I want another baby.
I don't want another baby.
This is how my mind works. I waver back and forth, back and forth, between the two decisions. How does anyone truly decide that they are finished having children? I know for some, it is not a choice unfortunately. Nature decides for them. Others have such horrible preganancies and deliveries that they just can't fathom doing it even one more time.
But what about the people like me? How do they decide? My pregnancies weren't horrible; they were pretty average. Some morning sickness the first few months, plus some of all the other fun stuff, like varicose veins, hemmorhoids, swelling, blah, blah, blah. But in the end, it's worth it I think. My kids are worth everything to me.
Of course, I say that now, right this moment, when I'm not feeling miserably sick and tired, and when I'm not suffering with aching legs, or a torn perineum from giving birth.
How quickly we forget.
Then there are those days when I feel sick, genuinely sick, due to virus or otherwise, and I just can't even bear to think about feeling that way for three months straight, PLUS having to get up at 6 am everyday, PLUS having to trek back and forth to the school twice a day, PLUS having to work through it looking after kids and having no sick days.
There are also those nights when one of my boys cries out, and I stumble out of bed barely conscious to find out what is wrong (sick? bad dream?) and I thank God that I don't have to do that every night. In the middle of the night, it's pretty hard to convince yourself that you want to go back to sleepless nights again, especially when you've had it good for a while now.
But then there are the times that I think about my own family. I grew up the oldest of four, and while we had many arguments, fights and general sibling rivalry issues, we are all pretty close now. I love my sisters and brother; I'm so grateful for them. I just can't imagine having come from a smaller family.
My boys are close. I love that. I hope they stay that way forever. They'll always have each other, but is it enough? Wouldn't it be nice for them to have just one more sibling?
Recently, a good friend of mine had a baby. We went to visit her the day after she came out of the hospital. R wanted to hold the baby. He was enamoured. It was magical to watch, and my mind marveled at it; I so much wanted to see what he would be like with a small baby sister or brother of his own.
Of course, there is one small problem with all of this.
He is very comfortable with where we are right now, and doesn't feel those motherly urges to have any more. He would be hard to convince, therefore, I would have to have a very strong conviction to bring up and win this debate. And I don't. As I said, I waver. A lot.
I just don't want to be forty, or fifty, and thinking, "Gee, I wish I had just done it and had another one! And now it's too late..." I suppose I will have to leave it to fate to decide somehow...