Thursday, April 5, 2012

Bored Of All The Sameness

Yes, this is a moping post. So, I don't blame you if you don't read it. Go on ahead to the asterisk.
I'm just tired. I'm done.
I've had enough with the same thing, day in, day out. I'm tired of having the same arguments with J (the three year old). "Keep you hands to yourself", "Stop being so bossy", "No running in the house" etc, etc, etc,. I'm tired of time-outs not working, of having to report the same thing to his mom. I'm tired of his sauciness and sass-back. (And to be honest, I'm tired of not being able to REALLY do what I want when he does that.) And I'm tired of nothing changing as a result of his mom's non-helpfulness.
I'm tired of having the same arguments with the older kids. "Stop wrestling", "Be nicer to the little kids", "No kicking (or insert any form of physical violence here)" etc, etc, etc,.
I'm tired of L not eating his lunch. I'm tired of trying to come up with ideas for something that he'll both eat, and that is healthy enough to sustain his energy for the day. I'm tired of his grumpy, grumpy moods when he doesn't eat (so, basically every day) and his crying fits and anger tantrums. I'm tired of trying to understand him, and trying to pacify him.
I'm tired of never having enough money. I'm tired of looking at credit card bills, LOC bills, and the unpaid property tax bills. I'm tired of feeling guilty every time we indulge in a movie, or take-out, or other "not necessary" things.
I'm tired of my husband being in school. There are some positives, like he's home more, but at the same time, that's a negative. I know, that doesn't make sense. I like that he's home more for the boys, but I tire of seeing him sitting around doing nothing while I'm working. I'm tired of hearing how he's "studying" with his classmates and they're out for wings, or beer, or pizza, or whatever, while I'm working. I'm tired of not having money BECAUSE he's in school. I fully realize that this is a means to an end, but the meantime is hard.
I'm tired of making lunches, dealing with morning chaos, working all day, trying to fit in household duties into my "breaktime", thinking of what to make and making said dinner, cleaning up the dinner, making sure the kids are ready for and transported to various activities, and making sure they have a bath/shower and are in bed at a reasonable time. Oh, and I'm tired of trying to do my taxes in and amongst all that stuff. And I'm tired of collapsing into bed and waking up early the next day to do it all over again.
I'm tired of the weekend flying by in a haze of nothing but errand-running, laundry-doing, and house-cleaning, and never feeling like we've accomplished anything. I'm tired of the house never really being clean, and seeing the dust thick on top of things, or dirt built up on stuff, and not having the time or will to do anything about it. Trying to keep up with regular cleaning like vacuuming and bathrooms is hard enough.
I'm tired of being too far away from my sisters and family. I'm tired of missing them, of having to plan just to visit them, as opposed to just popping by, and considering the price of gas whenever I do make the trek. I'm tired of feeling guilty for wanting people to come to me, after all, it should be a 50/50 effort really.
I'm tired of our stupid Canadian spring weather. I really hate spring. I wish it could go from snowy to warm and deliciously sunny shorts weather in a few days. Well, it did do that, and then it reverted back to cold and miserable and windy. I'm tired of the spring dirt, all over my house, all over my front entry. Ugh.
*So there's my misery rant. On a positive note, we are off to Niagara Falls for the weekend. We haven't been to Niagara for about a year and a half. We haven't had any sort of vacation for a year now, as it's been a year since Disney. And yes, I know I whined and complained about not having money, but I am desperate, DESPERATE, for this! And I think my family is too. We all really need this getaway. Badly.

Monday, April 2, 2012

A Bit of This, A Bit of That

I have some updates, and some recommendations here. First, I'll do the recommendations...
**CAUTION** If you don't like anything remotely smutty or have a huge aversion to erotica, then don't bother reading this. Recently, I purchased for my Kobo app and read the Fifty Shades Of Grey Trilogy, by E.L. James. I've actually read it before, back when it was under a different name and was classified as Twilight Fan Fiction. But it was such a good story, that I wanted to read it again, and it didn't disappoint. The books are centred around a love story between a very unlikely couple. She's a student, he's rich and powerful. She's loving and kind, he's damaged, but oh, so sweet and sexy. I don't want to give away too much of the story, but it's a great read, and I'll likely read it again soon! The author obviously had to make some changes, since it was originally a piece of fan fiction, but the characters and story are all hers. Be warned though, you can not read just the first book. Actually, I don't even think there is a true end to it. It just leaves you hanging. You could read just the first two books on their own, but then, they're good, so why wouldn't you want more? 

