Under The Category Of "I'm Gettin' Too Old For This Sh*t"

I thought up the title for this blog while having a small cardiac infarction riding the chairlift Sat morning.
Ok, not really (the C.I.) but I felt like I was going to have one. And many thoughts were running through my mind at the time like, "Just what the HELL was I thinking??" and, "Will they let me ride this back to the bottom?"
You see, I decided that after a mere 10 or so years, that I should try skiing again. On top of that, I decided to take R with me. Now, I'm not so deluded as to think that I should be the one to teach him (my kids don't do well when I'm trying to teach them something, it seems; we ALL end up very frustrated! However, I did teach them both to ride a bike, so it's not all bad!), he had a "discover skiing" package lesson for 75 mins which seemed to do the trick just fine.
So while R was out discovering the joys of strapping fiberglass planks to your feet and trying to manoevour safely down a snow-and-ice-covered hill, I decided to brush up on my stellar skiing skills on my own.
Hence, me, riding up the chairlift and trying not to alarm the other passengers with my heavy sweating and rapid breathing.
At first, I thought maybe my fear was stemming from the fact that I wasn't sure how I was going to get back down the damn hill if my body failed to remember how to keep me from tumbling head over heels like the idiot that I am. But on reflection, I was pretty confident that I could at least master the easy hill and that I would surely remember how to snowplow if all else failed. So then why oh why was I so nervous? Glancing down I suddenly realized, that's right! I'm scared of heights! How could I have forgotten my phobia that seems to have developed and worsened over the past decade?
Shit!
Shit!
Ok, deep, calm breaths and hold on tight.
Oh, yeah, and don't look down!
After about a year five minutes we came to the top, I took a deep breath of relief and lo and behold I eased myself off the chair with grace! It seems I did remember some things after all! On to the next stage...
I managed to get down the first small hill leading to the top of the cliff face the "easy" hill they referred to as "Family". Taking another deep breath I psyched myself up.
Ok, I can do this. Just go slow. Lots of snowplowing.
And don't die.
Tears pricked my eyes; either from the cold wind, or the fact that I suddenly realized that I was going to be leaving my poor child all alone when I crashed and lost consciousness. Why oh why didn't I rent the stupid helmet?
Three year olds whooshed past me, giggling in delight and probably muttering under their breath about the old person with apparent dementia standing at the top of the hill looking lost.
Who, me?
Ok, I can do this. Just go slow. Blah, blah, blah. If they can do it, so can I.
About a third of the way down the hill, I was doing fine. I probably looked completely uncoordinated and ungainly, but I was still alive! However, my knees!
Oh, my knees how they ached! They were burning!
I don't remember this! This is a new kind of pain enjoyed while skiing. Maybe I am getting too old for this!
I was never so relieved to reach the bottom before. But like the glutton for punishment that I am, I got right back into the chairlift lineup. It was starting to all come back to me now. The thrill of conquering the hill while remaining conscious, the adrenaline rush, if you will.
By the third run I was right back to where I was (skill-wise) when I last skiied, a lifetime ago. And R loved his lesson, loved the whole experience. He has caught the skiing bug, as I did so many years ago, and wants to go again.
I think I've started an expensive obsession!
And guess what? I'm not even hurting that much, so I guess, after all, I'm NOT too old for this shit!!

