Saturday, January 30, 2010


Hi, my name is Jennifer, and I'm addicted to chocolate. I truly believe I am, on some level. Not as bad as an alcoholic, but maybe somewhat closer to a smoker. I need it. I crave it. At certain times of the day, of the week, of the month. Usually I can get by with a couple of squares, or bites. Other times, no. I take one bite and it's like a crack in the dam. Every subsequent bite thereafter splits the crack wider until it's an unstoppable flow.
I was desperate for some chocolate the other day. I even posted my craving on FB. My sister, N, who incidentally does not really even like chocolate, responded back to, get this, "eat an APPLE!" She heard, apparently, that they get rid of the craving. I had to laugh my ass off at that one. Spoken like a true health nut. She just doesn't understand chocolate at all.
But, to be fair to her (and to my own resolution to eat less, exercise more, and be healthier) I tried it yesterday. I had finished my workout with the Wii Active, and was craving something sweet at the usual time of day. The top cupboard in my kitchen beckoned to me, whispering sweetly in my ear like a lover, "Come, eat me, I'm here for your pleasure, I'm all yours...It's ok... you worked's safe..."
"No!" I refused. And I turned instead to the fridge to retrieve an apple. As I sat munching the crunchy, sweet goodness, all I could think about was...
And when I finished the last bite and placed the core neatly in the greenbin, do you know what I did?
I went straight to the top cupboard, apologizing profusely to my spurned lover, and he welcomed me back with open arms.

Friday, January 15, 2010


I am having a difficult time lately with L. It seems we are ALWAYS fighting. He and I. I really think that our personalities clash, whereas R and I match. I understand R. I DO NOT understand L.
So I am feeling a lot of guilt. You know, the main emotion of motherhood.
I don't like constantly badgering him. But I have always (or at least I hope) been the type of mom to carry through with expectations. I don't like to be lenient with one child, and not the other. If I say to do something, it should be done.
Now, I'm no tyrant. It's not like I'm asking him to scrub the floors, or even clean the toilets. It's small stuff, like, get dressed, time for school, come for dinner, brush your teeth, well, you know the mantra. And the answer is (take your pick here) "In a minute" "I don't want to" "Why do I have to?" "Why isn't R?" and many others. Of course the answer to the last one, why isn't R, is usually that he's already done it, being the golden child that he is.
But it's not just that. It's also the whining, and the complaining. How do you get your kids to be grateful for what they have instead of always, wanting, wanting, wanting more? Here is a small example:
I made pancakes for breakfast the other day. Not a common occurance on a weekday, but I was feeling generous and energetic apparantly. L loves pancakes. I also put frozen blueberries in them, knowing that enjoys eating the frozen ones, and also has previously enjoyed the frozen pancakes (commercially made) with blueberries.
After sitting down, he complained about the blueberries. Then the syrup (we make him use a cheaper version since he uses too much), then something else, although I've blocked it memory fails me here.
Why couldn't he just be happy and excited that I had made him pancakes?
While out doing some shopping, L expressed that he wanted a Puffle (a stuffed toy). Disregarding the fact that we have only just had Christmas AND his birthday during which he received 4 different stuffies, I told him that maybe he could buy one with his own birthday money. That was ok with him, but he wanted to go NOW! No, we maybe will go on the weekend. And then the whining starts. "Why do I have to wait? I want to go now! So-and-so has one, I NEED one!"
"But L, you just four stuffies less than a month ago!"
"I don't care, I don't want them!" (not true).
Sigh. I guess he's too spoiled. But his brother is treated the same, if not he gets more, and he's not like this.
Now here's the part I'm struggling with the most. Most of the time, he won't let me give him any affection. He shrugs off hugs and kisses. He definitely won't initiate them. When he cries and I ask what's wrong, he won't tell me, or I have to ask a million times and beg. I guess I should stop doing that now that I see it here in writing. Just let him cry. But that's hard to watch. And the kicker is, last night he said he only loves Daddy. And it wasn't during a heated moment either. He was upset, yes, but it wasn't screamed out while I was punishing him or something.
DH says not to take it to heart. And I'm trying. But part of me is going, "You ungrateful little S.O.B! I carried you for nine months, expelled you without drugs from my womb, ripping myself in half during the process, and gave up my freedom, my body, my sleep, my money, even my health for you, and THIS is how you repay me??!!"
But that's what mothers do, right?
It's just really hard to like him lately. I love him, of course, but like? Hmmm, only when he's asleep!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Winter Blahs

It's that time of year again, the time when I just want to curl up in a ball and hibernate till spring. No one bug me!
I truly hate this time of year. It is depressing. If you're like me, you don't have the money for a vacation, so you're stuck with the grey skies and snowy landscape for a good six months. Going outside to play involves multiple layers of clothing and too much preparation. And then someone has to pee. So, you're stuck inside most of the time, watching your lower half of your body become wider by the second from lack of use.
It's the post-Christmas lull. All the hype, fun, and expectation of Yuletide celebrations is gone. There really is nothing to look forward to other than spring. And that's still too far away to contemplate. No holidays (I don't count Valentine's Day, it's stupid), no vacations, no time off.
So I am taking it one week or month at a time. This year, I am really trying hard to not let myself fall into that pattern of depression. I am counting off all the things I have to look forward to, no matter how small. So here they are:
*My youngest sister's baby shower
*The birth of my niece (coming at the end of Feb)
*Family Day, Feb 15 (at least one day off from work, although unpaid for the most part. For those of you that are American, this is a day our government brought in recently to give people a day off between New Year's and Easter, as we don't have a President's Day)
*A dinner date with another couple using a gift card I received for Xmas (sometime early Feb)
*A local hockey game we have tickets for
*Weekly skating trips with the fandamily (and I got new skates so I can't wait to try them out!)
*At some point, taking the boys snowtubing and/or skiing for the first time (I say I'm going to do it EVERY year, and never get around to it)
I can't think of anything else, but you get the picture. I am also trying to keep up with my vitamins (as I tend to forget them) and also am taking extra Vit D which apparantly helps us northerners with the lack of sunshine.
Well, there's my boring post. Just a peek inside my ever exciting life.