This is the second attempt at writing this blog entry. Hopefully all goes well. As an aside:
I EFFING HATE MY EFFING COMPUTER!!!!AAAARRRGGGGGHHHH!!!
Ok, I'm better now.
As I'm sure you've heard me mention before, I'm not entirely happy with my body shape. Of course it's not what it used to be. I'm not 20 anymore, and I've had two children which stretched my muscles and skin all to hell. I could lose 25 pounds and I'd still be saggy. Right now I'd be just fine with 10 lbs.
I know I need to tone up.
I know I need some cardio/aerobic exercise.
I know I need to stop eating all my baking!!
I also know that I've been coming to terms with the fact that I'll NEVER wear a bikini again without the aid of either A)surgery to remove the extra fat/skin/bulging veins/unsightly stretch marks or B)some sort of lobotomy/medication/hypnosis to make me not care about showing off all the above things in public.
It's ok to come to terms with being not so attractive, right? Or is it like giving up? Because according to my DH, it's not ok. He has some idealistic vision of me in his head looking like I did when I was in college. He actually thinks this is attainable again. Pfffftt.
I wish he would be like other husbands and just tell me I'm beautiful to him no matter what. I wish he would realize the gift and sacrifice of bearing his children. I also wish he would look in a mirror.
He's no prize. He's probably gained 20 pounds since college, and at least I have the excuse of bearing children!!
Lately he looks fatter to me. I see it in his gut, his chest, arms and most of all, his face and neck. It's not enough for me to say, "Ugh, you disgust me, where's my blindfold?", because he's still him. But it is enough to make me bite my tongue a little when I see him walking around in the bedroom.
And I do bite my tongue. Because my mom always told me, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!" Plus I've been on the receiving end of his criticism, and the truth hurts, y'all. I know my remarking on his weight gain would only lead him to remark on my own body, and I really don't want to hear it. It's not like I don't think about it mostly every damn day!
So I've tried to subtlely suggest that he get back to playing ballhockey. A few times. To no avail.
Yesterday I stupidly tried to stand in the kitchen and take my own measurments for a bathing suit I desperately need and was hoping to purchase online. (That takes the pain out of bathing suit shopping somehow, doing it online.) L said, "Are you trying to see how fat you are Mommy?"
Nice.
I have no idea where he got that from, as I've always tried to be conscientious about not dwelling on fat and body image around my kids. He must have got it from his father.
So I swallowed my pride and said, "No I'm trying to get a measurement so I can buy a bathing suit."
DH didn't miss a beat. He piped up immediately to claim, "Yes, we both need to work on losing some weight."
WTF??!!
I ask you, did I ask for a comment like that? Did I set myself up for that? It wasn't like I was complaining about my size or weight or anything. I was just innocently taking measurements.
Why did he have to drag me into that? Couldn't he just have said he needed to lose weight, and hoped his initiative would catch on? At least aside from my normal 1-5 lb fluctuations, I have remained the same weight for the past few years.
Geez.
Just for that, I'd like to work hard and lose weight and tone up. Then I could throw it in his face and call him a lard-ass next time he says something like that. But I'd have to hide it from him, and that would be kind of difficult.
Or maybe that was his secret agenda. To goad me into doing just that.
Maybe I'll sit around eating chocolate for the next month and gain another ten pounds just to spite him.
HAH! Take that lard ass!!
You ARE beautiful the way you are - don't ever think that you are anything but beautiful. Whatever weight, shape you may be, it's what you are as a person and what you do with YOU that's important.
ReplyDelete"I also wish he would look in a mirror."
ReplyDeleteOkay, I laughed out loud at that one! And about the lobotomy (I know the feeling).
Good vent, by the way. I've often felt the same way, wanted to say similar things, but hold back. My DH can't change the fact that his hair is deciding to slowly leave the top of his head. His weight hasn't changed much, but it's shifted location. And asking him to shave that beard/mustache/mouth puck thing off his face doesn't do much (I'm tired of seeing it and don't find it that appealing, smooch-wise). And we don't have any extra money for him to start playing hockey again.
I get in the same rut of "I don't like how I look", especially when I see myself in recent pictures. Ugh. It's hard, and I know how you feel.
When I lost the 18 lbs in the summer, I made sure that when I snacked, which was a lot, it was on fruit or veggies. I still ate bread, and meals, but that knawing hunger was filled in with an apple, grapes, a banana and some rice crackers. At one sitting. Instead of cookies, cookies, a handful of chocolate chips, and crackers with cream cheese. It was hard, but it was all about redirection for me.
Now, of course, I'm trying to not gain as much as I did other pregnancies, because then I'd end up a crazy weight. But I've still gained 12 lbs back.
I also agree with RJC - it still IS how you are inside that shines through. Kids notice that all the time - they don't care what mom or dad look like, really, they just care how loved they are by their parents. They see how their parents act towards others, and see the beauty in that.
ReplyDeleteUsually ;)
Take that lard ass, that is what cracked me up. Men are stupid. I keep repeating this matra over and over but it still doesn't help. Perhaps hitting him with the measuring tape or a cast-iron frying pan would have made you feel better.
ReplyDeleteLisaDay