This is the second attempt at writing this blog entry. Hopefully all goes well. As an aside:
I EFFING HATE MY EFFING COMPUTER!!!!AAAARRRGGGGGHHHH!!!
Ok, I'm better now.
As I'm sure you've heard me mention before, I'm not entirely happy with my body shape. Of course it's not what it used to be. I'm not 20 anymore, and I've had two children which stretched my muscles and skin all to hell. I could lose 25 pounds and I'd still be saggy. Right now I'd be just fine with 10 lbs.
I know I need to tone up.
I know I need some cardio/aerobic exercise.
I know I need to stop eating all my baking!!
I also know that I've been coming to terms with the fact that I'll NEVER wear a bikini again without the aid of either A)surgery to remove the extra fat/skin/bulging veins/unsightly stretch marks or B)some sort of lobotomy/medication/hypnosis to make me not care about showing off all the above things in public.
It's ok to come to terms with being not so attractive, right? Or is it like giving up? Because according to my DH, it's not ok. He has some idealistic vision of me in his head looking like I did when I was in college. He actually thinks this is attainable again. Pfffftt.
I wish he would be like other husbands and just tell me I'm beautiful to him no matter what. I wish he would realize the gift and sacrifice of bearing his children. I also wish he would look in a mirror.
He's no prize. He's probably gained 20 pounds since college, and at least I have the excuse of bearing children!!
Lately he looks fatter to me. I see it in his gut, his chest, arms and most of all, his face and neck. It's not enough for me to say, "Ugh, you disgust me, where's my blindfold?", because he's still him. But it is enough to make me bite my tongue a little when I see him walking around in the bedroom.
And I do bite my tongue. Because my mom always told me, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!" Plus I've been on the receiving end of his criticism, and the truth hurts, y'all. I know my remarking on his weight gain would only lead him to remark on my own body, and I really don't want to hear it. It's not like I don't think about it mostly every damn day!
So I've tried to subtlely suggest that he get back to playing ballhockey. A few times. To no avail.
Yesterday I stupidly tried to stand in the kitchen and take my own measurments for a bathing suit I desperately need and was hoping to purchase online. (That takes the pain out of bathing suit shopping somehow, doing it online.) L said, "Are you trying to see how fat you are Mommy?"
Nice.
I have no idea where he got that from, as I've always tried to be conscientious about not dwelling on fat and body image around my kids. He must have got it from his father.
So I swallowed my pride and said, "No I'm trying to get a measurement so I can buy a bathing suit."
DH didn't miss a beat. He piped up immediately to claim, "Yes, we both need to work on losing some weight."
WTF??!!
I ask you, did I ask for a comment like that? Did I set myself up for that? It wasn't like I was complaining about my size or weight or anything. I was just innocently taking measurements.
Why did he have to drag me into that? Couldn't he just have said he needed to lose weight, and hoped his initiative would catch on? At least aside from my normal 1-5 lb fluctuations, I have remained the same weight for the past few years.
Geez.
Just for that, I'd like to work hard and lose weight and tone up. Then I could throw it in his face and call him a lard-ass next time he says something like that. But I'd have to hide it from him, and that would be kind of difficult.
Or maybe that was his secret agenda. To goad me into doing just that.
Maybe I'll sit around eating chocolate for the next month and gain another ten pounds just to spite him.
HAH! Take that lard ass!!
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Ten Pounds
If you knew me in high school, I was that girl who could eat anything she wanted to, and would never gain an ounce of fat. Even after high school and the years following in college I could drink beer all night, eat pizza for breakfast, burgers for lunch and carbs for dinner and still I was a nice, trim 117-121 lbs. Yes, that was my weight and what a wouldn't give to have that weight back again in the blink of an eye.
So here it is, y'all. I'm going to tell you my weight. I do this with trepidation, because for some, you might go, "What the hell is she complaining about?", and for others, like my sisters, they may go, "Wow, I seriously didn't think she was that much!" (I don't even know if they read this, actually.) I guess I should start off by saying that I'm about 5'6", or just slightly shorter. I have a medium build as far as bone structure goes, and tiny boobs, so I can't blame any weight on them, for sure! I guess I'm just comparing myself to my sisters, who are about the same height as me, with my youngest sister S having a slightly more delicate bone structure.
So S weighs 115 lbs, and had a baby just 3 months ago. Doesn't that make you sick? She has her perfect body back with no stretch marks to show for it, and lovely big (albeit a bit leaky at times, *snicker* ) boobs.
