Help

Today I am fighting tears and trying to appear normal to the kids I am looking after. Sometimes not having the ability to take a "mental health day" really sucks bigtime. I sure could use one.

Lately we've been having issues with L. Things that may or may not relate to school, or home, or me, I don't know. All I know is that it's time for us to get some outside help, or at least an outside opinion.

Most of the time, L is fine. But sometimes he has these moments when something will set him off and he'll get really down on himself. Like REALLY down. It could be anything that sets him off, like getting into trouble, or getting hurt, or watching a sad movie, or not getting what he wants. And he starts with the self-criticism.

"I'm so stupid!"

"I'm a loser, a cry-baby, and dumb!"

"I want to hurt myself."

"I want to die."

Yes, those last two are shockers. At first, we thought they were just a cry for attention. Thrown in there for shock value. I still think that, a bit, but I have to be sure. He's said it too many times now.

Sometimes he does hurt himself. Like when he's extremely frustrated or angry, he'll grab his face and scratch his nails down his cheeks. Or bang his head on the table or hit it with his fists (his head, not the table, I'd rather he hit the table...)

God, I'm a sobbing mess now. This is really hard for me to write. It was hard to pick up the phone this morning and make that phone call to make a drs appt. At this point, I don't know what else to do. I'm hoping that if he needs therapy, that going through the dr will maybe get some of the cost lowered and deemed "medically necessary".

It was hard because it means admitting I don't know what to do. It's a selfish POV really. But I guess I'm vain that way. I've always liked to think I knew how to handle any situation my children throw at me.

But this -

I just don't know. I really don't know what to do, what to say, how to make it better.

And that's so scary.

I feel like a failure of a mother. Is it my fault he has these feelings?

Probably.

I didn't give him enough attention. Enough compassion. I made him share me with many other kids that weren't even related to him. I did things wrong when he was a baby, or when he was in the womb. I remember being really depressed at times when I was pregnant with him. Maybe those emotions imprinted on him as he was developing.

Who knows?

I'm too hard on him when i need to be softer, and I'm too soft when I need to give more tough love.

Maybe.

Our personalities clas terribly, and many times when he's in one of these "moods" I end up saying all the wrong things, becoming really frustrated and end up yelling at him! I'm a horrible person for doing that. My temper gets the better of me and I lash out. Most of the time, what he's saying to me doesn't make sense, and he's so stubborn. No matter how many times I try to explain that he's not dumb, or a loser, or whatever, he still insists. I can't snap him out of it, I get frustrated, and I give up. That's what makes me feel terrible. That I don't try HARDER.

And if I'm failing at this, taking care of my own child's well-being and happiness, perhaps it's a HUGE mistake for parents to be leaving their sweet babies in my care. I don't want to ruin them too.

So I am taking a step towards letting someone else give me their opinion. The thing is, is that I don't have a lot of confidence in our dr. But we'll see.

I'm awfully scared. I'm worried that he's on a path to a lifelong battle with depression or mental illness. And there are so many stories these days of professionals who are supposed to be helping struggling children who aren't, and these people/places are actually harming them more. How am I to know what is helping and what isn't? What of it's one of those things like, you have to get worse before you get better? Or it's not, and I think it is, and all the while things are getting worse while I think that's supposed to happen?

God.

But I must do something. I can't sit by and hope it'll get better on its own.