Dreams

Ever have a dream that was so disturbing you can't shake it? You want to forget it, forget your twisted brain could ever have imagined it, push it to the darkest recesses of your mind, but it just. won't. go.

I had such a dream last night. And boy, I wish this dream would evaporate. It is disturbing me to no end, and I keep rationalizing with myself that it was only a dream, and it doesn't mean anything. But it still makes me shudder. Makes me cringe. Makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Ok, you are now wondering what was this horrific dream? Did I dream that I was murdering someone? Or perhaps that my family was wiped out by a catastrophe? Or that I aquired some sort of horrible disease?

No. No. And no.

I dreamt I was with another woman. And that I was somewhat enjoying it. (Pause here while I run to the bathroom to throw up.) And I say somewhat, because she was attempting to do something that I wasn't comfortable with, and wouldn't give in to, but the rest was ok. Herein ends the description.

I have had "lesbian" dreams before. And none of them ever incite good feelings in me once I'm awake. I always shudder at them, and thank God that they were only a dream and would remain in the privacy of my own head.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a homophobe. I don't harbour bad feelings towards gays and lesbians. I just don't swing that way.

I suppose that my brain sometimes just wants to play out the "what if?" scenario. I'm really not curious on a conscious level about experimenting with my sexuality, but maybe, somewhere deep inside of me I am. *shudder again* I think it's in the same way that my brain plays out other situations in my dreams, other "what if's?" Like, my kids being hurt, or my marriage ending, or my cheating on my husband. I don't dream these things often, but they do come up once in a while. Usually I wake up in tears, or gagging, as it were this morning.

So the very worst part of last night's dream wasn't the lesbian part. It was the 'who' part. And I won't tell you who it was. It was disgusting on soooooo many levels. The fact that I barely know this person didn't seem to matter to me in the dream, or that this person is already taken. I am so ashamed of this, that I wouldn't even admit it to my DH. I just wish, wish, wish, I could stop replaying this dream in my head!! I want to bleach my brain!!