A Bit of This, A Bit of That

I have some updates, and some recommendations here. First, I'll do the recommendations...
**CAUTION** If you don't like anything remotely smutty or have a huge aversion to erotica, then don't bother reading this. Recently, I purchased for my Kobo app and read the Fifty Shades Of Grey Trilogy, by E.L. James. I've actually read it before, back when it was under a different name and was classified as Twilight Fan Fiction. But it was such a good story, that I wanted to read it again, and it didn't disappoint. The books are centred around a love story between a very unlikely couple. She's a student, he's rich and powerful. She's loving and kind, he's damaged, but oh, so sweet and sexy. I don't want to give away too much of the story, but it's a great read, and I'll likely read it again soon! The author obviously had to make some changes, since it was originally a piece of fan fiction, but the characters and story are all hers. Be warned though, you can not read just the first book. Actually, I don't even think there is a true end to it. It just leaves you hanging. You could read just the first two books on their own, but then, they're good, so why wouldn't you want more? 

Now, an update on L. We had an appointment with the pediatrician, (DH took him) and the pediatrician really didn't think there was much to worry about. *WHEW* He said a lot of it comes from school, and from being one of the youngest in the class. Plus, let's face it, school hasn't been too good to him. He's had a lot of incompetent teachers. So I spent some time blaming myself, even though I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't help it. It was more of a "Why didn't I listen to my instincts?" type of thing. I was lamenting the fact that I really should not have started him in school when I did. I should have waited until he was at least four. It all spiraled from there. Well, what's done is done. I can't change the past.
Now, we are waiting for an appointment with a counsellor. Even though the Dr. thought he was ok, he still referred us to a counselling service, so that's good. I've answered so many questions to these counsellors already, I'm starting to second-guess myself. Plus, he's been so much better lately. Not as moody, although there are of course, plenty of outbursts. I attribute most of his problem to DH. When he's around more, L is happier. Simple fact. But he can't be around more, that's all there is to it, it's life. He will have to graduate school and go back to working full time. So, I don't know if his moodiness will get worse again then. Plus, when DH goes back to work this time, it will coincide with the beginning of a new school year, another tough time for L. It won't be a good combo.

Lastly, an update on me. Back in the beginning of Feb, I had laproscopic surgery.Yesterday, I had my follow up appointment. Since I received my diagnosis of stage four endometriosis, I've been doing some reading, helped along by my good friend Lisa who sent me some info on the disease itself plus info on new medication that is available. I felt much more prepared going in to this appointment having some background information and questions prepared. Plus, DH came with me and had questions too. I can't imagine how I would have felt not knowing I even had this before my appointment. Again, I have to wonder, why wouldn't the doctor have come to see me after my surgery? Why did I have to make what was made to seem as an unorthodox phone call, to see what happened? Anyway, that was one question I forgot to ask. It doesn't change anything anyway.
Basically, I need a hysterectomy. There is no way around it. It's only a matter of when. Right now, I can keep going along as I am. I haven't had an "attack" for several months, so here's hoping it stays that way. The new medication is supposed to prevent any further growth of the endo. Eventually, if I never have the surgery, the endo could compromise my bowel. I don't want that.
So I have two choices. #1. I can wait for an indefinite amount of time to see a specialist in Hamilton. My OBGYN here recommended him, saying he's the best of the best around, and he specializes in removing endo and performing hysterectomies by laproscopic surgery. My OBGYN said himself that he wasn't good enough to perform the hysterectomy by laproscopy (not sure if that's the word or not). He is too worried about the attachment to my bowel, and that is a very touchy area. The slightest wrong move, and he could nick the bowel. Then I'd have a whole host of other problems! So the pros to this is that A) I don't have to have invasive surgery, therefore less dangerous  B) the recovery would be faster. The cons are that A) it's in Hamilton (at least 2 hour drive from here) B) I don't know this doctor yet (what if he's an arrogant asshole?) C) I may have to wait a long time for an appointment and surgery D) the OBGYN said I don't need to stay in hospital, they send you home (WHAT?! Not what I would want at all, I'd like at least one night in hospital so I know everything is ok). That all being said, I'd say the pros still outweigh the cons.
My #2 choice is to stay here with my own OBGYN, have the surgery whenever, and it's a three or so day stay in hospital with a *GULP* 6 to 8 week recovery time. That's for most people to go back to work. I'm sure that people who work for themselves and/or have young children go back to work far sooner than that. The surgery is far more invasive, involving cutting me open, and manhandling of all my innards, including the bowel. My mom, who is an OR nurse, says that even if they don't cut the bowel, just handling it can cause it to shut down, or stick together inside or other really "fun" stuff. The only real pros I see to this scenario are A) it's faster (being resolved), B) I know the doctor and he's very kind and considerate, C) I would get to stay in my own hospital and have friends visit me, D) I wouldn't have a long, uncomfortable drive home after surgery, just a short one.
For now, I'm waiting to see how long I'll have to wait for an appt with Dr. Fantastic. I keep taking my new pill, and in three months I have an appt to go back to my own OBGYN and let him know how I'm progressing with that. Hopefully if I am doing well on this pill, he'll give me more for free.