Now, an update on L. We had an appointment with the pediatrician, (DH took him) and the pediatrician really didn't think there was much to worry about. *WHEW* He said a lot of it comes from school, and from being one of the youngest in the class. Plus, let's face it, school hasn't been too good to him. He's had a lot of incompetent teachers. So I spent some time blaming myself, even though I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't help it. It was more of a "Why didn't I listen to my instincts?" type of thing. I was lamenting the fact that I really should not have started him in school when I did. I should have waited until he was at least four. It all spiraled from there. Well, what's done is done. I can't change the past.
Now, we are waiting for an appointment with a counsellor. Even though the Dr. thought he was ok, he still referred us to a counselling service, so that's good. I've answered so many questions to these counsellors already, I'm starting to second-guess myself. Plus, he's been so much better lately. Not as moody, although there are of course, plenty of outbursts. I attribute most of his problem to DH. When he's around more, L is happier. Simple fact. But he can't be around more, that's all there is to it, it's life. He will have to graduate school and go back to working full time. So, I don't know if his moodiness will get worse again then. Plus, when DH goes back to work this time, it will coincide with the beginning of a new school year, another tough time for L. It won't be a good combo.

Lastly, an update on me. Back in the beginning of Feb, I had laproscopic surgery.Yesterday, I had my follow up appointment. Since I received my diagnosis of stage four endometriosis, I've been doing some reading, helped along by my good friend Lisa who sent me some info on the disease itself plus info on new medication that is available. I felt much more prepared going in to this appointment having some background information and questions prepared. Plus, DH came with me and had questions too. I can't imagine how I would have felt not knowing I even had this before my appointment. Again, I have to wonder, why wouldn't the doctor have come to see me after my surgery? Why did I have to make what was made to seem as an unorthodox phone call, to see what happened? Anyway, that was one question I forgot to ask. It doesn't change anything anyway.
Basically, I need a hysterectomy. There is no way around it. It's only a matter of when. Right now, I can keep going along as I am. I haven't had an "attack" for several months, so here's hoping it stays that way. The new medication is supposed to prevent any further growth of the endo. Eventually, if I never have the surgery, the endo could compromise my bowel. I don't want that.
So I have two choices. #1. I can wait for an indefinite amount of time to see a specialist in Hamilton. My OBGYN here recommended him, saying he's the best of the best around, and he specializes in removing endo and performing hysterectomies by laproscopic surgery. My OBGYN said himself that he wasn't good enough to perform the hysterectomy by laproscopy (not sure if that's the word or not). He is too worried about the attachment to my bowel, and that is a very touchy area. The slightest wrong move, and he could nick the bowel. Then I'd have a whole host of other problems! So the pros to this is that A) I don't have to have invasive surgery, therefore less dangerous  B) the recovery would be faster. The cons are that A) it's in Hamilton (at least 2 hour drive from here) B) I don't know this doctor yet (what if he's an arrogant asshole?) C) I may have to wait a long time for an appointment and surgery D) the OBGYN said I don't need to stay in hospital, they send you home (WHAT?! Not what I would want at all, I'd like at least one night in hospital so I know everything is ok). That all being said, I'd say the pros still outweigh the cons.
My #2 choice is to stay here with my own OBGYN, have the surgery whenever, and it's a three or so day stay in hospital with a *GULP* 6 to 8 week recovery time. That's for most people to go back to work. I'm sure that people who work for themselves and/or have young children go back to work far sooner than that. The surgery is far more invasive, involving cutting me open, and manhandling of all my innards, including the bowel. My mom, who is an OR nurse, says that even if they don't cut the bowel, just handling it can cause it to shut down, or stick together inside or other really "fun" stuff. The only real pros I see to this scenario are A) it's faster (being resolved), B) I know the doctor and he's very kind and considerate, C) I would get to stay in my own hospital and have friends visit me, D) I wouldn't have a long, uncomfortable drive home after surgery, just a short one.
For now, I'm waiting to see how long I'll have to wait for an appt with Dr. Fantastic. I keep taking my new pill, and in three months I have an appt to go back to my own OBGYN and let him know how I'm progressing with that. Hopefully if I am doing well on this pill, he'll give me more for free.