Skewed Self-Image

I think most women will agree when I say that we all hate our bodies. Especially our bodies after childbirth. If you are one of those who actually is happy with the body you have, good for you! And I am jealous.
I don't think I have ever truly loved my body. There has always been something I wish I could change. When I was younger, it was my hair. As I got older, it was my boobs (too small) and my legs (ugly shape, practically bowlegged, terribly unsexy). Of course those things remain the same, but now I have a new appreciation for the body I had.
I look at pictures of myself back then, and I think, "How could I have not liked myself?" In comparison to now, I was hot! Ok, well, maybe not hot, but good enough.
My boobs now are still too small, but at least back then they were perky. Thank you breastfeeding. I won't leave you with any pictures, but think National Geographic.
My legs are still a terrible shape (why, oh why, couldn't I have inherited my mother's legs??), but at least they were slim back then and not covered in unsightly (and quite frankly scary) varicose veins. Thank you Dad. And Mom actually. Of all the things to inherit.
At least now they make better hair care products than they did back then. I have learned how to tame my mane, but I still wish for less frizzy and much straighter hair.
I look back at pictures of myself and remember I thought that my tummy needed some trimming. If I could only have looked into the future! After R, I knew that my tummy needed trimming, but by his first birthday I was almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I was more unhappy with myself then.
After L, I gained a little more weight. And then a little more. I now look back on those pictures of when R was little and think, "I wish I at least looked like that!" Now I would REALLY like to lose 10 pounds. That would put me back to pre-R. Not college pre-R, just before R. And I'd be ok with that.
There are things I've come to accept. Like, I'll NEVER be able to wear a bikini again. *sniff* I know that even if I worked out hard and did 500 crunches everyday, my stomach will still be covered in stretch marks, loose skin, and a totally messed up belly-button.
And I can't change the shape of my bones in my legs. Nor do I have the desire to undergo surgery to remove all the ugly protruding veins.
I also do not have the desire to have a boob job. Nor the money. But that's what all these fantastic push-up and padded bras are for!
I gain and lose 2 or 3 pounds over the course of a week or so all the time. I could never be one of those people to celebrate the loss of that little amount of weight, because it happens all the time. Some days, on my "skinnier" days, I'll feel like I'm not so bad hiding under all my clothes.
And then the clothes come off.
And I stare at myself in the mirror.
And I lament.
It's funny how you think your body image leaves more to be desired and then ten years down the road you finally see your old self clearly, but probably not your now self. Because in another ten years you'll look back and think you were not as bad as you are now.
So maybe I should just be happy for what I am now because in ten years I'll be ten pounds heavier, more grey, and definitely more wrinklier.
Gah.

Chocolate

Hi, my name is Jennifer, and I'm addicted to chocolate. I truly believe I am, on some level. Not as bad as an alcoholic, but maybe somewhat closer to a smoker. I need it. I crave it. At certain times of the day, of the week, of the month. Usually I can get by with a couple of squares, or bites. Other times, no. I take one bite and it's like a crack in the dam. Every subsequent bite thereafter splits the crack wider until it's an unstoppable flow.
I was desperate for some chocolate the other day. I even posted my craving on FB. My sister, N, who incidentally does not really even like chocolate, responded back to, get this, "eat an APPLE!" She heard, apparently, that they get rid of the craving. I had to laugh my ass off at that one. Spoken like a true health nut. She just doesn't understand chocolate at all.
But, to be fair to her (and to my own resolution to eat less, exercise more, and be healthier) I tried it yesterday. I had finished my workout with the Wii Active, and was craving something sweet at the usual time of day. The top cupboard in my kitchen beckoned to me, whispering sweetly in my ear like a lover, "Come, eat me, I'm here for your pleasure, I'm all yours...It's ok... you worked out...it's safe..."
"No!" I refused. And I turned instead to the fridge to retrieve an apple. As I sat munching the crunchy, sweet goodness, all I could think about was...
CHOCOLATE!!!
And when I finished the last bite and placed the core neatly in the greenbin, do you know what I did?
I went straight to the top cupboard, apologizing profusely to my spurned lover, and he welcomed me back with open arms.

