Stressed

Lately I've been feeling rather stressed. There are quite a few reasons why this is, and for most people they probably don't think that my problems are really all that bad. But I don't think I handle stress very well. It's probably because I don't have to deal with any large amount of it on a daily basis, as say, a commuter would, or a doctor would, or a single mom working two jobs would. So I'm out of practice.
But lately I haven't been well. I'm not sleeping well, tossing and turning and dreaming troubling dreams. I've also been having stomach issues, and feeling really tired. And of course my patience is thin. Then there is the really annoying symptom of not being able to take a satisfying deep breath. I know, weird right? I am breathing, and I can once in a while get in a deep breath that is satisfying, but usually it's through yawning. I've googled it a lot, and there seems to be a lot of people out there with this same problem, but with no true answers to this problem. I've had this issue before, many times throughout my life, even as a kid. It usually resolves in a week or two, but damn it's annoying until then. And I think L has inherited this issue. He complained about it last fall for a few weeks. My mom also struggles with it.
ANYWAY...
My stress is from a few things. First, are my computer issues. I don't necessarily need my computer on a daily basis, I can use my iPod touch for my socializing. But I do need it! It has all my iTunes stuff, plus files for daycare, and tax stuff. That's really important right now! And I really can't afford a new one.
Then there's the age-old problem of money. That one never goes away. But it leads to the trip.
Yeah, I'm stressed about that.
Stupid?
Maybe. But I'm not one lucky enough to go on vacations much. The only other real family vacation we've had was six years ago, to New Brunswick. Before that, was our honeymoon ten years ago, and other than that it's just been weekend trips to Niagara and various other Ontario cities. I guess I'm just worried about things going wrong, like missing our flight, someone getting sick (that's a BIG one), luggage being lost, plane crashing, the kids being sick on the plane or suffering with their ears, not being ready, DH getting a hard time going through customs, bad weather, the condo sucking, getting food poisoning...etc., etc., etc...
I know, I'm borrowing trouble. But I've been dreaming about this damn trip, and they're troubling, stressful dreams, not good ones. I wake up and I don't want to go back to sleep.
Then of course there's the money side. Even though the trip is being paid for, we still need money for souvenirs and incidentals. And food, some, I'm sure. And definitely there's the loss of income. I don't get paid for a week, and then the next week, as I've found out since booking the trip (I know, the parents I "work for" SUCK for never giving me enough notice!!) two of the families I care for are off themselves!! (If I'd known, like, a week or two sooner I could have made the trip the same week!) So, it's not like I'll be making up for the time off at all. Thank god DH will be starting work soon after.
And DH and I are arguing. I won't bore you with all the details, but in the end he came to me and in a roundabout way offered me an apology, but expected one back! There wasn't anything I'd felt I'd done wrong! If I felt bad for something, I'd apologize, but I didn't. So he's mad at me for that. He said HE was the one ALWAYS apologizing. While that is certainly not true,as he rarely apologizes sincerely for anything, he thinks that when we have an argument that we're both to blame. WHATEVER! Sorry guy (there's your apology!) but YOU are the one that does things wrong, not me! Haven't you learned by now, the woman is ALWAYS right?? I know that's cliche, but in this case it's right. My life really doesn't vary that much day-to-day. There isn't much I could do that was wrong and would piss him off. Really! So when he does shit to piss me off, he always gets mad back at me, instead of being contrite. There's no way I should apologize because HE can't take criticism or accept his mistakes and reacts the wrong way. Sheesh.
So, I'm stressed. And griping to anyone who will read this tripe does make me feel a little better. Although, winning the lottery and taking a nice vacation at a spa retreat ON MY OWN would make me feel much better!

