Friday, January 28, 2011


Yesterday was the day that I've been waiting for - Cast Removal Day. I had to book the day off with all my parents, but I was still doing before and after school. Of course, it was the usual hurry up and wait at the hospital, what with waiting to register, then waiting to be called in to have the cast removed, which wasn't too long, and so on. The removal process was literally less than a minute. The guy took the saw thing, and zip - down one side, then zip- down the other side, then he used scissors to cut through the batting and snap, off it came with a shower of dead skin flakes.
Ew, yeah, I know.
Then he shooed me off to x-ray.
At first, my arm felt very naked and vulnerable. I immediately wanted to protect it, instead of revelling in the freedom. While sitting and waiting for my x-ray, I experimented gently with how far one way or another I could bend my wrist. It's not too bad, actually. I think the fact that I used my hand so much for the 6.5 weeks, plus the fact that I could and did wiggle my arm around inside the cast helped. I can bend my wrist back farther than I can forward, but even today it is more flexible and less sore than yesterday afternoon. Yesterday there were a few times that I got a sharp stabbing pain shooting down my arm when I positioned my thumb a certain way. I haven't had that today, or maybe I just haven't put my thumb in that position.
But I expected all this stuff; the dead skin, the weird feeling, the weakness/stiffness. What I didn't expect was how sensitive my skin is now where the cast covered it. It's strange. If I stroke my wrist or arm, it's so sensitive that it borders on irritating. And my palm is sensing things differently than my other palm. That's the weirdest part. I put my hand down on my bare knee, which is a tad stubbly since being shaved about a week ago. With my left hand (cast one), it felt very pokey and rough. With my right, it just felt a little stubbly, but not very. I put my left hand down on the computer desk here, and the temperature felt so cold I thought it was wet. I put my right hand down, and it just felt cool, not cold. Fascinating.
It shows as adults how desensitized our skin and expecially our hands are. I wonder how much more sensitive a newborn baby's skin feels? No wonder they cry about everything! The softest blanket to us, could feel rough and chafing to them.
Anyhow, I was happy to be finally free and able to put my winter jacket back together (I'd had to pull the liner out and use one of DH's sweatshirts because the liner's arm wouldn't fit over the cast.) I also got to finally put a glove on my left hand! After seeing the Dr., who congratulated me on healing so well (whatever, like I did that on purpose!) I was sent to a nearby building to purchase a brace, just like one you'd wear for roller blading. So I'll be wearing that for skiing, and I wore it last night to bed because I was afraid I'd wrench my wrist in my sleep or something.
Speaking of skiing, I was really hoping to go this weekend, since I can wear my coat properly, and mitts and everything. Now of course I feel like I'm coming down with a cold.
Of course.
The universe hates me.
I haven't had a cold AT ALL this winter!! Definitely not since I got the cast on. I couldn't have come down with a cold last weekend, when it was like hell had frozen over temperatures and we had nothing to do but hang out inside the house all weekend! Oh nooooo, of course not. So I am taking aconite (a homeopathic remedy), drinking green tea with ginseng, and I might even consider taking some of that nasty cold-fx that makes me feel nauseous and gives me heartburn.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Back On

