Monday, August 10, 2009

A Sigh Of Relief?

The past few days have been like a living, well, not hell really, but... well in turmoil. That I've bore alone. You see, I thought that maybe, just maybe, I might have been *deep breath*, PREGNANT!
Firstly, I should explain something. I'm on the Pill. My pills are a pack of 21. I've never felt it necessary to take the 7 sugar pills that make up a 28 pack, but perhaps after this weekend, I should reconsider. So with my pack of pills, they are all the same. Each pill has the same ingredient, so it doesn't matter where you start. You can start at the beginning, middle or end, wherever. They usually include a set of stickers you can paste on the top with the days of the week, to help you remember, but I often don't use that either. I rely on my oh-so-wonderful memory.
Now, often, for some reason, my period will start on the second-to-last or last day of my pill pack. I think it's because the dosage of hormones or whatever isn't quite strong enough for me, although the dr. has assured me it's still safe. I've become accustomed to just stopping taking the pill at that point. I figure, I'm already bleeding, what's the point in taking a pill to prevent pregnancy? It saves me pills in the end, and after a while, one or two or three pills can add up nicely to another pack! At that point, I just take seven days off and then start again the next "month".
With me so far? Ok.
So at the beginning of this past cycle we were on vacation in Ottawa. I did bring a new pack of pills to start taking, but..... I kind of forgot. Oops. So I ended up starting my new pack a couple of days late.
Fast forward to this past weekend. As far as I could remember, I could have SWORN, that the last cycle I had started on a Saturday, the Sat before we went away (because I remember my period ending while we were at the hotel). So I stopped my pill on Friday (just past). Now, usually, my body is already giving me signs of my period coming, you know, that lovely gross spotting you get to begin with. I usually start my period before my pills are even done, remember? So when I didn't get my period on Sat., I was starting to wonder.... However, for any normal person, you really wouldn't start bleeding that day, because the pill is still in your system. You have to give it at least 24 hrs or so.
So, I "prepared" myself Sat night, and woke up Sunday morning to....
At this point, I'm starting to imagine pregnancy symptoms. My mind is going, going, going and I'm thinking about it CONSTANTLY!! I was going to the bathroom I swear, at least every half hour to check (inspect with excrutiating attention to the TP). Still nothing. The worst part was, is that I had this terrible headache, probably due to the weather, and I didn't know if I should be taking anything. So I took acetaminophen, which took the edge off a bit.
All I could think about was what if??? Most of me rejected the idea. There are so many reasons why it wouldn't be a good idea.
#1. Really bad timing - DH is going back to college fulltime in the fall and he is probably not going to be working.
#2. Really bad timing - (I know, I said that already) I am taking on a new baby in the fall, as well as getting a toddler back fulltime, as well as a CRAZY INSANE schedule, so I really don't know how I would have handled being sick and tired as well as all that.
#3. I already gave away all our baby stuff, so we would have to somehow reaquire it.
#4. How was I going to tell DH? That was the part I was most scared of. I was so afraid that he would be mad, and think I did it on purpose, not to mention all the stress he's already under in regards to work, etc...
But a small part of me was rejoicing. I was already imagining names, how we would have to move the boys around (bedrooms I mean), and how wonderous and exciting it would be to see them as big brothers.
So last night, I bought a test, secretly, and hid it in my purse. My plan was that in the morning, when DH got up to shower, I would sneak downstairs and use the bathroom down there if nothing happened in the night. But something did happen in the night. Along with all the fun cramps as well. Ick.
So while I silently breathed a sigh of relief to myself in the bathroom this morning, a very small part of me was crying.


  1. Hmmmm ... interesting :)

    A friend of mine had something similar happened, and was surprised at how sad she felt when she realized that she wasn't pregnant. A few months later, they did (oops) get pregnant with their third. Same thing with my mom, a while after I was born. I have no younger siblings though. Both bought tests secretly (I don't think it's that bad a thing to do, and I've done it too). Just don't get caught with the unused test. Now *that* would look bad ;)

    Apparently you still are unsure about having another baby. Intellectually you view one way, emotionally you view it another way. It's tough, I know.

    I actually thought I was while at the cottage (!) since we kept getting up later and later, and I sometimes forgot until very late in the morning to take my pills. But ... shhhhh ... don't tell anyone - I'm off the pills.

  2. I'm also surprised by the sadness I feel. As the day is wearing on, the relief part has worn off, but the sadness part hasn't. Huh.