept?
Yes, me.
When I cracked my eyes open, I could see he had retrieved his iPod and was playing that. He said he slept a bit, but I don't believe it.
So as of now, it's 10:15 and I'm wishing I could go to bed, and I will soon. But I need him to be asleep first, because honestly, I'd rather stay awake all night than be woken an hour after drifting off to "MOOOOMMMEEEEEEEE!"
Fingers crossed he's asleep now.
Please, please be asleep.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Feb 21
Today I had every intention of sending L to school for the morning and having his dad pick him up before his appt with the lady at home and then his paed. appt.
However, just before six this morning, he was in the bathroom with an upset tummy. I don't know if this is a bit of a bug, leftover tummy upset from his antibiotics, or stress. It could be a combo of all for all I know.
So, feeling sorry for him, I let him stay home. And while he didn't have to run to the toilet again, he did seem in discomfort during the day, didn't want to eat much, and I could actually hear his tummy gurgling away sometimes.
We had our appt with the lady from the children's mental health place at 1:00, but she didn't ask much and only stayed a half hour. I'm starting to wonder what she is even coming for. She asked if he'd tried any of her previous suggestions, which he hadn't much, and gave us a few more such as: to try picking an incentive to work towards for good behaviour at bedtime, try using music or some sound on his iPod to listen to when he can't fall asleep, and write down his worries at night to help them "be off his mind".
Here's why I don't think any of this will work; she seems to be treating this as some sort of choice for him. Like, I'm all for an incentive program, but his bedtime issues aren't really all behaviour. I don't think he can help what's happening. If I could reward him for not being sad or anxious at bedtime, that would be great, but to me, that just seems like I'm asking him to pretend everything is ok for my sake and for the sake of getting the prize at the end.
However, since I'm not a professional, and I'm desperate to try many things, I'll give it a whirl.
The iPod trick could work, as it works for many adults I know, so we'll see about that.
The writing down part likely won't happen because first of all, he HATES writing, and second of all, I'm not sure he'll be so inclined to turn the light on and put pen to paper at 9:30 at night. I just don't see it happening.
After that, he went to his paed appt with his dad and from what DH told me what the dr said is that: A) psychiatrists are covered under OHIP, which I didn't know. There are three child ones where we live, and he said two he wouldn't send us to, and the other is likely booked for a year or more (Oy, vey)
B) we can put him on medication if we wish, either Prozac or Zoloft I believe. It's up to us, and we can wait until we see a psychiatrist, psychologist, or whatever or do it now. He said (and I agree) that its like his mind is stuck in a rut, and he won't get better if we just ignore it. The rut will become deeper, and could lead to him actually harming himself. Medication could give his rut time to heal....we need to think on it and do some research obviously.
C) the HSC in Toronto has some sort of Internet based psychiatry, but from what I understood from DH, we have to do it at our hospital. DH asked to be referred to that, but again, another wait there, hopefully not too long.
I think that was about it. Oh, and his ears are clear again, although one eardrum has a small hole that is healing and there could be some scarring there.
I've come to realize over the last few weeks that when L isn't feeling well, his mental symptoms are magnified. So I'm really not looking forward to tonight. Right now he's upstairs playing Lego with DH and R. It's kind of a nice break for me right now, as I had a trying day today all around. I can hear him giggling and laughing, which is nice to hear, but as soon as he gets into that bed I just know there will be tears and more self-depreciating talk and likely some screaming when I leave. I never used to dread bedtimes, but I do now. I used to count the hours and minutes until adult evening time, but now I'm willing the clock to slow down.
At least tomorrow is Friday.
However, just before six this morning, he was in the bathroom with an upset tummy. I don't know if this is a bit of a bug, leftover tummy upset from his antibiotics, or stress. It could be a combo of all for all I know.
So, feeling sorry for him, I let him stay home. And while he didn't have to run to the toilet again, he did seem in discomfort during the day, didn't want to eat much, and I could actually hear his tummy gurgling away sometimes.
We had our appt with the lady from the children's mental health place at 1:00, but she didn't ask much and only stayed a half hour. I'm starting to wonder what she is even coming for. She asked if he'd tried any of her previous suggestions, which he hadn't much, and gave us a few more such as: to try picking an incentive to work towards for good behaviour at bedtime, try using music or some sound on his iPod to listen to when he can't fall asleep, and write down his worries at night to help them "be off his mind".
Here's why I don't think any of this will work; she seems to be treating this as some sort of choice for him. Like, I'm all for an incentive program, but his bedtime issues aren't really all behaviour. I don't think he can help what's happening. If I could reward him for not being sad or anxious at bedtime, that would be great, but to me, that just seems like I'm asking him to pretend everything is ok for my sake and for the sake of getting the prize at the end.
However, since I'm not a professional, and I'm desperate to try many things, I'll give it a whirl.
