The Guilt Complex

Why is it that ever since I became a woman, I feel guilt ALL the time? Is it like some sort of pre-requisite for being a woman or what? Men don't seem to suffer from this complex as much, or at least they don't show or voice it.

Take for example, tonight. I was putting R to bed, and as is the routine I was reading to him. Yes, he's nine now and can read to himself, but we both enjoy it and it's a nice end to the day (we do the same with L, DH and I switch back and forth between the two when we can). The usual lights-out time we aim for is 8:00, give or take a few. I was anxious tonight to watch House, one of my favourite shows. So I was trying to get it all done before then, but at the point that I said goodnight, R complained vehemently. We hadn't actually finished a chapter, and when I said I wanted to watch my show, he looked at me with glassy eyes and said that it made him feel bad.

GOD! The guilt! That I would put my own selfish needs to watch a show before him...So of course I stayed, read more of the book and missed my show. Oh well.

Then there's Mother Guilt. And I'm not talking about the same mother guilt as above, the kind when you feel guilty for every action you take in regards to your children because you feel like you're f*ing up their lives royally and feel bad for it. I'm talking about Mother Induced Guilt - my OWN mother. I'm not sure how I end up feeling guilty about the things that are wrong in her life, but I do. I guess it's because she's done so much for me in my life (raising me, taking care of me, feeding me, clothing me, giving up things to buy me stuff, being there when my own kids were born, you know, small stuff like that!) and I'm not there for her when she needs someone. It's not really possible most of the time, due to the (geographical) distance between us and time constraints. But this coming weekend I have chosen to spend my birthday weekend with the boys at their Scouting camp (DH is going too as he is a Beaver leader, and the parents are allowed to come for Beavers) instead of going to my mother's as she suggested. This decision was made partly because I still want to spend my birthday with my boys (as much as I don't wish to celebrate turning 37), we wanted to go camping this summer but never got to, and another friend/mom who said, "Awwww, come on, it'll be fun!!" Yeah, sure, spending a night in a cabin with 50 other people and one (?) washroom sounds like a disaster waiting to happen blast.

So I feel guilty about that. That once again I'm not going over to see my mom. Here's the funny thing - She has one Friday a month off. That Friday happens to fall this week (tomorrow). My birthday is Sat. She had said she was going to come see me on the weekend for my birthday, however since I've chosen to go to the camp, she obviously won't. Then I asked her about her off Friday. I asked her when it was, and she confessed that it was this week. I asked her if she would come over then, but she has to take the car in, and then she is going out to celebrate a friend's 70th birthday. So why am I feeling badly about not seeing her when A - it's my birthday and B - she's choosing to celebrate a friend's birthday over mine? Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter about that, really, I'm not. I'm happy she has friends, and I know she really needs those relationships. Plus I am still harbouring guilt (again with the guilt) about not going to see her on her birthday this year due to a cotttage trip, so I kind of feel like I deserve it. But I just wish I could stop feeling guilty about it!!

Let's not even get started about the other kinds of guilt I feel. Guilt for having a crappy looking garden in the front of my house that doesn't look even close to as nice as anyone else on my street, guilt for throwing out things in the garbage occasionally that should have been separated for recycling, guilt for using non-environmentally friendly cleaning products, guilt for not taking my kids to the dentist, guilt for not taking them to (take your pick here), guilt for not paying more attention to the dog when he was around, guilt for not donating enough to charities, guilt for not being able to go on field trips or volunteer in the classrooms etc, etc, etc.

I once read a book about motherhood and the pressures that mothers feel in this day and age as compared to say, the 50's. It had a lot of info about guilt. It said that we need to rephrase in our heads anytime we feel guilt for things. For example, when you think, "I feel so guilty for dropping him off at school upset," you simply rephrase "I regret dropping him off at school upset" and if it makes sense to you phrasing it that way, then you take steps to change that. If not, stop the guilt and accept it for what it is. Guess I need to remember that.

