Feb 25

This morning was extremely difficult. Or maybe I just felt like it was, and it wasn't much more than other times when I've given in and yelled at L.
I tried really hard not to yell, and reminded myself many times that this isn't my child, that this is his illness, but it's hard. Again, where do I draw the line between acceptance that he can't help this, and realization of bad behaviour? I struggle so with this, and can't wait to talk to a psychologist to have a professional opinion.
As a side note, I'm sitting in the OB/GYN office waiting for my appointment. I'm watching all these pregnant ladies go in and out with their husbands, and sometimes toddler as well. I look at their faces and see all the excitement and anticipation they have for this new life. This is the very office I was in when I was pregnant with L. The same dr, the same excitement and anticipation. Wow, that was nearly ten years ago, and never did I imagine this is how that small precious life would play out.
Anyhow, last night wasn't too bad. I know there were feelings there for him, anxiety, and despair as well for the looming school day to come. But with the promise of earning a puzzle piece (he's decided his prize is work gloves, safety goggles and a hammer for "mining" rocks) he went to bed fairly well.
Again, I'm not sure if this is right, this bribery. Am I bribing him to behave so I have an easier time, and is that fair to him? Am I bribing him to suppress those feelings, to stifle the urge to tell me all of them? Yes, that's easier for me, but not necessarily easier for him.
He didn't speak to me in the morning, and gave me a hard time about doing anything I asked. He even sat down in a snow bank on the way to school so that I had to physically hoist him up and push him along. Once at school, he didn't acknowledge me but went to his lineup and sat down. I waited, spying on him until the bell rang and he went in, because I honestly didn't know if he would try to skip off.
After school, he was speaking again, although still disgruntled about having to go to school, and he told me that some kids were picking on him. When I asked about what, it was a story I'd heard before. Apparently, one day L let it be known that he didn't believe in God or organized religion. I had warned him that if he threw that in people's faces, that there would be repercussions. Some people will take great offence to that, no matter where you are. So he told me that there are a few kids that just won't leave it alone, and keep asking him why he doesn't believe, or that he's wrong, or stupid for not believing. He did tell me he told the teacher, but ever-helpful that she is, she just told him to ignore them. I don't know how many times I need to spell it out for this woman, but once more apparently. What seems trivial and like a childish argument (and it would be for a "normal" child) is NOT trivial to L!! He needs the teachers to help him out. If one kid or two are "picking" on him, to L, it's EVERYONE hates him! And while I know that's not true, I think he believes it at times, just as an anorexic believes they are fat.
Sigh. When he was in a more positive frame of mind, I discussed it more with him, and talked to him about how this kid is just trying to get a rise out of him, and how he's actually REALLY good at ignoring people, like he did to me that morning. Hopefully he'll give that a try tomorrow, or whenever it happens again.
He went to bed well tonight, which was surprising. He was asking me if he gets a puzzle piece, so he wants to earn them. He also ended up staying up late reading a graphic novel-type book I got for him from the library. The times he reads voluntarily are few and far between, so it pains me greatly to have to tell him to stop and go to sleep, like I would to R. Plus we had said to him before that if his mind is worried at bedtime, to try reading, so I can't exactly tell him to stop. I guess he'll be tired tomorrow.