I do not like this, not one little bit. After about a six month hiatus, I've gone back on the pill. I stopped taking it during the summer not because we wanted to try for another kid, but because I was getting headaches every day. So I stopped taking the pill to see if that was part of the problem. I don't really think it was, because the headaches didn't magically stop, but I stayed off the pill because I was happier without it.
Weird, I know.
Since being on and off the pill several times after L's birth, I've noticed that there are a few side-effects. None of these are terribly horrible things I can't live with, but they are unwanted. One is that the pill causes me to have MORE acne, which is completely contrary to popular belief. Another is lower libido, which is a normal side-effect. And the last one that I hate hate HATE is my mood swings. You would think that the pill would help that, since you are taking an even dose of hormone, but I think for some reason it just adds to the hormones I already have or something. I am much more even-tempered off the pill, and I don't like feeling this way, so out of control. It's part of the reason why I hate to drink, because I don't like to feel out of control of myself.
I find I lose my temper with the kids very easily. They are the poor ones who suffer, whose mother/babysitter doesn't have the patience to remember their age or developmental level, or the ability to step back and realize they aren't doing this out of vindictiveness or to simply piss me off. It's like I go from zero to blowing up in less than a heartbeat.
I hate myself for that.
Sometimes I recognize that I'm getting that way, and other times I don't. I'm out of practise right now, because although I've surely lost my temper in the past six pill-free months, I haven't gone from one extreme to the next. It's been more like zero, to ten, to 50 then to boiling point. And the slower boil can usually be diffused earlier.
Am I making sense?
Take today for example.
It's a PA day. For those of you that don't understand that term, it means Professional Activity Day. Simply put, kids are home while teachers are doing God Knows What.
So my boys are home along with my regular babies and one other 7 year old boy, R. It has also been a very very cold day. I do believe it's actually the coldest day we've had so far this winter, -25C, without windchill factored in.
Needless to say, they've been cooped up in the house all day on top of all weekend. And they. Are. Crazy.
Now so am I.
After a day long full of pounding feet up and down hallways, laughing, hooting, giggling, screaming and shouting, I lost it.
The babies were supposed to be sleeping, it was supposed to be my down time, and after multiple warnings the boys were still being silly and wild.
So I told them that was it, they were going outside.
As I was downstairs changing one woken baby's diaper, I could still hear thump, thump, thump, thump up and down the hallway above me. It was all I could do to get that baby's pants back on before the Incredible Hulk burst out of me.
I may have run up the stairs.
I may have grabbed the first child I saw (who happened to be L and was the one doing the thumping.)
I may have squeezed the tops of his arms a little too hard, just enough to show I meant business, as I shouted at him.
I may have made him cry.
Bad mommy Hulk.
You see what I mean? I feel like my temper goes out of control, and I do things I regret. But the worst part is is that I can feel the stress and anger flowing through me afterwards, almost like a physical force. It's almost alien. And when I finally calm down, I cry. I'm sorry for losing it, and for being a bad parent.
I don't want you all to think I have some sort of psychological disorder. I'm sure I don't. I do have enough presence of mind to NEVER lay a hand on any child not my own. And to not harm my own children either, even though I will admit to a small slap once or twice in the past. And I say past because it was, and I wouldn't do it again.
But I'm getting off topic. So I hate the mood swings and not feeling myself. But I had to try going back on because my periods were getting too painful, and I'm worried that I have surgery in my future. I was once told by an OB/GYN that the pill should help, although it probably will continue to get worse. So until my hubby is in a better position for me to be taking time off work for things like surgery, I will have to hope that the pill does the job. I'll let you know in a few weeks or months.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Weight Woes

This is the second attempt at writing this blog entry. Hopefully all goes well. As an aside:
Ok, I'm better now.