Heartaches

I am having a difficult time lately with L. It seems we are ALWAYS fighting. He and I. I really think that our personalities clash, whereas R and I match. I understand R. I DO NOT understand L.
So I am feeling a lot of guilt. You know, the main emotion of motherhood.
I don't like constantly badgering him. But I have always (or at least I hope) been the type of mom to carry through with expectations. I don't like to be lenient with one child, and not the other. If I say to do something, it should be done.
Now, I'm no tyrant. It's not like I'm asking him to scrub the floors, or even clean the toilets. It's small stuff, like, get dressed, time for school, come for dinner, brush your teeth, well, you know the mantra. And the answer is (take your pick here) "In a minute" "I don't want to" "Why do I have to?" "Why isn't R?" and many others. Of course the answer to the last one, why isn't R, is usually that he's already done it, being the golden child that he is.
But it's not just that. It's also the whining, and the complaining. How do you get your kids to be grateful for what they have instead of always, wanting, wanting, wanting more? Here is a small example:
I made pancakes for breakfast the other day. Not a common occurance on a weekday, but I was feeling generous and energetic apparantly. L loves pancakes. I also put frozen blueberries in them, knowing that enjoys eating the frozen ones, and also has previously enjoyed the frozen pancakes (commercially made) with blueberries.
After sitting down, he complained about the blueberries. Then the syrup (we make him use a cheaper version since he uses too much), then something else, although I've blocked it memory fails me here.
Why couldn't he just be happy and excited that I had made him pancakes?
Another:
While out doing some shopping, L expressed that he wanted a Puffle (a stuffed toy). Disregarding the fact that we have only just had Christmas AND his birthday during which he received 4 different stuffies, I told him that maybe he could buy one with his own birthday money. That was ok with him, but he wanted to go NOW! No, we maybe will go on the weekend. And then the whining starts. "Why do I have to wait? I want to go now! So-and-so has one, I NEED one!"
"But L, you just four stuffies less than a month ago!"
"I don't care, I don't want them!" (not true).
Sigh. I guess he's too spoiled. But his brother is treated the same, if not he gets more, and he's not like this.
Now here's the part I'm struggling with the most. Most of the time, he won't let me give him any affection. He shrugs off hugs and kisses. He definitely won't initiate them. When he cries and I ask what's wrong, he won't tell me, or I have to ask a million times and beg. I guess I should stop doing that now that I see it here in writing. Just let him cry. But that's hard to watch. And the kicker is, last night he said he only loves Daddy. And it wasn't during a heated moment either. He was upset, yes, but it wasn't screamed out while I was punishing him or something.
DH says not to take it to heart. And I'm trying. But part of me is going, "You ungrateful little S.O.B! I carried you for nine months, expelled you without drugs from my womb, ripping myself in half during the process, and gave up my freedom, my body, my sleep, my money, even my health for you, and THIS is how you repay me??!!"
But that's what mothers do, right?
It's just really hard to like him lately. I love him, of course, but like? Hmmm, only when he's asleep!

Winter Blahs

It's that time of year again, the time when I just want to curl up in a ball and hibernate till spring. No one bug me!
I truly hate this time of year. It is depressing. If you're like me, you don't have the money for a vacation, so you're stuck with the grey skies and snowy landscape for a good six months. Going outside to play involves multiple layers of clothing and too much preparation. And then someone has to pee. So, you're stuck inside most of the time, watching your lower half of your body become wider by the second from lack of use.
It's the post-Christmas lull. All the hype, fun, and expectation of Yuletide celebrations is gone. There really is nothing to look forward to other than spring. And that's still too far away to contemplate. No holidays (I don't count Valentine's Day, it's stupid), no vacations, no time off.
So I am taking it one week or month at a time. This year, I am really trying hard to not let myself fall into that pattern of depression. I am counting off all the things I have to look forward to, no matter how small. So here they are:
*My youngest sister's baby shower
*The birth of my niece (coming at the end of Feb)
*Family Day, Feb 15 (at least one day off from work, although unpaid for the most part. For those of you that are American, this is a day our government brought in recently to give people a day off between New Year's and Easter, as we don't have a President's Day)
*A dinner date with another couple using a gift card I received for Xmas (sometime early Feb)
*A local hockey game we have tickets for
*Weekly skating trips with the fandamily (and I got new skates so I can't wait to try them out!)
*At some point, taking the boys snowtubing and/or skiing for the first time (I say I'm going to do it EVERY year, and never get around to it)
I can't think of anything else, but you get the picture. I am also trying to keep up with my vitamins (as I tend to forget them) and also am taking extra Vit D which apparantly helps us northerners with the lack of sunshine.
Well, there's my boring post. Just a peek inside my ever exciting life.

