A Small Update On My Niece

There hasn't been much in the way of news lately about M. A lot of the days has been waiting, waiting, and more waiting. Nothing, I'm sure in comparison to what N and D are going through, but just sitting here helpless and waiting for a scrap of news is hard. I know that there isn't anything anyone can do, other than offer to help in any way, or to pray and hope, but it still doesn't make you feel any less useless knowing that. I comfort myself by Googling stuff, hoping for a scrap of info that would help; daydreaming that I would find a small tidbit of information that would cause everyone including the doctors to go, "Oh! Of course!! We must try that immediately!"
I have found some information about cancer patients drinking breast milk. Some study in Sweden, I think, found that by putting breast milk onto a rat's tumor, it shrunk it. Other studies have found that patients with bladder cancer received breast milk and peed out dead cancer cells. Who knows if they are drinking the milk, or if the milk was being applied to the tumor directly. There's the thing: there isn't any proof that drinking breast milk will help. But it can't harm, right? I mean, it's not a nasty chemical or even from another animal; it's HUMAN milk! Something many of us were raised on.
So anyway, we still don't know 100% that it is in fact cancer, but it's not looking too good. Maybe I am grasping at straws like I always do, but I would be willing to do anything to save that little girl. I would go on that breast milk inducing drug (Domperidone?) to get myself lactating again, if I thought it would give an ounce of help or hope. My other sister, S, is still breastfeeding my niece, A, but I don't know if she has enough anymore. A is now pretty much almost finished with that. I know she could get it started again with some perseverance and pumping, but......well, it's all speculation. I've yet to mention it to N or D, simply because we have no diagnosis yet.
On the weekend, M as released to go home for a few days. The boys and I went over to their place on Sunday to hang out. M was happy and playing, although somewhat tired, probably due to lack of good sleep in the past few days and also the steroids they had her on.
On Monday, they took M back to Sick Kids to admit her for her biopsy scheduled for yesterday. Yesterday was a huge waiting day. Nobody knew what time the biopsy was happening. And we all had to play telephone tag : my mom, S, my dad and I. I'm sure my brother was in there somewhere too. He is lucky though, as he lives right in Toronto and can go over to the hospital basically anytime and be there very quickly. Can't believe I'm saying someone is lucky to live in T.O., because, blech, but in this case it is.
M finally had her biopsy around 3 pm I think, but didn't get out of recovery until about 8. I still haven't talked directly to N since Sunday, mainly because I don't want to keep bugging her with phone calls, and also because when S and I were trying to call this morning, we discovered we had the wrong numbers.
M spent the night in Constant Care, where they could monitor her carefully. Her heart rate was low after the surgery, and she is on morphine too, which requires constant monitoring of their oxygen levels. She was responsive though, a good thing, and she is having visitors today. They did a CT scan of her head this morning, to make sure that there was no hemorrhaging from the biopsy.
Unfortunately, it looks like they will be waiting until probably Friday before they get the results back. She posted a note on Facebook earlier, and mentioned that right now feels "a bit like the calm before the storm." It is terribly nerve-wracking. Even I dream of M every night, and wake often wondering what the outcome of all this will be.
I must stay positive and hopeful.