Sent from my iPod

A Plea

Dear computer, you have given me many problems since we first met. It's like we don't truly understand each other. I want one thing, you insist on another. But despite your shortcomings, you give me joy, hope, and a small window connecting me to the outside world. And I need you, like a drug addict needs just one more fix. Even though I can see that you are sick, your symptoms manifesting more and more frequently, I need you to hang in there, just for a little longer, please! Don't give up on me now, I just installed a rather expensive tax program onto you, and I can't take it and put it on another computer without paying again.
PLEASE!!
Just hang in there until I can finish the taxes, and make sure all my files are backed up. Then you can have a nice holiday, or breakdown, or memory wipe, whatever you insist on. I promise I won't ditch you in a dumpster if you can just hang on a few more days.
Please, I beg of you.

Sent from my iPod

Disney Details

I promised details of our Disney trip and now that it is all booked, here you go!

We are flying Air Transat (not my first choice, but really, beggars can't be choosers!) and thank God it is a non-stop flight! Our flight leaves at something like 7:00 in the morning, so it's going to be a long day! We are thinking that we'll stay over at the in-laws, since that's where the Nan lives, and then just go from there at 4:00 a.m. or whatever God-awful hour we have to go. I am going to put the kids to bed in their clothes so they don't have to do too much dressing when we wake them, just shoes and a jacket hopefully. I'm really hoping they'll go back to sleep in the car, but I'm not holding my breath on that one.

We are going for one week, and it'll be over Easter break so there are two less days that I need to take off. We are staying in a condo/resort-type-place, and it has three bedrooms and two bathrooms and a kitchen. Oh, and laundry too, so I won't have to pack too many clothes, we can just do a load or two and re-wear outfits. The downside to this place is that it's not like a hotel and there is no maid service, only if you pay extra for it. I don't really care about that, as I regularly live in filth and disarray, but I wasn't so sure about the Nan. So I made sure that DH mentioned it to her, so she didn't ream out the front desk staff when she found her bed unmade and no fresh towels in the bathroom. Or if she wants to pay extra for a cleaning, that's her prerogative. I won't be. I can go waaaaaaaayyyyyy longer than a week without cleaning! LOL!

The best part about this place (I think, since we haven't gone there yet) is the pool. Check it out! Sorry, I know the image is tiny but I had to steal it off the Facebook page for the resort. But look at that pirate ship! Isn't that just neat-o? I really hope that we get some nice weather so we can enjoy the pool to the fullest!


So now we have to decide when to tell the boys. As I said, we have to tell them with the Nan present, which I totally support, but also a pain because she lives an hour away! So we can't just decide, "Oh, today seems like a good day!" At first, I thought it wouldn't be too hard to keep it a secret, but DH was skeptical. I wrote all the daycare parents a note, telling them I'd be taking time off and asking them to please keep the secret and please not tell their own children either. It seems to be working so far...but....
Last weekend we were shopping in one of my favourite kids' clothing stores, Please Mum , and DH slipped across the mall hallway to check out the prices of Disney tickets at the Disney Store. As I was yelling at coaxing the kids to try on bathing suits in the changeroom at the back of the store, he was on the phone to the Nan relaying the info he'd gleaned. After we came out of the changeroom, the gloriously overly-pushy and insanely nosy store clerk showed me some zip-off pants, and proceeded to announce very loudly to the boys, "So I hear you're going to Florida? These would be GREAT for the plane!!" at which point I looked at her with a death glare and in a completely unsubtle manner (no, I'm no actress) screamed replied, "We're not going to Florida! Oh no, not us!!"

Luckily, she caught on quickly to her stupidity and backtracked saying, "Oh, that was someone else I was thinking of!"

Luckily, my children aren't suspicious of anything, because it's just so completely out of the realm of believable things that we would even consider going. They know that, and hold no hope (I think).

And luckily (and I can't believe I am saying this), they hate hate HATE shopping and I don't think they were even paying attention, as they were off standing at the entrance to the store praying that their mother would hurry her ass up and end their torture toute suite!

It would really suck to have to go and tell the Nan that her surprise was ruined by an extremely nosy store clerk! (Seriously, who listens in on other people's phone conversations and then comments on them?!! That's totally admitting to your own rudeness and lack of manners!) Conversely, it would really suck to have to convince the boys to be surprised for a second time (yeah, their acting skills are as good as mine!)