The Olympic Flame Comes to Town!

So the Olympic Torch came through my city the other night. It was pretty exciting! I just had to take the boys to see it, as it could potentially be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Of course being us, we headed out late, intending to go to the main celebration at the City Hall, but didn't make it there. I told DH before about the route the flame would take, ending at City Hall for the night where everyone would gather. And of course being a man, he had not "heard" me, or "forgot" and so we ended up on the road that I knew would be closed at any moment. But as luck would have it, at the very moment we pulled up to an intersection, the cop standing there closed it off, allowing no more traffic through, and we just parked right there in the middle of the road and hopped out of the vehicle. It just so happened that we were right at the point that the Flame hand-off was going to be made, and at the right time too. How cool was that?!

So here are a few pics, and of course as I can NEVER get anything right with blogger, they ended up in the wrong order. Therefore, if you please, go to the last pic and view them in reverse order.

Here the flame is being shared, to a rousing chorus of "Oh, Canada" being badly yet patriotically sung by the crowd.

A shot of the kids (who met up with a friend by chance) with the torch bearer (don't know his name).

The torch bearer.

I also tried to upload a video, but that didn't work, so you can watch it on my Facebook page.

Christmas blahs

So here I sit, trying to will myself to want to get up and get dressed, willing myself to try to be eager to visit with my family. And the truth is, I'm not. Christmas just isn't the same anymore around the "Cox" household. It's still taking some getting used to. This is only the second Xmas since my parents split up, so really, two holidays isn't really much time to become a routine. My mom is still depressed, especially now since her dog passed. I don't blame her, of course, but she also doesn't try to help herself much. My sister lives literally around the corner from her, and she only sees her when she needs her or my BIL to do something at her house. My sister invites her to come over, come in for a bit, stay for awhile, but there's always some excuse why she can't.
Anyhow, enough about that. We also decided not to exchange gifts anymore. And while at the time I thought this was a very good idea, as most of us are struggling with money, I am now wondering if that really was the best answer. The gift exchange gives you something to look forward to, and to reflect back on when you use or look at the gifts after. I am thinking that maybe we should have just set a limit, tried a little harder rather than taking the lazy way out.
The reason I am thinking this now is because yesterday was our get together with DH's family. That involved his parents, his sis, her boyfriend, and his grandmother (and also four dogs). We also all decided to forgo the gift exchange, due to my FIL's ever-changing employment status, my SIL's closure of her business, and our current status. Now, it's not like his grandmother is hurting for money, she's practically a millionaire compared to the rest of us. But, as agreed, she didn't buy gifts either. The kids got gifts, of course, but that was it. You know, it makes for a really boring Christmas. And I have to admit, I am REALLY missing that nice fat cheque that DH's grandmother usually gives us. We did play my SIL's new pictionary game for a bit, which was fun for a short while. As usual, my idiotic MIL didn't put the damn turkey on early enough (you'd think she's have learned by now) and we didn't end up eating until almost 8:30!!! My poor boys were starving and exhausted. I mean, that's a half hour past their lights out bedtime, and they hadn't even had dinner yet! Of course I wasn't expecting them to be in bed at a normal time, but I did hope to eat before then! I was getting severely pissed off with the whole situation. I suggested, hopefully, around 5:00 when the turkey still had almost 20 degrees to go, that she turn up the oven. I mean, she had the damn thing at 325F!! I know that is the suggested cooking temp on the package, but if your turkey still has three effing hours to cook, then you need to turn up the damn heat!! So I was quite browned off and annoyed with her. She didn't even put out some crackers or something. I thought poor L was going to pass out. It's a good thing he's six now; had he been a little younger, there would have been some major tantrums going on, I'm sure. So we left straight after dessert. We didn't even stay to help clean up, and I hope that pissed her off. It was still 10:30 by the time we got home and got the boys to bed, and for two little kids who had been up since just after six, that's a looooooonnnnnnggggg day.
