A Little Bummed

I'm finally enjoying a few moments of peace and quiet. It seems too good to be true. Perhaps it will turn out to be....
This week has been busier, with the return of the PIMA C and his sister A. (PIMA stands for Pain In My Ass). I've had quite a few kids here, which is good for money but not so much for my nerves. With the PIMA here I have to be constantly on my toes. I have to supervise constantly I've learned, which is really a sad comment because he's almost 10! And it's not because he destroys things, or smokes up in the bathroom, or flashes his privates (THANK GOD!), but he argues and fights with my L and also the other kids (although not as much as with L) and it drives me crazy! He also has a lot of bad language. While that wouldn't bother me so much if it were just my two kids here, but I have little ones here. Little ones that are at the heart and the peak of their language acquisition. They are learning new words and how to express themselves EVERY DAY. It's crazy-fast how they learn to talk once they start. And I really don't want them picking up phrases like, "Suck this!", or "What the hell?!", or "idiot" or "stupid", or "DIE!" or many, many others.
Not only that, but he can't ever seem to step outside of himself and try to just be a little bit selfless. He's just so immature in so many ways. Every year I hope and pray he grows up, but he never seems to. I'm sorry to say this about a child, but that kid is going to be an asshole when he grows up. I can just tell right now.
And my sister has told me a million times to get rid of him. But I can't because I'm a wimp, and really not enough of a bitch to do that. I have to see his mother in the neighbourhood. His mom is really nice too. She has done me favours when I was in a crunch before. And I really don't want to jeopardize that. I will be speaking to her about his language tonight though. He has been away from here for almost a month, so perhaps he needs her to remind him about appropriate language for toddlers' ears.
So I am trying to count my blessings that I have kids here and the fact that I am getting paid at least. But I am stressed and worried. And jealous.
I'm stressed because I'm not making enough money. I thought that with the fact that DH has been working now for a few months (he returns to school fulltime in Dec)that we would be able to at least break even each month, if not even get to paying down some more debt.
Not so much. The fact that I don't have a whole bunch of kids is really hurting me. I've just paid some bills and pretty much used up the rest of the reserve we had for times such as these. Which totally freaks me out thinking about how I no longer have that cushion. AHHH!
I am worried too because I've been trying to get some more kids for daycare for the fall, and have had basically no bites. It's scary. Where are all the parents going back to work? What am I going to do when DH goes back to school in January and is out of work once again? If I have even less kids then, I am screwed. So you see how I can't get rid of kids that are annoying. I just can't afford it.
And I am jealous because of all these people that are on vacation. They have time off work, and families are doing things together and going places and having fun. I do get time off work, although unlike the general population, I don't get vacation pay, which kind of puts a damper on it.
No work, no pay.
And DH doesn't get any time off work either. His time off is during the school year, when they have "reading week", which never coincides nicely with any time the kids have off or what I can take off.
I guess I shouldn't complain, because we did just have a family vacation in Disney. But that already seems so far away.
Next week I have sort of a vacation week. Sort of. It's not because I took time off, but it's just that so many of the kids I watch are on vacation that week, plus schedules work out that other kids are here less. Plus I still have a kid coming here on Friday, and possibly two on Wed. So not exactly a week off. I'm screwed for money next week. I'm going to have to raid the freezer and do some serious meal planning revolving around what we have available. It's difficult, but doable.
Alright. Now I've moaned and complained enough, about the same old, same old. I should be glad that we have a home, health, and food on our table.
I just needed to get it off my chest ;)

A Little Taste Part II

I had my second "day off" this week. I could sooooo do the SAHM thing. Too bad I live in the real world where money apparently doesn't fall from the sky or magically appear in my bank account, no matter how hard I wish it.

My sister N came over with my niece M and nephew T. Even though T wasn't feeling his best, I loved, loved, loved their visit. M was an angel, and T was cuteness to the nth degree. It felt so, so weird to be hanging out at the park with them and no kids in tow. Very strange. It kind of even made me feel old somehow. I think it was because ALL the other adults there were moms and dads with under 5's. And it was busy too.

I think I'm starting to come to an acceptance now. That that part of my life is over for good. No more babies, no more diapers or car seats or mom and tot swimming lessons. *sniff*

But the more I'm away from that, the more I appreciate the fact that my boys are older. They can express themselves, buckle themselves into the car, dress and feed themselves (even make themselves food!), and I never again have to adhere to a nap schedule. That part is awesome! I still get some cuddles (from R mostly), and both boys have expressed to me that they do miss me when I'm not around, which is nice to hear.

But back to the SAHM thing. I'm starting to see how I could fill those days with things to do. My house would be mostly clean, my taxes would be done, I could visit more often with other adults, I could volunteer at the school and even (gasp!) join a gym!

Well, I had better not think about that too much, for fear I fall into a deep depression. Perhaps in a few years when DH is (hopefully) working fulltime and finished with school, I can possibly cut back on my days, and actually have a day or two off each week. Of course by then I'm betting that helping in the classrooms is going to be an opportunity missed, but I could maybe help with the milk program or something. Perhaps even go on a field trip or two.

Hmmmm, dreaming of those days...Well, for now, until I find a replacement for the child I lost to Montesorri, I will enjoy my odd day here and there most definitely!