So those are the details thus far. We plan to do Disney for about four days, I think. One park each day. We're debating about a fifth, in case we missed something, but we're also debating about Universal. It's just as expensive though, so I'm not sure about that. Perhaps Sea World. Any thoughts from anyone that's been there?

Lists

Now that our vacation to Florida has been booked (we still haven't told the kids yet) I have begun to make lists in my head. I'll be doing something mundane, like cleaning up the kitchen or fixing lunches and I'll suddenly think, "Oh! I need to make sure that we bring _____ (whatever)." Or, "I need to get the kids _________." I can't possibly remember all the things that I have to bring or remember to do, so I need to get writing it down.
I love to make lists. I always have. I also like to fill out forms (who doesn't, I mean, it's like a test that you know all the answers to without having to study!) I guess this comes from my rational, logical Libra personality. Even as a kid, I liked to make lists. I made lists about what doll or stuffed toy would wear what article of clothing, or itemize things in my desk drawers. I especially love to make lists to do with going on vacation. My lifetime friend, Lisa, also shares this passion. She knows what I'm talking about!
There's just something about having every little detail written down, and being able to cross things off. It's....satisfying somehow.
My friend at Running Out of Hands caught me on to an iPod touch app that you can make lists and cross things off. It's quite handy, and takes up less space than multiple pieces of paper. It's called ShopShop. I used it when I was making our Xmas lists, which was so handy because I didn't have to worry about the list being found by nosy little kids. The best part is is it's free!

Quick Disney Update

DH went to the border today and made sure he was able to go to the States. He called me about an hour ago and told me that he was good to go!! Hurray!! I am so happy about that, and not just because it means we can go to Disney, but because it means we can go just about anywhere we want now! You don't know how many times I've thought about a quick trip over the border for shopping or whatnot, only to remind myself that we couldn't, at least not as a family.
So, YAY!
And as we speak, DH and the Nan are booking a trip!
Details and countdown to follow!

Some Thoughts

Last week, my brother A's girlfriend's sister passed away. (You got that? Confusing, I know.) Now, you know that I've mentioned before that my brother and I are kind of distant now, we don't communicate and I'm assuming that since the only details of his life I get are through various postings on Facebook and random reports from my other family members, that he is getting about the same amount of info about me.

Up until Christmas, when one of my sisters mentioned to me the reason for A's absence from our own family's Xmas celebrations was that he wanted to spend it with his girlfriend and her sister, who was "having a hard time" (meaning she was depressed and as I was told, suffering from an eating disorder), I had no idea his girlfriend even had a sister. So that's how much I know about his life. I have met his girlfriend a handful of times and we have talked, I just didn't remember any mention of a sister.

So when my dad called me last weekend to let me know about this poor girl's passing (yes, she committed suicide), I was kind of like, ooohhkaaaaayy...I felt awkward. I didn't really know what to say. I've never met the girl, and didn't really know of her existence. Of course, as a human, a mom and a sister myself, I was very sorry for her family and those she left behind that loved her. But I felt nothing more than I would have if I had read about a random stranger's death in a newspaper.

As A's girlfriend M is one of my "friends" on FB, I could see updates she posted about details of the remembrance ceremony and visitation and such, so I knew that they were having it this Friday. I was also able to send her a private email expressing my condolences to her and her family. **

Yesterday my sister N called me to let me know that she, sister S, Mom and Dad were all going to attend the funeral. At first I wasn't sure why she called to tell me that, but as we talked, I realized that she was thinking of my feelings and wanted to make sure that I didn't feel left out of the loop. Isn't that sweet? What a great sister she is! Of course, I don't feel that way, as they had met the deceased and her parents and I hadn't, and they also all have more of a relationship with my brother than I do, so going to the funeral hadn't even begun to cross my mind. My family was going to be there for A, which was nice, but even then I was still confused as to why. Yes, it made sense for my mom to go, even my dad, but I really couldn't see why my sisters were going. It was then that N told me that A and the girl were very close. He had considered her a little sister to him, and I had no idea!! So he is probably way more upset by this then I had originally assumed (which wasn't nice of me to assume how bereaved a person is anyway, I know.)