As I'm sure you've heard me mention before, I'm not entirely happy with my body shape. Of course it's not what it used to be. I'm not 20 anymore, and I've had two children which stretched my muscles and skin all to hell. I could lose 25 pounds and I'd still be saggy. Right now I'd be just fine with 10 lbs.
I know I need to tone up.
I know I need some cardio/aerobic exercise.
I know I need to stop eating all my baking!!
I also know that I've been coming to terms with the fact that I'll NEVER wear a bikini again without the aid of either A)surgery to remove the extra fat/skin/bulging veins/unsightly stretch marks or B)some sort of lobotomy/medication/hypnosis to make me not care about showing off all the above things in public.
It's ok to come to terms with being not so attractive, right? Or is it like giving up? Because according to my DH, it's not ok. He has some idealistic vision of me in his head looking like I did when I was in college. He actually thinks this is attainable again. Pfffftt.
I wish he would be like other husbands and just tell me I'm beautiful to him no matter what. I wish he would realize the gift and sacrifice of bearing his children. I also wish he would look in a mirror.
He's no prize. He's probably gained 20 pounds since college, and at least I have the excuse of bearing children!!
Lately he looks fatter to me. I see it in his gut, his chest, arms and most of all, his face and neck. It's not enough for me to say, "Ugh, you disgust me, where's my blindfold?", because he's still him. But it is enough to make me bite my tongue a little when I see him walking around in the bedroom.
And I do bite my tongue. Because my mom always told me, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!" Plus I've been on the receiving end of his criticism, and the truth hurts, y'all. I know my remarking on his weight gain would only lead him to remark on my own body, and I really don't want to hear it. It's not like I don't think about it mostly every damn day!
So I've tried to subtlely suggest that he get back to playing ballhockey. A few times. To no avail.
Yesterday I stupidly tried to stand in the kitchen and take my own measurments for a bathing suit I desperately need and was hoping to purchase online. (That takes the pain out of bathing suit shopping somehow, doing it online.) L said, "Are you trying to see how fat you are Mommy?"
I have no idea where he got that from, as I've always tried to be conscientious about not dwelling on fat and body image around my kids. He must have got it from his father.
So I swallowed my pride and said, "No I'm trying to get a measurement so I can buy a bathing suit."
DH didn't miss a beat. He piped up immediately to claim, "Yes, we both need to work on losing some weight."
I ask you, did I ask for a comment like that? Did I set myself up for that? It wasn't like I was complaining about my size or weight or anything. I was just innocently taking measurements.
Why did he have to drag me into that? Couldn't he just have said he needed to lose weight, and hoped his initiative would catch on? At least aside from my normal 1-5 lb fluctuations, I have remained the same weight for the past few years.
Just for that, I'd like to work hard and lose weight and tone up. Then I could throw it in his face and call him a lard-ass next time he says something like that. But I'd have to hide it from him, and that would be kind of difficult.
Or maybe that was his secret agenda. To goad me into doing just that.
Maybe I'll sit around eating chocolate for the next month and gain another ten pounds just to spite him.
HAH! Take that lard ass!!

Thursday, January 6, 2011


Recently I downloaded an app on my iPod touch that is called Kobo. You have probably heard of E-readers, well Kobo is a brand of one. They are sold a lot in Chapters, as far as I can tell. Anyhow, I decided to give this app a whirl, since I do love to read and I got a Chapters gift card for Xmas from one of the daycare parents. The app essentially turns your iPod into an e-reader, you're just looking at a smaller screen, which doesn't bother me. Plus, you can adjust the text size, so you're reading only about five sentences per page if you really want.

So I logged onto the Kobo website and picked out the book I have been wanting to read for ages now, Mini-Shopaholic. Turns out it was about five bucks cheaper for the paperless version here. The Kobo website has hooked up with Chapters, and you can use gift cards there, so that was great.

I flew through that book (as I tend to do when I find something I really like) and soon enough found myself purchasing some more books, this time a "boxed" set of the Sookie Stackhouse series, which are the books the show True Blood is based on. And I am flying through these as well.

Here's where I am going to tell you the pros and cons of e-readers (in my opinion).

Pro: The books seem to be a bit cheaper, by about 20 to 30%.

Con: Even though the book is now yours to keep, you don't actually have a physical book. You have to keep it stored on your computer or e-reader, and then what if that crashes?? Hmmmm...

Pro: Better for the environment, less cutting down trees for paper and whatnot.

Con: No new book smell (boy I miss that!)

Pro: Light-weight, easy to transport and read in bed! Takes up no space on bookshelves either.

Con: Can't lend it out to a friend when you're done.

Pro: Instant download. No trekking out to the bookstore and hoping they have what you want.

Con: No trekking out to the bookstore and spending hours just looking around and breathing that wonderful coffee-scented-new-book-smelling air.