My other sister, N weighs 122 lbs, and we are pretty well matched in body structure (right down to the boobs!) Now, she has an 11-month-old but she works pretty hard to keep in shape, and exercises regularly. I can't really begrudge her her weight, because she deserves it, and also had to give up eating many, many yummy and delicious things to keep my nephew T happy and healthy while he was nursing (he has a lot of sensitivities, it seems, poor guy.)
So here it is. I weigh, on any given day between 130 (that's a good day) and 135. Ugh. I don't really know why my weight fluctuates so much, but it has always been like that, so I'm used to it. It's my norm. It also means I can't really celebrate the loss of a pound or two, because it could be right back there in another day or week. As I said, I'd give anything to have my weight drop by 10 pounds in the blink of an eye. Notice I said in the blink of an eye.
Because apparently, I'm not willing to give up anything at all to have it drop within a reasonable amount of time. Every damn day I wake up and think, OK, today, I'm not going to eat so much. I'm going to have fruit for breakfast, salad for lunch, and a FAR smaller portion of dinner than even the boys do! And I'm not going to eat anything containing sugar!
Yes you can see how well that's going. Well, not see, but read. I have no idea how people do it. How do they find the willpower to make themselves exercise? How do they find it to tell themselves NO when they want something to eat? I get to lunchtime and I'm starving! I want real food, not rabbit food! How do I turn off that thing in my brain that tells me to eat carbs and sugar? Or butter? God, I love butter...
All I want is to lose 10 pounds and keep it off. Just 10 pounds.
Anyone have a magic pill I can take???
So here it is, y'all. I'm going to tell you my weight. I do this with trepidation, because for some, you might go, "What the hell is she complaining about?", and for others, like my sisters, they may go, "Wow, I seriously didn't think she was that much!" (I don't even know if they read this, actually.) I guess I should start off by saying that I'm about 5'6", or just slightly shorter. I have a medium build as far as bone structure goes, and tiny boobs, so I can't blame any weight on them, for sure! I guess I'm just comparing myself to my sisters, who are about the same height as me, with my youngest sister S having a slightly more delicate bone structure.
So S weighs 115 lbs, and had a baby just 3 months ago. Doesn't that make you sick? She has her perfect body back with no stretch marks to show for it, and lovely big (albeit a bit leaky at times, *snicker* ) boobs.
My other sister, N weighs 122 lbs, and we are pretty well matched in body structure (right down to the boobs!) Now, she has an 11-month-old but she works pretty hard to keep in shape, and exercises regularly. I can't really begrudge her her weight, because she deserves it, and also had to give up eating many, many yummy and delicious things to keep my nephew T happy and healthy while he was nursing (he has a lot of sensitivities, it seems, poor guy.)
So here it is. I weigh, on any given day between 130 (that's a good day) and 135. Ugh. I don't really know why my weight fluctuates so much, but it has always been like that, so I'm used to it. It's my norm. It also means I can't really celebrate the loss of a pound or two, because it could be right back there in another day or week. As I said, I'd give anything to have my weight drop by 10 pounds in the blink of an eye. Notice I said in the blink of an eye.
Because apparently, I'm not willing to give up anything at all to have it drop within a reasonable amount of time. Every damn day I wake up and think, OK, today, I'm not going to eat so much. I'm going to have fruit for breakfast, salad for lunch, and a FAR smaller portion of dinner than even the boys do! And I'm not going to eat anything containing sugar!
Yes you can see how well that's going. Well, not see, but read. I have no idea how people do it. How do they find the willpower to make themselves exercise? How do they find it to tell themselves NO when they want something to eat? I get to lunchtime and I'm starving! I want real food, not rabbit food! How do I turn off that thing in my brain that tells me to eat carbs and sugar? Or butter? God, I love butter...
All I want is to lose 10 pounds and keep it off. Just 10 pounds.
Anyone have a magic pill I can take???
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Skewed Self-Image
I think most women will agree when I say that we all hate our bodies. Especially our bodies after childbirth. If you are one of those who actually is happy with the body you have, good for you! And I am jealous.
I don't think I have ever truly loved my body. There has always been something I wish I could change. When I was younger, it was my hair. As I got older, it was my boobs (too small) and my legs (ugly shape, practically bowlegged, terribly unsexy). Of course those things remain the same, but now I have a new appreciation for the body I had.
I look at pictures of myself back then, and I think, "How could I have not liked myself?" In comparison to now, I was hot! Ok, well, maybe not hot, but good enough.