Heartaches

I am having a difficult time lately with L. It seems we are ALWAYS fighting. He and I. I really think that our personalities clash, whereas R and I match. I understand R. I DO NOT understand L.
So I am feeling a lot of guilt. You know, the main emotion of motherhood.
I don't like constantly badgering him. But I have always (or at least I hope) been the type of mom to carry through with expectations. I don't like to be lenient with one child, and not the other. If I say to do something, it should be done.
Now, I'm no tyrant. It's not like I'm asking him to scrub the floors, or even clean the toilets. It's small stuff, like, get dressed, time for school, come for dinner, brush your teeth, well, you know the mantra. And the answer is (take your pick here) "In a minute" "I don't want to" "Why do I have to?" "Why isn't R?" and many others. Of course the answer to the last one, why isn't R, is usually that he's already done it, being the golden child that he is.
But it's not just that. It's also the whining, and the complaining. How do you get your kids to be grateful for what they have instead of always, wanting, wanting, wanting more? Here is a small example:
I made pancakes for breakfast the other day. Not a common occurance on a weekday, but I was feeling generous and energetic apparantly. L loves pancakes. I also put frozen blueberries in them, knowing that enjoys eating the frozen ones, and also has previously enjoyed the frozen pancakes (commercially made) with blueberries.
After sitting down, he complained about the blueberries. Then the syrup (we make him use a cheaper version since he uses too much), then something else, although I've blocked it memory fails me here.
Why couldn't he just be happy and excited that I had made him pancakes?
Another:
While out doing some shopping, L expressed that he wanted a Puffle (a stuffed toy). Disregarding the fact that we have only just had Christmas AND his birthday during which he received 4 different stuffies, I told him that maybe he could buy one with his own birthday money. That was ok with him, but he wanted to go NOW! No, we maybe will go on the weekend. And then the whining starts. "Why do I have to wait? I want to go now! So-and-so has one, I NEED one!"
"But L, you just four stuffies less than a month ago!"
"I don't care, I don't want them!" (not true).
Sigh. I guess he's too spoiled. But his brother is treated the same, if not he gets more, and he's not like this.
Now here's the part I'm struggling with the most. Most of the time, he won't let me give him any affection. He shrugs off hugs and kisses. He definitely won't initiate them. When he cries and I ask what's wrong, he won't tell me, or I have to ask a million times and beg. I guess I should stop doing that now that I see it here in writing. Just let him cry. But that's hard to watch. And the kicker is, last night he said he only loves Daddy. And it wasn't during a heated moment either. He was upset, yes, but it wasn't screamed out while I was punishing him or something.
DH says not to take it to heart. And I'm trying. But part of me is going, "You ungrateful little S.O.B! I carried you for nine months, expelled you without drugs from my womb, ripping myself in half during the process, and gave up my freedom, my body, my sleep, my money, even my health for you, and THIS is how you repay me??!!"
But that's what mothers do, right?
It's just really hard to like him lately. I love him, of course, but like? Hmmm, only when he's asleep!

Brithday Blues

On Friday it was my birthday. My, hmmm hmmm, 36th birthday. I don't know why, but for some reason, that number sounds so big to me. Turning 35 didn't affect me this much, or any other number. Just, 36 sounds so old. So much closer to, gulp, 40! *shudder* How depressing.

So the day started off as per normal. It was a working day, so, same old same old. Only I slept pretty badly the night before, and the day before I had been dizzy as anything upon waking, which did get somewhat better throughout the day. So I wasn't feeling 100% Friday, but what can you do? As a mom, you carry on.

My sister came over which was THE VERY BEST part of my day. Of my week for that matter. So I got to spend the day with my adorable niece and nephew and of course, my sis. However, as the day wore on, I was feeling less and less "well", but I tried to ignore it and also tried to be careful with not spreading any germs to anyone, most of all the baby. I also had the unexpected pleasure on Friday of having only two kids to look after, and they happened to be two of the easier ones. No babies!! YAHOO!

Then, partway through the day, we decided that we'd pull the boys out of school early, so that they could spend some time with their Auntie and cousins as well. I called the school and set it up, and at the second nutrition break, my sis went to the school to pick up the boys as a surprise. Of course, I still had to go back to the school later at the regular dismissal time to pick up one of the other kids I look after, but it was what it was. Well it sucked actually, because it was raining, and cold, and I was pretty sure I was starting a fever by then. But I sucked it up.

By the time everyone finally went home, and it was just me and the boys, my body was aching and I was running a temp close to 101. I dragged my shivering ass fully clothed into bed and stayed there for the night. So much for a birthday celebration. No dinner out, no cake, nothing. DH came home around 5:30, saw me in bed and resigned himself to the fact that he was in charge for the night.