Pro: More privacy. People don't tend to look and see what you are reading in public, or try to read over your shoulder. This is good for reading things that others may frown upon for one reason or another.

Con: I constantly forget what I'm reading. Without the cover to glance at everytime I pick up or put down the book, I have no idea of what the title of the book is that I'm reading. Weird huh? Plus even though there is a bar hidden at the bottom of the page that gives you an idea of how far along you are in the book, it's not the same as physically seeing how many pages you have left to read.

Con: A real book doesn't run out of batteries.

Con: Even though you can borrow e-books from the library, I'm not sure that they've caught up, meaning that not everything is available that you may want and not in all forms (I think they only support some types of e-readers, not all such as iPod).

Con: As with iTunes, it becomes faaaaarrrr too easy to just click and buy without really thinking about it - oh what's another $10 on the credit card, huh?

The Fracture Clinic (otherwise known as the waste of my time clinic)

****written while waiting****
Three weeks ago I had to report in at what is known as the Fracture Clinic. I like to call it the best way for a doctor to make a quick buck (or hundred). That was a huge waste of my life.
After I got patched up at the hospital for my broken arm, they handed me this card with an appointment time and Dr. written on it. I arrived at said time and place only to find out that wasn't an appointment time, it was a registration time! The appt was non-existent. You just went and sat in line, just like at the walk-in clinic.
Guess how long I waited?
Go ahead.
I'll give you a clue, it was longer than my whole effing ordeal at the hospital the first time was!
I sat there for two freaking hours to get finally called in and for the dr to tell me to come back in three weeks!
He asked me a bunch of stupid questions that I'd already answered on the admission sheet (I mean honestly, why bother having the patients write these things down if you aren't even going to read them anyway?) and even asked me what bone it was! How the hell should I know? The Dr. in the ER didn't tell me, he basically said, "yep, it's broken" and, "I'll have to cast it."
At least I got to see my x-rays, but honestly, that was only a curiosity thing and wasn't really worth the $50 I lost that day in income and parking, not to mention the risk to my life driving a half hour one-handed in a snowstorm (even the school busses were cancelled that day).
So here I am sitting in the god damn waiting area three weeks later beside some old guy that smells like he took a bath in Old Spice or some equally revolting old person cologne. (Ok, I personally find mostly ALL colognes revolting as most of them give me headaches instantly and as an aside, don't people know cologne is supposed to be personal and subtle, meant for the people who are going to be close to you, not the whole bleeping room??) I've been here a half hour already and this time I haven't even got to REGISTER yet!!
****written afterwards****
Half an hour later I was on my way up to x-ray, where I waited another hour, then back to the clinic waiting area, where I waited another hour. Lordy.
Thank God DH was home this week and he took over for me watching the kids. I'm not so lucky for the next appt., so I'll have to cancel daycare for that day.
At least this time I got to hear good news. My arm has almost completely healed to the point that the Dr. had a hard time even seeing if there was a break there or not. He said part of the problem was seeing through the cast, because they don't take that off for the x-ray.
Me: So you can take this off, right?
Doc: Ummm, no.
Damn. I tried.
Me: So, do you think I could go skiing?
Expecting an outraged Dr. response like, Are you crazy??!!
Doc: Sure.
Seriously??!! Yahhoooo!!
Doc: But if you fall hard enough, you won't hurt your wrist, you'll likely break your elbow or even more likely your fingers.
I think I'll risk it anyway. I mean, you could break something any time you go skiing, whether or not you already have a broken limb. You're taking a risk everytime you go out there. Right?
Good news is that the cast will be off before Feb. Jan 25 is the original appt they gave me. I came home, informed all the parents about the time off that I would need, and then that night the office or clinic or whatever called me to tell me that the Dr. wouldn't be in that day.
So now I have to rearrange everyone and on top of that wait two more days for the cast to come off.