The Worst Day Of Our Lives So Far

My mind is in a whirlwind. Consequently, my body is feeling strangely detached. I am going through the motions, almost like I've been on some kind of heavy painkiller for the day. I'm tired of crying, and my head hurts from it. Today, at 6:00 a.m., I received a phone call from my sister. Everyone who has a telephone knows that phone calls at odd hours can never be good. Unless you're expecting good news, like, "The baby is finally here!" You hear that phone ring, and your stomach lurches up into your esophagus. Your heart starts to pound at three times its normal rate. And I received the worst news via telephone that I've ever had in my life. My four-year-old niece, M, is in Sick Kids Hospital. She has a mass in her brain. Oh. God. I had been talking to my sister N the previous day, and she was telling me about these strange symptoms that M has, that they've recently noticed. Her face was drooping on one side, and she had been talking out of one side of her mouth, almost like a stroke victim. Not only that, but she seemed weak on the left side of her body, unable to squeeze your hand firmly or balance on her left leg. My sis and BIL took her to the family doctor, who diagnosed Bell's Palsy. However, the symptoms didn't all fit. Bell's Palsy ONLY affects the face, and M was having trouble with the entire left side of her body. But the doctor, being stubborn, brushed off the other symptoms because they weren't that pronounced and didn't fit her diagnosis. Heaven forbid a doctor should be wrong! M was referred to a pediatrician, but around here, those are few and far between. You only see a pediatrician if you have a problem that needs monitoring and appointments are hard to get. My sis and BIL didn't get an appointment for M until the middle of June. So last night my BIL took M to the emerg at Sick Kids. They did a CT scan, and that's when they found the mass in her brain. My sis left my nephew T with my mom and my dad took her down. My brother A was actually with my BIL giving him support. As of yet, here's what I know. She has had a CT scan. There is a mass that appears to be on the brain stem. The neurologist said he was fairly confident it was cancerous, and that given the location, inoperable. The oncologist apparently talked to my sis and BIL for quite a while and my BIL gave my dad the impression that he seemed more hopeful than the neurologist. It's not 100% sure that it is malignant, but that's not ruled out yet. She will shortly be going for an MRI to determine more, and we won't have those results until this evening. I am sick to my stomach with this news. I can't eat. I can't think. I can only imagine what my sister is going through. When R was just three, we had him in Sick Kids. He had been crying with pain in his stomach for a day and a half. We had him at the hospital, and appendicitis was ruled out, and he was given an enema for constipation. Well, I knew my little boy, and he was never constipated, so I knew that wasn't the problem. However, they sent him home and said he'd be fine in a while. He wasn't. He was crying in pain, waking up from a dead sleep crying. He had no fever, no vomitting, it wasn't a virus. So I took him back to the ER and demanded more tests. I knew there was something wrong with him. After they gave him an x-ray and ultrasound, they saw a mass in his abdomen. The doctors at our hospital had never seen anything like it, they actually had to call Sick Kids to ask about it. At that point, he was taken by ambulance in the middle of the night to Sick Kids. So I know a little of what my sis is going through. I know that heart-stopping, gut-clenching fear. That switch in your brain that suddenly turns your emotions off and commands you to move on, because this really isn't happening to you. That night I had to go home. DH went with R to Sick Kids, but we had an 8-month-old waiting for us at home that was still breast-feeding. I had to go home and go to bed not knowing what was happening and what would become of my precious little boy. My DH had it worse. He had to explain, over again to the doctors, the technicians, whoever, what was happening. He had to keep calm a scared and in pain little boy. He had to hold him down while they inserted tubes and needles and a naso-gastric tube that made him puke. And he had to worry alone. R was taken to surgery the next day. The fantastic staff at Sick Kids removed a mass that had probably been growing there since he was a baby. It was benign. Fairly harmless, and something that just happens. The pain was because it was finally big enough to be putting pressure somewhere. He spent a week in the hospital, because that kind of surgery has to be monitored afterwards very carefully. They even showed us pictures of the operation the staff had taken with a digital camera. His guts were splayed out, on top of his stomach, outside of his body while they worked. It was gross, horrifying and fascinating all at the same time. Only for a micro-second during the whole ordeal did I let my mind entertain the thought of the C-word. It was too awful to think about. But for that micro-second, I know what I felt. And to think that N is going through that right now is heart-wrenching. She is hearing that word, over and over and over again. It's hard to imagine the world without M. I don't know how my sis and BIL will get through that, if it happens. And I'm not being negative here, or at least trying not to be, but sometimes I think we have to prepare our brains for the worst case scenario. I googled "brain tumor" a LOT this morning. I googled many variations. I learned that there are many different kinds of brain tumors. I also learned, when I typed in the location "brain stem" as well as "tumor" and "cancer", that the prognosis isn't good. Very low survival rate, very low cure rate. Basically, treatment is only to prolong the person's life, not to save it. I'm not a religious person. I have no faith in God, Jesus, or otherwise. I have some belief that we are all part of the same entity, the same energy, that we are all connected somehow. I also believe that positive thoughts can help, which is what praying can be for some people. At times like this, since I was brought up a church-goer, my first thought is to turn to prayer. But I don't believe in praying in the traditional sense, it's just a gut reflex. I will however keep the belief that we will all get through this together. I must believe that this isn't as bad as it initially seems to be. So I am asking you all, however you deal with these sorts of tragedies, to please keep my niece and family in your thoughts. If you pray, please pray. Both of my sisters do still have faith in God, so they will appreciate it. If you believe in sending "good vibes", please do. I do believe that positive thoughts and energy will help, however much we can get.

A Little Taste Part II

I had my second "day off" this week. I could sooooo do the SAHM thing. Too bad I live in the real world where money apparently doesn't fall from the sky or magically appear in my bank account, no matter how hard I wish it.

My sister N came over with my niece M and nephew T. Even though T wasn't feeling his best, I loved, loved, loved their visit. M was an angel, and T was cuteness to the nth degree. It felt so, so weird to be hanging out at the park with them and no kids in tow. Very strange. It kind of even made me feel old somehow. I think it was because ALL the other adults there were moms and dads with under 5's. And it was busy too.

I think I'm starting to come to an acceptance now. That that part of my life is over for good. No more babies, no more diapers or car seats or mom and tot swimming lessons. *sniff*

But the more I'm away from that, the more I appreciate the fact that my boys are older. They can express themselves, buckle themselves into the car, dress and feed themselves (even make themselves food!), and I never again have to adhere to a nap schedule. That part is awesome! I still get some cuddles (from R mostly), and both boys have expressed to me that they do miss me when I'm not around, which is nice to hear.