My boobs now are still too small, but at least back then they were perky. Thank you breastfeeding. I won't leave you with any pictures, but think National Geographic.
My legs are still a terrible shape (why, oh why, couldn't I have inherited my mother's legs??), but at least they were slim back then and not covered in unsightly (and quite frankly scary) varicose veins. Thank you Dad. And Mom actually. Of all the things to inherit.
At least now they make better hair care products than they did back then. I have learned how to tame my mane, but I still wish for less frizzy and much straighter hair.
I look back at pictures of myself and remember I thought that my tummy needed some trimming. If I could only have looked into the future! After R, I knew that my tummy needed trimming, but by his first birthday I was almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I was more unhappy with myself then.
After L, I gained a little more weight. And then a little more. I now look back on those pictures of when R was little and think, "I wish I at least looked like that!" Now I would REALLY like to lose 10 pounds. That would put me back to pre-R. Not college pre-R, just before R. And I'd be ok with that.
There are things I've come to accept. Like, I'll NEVER be able to wear a bikini again. *sniff* I know that even if I worked out hard and did 500 crunches everyday, my stomach will still be covered in stretch marks, loose skin, and a totally messed up belly-button.
And I can't change the shape of my bones in my legs. Nor do I have the desire to undergo surgery to remove all the ugly protruding veins.
I also do not have the desire to have a boob job. Nor the money. But that's what all these fantastic push-up and padded bras are for!
I gain and lose 2 or 3 pounds over the course of a week or so all the time. I could never be one of those people to celebrate the loss of that little amount of weight, because it happens all the time. Some days, on my "skinnier" days, I'll feel like I'm not so bad hiding under all my clothes.
And then the clothes come off.
And I stare at myself in the mirror.
And I lament.
It's funny how you think your body image leaves more to be desired and then ten years down the road you finally see your old self clearly, but probably not your now self. Because in another ten years you'll look back and think you were not as bad as you are now.
So maybe I should just be happy for what I am now because in ten years I'll be ten pounds heavier, more grey, and definitely more wrinklier.
Gah.
I don't think I have ever truly loved my body. There has always been something I wish I could change. When I was younger, it was my hair. As I got older, it was my boobs (too small) and my legs (ugly shape, practically bowlegged, terribly unsexy). Of course those things remain the same, but now I have a new appreciation for the body I had.
I look at pictures of myself back then, and I think, "How could I have not liked myself?" In comparison to now, I was hot! Ok, well, maybe not hot, but good enough.
My boobs now are still too small, but at least back then they were perky. Thank you breastfeeding. I won't leave you with any pictures, but think National Geographic.
My legs are still a terrible shape (why, oh why, couldn't I have inherited my mother's legs??), but at least they were slim back then and not covered in unsightly (and quite frankly scary) varicose veins. Thank you Dad. And Mom actually. Of all the things to inherit.
At least now they make better hair care products than they did back then. I have learned how to tame my mane, but I still wish for less frizzy and much straighter hair.
I look back at pictures of myself and remember I thought that my tummy needed some trimming. If I could only have looked into the future! After R, I knew that my tummy needed trimming, but by his first birthday I was almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I was more unhappy with myself then.
After L, I gained a little more weight. And then a little more. I now look back on those pictures of when R was little and think, "I wish I at least looked like that!" Now I would REALLY like to lose 10 pounds. That would put me back to pre-R. Not college pre-R, just before R. And I'd be ok with that.
There are things I've come to accept. Like, I'll NEVER be able to wear a bikini again. *sniff* I know that even if I worked out hard and did 500 crunches everyday, my stomach will still be covered in stretch marks, loose skin, and a totally messed up belly-button.
And I can't change the shape of my bones in my legs. Nor do I have the desire to undergo surgery to remove all the ugly protruding veins.
I also do not have the desire to have a boob job. Nor the money. But that's what all these fantastic push-up and padded bras are for!
I gain and lose 2 or 3 pounds over the course of a week or so all the time. I could never be one of those people to celebrate the loss of that little amount of weight, because it happens all the time. Some days, on my "skinnier" days, I'll feel like I'm not so bad hiding under all my clothes.
And then the clothes come off.
And I stare at myself in the mirror.
And I lament.
It's funny how you think your body image leaves more to be desired and then ten years down the road you finally see your old self clearly, but probably not your now self. Because in another ten years you'll look back and think you were not as bad as you are now.
So maybe I should just be happy for what I am now because in ten years I'll be ten pounds heavier, more grey, and definitely more wrinklier.
Gah.
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