So back to today. My sis has informed me that my niece is sick with a fever, and vomiting last night. So that's just great. Really, had it been any other day, and not Christmas, I would have said we're not coming.
My dad is in England. He is at least spending Christmas with his own family. I miss him though, as he was here at our's last year, and that was really nice. Of course I miss us just being all together, but I know that's a thing of the past. Mostly I just miss the happiness of being together, without the melancholy, the whispered slanders and remarks, and the forced smiles. I miss the house I grew up in a lot, but I also miss my parents' house they had for a few years before the separation. That was a great house for family get-togethers.
Yesterday I didn't end up calling my mom until around noon. I feel bad about that, in retrospect, especially after talking with my other sister, S, and hearing that aside from her, no one else had called her. She had spent all of Christmas morning alone. My heart breaks at that thought, but then at the same time, I think, why the hell didn't she got over to N's house, and watch her granddaughter open her gifts?? She really doesn't have to be alone. S thinks she just doesn't want to be nuisance, but she is being a nuisance by trying not to be. She is making us all feel bad for her being alone Xmas morning, and how does she think N feels, when the only time she comes over or calls is when she needs my BIL, D, to do something for her, or for N to open the house to some workmen or something while she is at work?
Ok, I'm getting off topic. Back to Christmas.
So the weather isn't helping my spirit much. It's raining. All the beautiful snow is melting, and everything just looks blah and grey. As usual, my DH came up pretty short in the gift department. One year, he got me a turkey baster for my stocking. REALLY? Are you serious? So that gives you a bit of a history. He hasn't been too bad of late, but I really should start posting a list or something on the fridge, because hinting just isn't working with him. When he took the boys out shopping, I actually told R and pointed out all the things in the flyers that I wanted that they could choose from. The only thing he got me that I wanted was a $50 gift card for iTunes. I was a little shocked at that. I was expecting 10, maybe 20. I don't seriously want to give $50 of our money to Apple inc. for over-priced music. But of course, you can't return gift cards. He also got me a charger for my phone for the car (because, yeah, I spend soooo much time in the car...) and a GPS for the car. What? He said he thought I wanted one. Nooooooo.... that was you dear. He claims even R thought I wanted one. Ummm, not really. I find them distracting. My sis S has one in her car, as well as my dad, and I've found that when I'm in the car with them, I can't stop looking at them. That doesn't bode well for driving. So that was kind of a crappy morning for me, gift wise. The boys opened their presents so fast they barely had time to appreciate what they got. It was all over in less than an hour, stockings and all. Sigh.
To top it all off, I got my period. Yeah, you really wanted to know that I know. But it just adds to my misery and I'll tell you why. This past month I wasn't on the pill. This was because I ran out of my prescription, and I have idiots for doctors, but that's another long story. Anyhoo, I have to wait until mid-Jan so I can get a refill. So, when I haven't been on the pill, everything is soooo much worse. Way more moody, (though I try hard not to be), very painful cramps pulsating down my legs, my stomach hurts in the worst way (all of my stomach, not just the reproductive area either), my back hurts, my head hurts, and there is more of just everything else, which I won't elaborate on if you know what I mean. To sum it up, all I want to do is curl up in bed for three days or so with a heating pad and a whole whack of painkillers, the stronger the better. But I can't do that. Instead, I have to go visiting, and pretend I'm having a joyful time.
Bah, Humbug!