But back to the SAHM thing. I'm starting to see how I could fill those days with things to do. My house would be mostly clean, my taxes would be done, I could visit more often with other adults, I could volunteer at the school and even (gasp!) join a gym!

Well, I had better not think about that too much, for fear I fall into a deep depression. Perhaps in a few years when DH is (hopefully) working fulltime and finished with school, I can possibly cut back on my days, and actually have a day or two off each week. Of course by then I'm betting that helping in the classrooms is going to be an opportunity missed, but I could maybe help with the milk program or something. Perhaps even go on a field trip or two.

Hmmmm, dreaming of those days...Well, for now, until I find a replacement for the child I lost to Montesorri, I will enjoy my odd day here and there most definitely!

I'm An Auntie Again!

Just a quick post to share my joy at being an aunt again. My niece, A., was born yesterday around 3 p.m. at 6lbs, 9oz. I'm so excited and happy for my sister and her husband! I also cannot wait to meet this new little person. Unfortunately, due to the fact that #1 - I live an hour's drive away from the hospital (that factor combined with the fact that I am not free to leave my house until all the "other" kids have gone home, around 5 pm) and #2 - yesterday after a winter that has been fairly mild by our standards, it decided to storm like a bugger, I have to wait now until the weekend to see her. Sigh. Oh well, it's not like I'm not used to it by now, after all, I did choose to live here (and I do love it) so I have to make sacrifices.

The pictures I posted aren't the best, I know, because they were sent to me from my dad's iPhone, but they're all I have, and they are definitely better quality than the ones I tried to steal from my other sister's Facebook page. And yeah, they're typical red-faced-scrunched-up-puffy-eyed newborn pictures, but she's still pretty cute! And if she's anything like her mommy was as a little kid, she's going to be completely adorable (and spoiled)!!

Brithday Blues

On Friday it was my birthday. My, hmmm hmmm, 36th birthday. I don't know why, but for some reason, that number sounds so big to me. Turning 35 didn't affect me this much, or any other number. Just, 36 sounds so old. So much closer to, gulp, 40! *shudder* How depressing.

So the day started off as per normal. It was a working day, so, same old same old. Only I slept pretty badly the night before, and the day before I had been dizzy as anything upon waking, which did get somewhat better throughout the day. So I wasn't feeling 100% Friday, but what can you do? As a mom, you carry on.

My sister came over which was THE VERY BEST part of my day. Of my week for that matter. So I got to spend the day with my adorable niece and nephew and of course, my sis. However, as the day wore on, I was feeling less and less "well", but I tried to ignore it and also tried to be careful with not spreading any germs to anyone, most of all the baby. I also had the unexpected pleasure on Friday of having only two kids to look after, and they happened to be two of the easier ones. No babies!! YAHOO!

Then, partway through the day, we decided that we'd pull the boys out of school early, so that they could spend some time with their Auntie and cousins as well. I called the school and set it up, and at the second nutrition break, my sis went to the school to pick up the boys as a surprise. Of course, I still had to go back to the school later at the regular dismissal time to pick up one of the other kids I look after, but it was what it was. Well it sucked actually, because it was raining, and cold, and I was pretty sure I was starting a fever by then. But I sucked it up.

By the time everyone finally went home, and it was just me and the boys, my body was aching and I was running a temp close to 101. I dragged my shivering ass fully clothed into bed and stayed there for the night. So much for a birthday celebration. No dinner out, no cake, nothing. DH came home around 5:30, saw me in bed and resigned himself to the fact that he was in charge for the night.

Ok, being sick sucks so much when you are a mom. Nobody cares about you. Nobody checks on you, or soothes you, or asks you if you need anything. Not only that, you just fall asleep, and someone comes into the bedroom asking for something. Can't you ask Daddy?? I'M SLEEPING HERE!! You have to remind your stupid husband to actually feed the children, and absolutely nothing gets done all weekend! So the whole weekend's mess is left until you are better. I will say, however, that at least he went and got some groceries, and he did finally do some dishes, but only after I had to ask him to! What, you thought they would magically clean themselves??

But I am going to focus on the positive side, which was...I got to spend one day lounging around doing nothing but sleeping and watching tv in my pj's, and without any GUILT, so that was nice. Too bad I had to feel crappy to do that, but that's the part that nullifies the guilt, so there you go. Of course I do feel guilty that I may have infected my sister and her family, but that wasn't really my fault, I didn't realize that I was sick until later in the day, and by then it was too late. I just hope that they stay healthy.

Yesterday (Sunday) we had to go out to do some coat shopping. So I joked that my big birthday meal out was at the mall food court. Yippee.