Tonight L wrote us a note. He's getting good at writing these little notes. I was remembering when he hated writing, and I couldn't get him to write anything ever. I have a few notes from the past saved in my night stand: a letter to Santa, a note pleading with us for a bird (as a pet), a small booklet simply written with the words, Mommy, I love you.
What I wouldn't give now to have the contents of these new notes be similar to those other ones. A simpler, sweeter time, it seems.
Now, the notes are often saying, I hate my life, I want to die, I'm going to run away, I want a new life.
Today, I took L skiing. I wanted the whole family to go, but R had too much homework to finish, and L said he wanted it to be just me and him. So, we went. We actually met up with a friend there, a good friend of mine and her son who is in L's class. They had a good time skiing a few runs together. Nothing went wrong, thank god, like L or I falling, aside from one chairlift entry being a bit rough and L banging his head back against the seat as a consequence. After about an hour and a half, I suggested a break, and promised L a beaver tail. He was also thirsty. So we bought the pastry, went inside to the cafeteria, and upon sitting down, L was disappointed to see that the apple and cinnamon one he requested was topped with what looked to be apple pie filling. At this point, he went into one of his funks. Totally, over the top reaction, complete with breath-holding (this is anew one!), head down, fists clenched, and refusal to answer my question of would he like me to get something else to eat (it was dinner time and I was going to get some fries). After I stated that he'd get nothing if he didn't speak up, he said he wanted a drink.
When I came back and he'd had a few sips of drink, I told him he could have a different one and we'd buy one for R too on the way home. After that, he was still kind of grumpy, and he decided that skiing was done for the night.
Once we got home, I think reality crashed in again. He realized that the dreaded school was now only a night's sleep away, and so he had a few tantrums before bed. He refused to take a bath, but then about a half hour later he was happily playing in the bath. When I went to check on him, he had a smile on his face. He told me he was going to write me a note. Since he was smiling, I naively thought it might be a happy note, perhaps one telling me he had a good time with me today.
I managed to get out of his bedroom tonight without a big scene, which might have been partly due to the fact that he was just about to write the note. I was just happy to escape without a meltdown happening.
About 10 minutes later, he came downstairs to where DH and I were watching tv, and handed me the note. He was sort of smiling, or at least didn't look morose, and he gave it to me and ran away.
Alas, it said something to the effect of "Dear mommy, I'm sorry that I keep telling you my feelings but I hate school and I want a new life so I'm just warning you that next time I get mad I'm going to run away. You probably think I'm stupid and I am. I HATE MY LIFE!! "
I wanted to cry. I set myself up for disappointment here, thinking he wasn't too unhappy tonight. So, so wrong.
So I thought, talking isn't getting through, perhaps I'll write a note too. Sometimes that makes things more real when they're written down, doesn't it? I wrote back about how I don't care how many times he tells me his feelings, he can keep telling me, that I love him so much and that I'd be very sad if he ran away. I wrote that I'd rather hear how he hates school a million times over rather than have him go away. I also wrote that I thought he was brave to tell me his feelings, and lastly, that I had fun with him tonight.
I gave him my note, left him to read it, and when I went to check on him at my bedtime, it was torn up and crumpled on the floor.
I guess I'd been hoping that he'd read it and take it to heart, perhaps fold it up to read another time.
I'm nervous for tomorrow morning. It's going to be hell. I just wish DH could be home to help me out. I think I'm going to wake L at 7 instead of waiting until 7:30. Maybe the extra time will help. And I'm worried about his threat to run away. I'm going to call the principal again in the morning, and tell him this. I'm worried he would try it at school. What if he takes off at recess? Not all the kids are supervised 100% of the time. And there are no gates on the fences. They could just leave, easily.