Back On

I do not like this, not one little bit. After about a six month hiatus, I've gone back on the pill. I stopped taking it during the summer not because we wanted to try for another kid, but because I was getting headaches every day. So I stopped taking the pill to see if that was part of the problem. I don't really think it was, because the headaches didn't magically stop, but I stayed off the pill because I was happier without it.
Weird, I know.
Since being on and off the pill several times after L's birth, I've noticed that there are a few side-effects. None of these are terribly horrible things I can't live with, but they are unwanted. One is that the pill causes me to have MORE acne, which is completely contrary to popular belief. Another is lower libido, which is a normal side-effect. And the last one that I hate hate HATE is my mood swings. You would think that the pill would help that, since you are taking an even dose of hormone, but I think for some reason it just adds to the hormones I already have or something. I am much more even-tempered off the pill, and I don't like feeling this way, so out of control. It's part of the reason why I hate to drink, because I don't like to feel out of control of myself.
I find I lose my temper with the kids very easily. They are the poor ones who suffer, whose mother/babysitter doesn't have the patience to remember their age or developmental level, or the ability to step back and realize they aren't doing this out of vindictiveness or to simply piss me off. It's like I go from zero to blowing up in less than a heartbeat.
I hate myself for that.
Sometimes I recognize that I'm getting that way, and other times I don't. I'm out of practise right now, because although I've surely lost my temper in the past six pill-free months, I haven't gone from one extreme to the next. It's been more like zero, to ten, to 50 then to boiling point. And the slower boil can usually be diffused earlier.
Am I making sense?
Take today for example.
It's a PA day. For those of you that don't understand that term, it means Professional Activity Day. Simply put, kids are home while teachers are doing God Knows What.
So my boys are home along with my regular babies and one other 7 year old boy, R. It has also been a very very cold day. I do believe it's actually the coldest day we've had so far this winter, -25C, without windchill factored in.
Needless to say, they've been cooped up in the house all day on top of all weekend. And they. Are. Crazy.
Now so am I.
After a day long full of pounding feet up and down hallways, laughing, hooting, giggling, screaming and shouting, I lost it.
The babies were supposed to be sleeping, it was supposed to be my down time, and after multiple warnings the boys were still being silly and wild.
So I told them that was it, they were going outside.
As I was downstairs changing one woken baby's diaper, I could still hear thump, thump, thump, thump up and down the hallway above me. It was all I could do to get that baby's pants back on before the Incredible Hulk burst out of me.
I may have run up the stairs.
I may have grabbed the first child I saw (who happened to be L and was the one doing the thumping.)
I may have squeezed the tops of his arms a little too hard, just enough to show I meant business, as I shouted at him.
I may have made him cry.
Bad mommy Hulk.
You see what I mean? I feel like my temper goes out of control, and I do things I regret. But the worst part is is that I can feel the stress and anger flowing through me afterwards, almost like a physical force. It's almost alien. And when I finally calm down, I cry. I'm sorry for losing it, and for being a bad parent.
I don't want you all to think I have some sort of psychological disorder. I'm sure I don't. I do have enough presence of mind to NEVER lay a hand on any child not my own. And to not harm my own children either, even though I will admit to a small slap once or twice in the past. And I say past because it was, and I wouldn't do it again.
But I'm getting off topic. So I hate the mood swings and not feeling myself. But I had to try going back on because my periods were getting too painful, and I'm worried that I have surgery in my future. I was once told by an OB/GYN that the pill should help, although it probably will continue to get worse. So until my hubby is in a better position for me to be taking time off work for things like surgery, I will have to hope that the pill does the job. I'll let you know in a few weeks or months.