The iPod trick could work, as it works for many adults I know, so we'll see about that.
The writing down part likely won't happen because first of all, he HATES writing, and second of all, I'm not sure he'll be so inclined to turn the light on and put pen to paper at 9:30 at night. I just don't see it happening.
After that, he went to his paed appt with his dad and from what DH told me what the dr said is that: A) psychiatrists are covered under OHIP, which I didn't know. There are three child ones where we live, and he said two he wouldn't send us to, and the other is likely booked for a year or more (Oy, vey)
B) we can put him on medication if we wish, either Prozac or Zoloft I believe. It's up to us, and we can wait until we see a psychiatrist, psychologist, or whatever or do it now. He said (and I agree) that its like his mind is stuck in a rut, and he won't get better if we just ignore it. The rut will become deeper, and could lead to him actually harming himself. Medication could give his rut time to heal....we need to think on it and do some research obviously.
C) the HSC in Toronto has some sort of Internet based psychiatry, but from what I understood from DH, we have to do it at our hospital. DH asked to be referred to that, but again, another wait there, hopefully not too long.
I think that was about it. Oh, and his ears are clear again, although one eardrum has a small hole that is healing and there could be some scarring there.
I've come to realize over the last few weeks that when L isn't feeling well, his mental symptoms are magnified. So I'm really not looking forward to tonight. Right now he's upstairs playing Lego with DH and R. It's kind of a nice break for me right now, as I had a trying day today all around. I can hear him giggling and laughing, which is nice to hear, but as soon as he gets into that bed I just know there will be tears and more self-depreciating talk and likely some screaming when I leave. I never used to dread bedtimes, but I do now. I used to count the hours and minutes until adult evening time, but now I'm willing the clock to slow down.
At least tomorrow is Friday.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Feb 19
Ignore the spelling, it's not his strong suit.
This is the message I found in L's room waiting for me. He did it this morning, when he was supposed to be getting dressed for school. He didn't want to go to school this morning, of course, but it wasn't as bad this morning as some others mornings. I wasn't great either. My plan to wake him earlier and hopefully schedule in that delay/stall time of his worked, but only just. I need to schedule in more I think. I woke him around 7:10, got out his clothes (it's just one less step for him to use as an excuse to go slower if I do it) and he still wasn't dressed and downstairs before 8. At that point I was getting very annoyed, and ended up yelling, just a little though. And he did get fair warning too, like, "You are starting to make me very angry!" and the like, stated MANY times!
Well, I did get him off to school, and after school he seemed fairly happy. We had a weird altercation with a friend who was supposed to come over to play, but never did, but to avoid a long story, L ended up having a different friend over to play, one whom I like much better anyway.
Bedtime wasn't too bad, he kept delaying it by stalling, but I'll take that over the crying and lamenting of late.
FEB 20
This morning was more stalling to get dressed, but I tempted him downstairs with fresh mango. He wasn't too bad with going off to school, but I never got a goodbye as usual. I don't know whether to make a big deal about that or not. It bugs me, of course. I've gotten used to no longer getting a goodbye hug (sadly), but lately, this ignoring me when I say goodbye to him really annoys me. It's rude, quite frankly, and I've always tried to teach my kids manners as best I can. I understand that he's annoyed about having to go to school, and that I'm the scapegoat, and I've come to terms with that. He has to be angry with someone, and I'd rather he be angry with me than himself, or his brother, or another kid. But should I make him say goodbye? It's another battle I just don't think I've got it in me to fight. I want to stick to my principles, to my guns, and tell him that's extremely rude to not acknowledge someone when they talk to you. But is it worth it? If I do fight this fight, I think all I'm going to get is a sour look and maybe a mumbled "bye"anyway. And that's not what I want.
I want a happy bye. Or at least a goodbye with a resigned look or something.
So tonight was a late night. It seems bedtime is getting later, instead of earlier. He's had some homework these past few nights, so I felt like it would ease some of the pain of it if I let him have his playtime afterwards. Well,playtime led to tv time, which always becomes, "But I just wanna watch thiiisssssss......" and I end up letting them stay up to see the end of whatever they're watching.
Then came the in-bed lamenting. Tonight it was something to do with how he wants to invent stuff, but no one will understand him, and he can't do it in this body, and why can't no one be famous and everyone be the same, and when I finally realized the stall tactics and left, it was a screamed out "IM STUPID!!!" which I ignored.
All I can say is that I'm just glad I didn't have to endure the "I hate my life, I have no friends, I want to die, I wish someone could understand and I can't take this anymore" tonight. That's harder to take, and especially hard leaving your son to cry himself to sleep.
Tomorrow we have another appt with the lady from the children's mental health place, and he also has an appt with his paediatrician. I'm curious to know what he'll say.
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