Update on L

So back in November I posted a little about L, and the troubles he was having. Finally, this week, we had a doctor's appointment. I have to say, I felt kind of weird making him go to the doctor when he isn't physically sick, and he was a little confused too. It's not like we ever go there at all really. As you can see, this is how long I had to wait to get him in to even see the doctor. So we don't go there for other stuff, like sore throats, or sore ears, or anything that needs to be looked at within the next day or so. And because the appointments are so difficult to make (between the scarcity of them and mine and DH's schedules), my kids never have check-ups either. I think the last time they had one they were toddlers. Come to think of it, I'm not even sure my Dr.'s office DOES check-ups. There are all kinds of weird restrictions they have, like "only one problem at a time" (SERIOUSLY? What if the two problems are related?) and they don't do vaccinations either. You have to go to the public health office for those. Sigh.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic.
L went with DH, since I had other kids to look after. Plus, I felt like I might turn into Hysterical Sobbing Mother if I had to talk about this out loud to another person, so I felt DH was the better choice here. He's more level-headed than I when it comes to the kids. He's the one that says, "He's fine," when the kids tell me they have a headache, while I'm thinking, "OMG, do we need an MRI?"
I gave him a small list of my biggest concerns, and when DH came home after dropping L off at school for the day, he said the Dr. is referring him to a pediatrician. The good part of this is that he took it all seriously. He didn't blow it off, although a part of me did want him to just say, "You worry too much, he's fine."
Of course the not-so-good part is that he said he may have a form of childhood depression. And also, the fact that now we will have to wait months and months I'm sure for anything else to be done. Getting a pediatrician appt in this town is next to impossible. I'm sure it will be at least July if we're lucky.
He also said it could simply be something is bothering him; something he can't even figure out himself. But of course, he isn't exactly qualified to make any sort of diagnosis. He isn't a specialist, only a family doctor.
And then of course, we will have to wait for the pediatrician to refer us to a further specialist.
So much waiting. And we haven't even begun. I feel badly for the parents who have children with disablilities and are waiting for support services. It must be agonizing.
Right now, I can just thank god that he isn't too bad. He hasn't had a really "down" episode since that one. His need isn't as urgent as others, although that doesn't make it less important. I've been trying to do some reading on childhood depression, but I need to delve deeper. If I could find the time. That kind of reading calls for uninterrupted quiet time, something scarce around here.

Help

Today I am fighting tears and trying to appear normal to the kids I am looking after. Sometimes not having the ability to take a "mental health day" really sucks bigtime. I sure could use one.

Lately we've been having issues with L. Things that may or may not relate to school, or home, or me, I don't know. All I know is that it's time for us to get some outside help, or at least an outside opinion.

Most of the time, L is fine. But sometimes he has these moments when something will set him off and he'll get really down on himself. Like REALLY down. It could be anything that sets him off, like getting into trouble, or getting hurt, or watching a sad movie, or not getting what he wants. And he starts with the self-criticism.

"I'm so stupid!"

"I'm a loser, a cry-baby, and dumb!"

"I want to hurt myself."

"I want to die."

Yes, those last two are shockers. At first, we thought they were just a cry for attention. Thrown in there for shock value. I still think that, a bit, but I have to be sure. He's said it too many times now.

Sometimes he does hurt himself. Like when he's extremely frustrated or angry, he'll grab his face and scratch his nails down his cheeks. Or bang his head on the table or hit it with his fists (his head, not the table, I'd rather he hit the table...)

God, I'm a sobbing mess now. This is really hard for me to write. It was hard to pick up the phone this morning and make that phone call to make a drs appt. At this point, I don't know what else to do. I'm hoping that if he needs therapy, that going through the dr will maybe get some of the cost lowered and deemed "medically necessary".

It was hard because it means admitting I don't know what to do. It's a selfish POV really. But I guess I'm vain that way. I've always liked to think I knew how to handle any situation my children throw at me.

But this -

I just don't know. I really don't know what to do, what to say, how to make it better.

And that's so scary.

I feel like a failure of a mother. Is it my fault he has these feelings?

Probably.

I didn't give him enough attention. Enough compassion. I made him share me with many other kids that weren't even related to him. I did things wrong when he was a baby, or when he was in the womb. I remember being really depressed at times when I was pregnant with him. Maybe those emotions imprinted on him as he was developing.

Who knows?

I'm too hard on him when i need to be softer, and I'm too soft when I need to give more tough love.

Maybe.

Our personalities clas terribly, and many times when he's in one of these "moods" I end up saying all the wrong things, becoming really frustrated and end up yelling at him! I'm a horrible person for doing that. My temper gets the better of me and I lash out. Most of the time, what he's saying to me doesn't make sense, and he's so stubborn. No matter how many times I try to explain that he's not dumb, or a loser, or whatever, he still insists. I can't snap him out of it, I get frustrated, and I give up. That's what makes me feel terrible. That I don't try HARDER.

And if I'm failing at this, taking care of my own child's well-being and happiness, perhaps it's a HUGE mistake for parents to be leaving their sweet babies in my care. I don't want to ruin them too.

So I am taking a step towards letting someone else give me their opinion. The thing is, is that I don't have a lot of confidence in our dr. But we'll see.

I'm awfully scared. I'm worried that he's on a path to a lifelong battle with depression or mental illness. And there are so many stories these days of professionals who are supposed to be helping struggling children who aren't, and these people/places are actually harming them more. How am I to know what is helping and what isn't? What of it's one of those things like, you have to get worse before you get better? Or it's not, and I think it is, and all the while things are getting worse while I think that's supposed to happen?

God.

But I must do something. I can't sit by and hope it'll get better on its own.