I'm thinking that my friend from Running Out of Hands can sympathize here. I've heard her often comment on how she struggles with her middle child, R*, and her difficulties in liking him very much sometimes.
I often feel the same way about L. Sometimes he is great. Other times, not. He seems to go through these "phases" of being utterly and incredibly annoying to me.
I think our personalities clash. That must be part of the problem. He can be so rude and obnoxiously snarky at times, and it builds over time. I won't notice it so much at first, but it gets worse and worse over time until I'm like, hey, how come I'm letting him talk to me like that?? Then I have to harp at him over and over again for a week or so, punishing him and telling him off until he stops and goes back to being a little more meek and humble. Boy that sounds dictatorial, doesn't it? But I can't have my kid talking to me like I'm his equal, his peer. I'm his mother, for goodness sake!
So then I put this kid to bed at night, and he cries. He tells me he feels like no one likes him, that everybody hates him. And then I feel so guilty. And angry. Both, at the same time. There's the mother (guilt) part of me that is saying, "You made him feel this way! Aren't you ashamed of yourself? You should only ever make him feel nothing but loved!"
And then there's the normal, human (angry) part of me saying,"You're kidding me, right? Kid, you don't KNOW what it feels like to be unloved and hated!! How can you be so ungrateful for all you have? You seriously need a life lesson!"
DH says he and I are too alike. I disagree. I don't know where he gets this from. He says L pushes all the right buttons on me. I won't disagree with that.
So I go to bed that night and tell myself that I promise, I really, really will try very hard to be a better, more patient and understanding mother tomorrow. And I will, but it's so hard sometimes.
Don't hate me here - I'm on your side. But while reading your post (and knowing EXACTLY what you're going through) I was thinking that perhaps your L is too much like you. I'm ducking now - done throwing stuff at me?
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking this about my R, actually. He's quick to react to things, and in a bad way. I often am too, and have a hard time hiding it sometimes. And yes, he may have learned it ... sigh. He is active a lot - so was I as a child. I was hyper, chatty, constantly moving child. So. Is. R. And I think the things in him that I don't like are the things I find in myself that I don't like. And punishing him is like punishing me. Except ... he's an innocent kid. And I'm the adult. And I *should* know better.
Sadly, shame and guilt are part of being a mother. More so, I think, than being a father (though I'm sure there are different guilt aspects they have that moms don't). We want to guide and love our children, without showing the negative things that we do.
Sorry for the ramble ... Just think about how you interact with your DH and your kids and anyone else that L see's you interact with. Do you use sarcasm or negative tones a lot without realizing it at the time (I know I tend to have a negative spin on things)?
I also think part of being lippy is an age thing. They're striving for independence, but aren't ready yet. My A is getting quite lippy, and there's this squinty look she gives me that makes me want to wipe it off of her face (sheesh, talk about button pushing!) but I don't. I send her to the "green chair" for a timeout.
Oh dear ... I better stop and put all this in my own blog post!
I did.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.runningoutofhands.ca/?p=1442