Ok, being sick sucks so much when you are a mom. Nobody cares about you. Nobody checks on you, or soothes you, or asks you if you need anything. Not only that, you just fall asleep, and someone comes into the bedroom asking for something. Can't you ask Daddy?? I'M SLEEPING HERE!! You have to remind your stupid husband to actually feed the children, and absolutely nothing gets done all weekend! So the whole weekend's mess is left until you are better. I will say, however, that at least he went and got some groceries, and he did finally do some dishes, but only after I had to ask him to! What, you thought they would magically clean themselves??

But I am going to focus on the positive side, which was...I got to spend one day lounging around doing nothing but sleeping and watching tv in my pj's, and without any GUILT, so that was nice. Too bad I had to feel crappy to do that, but that's the part that nullifies the guilt, so there you go. Of course I do feel guilty that I may have infected my sister and her family, but that wasn't really my fault, I didn't realize that I was sick until later in the day, and by then it was too late. I just hope that they stay healthy.

Yesterday (Sunday) we had to go out to do some coat shopping. So I joked that my big birthday meal out was at the mall food court. Yippee.

Guilt, guilt and more guilt

What a horrible morning I've had.
What a not-so-great summer I've had, so far.
I guess it begins with the kids I'm looking after. The dynamics of the group are such that there is an awful lot of fighting and arguing.
And it's wearing on me, day by day.
I don't know how much more I can take; something's gotta give, and soon.
I have five boys I look after, including my own. Who knew boys were such handfuls? There are two 7 year olds, one five, one four, and one just turned three. Aside from R (my angel, LOL) the other four are CONSTANTLY trying to "one-up" the others. I just don't get it. I guess it's a male thing, the whole "leader of the pack", "male dominance" BS. But it causes sooooooo much fighting. I can't take it anymore.
And as it turns out, neither can my own kids. At one point during the morning, R left the group to come into the kitchen with me (the others were outside) and said he didn't want to hear it anymore. I hear ya.
That was when I happened to witness another fight in the making. L was screaming at the four year old because he got to the swing first. Then he hauled off and punched him in the stomach!
I just couldn't believe my eyes. My kids are taught never to hit, or otherwise, and for most part they don't. L has his moments, with a swat here or there, but a full on sock to the gut?!
Being the red-head that I am, I immediately lost it - my temper that is.
That indiscretion just compounded on top of everything else that was getting on my nerves, and I completely lost my mind. I ran out the screen door, screaming at L to get inside, at which point I smacked him on the stomach (open handed though) to prove to him that it hurts. I also screamed at him at the top of my lungs; I'm sure the whole neighbourhood heard, the windows are open. I sent him up to his room and stayed in the kitchen, pacing, and literally shaking with anger.
And then it hit me.
I had done exactly what he had. I was no better than a five year old. I let all the day's (or week's) stress get to me, and I laid into him as I am not allowed to lay into the children that aren't mine. The ones that I truly want to lay into. Get it?
I feel horrible. I should be a better person that this. I just couldn't believe I had done that.
I dissolved into tears, trying not to get any in the KD I was mixing up. Then I went upstairs and apologized and cuddled with L for a while. And the look he gave me. It will haunt me forever. That trustful, sad look. The trust, that I didn't deserve.
Now I'm crying again. But I just feel so awful for doing that. Why do I let my temper get to me like that?
So now, I am trying something to hopefully help the situation from escalating again. I gave all the kids a stern talking-to at lunch. A whole big speach on being nice, not arguing, and following the rules. I also told them that I am implementing a new points system, where they will be losing points for arguing, and gaining ones for acts of kindness. The points will allow them to play video games, or not, if they don't have enough. I'm not quite sure how it's going to work out. These things always seem like a good idea at the time, but then end up being more work for me somehow. We'll see.
If this doesn't help though, I'm really afraid of my next step. I am going to have to "fire" someone. And I know who that someone is. I will have to admit failure, and just swallow my pride and tell his mother she has to find new care for him. I just can't continue to allow him to keep provoking me into this stressed out state. It's not fair, to me, or to my kids, or to the other kids either. And there doesn't seem to be a whole lot more I can do with him. I've looked after him for five long years now, and his behaviour has always been an issue. But timeouts are too juvenile for kids his age, and I am running out of ideas for punishments. I'm very limited with what I can do. So I'm praying, PRAYING, that the loss of video games will work with him.
Please let it work.