But after I had hung up with N, and had some time to absorb the conversation, I started to feel a little sad. Not sad that they were all going to something without me, not sad that a precious life had been taken, just sad that our relationship has become so distant that I didn't even know my brother had lost someone very close to his heart.

So I bought a sympathy card and sent it this morning. I'm very sorry for his loss, but I'm also sorry for ours, mine and his. We appear to be siblings in name only now.



**I didn't want to interrupt my thought flow, but as an aside, I wanted to write that I was appalled at people's etiquette regarding sending out condolences. I assume this is the way of the world now, but sometimes it is still appalling. I myself probably should have sent a card to M and her family, but truly, I don't know them at all and I've only met M. So I felt in the name of saving paper and in keeping up with today's ways, I would send her an email instead of a card. It was still private and personal, it just didn't come on paper. But there were countless people that posted their sympathies on Facebook. Right on the wall, complete with textspeak and emoticons!! UNBELIEVABLE! I honestly couldn't fathom how lazy and just rude it was to tell someone you are sorry for their loss like this: Hrd about ur sister, hope u guyz r ok. :( Can people not even be bothered to take two extra seconds out of their day to write out the full words?? Is M's sorrow not worth their precious time? And emoticons? Try using words to tell someone how you feel people!!

Disney Update

Yesterday I posted about Disney, and I had a friend read my post and comment about it on Facebook.
She said,"Is there any way to find out what hotel she was thinking of staying in? You could look it up and see what star it is, and if it is an all-inclusive or not. You shouldn't be afraid to ask her for more details, especially if she just said "I want to take you all to Disney with me!" You have a right, without being rude, to ask if she had any plans other than just going!"
I started to write her back, but then thought I should just post you all an update about what I was going to tell her.
Actually, the Nan is having us do all the research, but she has the final say of course. DH is looking up suites, but I don't think there is anything "all-inclusive", a la Carribean resort style. We have seen some hotels with breakfast included, but that's about it. He did ask her about meals, and it sounds like she's paying, so that's a relief. I did express all my thoughts to DH, and he agreed and said he would try to watch himself, both with her and the boys. It set my mind at ease a bit. He also asked her about the part regarding her fatigue, if she wanted to go back to the hotel early and whatnot. She simply said she would bring a book, and to "leave her on a bench and come back for her in an hour". As accommodating as that seems, I don't see that as being very realistic. I just hope we can find a hotel not too far away from the parks, as it looks as though we will be renting a car unless we're right in a Disney resort, and that way if she really wants to go, she can catch a cab or something.
DH did say that the Nan remarked that she wouldn't be waiting for anyone for breakfast, meaning, we would need to get our butts in gear quickly. Now, I don't intend to waste my days sleeping in, but I also don't want someone standing over me huffing and puffing and harping at me that they're hungry. And I know that she is OCD about her breakfast. I've seen that much from being at the cottage with her. As soon as she leaves her bed she comes out to the kitchen, and regardless of who is already in there, or if someone is cooking something, or still sleeping, or whatever, she will basically push them out of the way to get her breakfast.
See, ornery.
Anyhow, DH and I thought it would be best then to either find a hotel that does free breakfast, or has suites, with a separate bedroom and kitchenette. That way, we can have breakfast in the hotel suite and eat when we please.
I just hope that we can get all this booked. It's all well and good to have us research and decide stuff, but until we find out for sure tomorrow afternoon sometime that DH is going to be good to go for entering the States, we can only look but not touch. And stuff is filling up. One of the resorts that looks best suited has like, three rooms left or something, and the flights are getting lean too. We can't be separated on flights. Well, not too much. We can do two, two and one, but I can't leave my children alone to fend for themselves on the other side of the plane! They are definitely not seasoned travelers!